God Is Doing a New Thing

Day 30

It really IS the beginning now. I lament the book study being behind me. I have studied the book so many times and never felt this way. LOL! I think this is a good thing!

In evaluating my goals from Day 3 and if I had accomplished them or not, while the book didn't ask me to do this, I thought it would be wise.

Goal 1 - Be in a pair of jeans hanging in my closet by Day 30. Be able to wear them comfortably in public. Closing in on a certain weight.

This goal is accomplished. I have been wearing these jeans for a week now. Praising the Lord for that one! I am about 3 pounds away from the weight I had hoped to "close in on." This means I have released about 22 pounds since I began. I would yet like to release at least that much and see where God takes me to be the size He plans for me to maintain in good health.

Goal 2: Exercise 4x a week.

This goal was accomplished until this week! With horses to vets and the Christmas craziness, I forgot to chisel time into my schedule. So many unexpected things happened. I am not beating myself up for it, but realize that I must plan it into my life just like I do my quiet time. Typically, I exercise after our school day at about 3pm. But when life goes into hyperdrive, that isn't a reliable time of day. I have really been loving using the computer program DANCE PRAISE! It is a blast and very encouraging to my faith to move around to popular Christian songs.

Goal 3: Clean Hot Spots

This goal is accomplished. But now I must reclaim the downstairs room!

Additionally, I had some other things I wanted to be willing to do...and God worked them in me. I was in the Christmas production and did this at the last minute. I wouldn't have been willing to before...or I doubt it anyhow. So this was a big deal and it was a blessing. My daughter was in it and my husband and son worked the lights and some sound, so it was a whole family thing. Lots of fun. I praise God for this!

All of these things...well, none of them would have happened ordinarily. This is all God's work. I anticipate yet more things ahead.

Back to the book.

I don't typically like the surveys in the book, but, today, I went along with it and took the survey in Day 30 to compare with Day 2. It was actually VERY exciting to see some significant differences. Among the differences that I listed on page 321 and 322 are:

• I am more intimate with the Lord. He doesn't seem as distant. My experience of truth is a bit more in line with what I believe in my head is true.
• I tend to believe I can change by His power and stay out of the way of derailing my own goals. I can envision realizing the goals instead of scoff at myself for making them.
• I am not as ME centered or ME focused. It is about God GOD GOD!!! Not the food or me or whatever else.
• It is more clear than ever before that this is not about food, but is about submitting my will to Him in everything.
• Each moment stands as land taken for self/pride or given in surrender to Him.
• What I am in each moment is ultimately seen in "the bigger things"

The chapter closes with a challenge that encouraged me:

...cling tenaciously to the Savior who has bought you, the King that has wooed you, the Master that has freed you, and the Hero that has rescued you. (page 322)

I am floored at the things God has done and thankful for His love and grace.

Heidi

Yesterday, my Day 29, Harley was still not out of the woods, but I was more at peace that God is God. I clearly have "expectations" that God will "behave" a certain way if I am going to "submit" willingly. It really isn't "submission" or "surrender" if it is conditioned on what I feel about how God is doing His job. Do you hear the arrogance in that? The pride? It can be so subtle, too. I have found that this really is the heart of the matter for me. I knew it was pride...any idol is established because pride gets a root going, it seems to me, but pride is insidious and stealthy as well. It may not be obvious and before you know it there is all out war declared on God.

I have to really pray through this and beg God to truly work a humble heart in me. A heart that seeks to live as the clay and God is the potter. A heart that says "Though He slay me, yet will I trust him." He is God and I am not.

Day 29

These things greeted me yesterday as I opened my book and asked for God to meet me.

No one but God could have worked such a change in your heart.

I know this is a FACT. A lot has been accomplished in the past month and a half. It is stunning to me. When I consider my intimate involvement with the book manuscript and the Thin Within program from the beginning...and all the things I was missing...Yes, God did many things back then. But I had continued to withhold some things from Him. I had "held out" a pocket of resistance, resentment in my heart....that God had disappointed me. Frankly, God *has* disappointed me. I can't pretend this isn't true. Yet I see afresh that this response to His ways is borne in pride that I deserve one thing and He does another. In all honesty, I deserve nothing but death. I am born into sin and live sin easily and well. Rather than meet me with judgment, God provides His grace. What more could I possibly demand? Good grief! God forgive me!

I pray that I will see "disappointments" with God more from His perspective. Everything He does is done with a heart of love. My understanding is incomplete at best, more likely, it is warped, perverted. He sifts all He does through the nail holes in His hands.

And now that you have been restored, we rest in the knowledge that each of us really is a temple for His glory. Our bodies, our schedules, our affections, our very lives are not our own. We have been bought at a price. We affirm again that we gladly submit to the yoke of Christ, because we've learned that to do so gives us peace, rest, and abundant joy.

This *is* the heart of it for me. I really believe that if I can maintain the above attitude in my heart and mind and life that my "issues" with food are gone. Pride must be demolished. If I "protect" it, it is an idol. I must allow it to be demolished...abolished, destroyed. I must welcome the process. If I don't, I will continue to battle the same issues for the rest of my life...the food, fear, more fat...and lousy health. All because I insist on having my way like a big baby. Enough!

God is clearly doing a NEW thing....

Sometimes on that show on TV, Extreme Makeover Home Edition, the crew decides that they can't help with a refurbishing or remodeling of the home that is currently standing. They bring in a demolition crew. Sometimes they have used a mammoth front loader like tractor thing...and just pushed it over. Sometimes they have used other means. Well, God has chosen now to show me that we aren't just remodeling here. This is a demolition project and we have to start from the ground up....truly. My foundation has been off kilter.

I welcome the change. This may be the end of this book...but it truly feels like the beginning of a journey.

One of my other horses had to be rushed to the vet's. So instantly, my resolve to rest in the Lord was tested. I had proclaimed my acceptance of God as God...he is sovereign, the ruler, I am the human subject. He is the potter, I am the clay. That was day 27. But by this day, I had been tested...for sure.

Day 28

This day's reading had so much to soothe my heart and to encourage me. I can't even begin to share all of the things that were impressed upon me.

The godly choices you make will infuse your life with greater joy and peace. (296)

Much of this day's reading focused on Matthew 11:28-31,which says: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I can literally say that this was like new...as if I had never read it before. I was feeling so weary from my concern about Doc (the first horse that is lame and hurting) and Harley (the second horse who is colicking...and horses can die from this)....Not to mention the pressure I was feeling about Christmas and other things that happen this time of year....and sadness, I guess, too. This year is sort of monumental. We have had many die in my extended family and sicknesses--so that getting together as a family is taking on a new meaning....I think it was all just beating me down somewhat.

So, in that context, I read about my Lord's invitation to me to rest in Him.

This entire day was about surrendering...and allowing that peace and rest to invade my heart at it's deepest place. I realize again that in the past, I might not have thought this had a whole lot to do with eating and releasing weight, but now it is so very obvious. When I take off on my own, something I am prone to do when I am weary, disappointed and feeling overwhelmed, it is then, I do my own thing in every way....and food is a part of that, clearly.

When we are not in accord with our Maker, we will find ourselves weary, worn down, anxious, depressed, or stressed. But when we cooperate with Him and His plan for us, we are energized. There is nothing more blessed than to walk in the good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. ( page 300)

Words for me...that much is certain. There was more farther down on this same page, a quotation from Chuck Swindoll:

I want to walk in your strength, I want to give the pressure to you, to relax and to retreat to your power and care and I want to abide in Christ deliberately.

Again, perfect words for where I was in that moment.

He blesses the weary one who rests in Him.

On that note, I ended the day's reading. It really was from the Lord to me...and set me up to focus again on the fact that God is God. I am not. And it really is better that way. :-)

Day 27

I see from my notes in the book, that Day 27 followed a day of spiritual testing. I had taken one of my horses to the UC Davis teaching veterinary hospital and the results concerned me...discouraged me...saddened me...and I found myself with an attitude of resentment toward the Lord. I got angry, I guess is the best way you could put it. I then found myself overwhelmingly weary and I just didn't care about "the food thing." Interesting how my pride resurfaced (not that it was ever gone completely) and it was connected with food...It is clear to me that my attitude toward food and eating is almost like a barometer for my relationship with the Lord. Something new that I have learned. I didn't know that it was so clearly linked.

Day 27 dawned and I realized I needed to "observe and correct" or "confess and repent." Big time.

As is His typical approach, God made sure that I was greeted with things I needed to see. This is one of the things that greeted me in Day 27s reading:

When we are weary, we are vulnerable...vulnerable to turning to temporary gratification rather than to the true life-sustaining satisfaction found only in Him. (page 287)

We're talking about mental and spiritual as well as physical exhaustion, when life has become a list of "must dos" instead of an adventure blessed with wonder, joy, and abundance. This is the kind of weariness that tarnishes the soul's luster. (page 288)

I knew that God was intimately acquainted with my disappointment and my struggle. Rather than allow it to continue, I committed afresh to his Lordship. I wrote gratitudes in my journal, including the fact that while my horse, Doc, may have 4 lame legs, he has the most wonderful disposition and all the vets and students loved him. He was so well behaved. I am fortunate to have such a wonderful "little pony" for my own. He loves people and wins their hearts readily.

This was a good way to start this day as instantly, my resolve was tested, but I get ahead of myself.

If He calls you, He equips you. Jesus doesn't want you to be weary and burdened down. You are His precious sheep, the one that He has sought to lead and nurture. You are His lamb to whom he said..."This is the resting place, let the weary rest"; and, "This is the place of repose"...(From Isaiah 28:12-13)

The Lord says come to me if you are weary and I will give you rest. I must abide in Him to experience that rest. This is intricately connected with my eating, apparently. When I rest in Him, I don't insist on having my way in any respect...His voice about any issue, including what I eat or drink and when...is welcomed. When I allow my SELF, my DESIRES, my EXPECTATIONS and my disappointments to cause me to become resentful...well, it erodes my attitude about everything including food.

Just finished reading Day 26. Did Day 25 yesterday in a rush.

On page 267 there is an exercise in Day 25 about what are some potential obstacles that I might face. I am then to brainstorm a possible solution for that potential problem. Like one friend said, "Plan in advance what I WILL do when the temptation/challenge comes." I think this advanced planning is a good idea.

I still enjoy that there is no obsession for me right now. Yes, as I posted, I could see the potential there. But it is minor and fades away when I don't feed it. I can't believe how absolutely different this experience has been for me this go through.

Another good thing about Day 25 was it helped me to remember that I can evaluate the reasons for any eating "occasion." Like if it is a party, or a typical family meal, or some sort of get-together. If I evaluate WHY I am there and what I hope to gain, then eating isn't the focus. Like meal-times with my family members....I enjoy those not because of *eating* together, but because of interacting with my family members. I can do that whether I eat a meal, sip on a drink, or abstain from anything other than enjoying conversation with them.

Today's reading, Day 26, was focused on the abundance of a life lived walking with the Lord. Anything else I turn to for satisfaction will leave me wanting. We were challenged to write a Good-bye to ______ (it could be food or anything else we tend to turn to instead of the Lord). I chose to write a short "Good bye to approval of man" letter. LOL!

There were LOADS of great quotes in this day's reading, but I won't quote any here. :-) It was good to be reminded that King Solomon had seen it all, experienced it all while looking for meaning and satisfaction. He found that trying to satisfy a God-shaped void with anything else was meaningless.

Ever onward!

Just finished reading Day 26. Did Day 25 yesterday in a rush.

On page 267 there is an exercise in Day 25 about what are some potential obstacles that I might face. I am then to brainstorm a possible solution for that potential problem. Like one friend said, "Plan in advance what I WILL do when the temptation/challenge comes." I think this advanced planning is a good idea.

I still enjoy that there is no obsession for me right now. Yes, as I posted, I could see the potential there. But it is minor and fades away when I don't feed it. I can't believe how absolutely different this experience has been for me this go through.

Another good thing about Day 25 was it helped me to remember that I can evaluate the reasons for any eating "occasion." Like if it is a party, or a typical family meal, or some sort of get-together. If I evaluate WHY I am there and what I hope to gain, then eating isn't the focus. Like meal-times with my family members....I enjoy those not because of *eating* together, but because of interacting with my family members. I can do that whether I eat a meal, sip on a drink, or abstain from anything other than enjoying conversation with them.

Today's reading, Day 26, was focused on the abundance of a life lived walking with the Lord. Anything else I turn to for satisfaction will leave me wanting. We were challenged to write a Good-bye to ______ (it could be food or anything else we tend to turn to instead of the Lord). I chose to write a short "Good bye to approval of man" letter. LOL!

There were LOADS of great quotes in this day's reading, but I won't quote any here. :-) It was good to be reminded that King Solomon had seen it all, experienced it all while looking for meaning and satisfaction. He found that trying to satisfy a God-shaped void with anything else was meaningless.

Ever onward!

Hi, everyone!

As always, God's timing is impeccable. I weighed myself this morning and was delighted that the outrageous goal weight I had hoped to reach by day 30 is a mere 3 pounds off!! If that isn't a God thing, I don't know what is.

But then I noticed that I got a little too concerned...my thinking shifted--*that* fast. I went from gratitude to concern. NOT ok. That makes it more about weight. It isn't about weight at all!

So, as I opened my book to day 24, that was where my mind was.

On page 257, after reading some good stuff :-), I was asked to answer this question: "What must I do to complete the restoration project God has begun in me?"

God led me to respond by saying: "I need to keep my focus on Him, keep exalting Him, desire to know Him. When my focus becomes me, my weight, my size, or if people notice and comment, that will derail me.

I must focus on being thankful to the Lord and not feed my ego. It hasn't been ME! That is so patently obvious! Church is one place where I see people who might say things to me to stroke my ego. I don't want to even go there. Today, I will intentionally wear a big baggy sweater because I don't trust myself to receive any compliment. Not yet. The reason....in the past I lost 100 pounds with a popular commercial dieting program after my second child was born and got ego stroking all along the way--LOTS of it. When it came time to maintain, the compliments stopped coming and my ego starved...Apparently, I had made it all be about ME. I won't make that same mistake. I rebounded and gained a lot of weight back right away back then.

This time, instead, I will foster an attitude of praise and worship to God. The simple truth is, He has done some amazing things in me. I know this more than anyone else could ever know (I know how I have lusted for food in the past and he has cured me of that, for instance). I want to keep it in my mind constantly that God is God and I am not. He is good, He is sovereign. He cares. This is *HIS* restoration project. He put it in my heart to be willing. That is His work as well.

All of these thoughts were going through my head this morning. I read these words on page 258: "We encourage you--no matter what trials or tests you endure, no matter how 'well' you think you are doing--to keep your focus on the one you serve. Our battle is about so much more than food. It is about the abundant life we have been given in Christ."

God sure confirmed what I had realized he was saying to my heart! LOL!

The book then quotes "Betty" as saying this: When I realized weight loss didn't totally hinge on how well I did the program, but was something God was doing in my life, I was able to relax. I recognized that my responsibility is to be in relationship with God and to seek His guidance."

YES YES YES! This is the heart of all of it. That is why releasing weight is incidental! When it isn't *about* getting thin, but is, instead, about heeding the Lord in all things, walking with Him, loving Him more and more, learning Who He is, His character and allowing Him access to my heart, my mind, all of me....the food fades from being such a focus. With diets and similar approaches of "controlling food"," food is the focus...so much harder to deal with. But the food doesn't need to behave. LOL! The food is innocuous. It is what *I* am fixated on that matters.

It is amazing to realize that God has removed this weight from me while giving me such amazing satisfaction in eating with my family, out at restaurants, desert foods...whatever. There has been *no* sense of "deprivation." Much to the contrary. There has been so much more *satisfaction* than ever before!

Anyhow, on pages 260-261 there is an exercise to again re-evaluate the goals from day 3 and that were re-evaluated on day 16. This time, the reader is asked to adjust the goals and add action steps to break them down a bit more.

Never before have I been anywhere close to experiencing the realization of the goals that God led me to set in day 3. This time, however, it is happening! In today's exercises, I enjoyed breaking down the goals a bit more and fine tuning them.

My Goal #1 is to reach a certain weight. Before, it was to "close in" on the weight. Now it simply is to get there. Wow. If it happens....well, God has already done so much. This is HIS work, not mine! The action steps I have for this goal are to keep my focus on the Lord, NOT on food or the changes physically. I want to foster a greater prayer life throughout each day and each meal. Continue to eat 0-5. Continue with moving my body because it is such fun! And another important action step is to write out things I am grateful for each day...always keeping my focus on the Lord!

Goal 2 is to continue to exercise at least 4x a week and to enjoy it. This is such fun. I use the Dance Praise program for our computer. It is a blast and it is edifying at the same time. We bought it a year ago at Christmas time and my daughter and I have loved it.

Goal 3 has to do with doing some clean up in the master bedroom and bath as it is a disaster. I have chunked this down into daily steps I will take to do this. We have company coming and want them to feel at home and comfortable in the master suite!

The thing I have really been convinced of is that I need to really focus on the Lord...foster an ongoing "pray without ceasing" sort of prayer life. I want to do this and build gratitude more into my life.

Tomorrow I will be facing an extremely stressful situation. I must drive a long way with one of my horses in the trailer (I am nervous about this) to take him to UC Davis vet clinic in the hopes of finding out what his prognosis is for a happy life. He is only 8 and miserable. I must process all of my feelings with the Lord through prayer.

Heidi

I am still amazed at the changes God has made in me. It really isn't about food. It is about God and His desire to be Lord. I am so thankful that I have Him in my life. I could never "hold it together" without Him. I trust HE will "hold it together."

One of the exercises in today's reading was to take a negative thought, write it out and replace it with a positive thought. My negative thought: "This will never 'stick.' I will gain the weight back like I always do."

I choose to replace it with GOD's truth which is: "The LORD has worked these changes in me. As I remain focused on Him (by HIS grace!), these WILL be ongoing permanent changes in my heart and life."

Another activity was to evaluate some character qualities that I think God wants to develop more in my life. I chose integrity, humility, gentleness. There was a written activity about how these things will be evident in my life as God works them in me.

I remember thinking in the past that the last third of the book didn't really apply to the TW journey of eating 0-5 and releasing weight. It is interesting to me now just how related I see it as being. This is about my character. God uses eating occasions to work on my character. Food has long been an issue, a problem for me. How wonderful that God will use my thoughts of food to create a field for change for me...in things that are much more far reaching than just how much I weigh. God is all wise.

The thing I highlighted today: "God will not abandon you as you wrestle with issues of food and weight, even if you 'fail' with 0 to 5 eating. He is still with you, loving you, calling you to return to Him so He can wipe the tears from your eyes and lead you down the path of His provision as you live the holy life. When the enemy asks, 'Where is your God?' resolutely declare, 'He is in the same place He has always been, He is right here with me.'"

This is from the Thin Within book on pg. 248.

Thank you, Lord!

I have completed through day 22 and will do Day 23 tomorrow.

I feel a bit like I am coasting. God is not letting me off the hook. He continues to zero in on idolatry in my life, pointing out that my horse/family dream has been an idol. What have I longed for? What have I lost sleep over? What have I shed tears over? What have I manipulated, schemed, planned about? Nothing as much as I have this dream of having the four horses we have now be four horses that will take the four of us (my family and I) out on the trail.

This shouldn't be. It doesn't mean that the dream isn't godly. It may or may not be. But I have bowed down to it. I have allowed my nearness to it or not to determine so much of how I will feel about things....God has convicted my heart of this.

I realize it may mean that I will need to do anything from the extreme of letting go of all four horses and never have horses ever again, to keeping the four we have and just changing my focus, to anything inbetween.

When he pointed this out to me, though, I began (through tears, of course), to beg him to please make it so clear what HE wanted. If HE has a new owner for any of them, HE would have to be sure I don't miss it!!! I begged Him.

One thing has led to another and it appears that He is answering this prayer...but I will wait on Him for confirmation.

It has occurred to me repeatedly now just how crucial it is to develop a true heart of gratitude through this process. I have released 20 pounds. I lost 100 once with Weight Watchers and found them again...I believe because the focus was on ME and MY success. When WW stopped recognizing me for "maintaining" my ego wasn't being fed! Stupid, huh? Anyhow, this time around, I don't want the ego fed. I want to "feed" praises to God constantly! I want to constantly be ever mindful that HE has done an amazing work in me. HE has done it. Gosh, even the surrendering that has given Him access is a work done by HIM.

I can't take any credit!

I completed day 20 this morning and I will spare you the gory details. LOL! I won't say anything except that God is at work! SO much going on!!!!!

Day Nineteen - Opening the Prison Gates

1. From page 194, “What is the single greatest gift that God has bestowed on humankind? There can be no doubt that it is the forgiveness of all our sins in Christ. John MacArthur, Jr., says it well: ‘There would be no salvation, relationship to God, entering into heaven, no usefulness to God, and no relief of guilt, without the forgiveness of sin.’ Further, there would be no indwelling presence, no experience of His comfort and peace without the forgiveness of sin. We would be shattered by the awareness of our own sin without the revelation that we are now complete in Christ.” Respond to this quotation. How do you personally feel about the “single greatest gift?” Ponder it for a few minutes and journal your response.

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Right now, God seems to be showing me so many things in my character he wants to change. I am brought to tears each day as I taste of the heartache of my pride. I can't imagine being any more disappointed...convicted, saddened by all I have to offer. I think it is a bit like Isaiah in chapter 6 of his book where he says "Woe to me. I am a man of unclean lips..." And his guilt was taken away...and he was called to go forth. God's amazing grace....grace for forgiveness, but grace to turn from sin, too. Grace to press forward in the newness of the forgiveness granted to him.I am so thankful for God's gift. It gives such depth of meaning to the phrase "He is the lifter of my head." Without Him lifting my head, I would be "undone!" I am also so thankful that he walks with us, step by step, enabling us by His Spirit.

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2. On pages 194 and 195 there is a discussion of confession and repentance. How do you feel about what is taught here? How do you feel about the comments that the “observation” we have been doing is actually confession and the “correction” we have been doing is actually repentance? Compare this to what you have been taught previously about repentance. What does scripture teach leads us to repentance? Is it fear of God lowering the boom? Or something else? What?

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God's kindness leads me to repentance. It seems odd to me that humans can turn even repentance into something we take *pride* in. I am convinced that there is nothing protected from the insidious effects of pride. I want to be diligent not to allow pride to sneak into my worship, my prayer, my journaling, my speaking, my thinking....I know it does. It seems so ridiculous! Where does it come from? I have *nothing* to take pride *in* save Jesus....I don't get it.

Anyhow, agreeing with God brings freedom. Observing my behavior with His eyes of holiness *and* His eyes of grace causes me to respond more in humility and be *willing* to correct. The same grace that brings salvation teaches us to say NO to ungodliness and wordly passions. (Do I sound like a broken record? God is really writing some things on my heart and on my life...it is painful, but also wonderful!)


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4. On page 196 near the bottom, Debra shares her story. How can you identify with what she shares? Can you use her solution? Why? Why not?

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I hit an emotional bottom yesterday. God revealed something devastating to me....it so hard. I came up to the house in tears (I had been out with the horses). I went to my room and cried and cried and cried. I can't ever remember being in such a low, dark, sad place that felt so enveloping when I *didn't* turn to food or at least think about food....I actually found myself praying, begging God. He has been using music a lot lately to minister to me....what came to my mind was "I lift my eyes up to the mountains, where does my help come from. My help comes from you, Maker of Heaven, Creator of the earth, oh how I need your love....etc...." It was amazing. It wasn't until later that I saw what He had done in me...causing a song in my heart to be a prayer to Him. But after that, I ended up doing some exercise time with the Dance Praise program on the computer. Thirty minutes later and I felt much better....This was nothing short of miraculous from where I sit. This wasn't me. It was Him. It really was. If you know me at all, you know that this isn't Heidi...nope....It is Christ in me, the hope of glory...I get that now. Because He is doing things in me, there really *is* hope. Not just an "I think I can I think I can pull myself up by the boot straps" sort of hope--but hope that is all about Jesus who shows up and transforms us from glory to glory....wow...Anyhow, I guess God was my means of coping with the pit I fell into yesterday. :-) Yay.

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6. On page 198 you were encouraged to be very deliberate about forgiving yourself for anything that the Lord laid on your heart. How did this exercise go for you? What thoughts surfaced? What insights did you glean from this exercise?

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I will be honest...and I was with Judy when I told her about this...I felt like it was hollow for me. I needed the exercise of forgiving myself or receiving God's forgiveness for things I had done to be followed with a challenge or a reminder to repent of behaviors that will need me to do this exercise again. Without a turning from destructive behaviors, the forgiveness is somewhat short-lived. I know it was touched on in the chapter, but ...well...it is touched on again following, but I think a written exercise about positive things I will do instead in the future. Like if something I needed to forgive myself was slothfulness, then I needed to be challenged "If grace teaches us to say no to ungodliness and to live self-controlled and upright lives in this present evil age, then what will you do differently?" or something like that. God asked me these things later, so it was ok, but until I figured out what was missing for me, it was very empty. Maybe because I rushed too much. I would say this was very significant for me.

Perfect timing, once again, for the material that I come to in the book! Wow! Chapter 18 focuses on godly boundaries using the story of Nehemiah. It is a great story, but I appreciate most the focus on godly boundaries.

My 12 year old daughter is in a holiday mood. She equates this with baking. I wonder if I have modeled this for her in past years. I don't know. She rarely eats what she makes, it seems. (She is thin.) So now there is a big pan of brownies and a plate of sugar cookies. I have only sampled both...I realized when reading this chapter that God has been working on me in establishing my boundaries already. Frankly, brownies and cookies don't do much for me any more. It is an astonishing work of His Spirit in my life.

Not that there isn't any temptation, mind you. But it is a very tiny obnoxious little voice. In the past, with peppermint ice cream, sugar cookies, and brownies in my house I would rationalize that NOW isn't the time to try to remain focused on TW. I wouldn't even TRY to eat those things 0-5. Silly, huh?

The brownies have been here since Weds and I think all together the tiny bits I have had equal about 2 inches by 2 inches when put together. I had the tip of two Christmas tree sugar cookies yesterday and one whole cookie...not very satisfying. I won't be tempted today.

Well, the book mentiones the categories of pleasers, teasers, total rejects, and whole body pleasers. The meal experience from day 15 showed me that a cheese enchilada from Cafe Delicias is definitely a WHOLE BODY PLEASER! YUM! :-) But not many other things are. This surprises me!

I am learning so much. It is such fun!

"We must remain even more vigilant, however, regarding what satisfies our souls, which is intimacy with the Lord. Wehole-body pleasers, regardless of the quantity, will never satisfy the emptiness that God wants to fill with His presence, power, and love. Let's continue to participate in this journey, which is strengthening and building your spirit, mind, and body as a temple for His glory. 'My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you' (Psalm 63:5)." from page 189

I missed this before. Before, I wasn't surrendered to him. Before, I hadn't laid down MY will about things. Sure, I gave up food and ate 0-5 with success, but I couldn't keep it off because it was MY performance. It didn't seem like it, but without the pride being laid down, without the gratitude...it was a smoke screen hiding the truth. It isn't about the food and eating. It is about belonging 100% to the Lord. I know I still am witholding....I had a miserable failure yesterday. Not food related, but related to pride....and it got me in a bunch of trouble....God used it to expose to me just how great a work is yet ahead.

I am still skeptical about myself. I have to remember it isn't ME. It is HIM. He IS doing a new thing. I am not just saying that this time! He really IS and I DO perceive it! (Referring to the verse in Isaiah.) He IS completing the work He began...and he will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ (Phil 1:6).

Today is a big scary day to me. I am way out of my comfort zone. This is sort of one of those godly goals...being willing to be up front in front of people again when I have been hiding for a long while. Our family is lighting the advent candle today and doing a presentation on what we do to keep Christ in Christmas. This is during our church service this morning. At about 10:40 pacific time, we will be on. If you get this and want to pray, I would appreciate it!

Tonight, my daughter and I are in the Christmas radio play...front and center. My son and husband are doing lights and sound. I get knots in my stomach. I still want to hide....God is calling me out of my shame. HE is GOD. I am NOT. He WILL be exalted!

I think that day 17 holds a vital key. Again, it is as if God has been preparing my heart for this and even though I have read this material countless times, it is still new and fresh. I love how God can do that! His Spirit sees no barriers, but just does His amazing work. I am so thankful!

Gratitude is the theme of this day and this is something that God has been speaking to me about as well over the past month.

When I came to the point of finally letting go of my over-arching rebellion and anger and hurt and resentment against God because of my son's autism...when I finally bowed my head (it took 14 years) and said, "You are God. I am not. Your ways are not my ways."...it was immediately that he began working gratitude in my heart. I could see that as long as I held an attitude (again, of pride) that God had "wronged me" and that "I knew better"...I couldn't possibly foster a life of gratitude. No matter how much I tried "giving thanks" with an act of my will, I kept coming up against this road block...He wanted me to thank him, in trust, for my son JUST THE WAY HE IS.

As soon as I felt acceptance that He is God in this and He has His purposes and I may never know them, but they are beyond fathoming and definitely beyond MY scrutiny...and that He didn't have to "prove" to me that He had a "right" to do this to Daniel or to me (pairing us up)...gratitude began to flood my heart.

It didn't hurt that, at the same time, I had my Lasik surgery done on my right eye and suddenly had physical sight given to me in a way that just floored me. It still does! I am soooo thankful that I don't have to try to ride my horses in my glasses (I sweat and they fall off or steam up or both)...I LOVE seeing the detail out in nature. I LOVE seeing when I drive without glasses. I have always hated my glasses....

Anyhow, God used this event in my life to begin to till the soil of my heart with seeds of gratitude. I think that was why the Day 15 meal exercise had gratitude first thing...even if it was for finger prints.

I have found myself overwhelmed to tears at the amazing love of the Lord...this is not PMS! This isn't tiredness and my being a weanie! It is very unfamiliar to me, but I think it is a softened heart! It floors me! Even today as I was working on a project, I read the verse about God wanting us to have no idols and if you read the entire verse in context, it sure seems like he equates any kind of idolatry as hating him. That broke my heart. It is so easy to say how wrong idolatry is....and yet I do it....if I thought of God feeling that I *hate* him...oh....I couldn't do that to Him. I just couldn't.

Anyhow, that is an example of how softhearted I have been lately. I have been reading my kids (we homeschool) their bible lesson and I have been moved to tears. (They are rather confused by these changes! LOL!) A Christmas song will even make me cry. Like Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel and Ransom Captive Israel....oh...even now that moves me. He paid my ransom *and* theirs. Israel (much of them anyhow) *missed* it. Have *I* missed it, too? Do I stay in my prison even though Jesus paid my ransom? Did he die in vain?

Anyhow, all that to say God has definitely been at work, moving me to focus on the bounty that I *have* rather than on what I don't have. In the past, I was frustrated about my horses, for instance...I have four and I would bemoan the fact that "only one" is rideable. Gosh...I have ONE horse I can ride! It is a blast! It is WONDERFUL! I dreamed of having ONE horse I could ride all my life, I have one, and now I am acting like an ingrate!?????? No MORE!

I have three other horses who I delight in playing with...they are precious. I delight in their smell, their nicker, their nuzzling...I could go on and on.

I see that when I have a heart of gratitude, I can't resume that place of pride. They are opposed to one another. When pride is allowed to go unchecked, I am not grateful. It is my heart's desire to really beg God to make me grateful for every single thing and not take a bit of it for granted.

Years ago, I lost 100 pounds or so with Weight Watchers. Then, they didn't really have a program in place to help someone like me maintain. I went from being the "star pupil" in my leader's class to being no one...to being the one who was just supposed to "hang in." There was no where for me to go but down! When I weighed in, I either "just maintained" or I gained!

Because my ego wasn't getting stroked as it had for a year (it was all about the Path of MY Performance, after all), because it was all about ME and what *I* had done, MY performance...it didn't last. It didn't take much time at all for the weight to pour back on. I am convinced now that gratitude to God is what will keep taking the weight off me now and keep it off when it goes. If I dare to begin to allow pride back into the picture, I suddenly jump on to the path of my performance again--even doing Thin Within it is possible to do that. I don't want to do that!!!!! If someone compliments me about the weight released and I in ANY way take credit, then pride is being given a chance to take root...gratitude to God is thrown out the window and I am not walking in God's best or His truth.

No way. I won't do this.

This isn't just about being grateful to God about weight released, either. It is about everything...as I foster this character quality of thankfulness, appreciation, it, in turn continues to promote true humility in my life....This is about so much more than my physical body....and food.

The book says it like this:

"As we continue to be thankful to the Lord, we discover that the shackles of self-preoccupation and greed begin to fall away, that our incessant need or want for more food begins to diminish. We discover that we are being transformed from within. It is in this place of continued surrender that we lay before Him our hearts, our hunger, and, yes, our food..." page 175

Heidi

I did Day 16 yesterday, but wrote about day 15 yesterday, so thought I would try to catch up this evening.

During day 16, some things really came to the forefront...actually, God keeps bringing them up. I have mentioned pride before.

I guess it occurs to me that it is easy to say that I am no longer in rebellion. That is the big thing, isn't it? I mean, my response when I read the scripture about God hating rebellion...that it is to him as divination is to be aghast with myself that I would prolong my rebellion.

Somehow, I minimize that rebellion can be in the minute. One tiny choice to do my own thing "just because I want to"...even if it is "small" is based in pride. It, too, is rebellion. I want to sugar coat it. Dummy it down...make it not sting so much.

Yet any time I make my own choice, disregarding God's best in the tiny moment, in the small choice....that is pride...it is sin.

I don't mean just food either. But, God is using food to form and shape my character in this regard...it is ever and always in my face, it seems.

For instance, when I eat to a five and then say "I think I will end the meal with a tiny bite of brownie..." or when I know I am not at a 0 yet and I reason that I could have a healthy dose of salsa with a couple of chips and "it would be healthy, after all"...If the Holy Spirit objects and I minimize this choice...say "This isn't any big deal...look at how I gave up half my bowl of cereal this morning..." or something similar. Gosh, I see it so clearly now. This is rooted in pride. My way, my will, my food, my choices, my life....

I got to be 50+ pounds over weight by these very attitudes. They may not have been over one tiny bite or over chips, but it was the same attitude. This isn't about the food. It is about a heart transplant. It is about breaking the chains that I have allowed connecting me to food in *any* way. It is taking the verse in 1 Corinthians to the next level... "All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial. All things are permissible, but I will not be mastered by anything..." The freedom I have in Christ is wonderful, but it is for freedom...freedom from being mastered by chocolate, pizza...whatever...it is for freedom that Christ set me free (Galatians 5:1 I think). I am, therefore to put to death the deads of the flesh. Like indulging the lusts of my flesh at any level.

It isn't about getting thin and impressing God. Nope. It is about my heart belonging to him.

I have been convicted that it is time to make beneficial choices like the verse says. Move on from just enjoying the fact that all foods are permissible when eating according to God's marvelous plan of hunger and satisfaction. But maybe now it is time to move on from what is merely beneficial, to being more sensitive to what has mastery over me. Is the idol still on the throne of my life? Do I still cow to any certain food? Sure, maybe I eat it 0-5....but could I....NOT eat it? How would that affect me?

What is at the root of my unwillingness to give up caffeine in my diet coke? My will, my choices, my body....me me me. I continue to minimize this...yet it is something God has spoken to me about. "Oh, Lord...not that, too...I have given you everything else...are you really going to take my bubbles, too?" This isn't about the food (or drink). This is about my heart.

Does it have mastery over me? Then maybe I need to eradicate it from my life for the time being. If I can't say no to it, maybe I need to "fast" from it for a time. Like go a week (or even a day!) without any carbonated drink!

Does this make sense? Do you see where this leads? If I really break free from being mastered by anything other than the Lord, then food will be a non-issue.

Boy, I am sure going on and on....sorry. Can't imagine anyone really reads these! LOL!

The book says it this way: We have begun to release our hold on demanding our way, which doesn't have quite the appeal it did before we came to see Him as good, wise and sovereign. We see that we have an opportunity to make choices that are in agreement with His divine purposes. In this there is peace and rest. He is our ahtority. He is our king. His ways are good. We begin to understand that the delight and peace found in submission is worth far more than "our rights," some of which we have relinquished." (page 161)

All for now...I still wanted to share Day 17 thoughts!

I did day 15 yesterday with the First Meal of the Rest of Your Life experience happening last night for my dinner. It was an amazing experience. After all these years of toying with this material and with God and my seriousness with it, I was skeptical...how would he get through to me?

I guess He has really done (and IS doing) a new thing in me, as my skepticism melted away as overwhelming gratitude flooded my thoughts.

When I sat down to my meal--leftovers from a dinner out at a favorite mexican restaurant--the first thing I saw were the fingerprints on the window across from me. I was so thankful that I have two of the most wonderful kids in the world who made those fingerprints. Wow, if that didn't take me by surprise!

This thought was a gift from the Holy Spirit...or so I believe as it seemed to just set the tone of gratitude for my meal.

The exercise in the book has you be very intentional as you look smell and taste the foods and evaluate how you are responding as you taste...prayer bathes the entire experience. It did for me...another new thing. Boy, I am such a slow study! LOL! It was great to praise God for the smell and the wonderful combination of flavors...whoever thought to put these thigns together this way? Thank you for them, Lord! LOL!

I had chosen 5 chips (the bag was filled with crums and I also knew I had to limit myself) to have with homemade salsa as part of this meal and I discovered that while typically a favorite combination of mine, the chips and salsa kept me from being able to taste the other food! I wonder how often that happens when I am out at a mexican restaurant! I wonder if I might enjoy the *entire* meal more if I don't deaden my taste buds with salsa! I LOVE salsa! But I love cheese enchiladas SO MUCH MORE! LOL!

So, I chose to set aside the chips and salsa . This is a miracle. LOL!

I then discovered that the rice and beans were no where near as wonderful left over as the enchilda. Normally, I would have told myself "There isn't much food here. Surely, this constitutes a meal of 0-5...and I have already let go of having the chips and salsa. Aren't I being good, God? I can eat it all..." (pathetic sounding, huh?) But I realized that this was a very prideful attitude...God is really trying to root out the pride in every single tiny itty bitty thing...pride is so destructive and stands against God. I don't want that. I have so much pride...it is painful to realize this....but I may as well face the truth and deal with it. God is gently helping me with it.

So, the rice and beans weren't eaten. The salsa and chips weren't eaten. But boy, did I savor that enchilada...except the dogs got the last two bites...ANOTHER MIRACLE!

Following this exercise is a chart to fill out on page 156. For each Key to Conscious Eating, I was asked if I used the key and if so, how I felt it affected my meal experience. Wow....did a lot come of this.

The one question that I think I will try to remember to ask myself when I sit down to eat...is "Am I enjoying this food as much as I thought I would?" The instructions of the activity spurred me to ask myself this question and it caused me to see that much of the food I had prepared wouldn't be enjoyed...and since I might get to a 5 much sooner than I anticipate, why not "spend" it on the food that is really good? In the past I have always saved the tastiest morsel for last. But this way, I had the best first...and it was a delight...things really DO taste better when you are truly hungry.

God is trying to show me that this isn't about food, weight, or my "issues." It is about Him...how great He is, how loving, gracious and merciful...about His invitation to me to walk with Him...it floors me to realize this.

He uses food in my life to remind me 2 or 3 or 4 times a day at how much he longs for me to be intimate with him....what a wonderful way to take something my body needs and turn it into a love song sung for me throughout the day.

I am blessed.

Hi, everyone.

I have asked God to please clarify my hunger/satisfaction signals. They are muddied at times. In the past, I never had any problem with this. It seems odd that I am having difficulty with this now, when I am applying myself more wholeheartedly than ever to this approach and to giving God access completely. If you think of me, would you pray that I would know with clarity what my body is telling me, what God is telling me and that I would respond in humble obedience?

I am so tired of food being an idol. I have bowed down to it and worshipped it long enough. I really have. I have built my life around food, it seems. My choices with food have cost me so much and yet I continue to allow this, to welcome it.

Anyhow, to me, if I am carving into my life allowances for something that is destroying me the way my attachment to food has, then it simply is a god in my life. This is wrong. I mean, no duh.

God has really crystalized these thoughts for me recently. I mean really brought me to a place of brokenness about it and I ask that he keep me in that place. I don't want to go setting up "high places" again.

I know that God is in the business of redeeming ANYthing...so all the years the locusts have eaten...he will redeem those. I know this.

"The intimacy God wants to share with us increases as we release to Him our unmet needs and our expectations of others and ourselves. It occurs by degrees as we surrender our mind, emotions, and will to Him. It occurs in obedience to His will as we look to Him moment by moment for inspiration and accept His equipping and His empowerment. He intends that His grace should infuse every aspect of our lives." (page 131)

This made me think about how when the TW book was first coming out, I was fresh out of a very wounding experience. Words like "repentance" and "idol" and imagery of the promised land...all the things that _____ used to teach...I disdained them. It was like many things that were good and pure and wonderful and TRUE from God's Word had been turned to poison in my mind because of my negative associations with them in ______.

The bottom line is, it is God's kindness (his mercy and grace) that LEADS us to repentance!!!! When I have bowed my head at all to Him and agreed with Him that what I have been doing has not been working...and choose to turn a corner with my behavior...it is because HE has wooed me with his kindness! This is scripture. If someone has taken truths of scripture and used them to put shackles on others, it still doesn't mean the scripture is not valuable. It is still God's Word!

So words like repentance, obedience and the like...they are returning now to my vocabulary with regard to my food issues....probably for the first time since mid 2000! I confess this to you my sisters. Do any of you feel like I have? Like we can't speak the truth about our choices because we have a bad taste in our mouth from ______ or some other teaching? We need to expose this...it is Satan's ploy to keep us from inviting the Lord access to this area of our lives where we need his touch so desperately!

The book says it well at the bottom of page 131, yet still gently: "We've learned the hard way that living in the flesh doesn't work. Now that we have accepted our freedom, we must begin to develop discernment and choose whether to serve the flesh or live the Spirit-led life."

While it was for freedom that Christ set us free, we have also been told in Scripture that we must live godly lives in Christ Jesus. This same grace that brings salvation teaches us to say NO to ungodliness in any form...including greed!

As of today, I commit to speaking the truth. Ladies, my fixation on food, unwillingness to relinquish whatever it may be...it is SIN!!!!! Why am I clinging to anything so tightly, I wonder? What am I afraid of?


The most powerful thing that came home to me in Day 14 in the book was to realize that what I believe affects my actions. This is a no brainer. When I was a marathon runner, I acted like a marathon runner. When I have assumed the identity of "fat lady" I have acted like a fat lady. YUCK! I want to think of myself as a saint saved by grace, meant to fly on wings of an eagle! I just bet that will change a bunch of stuff! :-)

I have the Holy Spirit living in me...I am now *capable* of making holy choices. I am free to choose HOLINESS. I can offer the parts of my body to God as instruments of RIGHTEOUSNESS!

I didn't write anything up on day 12.

Day Thirteen Wind Beneath My Wings

1. The authors state on page 131, “The intimacy God wants to share with us increases as we release to Him our unmet needs and our expectations of others and ourselves. It occurs by degrees as we surrender our mind, emotions, and will to Him. It occurs in obedience to His will as we look to Him moment by moment for inspiration and accept His equipping and His empowerment. He intends that His grace should infuse every aspect of our lives.” Respond to these comments. In what ways is grace infusing every aspect of your life? Where do you yet need to allow God’s grace to seep in?

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Sometimes there seems a disconnect for me. It is my prayer that I will become fully aware of the power, provision, presence of God that is available to me through His grace. I want to eat, drink, breathe, sleep God's grace...But it is more than a gooey goodness. Grace is MUCH more than some of what I tend to make of it.

Titus 2:11-12 says this about grace:

For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age...

So often I apply depend on the "freedom" component of grace, but I must apply myself to realizing and practicing the fact that Grace also teaches me to say NO to ungodliness....whether it be the way I speak to my husband or kids, the way I drive, the way I eat....etc.

Something that I have been convicted about in my eating is greed. My 12 year old daughter asked me "Mom is overeating really a sin?" Mind you, she is rail thin and has a figure I *never* had...that I would have LOVED to have had. My son is the same. At 14 he has a youthful, but now manly, fit looking physique. My husband and I were *always* "husky" so we can't figure out where this came from for them. LOL!

Anyhow, in responding to my daughter I mentioned to her that even if a person wants to define gluttony as something other than eating past 5 (and the bible speaks against gluttony), at the heart of my poor eating habits *are* sinful attitudes. One is greed. I don't want to share or give up certain things. That is really a greedy attitude. The bible is clear about greed!

Additionally, I have to come back to when I won't release a food that I really fixate on to the Lord should He ask...well, that is not only greed, but rebellion. Not that He does it very often, but what *if* God were to ask me to give up a certain food for a day, a month, a year....Would I allow it? Would I say "Of course, Lord, whatever you want. I am yours." Or would I say "No...you don't really mean that, Lord. You wouldn't want to DEPRIVE me, after all, would you? I mean, I am under *grace*...." This is a misappropriation of grace! To use "grace" to fuel rebellion is ridiculous. At the heart of rebellion is pride. Gosh, the bible is so clear that God hates rebellion, which he says is as divination!!!! And pride was at the heart of the fall of Satan!

As you can see, it is easy to apply the notion of "grace" in such a way that it fuels SIN...greed, rebellion, and pride...This is WRONG.

What I hope to do is allow the TRUE grace of God...yes, the power, provision, presence of God...to permeate my life, but to realize THIS SAME GRACE teaches me to say NO to ungodliness and WORLDLY passions! I want to live a self-controlled--SPIRIT CONTROLLED--life, upright and godly. That is my passion. To do that, I must allow the TRUE grace of God to affect all my choices. NOT just the ones I "approve."

Either I am going to live as if I am God's or I am not. There is no inbetween. You can't be "sort of" surrendered. Saying I am "sort of" surrendered is the same as saying someone is "sort of" pregnant. Either I am or I am not. I choose to be surrendered...completely.

The biggest conviction of my life about my eating came about three weeks ago, but today it is fresh once again.

Before I returned to Thin Within and a willingness to apply myself to allowing God access to my eating, I knew I was on a crash course, heading to an early grave. I even agonized about it. How stupid is that? I began to wonder how my husband would manage. I currently homeschool our two kids. What would he do about that? How would he manage putting our autistic son in school, when Daniel struggles so much in a school environment? How would he manage if my daughter, who is verry very connected to me, freaked and couldn't cope with her Mom dying? What would my husband do about the horses? He wouldn't have time to care for them...he would have to make the agonizing decision to sell them and find good homes, as he knows I wouldn't sell or give them to just anyone...and...well, I realized that our family would be torn apart...and why? Just because I refused to let go of eating what I want when I want? How crazy is that?

This scenario that I have just described happens in homes all the times...maybe we don't see it as related to over-eating...but consider this. I have a friend who was married to a man for years. Let's call him Larry. They had four kids. Their marriage had been rocky, but there were promising times, too. But Larry refused to set aside his worldly passions and lusts (sound familiar?) and continued to dabble in pornography. Without going into detail, his refusal to cut his ties to this ultimately lost him his entire family. My friend was left with the heartache of having to be a single mom...it was almost like Larry had died as she tried desperately to put the pieces of her and her kids' life back together. It was a huge shift and wreaked havoc in the family, of course. The consequences of sin are devastating.

As I pondered this a few weeks ago, I realized...really, how different was I being from the sex addict? It is so easy to look down my nose on such a one...in my self-righteous piety. How disdainful that Larry would give up so much and put his family through so much for his lusts!
But what REALLY is the difference between me and Larry? The results are the same! Families torn apart that have to find a way to start over and deal with losses that NEVER HAD TO HAPPEN, but did because someone would NOT GIVE UP SIN.

Whew.

This is majorly convicting to me even now....afresh.

Grace teaches me to say NO to ungodliness and worldly passions.

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4. On page 135 we are to list the behaviors of a naturally thin friend. Do you know anyone like that? If you would like to share with us on the forums about your friend, feel free.
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That is my sister described in the book, so I will spare you the details again! :-)

I have to laugh! I posted that stuff about graduating from kindergarten and that is precisely what today's material was on in Day 11. Or at least it sure seems related to me. After I posted, I went out to do my morning chores (feeding the horses). While I was out there, I wondered if I shouldn't come back in and shoot you all an email clarifying some things in my previous post. Then I thought I would just get started in my reading of Day 11 instead. I am glad I did. I would have wasted your time! LOL! It is clarified in day 11 as far as I am concerned!

Day Eleven Removal of the Rubble

1. On page 110 the authors come to a point and state the following “We have learned that a very basic yet powerful belief is in operation for most men and women who struggle with food issues, and here it is: This is my body, and I can do with it as I please.” Respond to this statement. Do you feel it is accurate? Or not? For you is it accurate? How so?

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Because of my extreme disappointment and resentment toward God about my son's autism (Daniel was born 14 and a half years ago!!!), I was definitely in a state of rebellion. God crumbled the wall I had built against him when a dear friend began to pray for me and when a woman with a four year old with the same type of autism began asking me questions and told me I had been such an encouragement to her...oh my word, God has a sense of humor! But he used that and the playing of Mark Schultz's song, "He's My Son" on KLOVE to just melt my heart about this. Add to that, the song by Steven Curtis Chapman "God is God" and, well...I could tell that God was not only NOT distant, but he was intimately involved. He showed me just how much of my resentment and fear was based in assuming I knew the future (I know I have shared this with you all before).

Anyhow, all that to say, it was my resentment and anger at God that caused me to maintain the attitude "I will do with my body as *I* please." Even when I ate 0-5 before, it wasn't with a humble spirit. It was because *I* just so happened to have *chosen* to do that because *I* wanted to. SO THERE, GOD! (shaking fist!) I mean, I really have been a BIG BABY about this!

God forgive me for this attitude.

As He melted that away...something new and wonderful has been happening. I have welcomed his touch...I have seen that He has been at work healing me from so many things and I was missing it. Now it is clear to me.

My body is not my own. I was bought at an incredibly high price. It cost my savior everything...His kingly position in heaven...and to take on flesh and all the things that go with that. And ultimately, to be accused falsely, beaten, betrayed, and killed. Oh my heart.....How can I refuse such amazing love?

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2. At the top of page 111 we are told that “We often have temper tantrums about our bodies and our food. ‘I want what I want when I want it!’ Acting very much like spoiled children, we declare in word or deed, ‘My will, not Thy will.’” Can you identify with this? When is this attitude most prevalent for you personally?

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True confessions time! Judy gave me a lot of freedom in the working on the book to include excerpts from my own life that would illustrate a point. So "Michaela," while actually my daughter's name, is truthfully ME. I had a friend actually say to me the anecdote in the book on page 110 and 111 "Of COURSE your son has temper tantrums. He sees you having them all the time!" ...bless her heart. I wish I could find her now and THANK HER! She has no idea how much God used her in my life and is again. She was talking about my tendency to insist I have a Dairy Queen Oreo Blizzard whenever I wanted and my insistance that we swing through the drive-thru...ANY time I wanted one. See what I mean about being in kindergarten? I have been such a big baby! Even still!

Anyhow, right now, possibly for the first time in years and years, I am truly at a place where I am willing to say not MY will, Lord, but THY will. Like Rhonda's poem...what a wonderful poem that is. So fitting for where I am right now. Oh Lord! Please don't let me LOSE a willingness to let go of all...to release it all to your hands! Keep my heart, Lord! Make it completely yours!

No more temper tantrums and kindergarten behavior! :-)

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4. On page 112, the authors speak of being broken. Have you ever been broken? What caused the breaking? What was it about? Is God heading you toward brokenness at this time?

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Yes. Definitely.

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5. There is a quote on page 114 by Kay Arthur related to self-effort. Evaluate how hard you are trying. Is your focus on your self-effort? Or do you feel the freedom of walking in the Lord. Does it seem like it is too remote? Or is this something you are grasping with experience? Consider taking time to pray to the Lord about how you feel about this.

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I am tasting this...I can see it possibly for the first time.

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Other quotes that challenge and encourage me:

"As we begin to take captive all of our thoughts that are contrary to Christ's and replace them with the truth of God's Word, we will want to give Him our bodies and our lives. This is a process which at first may not be easy (**I'LL** say!!!). However, each time we surrender our will and move forward in faith, we will experience God's blessings. Remind yourself that the desire of your flesh is to reserve your body for your own use. God has your ultimate best i mind. Not only are you a temple, a sanctuary in which God has chosen to dwell, but you are set apart by Him and for Him. You are HIS! He purchased you and therefore you belong to Him--heart, mind, soul, *and* body. This is a *transforming* truth. HOWEVER (and this is a BIG however! LOL!), this truth REQUIRES THAT WE SUBMIT OUR WILL TO HIM!"

Yikes! Time to amp it up. I definitely need to. This isn't just about eating. This is about my reliance on the Savior.

Ever onward and out of Kindergarten! (erm...I hope!)

Well, duh! I just sent a note to the list saying I wasn't ready for this lesson and went to the book and realized I *am*! YAY!

I have to tell you ladies that while I have read the book many many times and even studied it with others before, I never had a heart that I could offer to God in surrender while doing it. This read feels fresh and new. I tell ya, that Day 5 was a breakthrough for me! The other times I had marked in the book or filled in the charts, it seems to have come to a screeching halt at Day 6...and why? Because I know I hadn't really been able to cope with Day 5! LOL! Praising God yet again!

I am floored at what a difference a change in heart has made for me as I read this stuff. :-) It makes it SO MUCH BETTER! LOL!

I guess it is because before, I didn't really *want* "anyone" messing with my food...after all, it was about the only vice I had left. I justified that it was MINE. Since God had disappointed ME, I would withold that from HIM. Whew! I am so glad that I have granted him access to this now. It makes it a MUCH different path than the one previously. Boy...

I see now, too, that I have some difficult choices to begin to make. I have been in kindergarten with this stuff...and now, well, God is calling me to REALLY evaluate prayerfully if what I am choosing to eat, while *permissible*...is it *beneficial?* I know the answer. It is time for me to press on and graduate out of kindergarten. I want something more than I want my peppermint ice cream. I want NOT to be mastered by anything but the Lord! CAN I say no to the things I have long loved? It is time for me to evaluate this honestly.

I hope to turn a corner here in my journey today...a corner where I make the difficult choices. I am free to eat what I want, yes, but I am also free to say NO to anything as well. I want to exercise my freedom FROM sweets and other foods I tend to want to "save room for" today...I want to be willing to deny my tastebuds what they crave and feed my body what it needs to work efficiently.

No, I won't return to legalism, but grace is grace so that I won't be in bondage to ANYthing.

I decided to try a slightly bigger font. Hope it is better for you.

Day 10 Building in the Present Moment

1. On page 95, the authors state, “Through His eyes, perceived failures become opportunities. He sees our need and, in His grace, responds by coming alongside us to meet that need.” Respond to this statement. Do you agree? Disagree? Why or why not? How have you seen this in your own life? How do you hope to see it in your own life?
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This is one of those statements that I agree with, but when it all actually happens, when I am staring failure in the face...I don't *live* like I believe it. I seem to wallow in the muck a bit longer than I should (at all! is longer than necessary!).

This time through, however, I don't seem to be camping on my failures. Praise the Lord! This is progress!

However, I know from my history, that I must be wary of *not* turning my back on the grace He longs to pour out on me.

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2. A quotation of Denis Waitley in the middle of the page states, “Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing and being nothing.” How does this thought relate to the idea of observation and correction that we have been applying?

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When I apply observation and correction, each and every "failure" becomes a means of learning and changing and growing.

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4. “Failure is not something we are. Failure is something we do.” Do you believe this? How might it affect you if you did?

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I choose to allow God to renew my mind according to His truth and this statement is clearly His truth!

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I highlighted a lot of stuff in today's reading. I will share some of those:

"He brings glorious wonder from what we think are defeats." (p. 94) I am seeing him do this very thing today. It is stunning and I am eager to tell you all about it when I have the freedom to do so! :-)

"Under grace we are free to turn to God as we really are, free to learn from our mistakes, free to change and grow, and free to allow Him to make us all he intends us to be." (94,95)

"Through His eyes, perceived failures become opportunities. He sees our need and, in His grace, responds by coming alongside us to meet that need." (p. 95)

"Failure is not something we are. Failure is something we do. When we take on the identify of 'a falure,' we begin to act more and more in keeping with that label. Labels can be debilitating. Instead we are to see ourselves as God see us. Then we will begin to act in accordance with what He has already declared to be true." (p. 96)

"We may believe we are failures when, in truth, we are God's saints by calling, who fail. There is a big difference. What we believe about ourselves has a tremendous impact on the way we live our lives. We need to believe about ourselves what God declares to be true." (p. 98)

I have more that I highlighted, but have to go. I am going on an early ride on Breezy. It has been a month since I did that. I am sure he will be glad that I have released the weight I have! LOL! (Breezy is my oldest horse and a tad bit crotchety, but very very willing...I could just hear him saying, "Good for you, kid. Now THAT is a START. Get going with the rest of it!" LOL!)

I am choosing to break free of the identity of "failure" as even today God is showing me that he glorifies Himself any way He chooses! Whoever posted that Queen Esther verse for me earlier this week...LOL...as crazy as it sounds, you really encouraged me!!!!! THANK YOU!

Day Nine Overcoming Obstacles to Restoration: Part 2

1. On page 87 we read, “Are we minimizing the pain and suffering of life itself? Not at all. We merely emphasize the fact that our current suffering isn’t the only truth upon which to focus. It isn’t even the primary truth. What our sovereign God has purposed in Heaven is more real than what we can see.” Respond to this. Do you agree? Disagree? Why or why not?

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I highlighted this part of the book. Right now, the statement stands as profound and new, even though it certainly isn't. My current suffering isn't the only truth and isn't even the *primary* truth. If I could just get a grip on this, I believe any rebellion that I tend towards or attitude or negativity...wow...it would dissipate.

Life is about so much more than what I can see or think or feel or do. God is at work in a BIG story. He invites me to participate, but I don't have a clue what is really going on. Right now, I see as through a lens dimly....

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2. At the bottom of page 87 we read “God uses each and every tear we have shed and every pain we have experienced to form and mold our character, to strengthen us, and to draw us closer to His heart. He wants us to experience His strength and sufficiency. He uses affliction to cause us to see our need for Him and our struggles with food, eating, and our bodies to send us to Him, to look for His solution. In our weakness, He is made strong. He uses even this personal battle you are experiencing and He will redeem it for His glory.” Respond to this. Do you agree? Disagree? Why or why not? How have you seen this played out in your life, assuming you have? How do you hope to see it in your life?

---

I still wait for the biggest trial in my life to truly be redeemed for God's glory. I must believe in faith. I know I have seen it with other things...but I guess I am a skeptic. I don't want to be. I pray that God will help me to have a tender heart...enough so that I wait on Him and His timing for what He has in store.

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Through the night when I woke up and when I woke up this morning, the song "God is God" by Stephen Curtis Chapman kept going through my head. Simply, the line that says "God is God and I am not." God occasionally gives me "gifts" of songs going through my head like this...typically it is His way of speaking clearly to me. Today, again, the timing was clearly from Him as I read on page 87 "We can't begin to fathom the ways of God. His ways are not out ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. There is no way to prove that He is justified in what He does. The fact of the matter is God is God. He needs no justification."

I guess He really wants me to get it. I am touched at the loving way He is communicating it to me.

Day Eight Overcoming Obstacles to Restoration: Part 1

2. Further down page 76 we read about Asa’s choices a bit later, however. “Asa somehow thought that God’s help wasn’t enough. He forgot that God would provide him with everything he needed as He had done before. Asa sold out. He disregarded God and defiled His temple. In that moment of terror he believed the lie that his kingdom would be overtaken. This belief was at odds with deeper beliefs and values he previously had held.” Have you experienced this discrepancy or contradiction in your own life?
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Oh yes. I can relate to this for sure. There are some subtle "unworkable beliefs" that have crept into my life over the years that weren't a part of my working through this material before. I am thankful that God has exposed some and fully trust that he will continue to do so.

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3. Asa’s fear affected him, causing him to make a costly decision. (See page 77, 78.) How does fear affect you at this stage of your journey?

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I still fear that I will totally walk away from this and that it will reflect so negatively on Thin Within and the Hallidays. It shouldn't of course. But it is almost like the pressure I feel *not* to walk away causes me to fear trying. It isn't as powerful an influence as in the past, fortunately, but I still feel it.

Fortunately, some very deep issues have been resolved and healed some since the last time I made my way through this material. I believe this is why *this* time *is* different. I laid down my anger toward God about Daniel. (Daniel is my son who is autistic. I have long been frustrated and angry with the Lord that he would pair us up...I had a difficult upbringing and didn't see a good example of parenting at all. Daniel has a truckload of needs as deep as the ocean. It has felt like God really "messed up" by giving this poor child ME as his mom. Of course, I have parented him in fear, assuming I knew what the future held and being angry at God that He would allow such things. But the future isn't mine to know. God has convicted my heart that I need to parent in present time and also that He totally understands my pain --he used a song by Mark Shultz to show me that...it has touched my heart and washed over me like a flood. I now bow my neck and say, "Yes, Lord, you do all things well...." HUGE step for me and it has radically transformed my TW journey...I witheld this aspect of my life out of resentment toward God before...it was subtle, but it was there....)

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4. Just a note: On page 78 you are asked to identify your beliefs about food, eating and your weight. It may be very difficult to identify them at this stage of the journey. Be patient with yourself in this exercise. Allow yourself to come back in the days to come and add any additional beliefs that you begin to recognize.

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This was illuminating for me. I realized that whether false or true, there are a lot of things that I believe that I hadn't identified outright before. It is good for me to see them in black and white! LOL!

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5. On page 78 there is a list of beliefs that some of the TW participants have shared. Which of those listed do you identify with?

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Well, nuts...of COURSE people should like me in spite of being overweight! I am not sure why this one is on the list. LOL! Anyone help me out here? LOL! I know that I can say it with an attitude....maybe that is the problem...the attitude.????

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6. On page 79 under the subheading “Present-Time Eating” you are asked, “In considering your beliefs, do you see any contradictions?” Journal your answer to this. It is a very deep question!

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YES! I found a new one yesterday! My kids are old enough now that I can leave them at home. As soon as I crossed the canyon (literally...we live on one side of a canyon and the other side is "civilization") I found myself thinking "I DESERVE _______________" (insert food of choice!). I wasn't hungry! Glad that I saw it before I acted on it!

Anyhow, it isn't truly a belief, I guess. But it IS fat machinery of some kind!

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Day Seven My Body, God’s Restoration Underway

As always, the timing of this day is perfect, reflecting God's hand. Yesterday feels like the first day since I began my return to applying TW (about a month ago) that I chose a series of behaviors that weren't in keeping with my goals. It was blatant and I confessed it as sin. I haven't felt like I am going to beat myself up about it, but it is good to have this material as God's gentle encouragement to me to be *sure* not to do so. I am observing and correcting and moving on now.

I want to share some things from the chapter that stood out to me.

From page 64 a quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald: "Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat." The authors go on to say "No defeat need be final." That is the difference for me before...I would lable myself and allow a defeat to be it...and throw in the towel. I feel no tendency to do that now and I am thankful. Again, it is evident that much healing has happened.

Another thought about this...how many of us, if we do something at 2pm that isn't "on program" write off the entire day and start the *next* day with a fresh start? The quote from Fitzgerald above encourages me that I don't need to let any defeat, even at 10am, be a final defeat for the day. I can have a fresh start at 10:01 if my defeat was at 10:00. So that is my plan as well.

At the bottom of page 64, this quote: "His or her life doesn't reflect an 'on again-off again' experience, as the cross of Christ is a stabilizing force." In this group, Kelly is a wonderful example of that for us all. I am so glad to get to know her. I hope that my life will be characterized by this same stability. This isn't just for 30 days...it is for life! :-)

Still on the topic of failure, at the top of page 65, "No 'failure' is beyond God's ability to redeem or His desire to make good. This person isn't perfect, by any means, but he or she moves forward trusting in God even after experiencing a setback." See how great a quote that is for me today? LOL! Our yacking about "failure" and here was this chapter today waiting for me! God is good! He orchestrates all things well!

A quote of a TW participant says "Learning from my failures helps me live in the present time and enjoy each and every day." Perfect encouragement to help us all move on...whatever came yesterday, an hour ago, a moment ago, is history. It isn't PRESENT TIME! :-)

I also love the imagery of "glorious ruins" on page 66. The point is made that "God longs to take your tribulation and redeem it for wondrous purposes." I, frankly, like that idea! The quote from Emerson is one of my favorites (page 67): "Up and onward for evermore. We cannot stay amid the ruins."
The insights I had from reading this chapter (over all) other than what I shared already is that God has sure accomplished a LOT in my life over the past 6 years since applying myself to these principles...the emotional eating isn't the huge issue for me it once was, though I am asking God to reveal any way in which I am currently blind to it now.

The other thing I realized is that the ONLY place I want to eat is at a table set aside for that. At this stage of my journey, I need to definitely do this (though I know it may not always be the case). Yesterday in the car we went through a drive through. I got something and realized afterwards that it was the first time I had done that in a long while...not sat down at a table to eat. Well, I wasn't paying attention to the food! I ate beyond 5...I could feel the difference and I didn't get to *enjoy* the food I had chosen because I was driving while consuming it! It didn't even occur to me at the time to go IN to eat it. Next time I will. Then I will be able to pay attention AND be near a trash can at the first sign I don't need any more.

The computer is off limits for ANY food item whatsoever, too. In the emotional eating exercise, I noted that as a pattern...if/when there *is* an emotion that I have gone to food over, I seem to couple that with the computer...So, no more.

Ever onward!

Day Six My Body, God’s Temple

2. “Fat Machinery” is introduced and defined in this day’s reading. What is fat machinery? (See page 58.) What are the four kinds of fat machinery? Do you recognize any of these patterns in your own life? If you feel comfortable doing so, share an example from your life. Someone else might learn from what you share!

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I have an old example to share. It is no longer current. As a kid growing up, my mother became quite abusive around meal time.

As an adult, whenever I went to her house I would inhale any and every snack possible...much of it when she wasn't looking (she would be in the other room with my kids).

When I was first doing Thin Within and working through the Fat Machinery material, I realized that this was an example of that. There was a lot of "Past Stories" going on and also it became a conditioned or habitual response.It was a combination of #1 and #3.

Another example of Fat Machinery came from my years of dieting. I lost 100 pounds with Weight Watchers and then plunged into the zone diet. I got very thin....and resumed the life of an athlete that I had known as a younger person, training for marathons and being quite involved in strength training. With the Zone Diet, I learned some things about my body that were legitimate, while at the same time became further in bondage to food and obsession with counting grams of fat, carbohydrates, and proteins. I may have looked thin, but my heart was heavier than ever.

Years later when I had weight to lose once again (an injury derailed my marathon training and the weight piled back on very quickly), I was applying myself to 0-5 eating. I noticed a subtle behavior I had adopted...it was that if I was feeling off just slightly in every way, even if I wasn't hungry, I "needed" protein. This wasn't true. Yes, I do best when I have protein at each meal, but if I attribute every bit of tiredness or headache to "needing" protein, I would be eating constantly...which I think was the point! LOL!

So for me, my previous experience dieting definitely brought some fat machinery into my 0-5 eating experience that I didn't recognize at first. It seemed "so healthy." It wasn't like I was justifying eating a candy bar, after all. :-)

Nevertheless, it was food my body did NOT need. God used this of course to teach me that when I *am* at a 0, I do best feeding that hunger with foods that my entire body responds well to...not just a "taste bud pleaser."

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3. Prayerfully evaluate the place the bathroom scale has in your life. If you are getting on it each day, please consider that it may have mastery over you. You may want to eliminate it for a while by putting it in storage. How do you feel about doing this?

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I think I need to put the scale in the garage for a bit. I do not want to return to being in bondage to it and I can see the tendency.
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All for now!
Heidi

Time for confessions...this is hard. Bear with me....yikes!

My name is Heidi Bylsma. (This sounds like something I would say at a 12 step group...). Well, I was...um...erm....I um....was the collaborator for the Thin Within book. (This really DOES sound like something I would say at a 12 step group! YIKES!)

I need to not hide this any more. See, I have felt such shame...that I would have such a wonderful opportunity. I was pretty fresh out of Weigh Down (July 2000), getting involved with studying the Thin Again book and then having such a great opportunity to get to know Judy and Arthur and even be accountable to Judy for what God was doing in my life. How many people get the chance to get inside the head of someone they deeply respect and admire and, in fact, write her words to the world? It was an incredible opportunity. Even my husband told me later he was surprised that I was throwing away such an opportunity by turning my back on what I knew was true.

Oh nuts...I get ahead of myself!

God was sooooo gracious to me then (and He is now!). He gave me all of that and I still walked away. I was on and off with Thin Within until I finally walked totally away about two years ago. Then, just about a month ago, he began a series of things (I am sure I don't even know what they all were) to draw me back...so here I am. But I felt afraid to tell anyone of my connection with the Hallidays and the writing of the book.

God convicted me today that this is shame remaining in my life. I don't want to allow that willingly! Please...no matter what I do, don't let it give you an impression of what Judy or Thin Within is like. Even if I fail, I know that TW is something that we can honor the Lord with! Judy and Arthur are amazing people.

I get ahead of myself AGAIN!

Back in 2001 Judy and Arthur needed a writer. They found me when I was writing devotionals on the internet for an email group to go along with our study of Thin Again (their other book...did I say that already?) at the time. Pam Sneed sent them samples of my writing and they emailed me and talked to me on the phone and then we met in person. God has such a sense of humor! He knew what a failure I would be and allowed me to be involved anyhow! It floors me! We had just thirty days!!! to write the manuscript for the Thin Within book because of a book contract....and the rest is history. :-D

I only share all of that because it gives a bit of a background to what I wanted to say really....and that God is doing something HUGE AND NEW!!!!!! Oops...getting ahead of myself (AGAIN AGAIN!)....

When we were editing the book, I worked through the material...trying hard to BE a reader...so that I could better know how to edit it. Judy was awesome. She took in all my suggestions and incorporated some. Day 5 caused me no end of trouble and always has...each time I have tried to cope with it. Shame just covered me, no matter what I did or how I processed it all.

In Day 5, there is the Mirror Mirror exercise. Even back then, I HATED it with a passion. In the first completed manuscript, we had written that you were supposed to be unclothed for the exercise. After forcing myself through this exercise the way it was written, I was a mess and felt like I had been violated! Sharing my heart with Judy, we changed the exercise to read as it does now...We took out the part about taking off your clothes for the activity. I just felt that maybe too many people could relate to the feelings I had...and gosh, even so, it was a hard activity to do five years ago. (We completed the manuscript in winter of 2001 and it was published in 2002.)

This morning, as I completed working through day 4 of the TW book, I eyed day 5 knowing that God's grace would have to get me through it. I knew I would put it off if I planned to just do it during tomorrow's quiet time. You know...something was bound to "come up." So I figured today when my kids (who I homeschool) were set up with their lessons, I would steal away some time to work through it.

What happened was nothing short of a miracle for me. Not only did I (we...God and me!) do it, but it was a peaceful activity. It was one done with not a drop of shame! PRAISE GOD! I believe this is a CRUCIAL corner for me to have turned!!! I was able to praise God for the way my body was made...each part...even the really flabby parts (which is all of it really...) and thank him for the way I had been able to use each part to serve God and others--even my tummy, which has stretch marks from being pregnant with the precious babies God has given me!

I was able to view myself without judgment, but assessing what each part feels like and looks like. It was simply stunning.

I had to tell you all...this is a huge breakthrough for me. You probably think I am nutsoid...I suppose I am.

I only tell you that other junk because I hope it gives context. I am a colossal failure with a capital F. After all God has given me...the way He orchestrated Divine Hand Holding for me through the material with the Hallidays, you would think I would have had a clue soooooo much sooner.

It took FIVE YEARS to get through DAY 5!!!!!!!!!

But WE DID IT!!!!

YIPPPEEE! I am FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looney in the Lord,
Heidi

Just completed Day Four so thought I would share any thoughts.. I have to keep my momentum going!

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1. On page 36: “Although our wandering disrupts our fellowship with [God], the breech in intimacy need not last long. Thankfully God has provided for our waywardness on our Thin Within journey with the tool we call “observation and correction.” For many of us applying this principle is almost impossible. Take note of the two reactions to a perceived failure. Our society and many of the teachings we have been exposed to tell us that this is NOT something we can do. Is it hard for you to allow yourself to view your mistakes dispassionately? Why?
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Typically, I do struggle with this. This time, though, God has done a work in my heart or something. I really do feel dispassionate in the observation stage. When I see what I have done as sin, however, there is conviction...and it saddens my heart to know I have chosen to step off the path that God has. But I don't beat myself up for being there. That is the good part. I have godly sorry and conviction (or I think so, anyhow! LOL!) Then I can just choose to do differently. It is so easy I almost miss it, I think. I have this tendency out of the past to feel like if I sin or go astray then I have to punish myself. God's grace is too good for me or something. (It isn't about how GOOD I am, of course!). In the past, I felt I had to chastise myself since God was standing there with arms open.

Now, thankfully, I am just so eager and willing to fall into those arms again. It makes this journey more stable, just as the chapter speaks of. It isn't filled with extremes. It isn't a roller coaster.

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5. How can you identify with the Path of My Performance?

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Spouting off my mouth all over the internet can become a defect for me...it can become a means to getting back on the path of my performance. I have to walk carefully. I want to commit to chronicling this journey, to participating no matter how things are going so that it isn't something I only do on one end of a pendulum swing. For now, I think I am ok with it...but if I have a day or two of going "off program" I hope I will continue to be just as obnoxious here. :-) If not, then that is a a clear indication that I am doing the club of condemnation thing, beating myself back into my hole.

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I have been posting thoughts as I study the book, Thin Within © Arthur and Judy Halliday 2002 on the thin_within_support@yahoogroups.com email list. I thought I would go ahead and post those here.

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From Day 1

"Today's focus is on the Love God has for us. Please, please evaluate the material you studied.prayerfully ask the Lord to show you if you BELIEVE it. So many of us believe God's love is based on our performance. We must allow God to expose where we have believed a lie and shine His TRUTH into those places. We will see that God chose to love us before the foundation of the world, knowing that we would sin."

---If I really walked in this belief...lived as thought I believed it, I think it would turn my life upside down! Yes, I believe it with my mind. But the way I strive for approval from men, indicates to me that I am not really embracing the TRUTH about God's amazing grace and His unconditional love. Do I really GET IT? :-/

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2. On page 3 the statement "He wants to impress deeply into the soft clay of your heart His unfathomable love for you. This love is not based on your performance." Do you believe that? Ask God to show you His truth and to enable you to believe it. Look up the verse 1 Corinthians 8:8 and prayerfully consider it.

----This verse says: "But food does not bring us near to God; we are no worse if we do not eat, and no better if we do."I know that God loves me no matter what. I want to relish that in my experience, but more, I DO want to perform, to live, to make choices, that indicate that I embrace His lavish love. I know that I can't cause Him to love me any more or any less. He chose to love me while I was yet a sinner, sending Christ to die. Ephesians 1 tells me that He chose me to be in Christ before the foundations of the world...He knew all my failings and short comings. He knew the struggles I would have, yet He chooses me any how.Yes, I believe that the food I eat, whatever amount, whatever type...has no bearing on His love.

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4. At the top of page 6, "Julia" shares her testimony. If you feel led, respond to this testimony.

---Julia's story is my own, having been in WDW for a long while and leading groups. Thin Within is very different. It accurately reflects God is a God of grace, not a "boss" who is interviewing me for heaven! PRAISE GOD! Getting into Heaven has NOTHING to do with if I eat or drink!

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From Day Two

5. On page 19, Psalm 25:8 from the New Living Translation is quoted. "The Lord is good and does what is right; he shows the proper path to those who go astray." Comment on this verse relative to your experience and relative to what may be ahead.

----God has been so kind and gentle...compassionate and gracious to me while I have wandered away from Him. As I said before, long ago...LOL...I am the poster child for God's grace! LOL! Truly.God used such an unlikely source to draw me back to this path after I wandered long and far. I have been releasing weight again, but more...I feel like He has changed me drastically. I hate to say that...I fear hoping that He has worked such a mighty change. It is almost like a deliverance.Yet I know I must plan in advance for the time when I feel that draw to food again...I must plan to suffer for the cause that Christ calls me to. He calls me to holiness and has said that indulging my lust for food beyond the parameters of hunger and satisfaction is outside of his will for me--is sin. Right now, today, this minute, it isn't a struggle. But at some point, it may be again (it is highly likely, in fact). I have to plan for that moment.

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7. At the bottom of page 19, the authors state, "Grace, abundant and so free, flows from the throne of God. It envelops our thirsty souls and brings wonder and amazement to our lives. Our God is gracious indeed." What does this have to do with anything?---Grace is not a license to not care. Instead, it stabilizes. I don't beat myself over the head when I am off track a bit. I also don't throw all cares to the wind. I allow God's grace to wash over every step. It is only by His grace that I even *care* about this journey at all.

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Day Three

2. Midway down page 28, the book states, "Our light-or more accurately, God's light in us-attracts others." Please note that we do NOT have to be thin to do this but so often we let our size brand us with shame.keeping us from being willing to step into what God desires for us. Is there any way in which you have allowed your size or appearance to keep you from doing what God created you to do?---Oh my yes. God has given me gifts that are ":up front" gifts. I won't use them. I am too ashamed to be up in front! Of course, this comes with the fact that I have actually been told by "the chief church lady" how sad it is that I have clearly lost the battle against controlling my struggle with eating. I was so floored when she said that. Now the enemy uses that at every turn. Her voice has become a million other voices of people who probably aren't even thinking that. So now I won't use my gifts up front. I really struggle with this. Even now, I am eager to have the weight gone in part for this reason.God doesn't want me to wait...yikes!

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This is all for now. Boy, have I gone on and on!

In case anyone gets encouragement from it, I don't use the Observation and Correction chart, the food log, or hunger graph...all that stuff. God hasn't given me the freedom to do it. Nor do I want to use those tools! LOL!

God leads everyone uniquely. Some feel led to use those things or do for a season or only use some of them....others of us, like me in this case, don't use them at all (I have in the past and it fueled my pride! I was too weak to handle it!).

So, as far as homework and charts go, if you don't want to use those, don't! It could be that isn't what God wants for you!

So if any of you are holding out doing the book study because you don't like the look of all the charts, you could just read the book and not worry about the stuff at the end of each chapter. Do what GOD leads! Submit to HIS hand! :-)

Think about it, ok?

:-)

Today is a perfect day to start, restart, continue where you left off....

Remember, three steps forward and two back...but then three forward again. :-)

Hi, everyone.

I have asked God to please clarify my hunger/satisfaction signals. They are muddied at times. In the past, I never had any problem with this. It seems odd that I am having difficulty with this now, when I am applying myself more wholeheartedly than ever to this approach and to giving God access completely. If you think of me, would you pray that I would know with clarity what my body is telling me, what God is telling me and that I would respond in humble obedience?

I am so tired of food being an idol. I have bowed down to it and worshipped it long enough. I really have. I have built my life around food, it seems. My choices with food have cost me so much and yet I continue to allow this, to welcome it.

Anyhow, to me, if I am carving into my life allowances for something that is destroying me the way my attachment to food has, then it simply is a god in my life. This is wrong. I mean, no duh.

God has really crystalized these thoughts for me recently. I mean really brought me to a place of brokenness about it and I ask that he keep me in that place. I don't want to go setting up "high places" again.

I know that God is in the business of redeeming ANYthing...so all the years the locusts have eaten...he will redeem those. I know this.

"The intimacy God wants to share with us increases as we release to Him our unmet needs and our expectations of others and ourselves. It occurs by degrees as we surrender our mind, emotions, and will to Him. It occurs in obedience to His will as we look to Him moment by moment for inspiration and accept His equipping and His empowerment. He intends that His grace should infuse every aspect of our lives." (page 131)

This made me think about how when the TW book was first coming out, I was fresh out of a very wounding Weigh Down experience. Words like "repentance" and "idol" and imagery of the promised land...all the things that GS used to teach...I disdained them. It was like many things that were good and pure and wonderful and TRUE from God's Word had been turned to poison in my mind because of my negative associations with them in WDW.

The bottom line is, it is God's kindness (his mercy and grace) that LEADS us to repentance!!!! When I have bowed my head at all to Him and agreed with Him that what I have been doing has not been working...and choose to turn a corner with my behavior...it is because HE has wooed me with his kindness! This is scripture. If someone has taken truths of scripture and used them to put shackles on others, it still doesn't mean the scripture is not valuable. It is still God's Word!

So words like repentance, obedience and the like...they are returning now to my vocabulary with regard to my food issues....probably for the first time since mid 2000! I confess this to you my sisters. Do any of you feel like I have? Like we can't speak the truth about our choices because we have a bad taste in our mouth from WDW or some other teaching? We need to expose this...it is Satan's ploy to keep us from inviting the Lord access to this area of our lives where we need his touch so desperately!

The book says it well at the bottom of page 131, yet still gently: "We've learned the hard way that living in the flesh doesn't work. Now that we have accepted our freedom, we must begin to develop discernment and choose whether to serve the flesh or live the Spirit-led life."

While it was for freedom that Christ set us free, we have also been told in Scripture that we must live godly lives in Christ Jesus. This same grace that brings salvation teaches us to say NO to ungodliness in any form...including greed!

As of today, I commit to speaking the truth. Ladies, my fixation on food, unwillingness to relinquish whatever it may be...it is SIN!!!!! Why am I clinging to anything so tightly, I wonder? What am I afraid of?


The most powerful thing that came home to me in Day 14 in the book was to realize that what I believe affects my actions. This is a no brainer. When I was a marathon runner, I acted like a marathon runner. When I have assumed the identity of "fat lady" I have acted like a fat lady. YUCK! I want to think of myself as a saint saved by grace, meant to fly on wings of an eagle! I just bet that will change a bunch of stuff! :-)

I have the Holy Spirit living in me...I am now *capable* of making holy choices. I am free to choose HOLINESS. I can offer the parts of my body to God as instruments of RIGHTEOUSNESS!

Have to run.
Have a great day!
Heidi