Ok, I may LOVE the B.E.S.T Step Workout DVD by Patrick somebodyorother, but I clearly have NO clue just how UNFIT I am! I have GOT to cut myself some slack....I have been doing Dance Praise for a while now...but this video is too huge of a leap, I guess, from that. It is an advanced choreographed step bench workout. I love it. It is a blast...I don't use any risers on my step, but I guess I need to not even use a step! I about passed out tonight...I actually scared myself and my head felt like someone had it in a vise and was putting the screws to it.
I have to evaluate what has me continue to do this when I do NOT have to! I love the dance steps...but....sigh...I wonder if it isn't pride once again, rearing its head. I want to be able to do that video start to finish! Not only do I want to learn the fancy dancy steps, but I want to be cardiovascularly fit enough to accomplish this. Truth is...I am NOT yet!
Hellooooo McFly!!!! LOL!
Maybe I will pull out one of the other tapes or DVDs. I just hoped to do something totally new so I wouldn't have negative associations...you know from the obsessive days....
Lord...what would YOU have me do?
Oh, Lord....this is raw...coming from my heart with tears streaming down my face. Why did you see fit in your grace to call me in 2000 to come alongside Judy and Arthur and have the unsurpassed privilege of putting words to all their wisdom...why did *I* get called to help to write the book, Thin Within??????? What an amazing sense of humor you have, Lord! It makes me laugh and cry all at once!
Judy has sent me letters that people have been sending her...even now, 5 years after the book was published....telling her their stories...and another COMPLETE testimony being prepared for the TW Thin Line Magazine has come to me...it is all about you working MIRACLES through the words that you chose to be put in the Thin Within book.
Lord, tears of absolute joy, humility, awe...stream down my face. Why are you so kind to let me participate? This is amazing Lord. Not only are you doing a new thing in my life, but you are in countless others. Oh Lord! And to think I have been invited to continue to partner with Judy and Pam...and...well, Lord...how can I thank you?
Thank you for this joy....thank you for this calling. Thank you for this privilege. Help me, Oh LORD!...I want to live as one who is called...I want to live what you have already attributed to me...such amazing esteem...you truly treat me as your treasure....and so often I snub you. This morning as I read Amos, I was floored at the continued references to your overtures to Israel...falling on empty unresponsive hearts. Lord let me not be an unresponsive heart.
Thank you for this privilege...all of these privilegeS!!!!
Oh, God, my heart can hardly contain....I bow in adoration....why, Lord????
God used brownies last night to show me that I am still lacking in being prayerful. What is UP with that? I know what is UP...it is PRIDE. No matter how much I declare it, that just isn't enough to make it go away. It is like looking out in the forest and saying, "Yup...there are rattle snakes out there...they could bite my horses." But if I just stand up here and don't go down and root them out...well, the danger remains.
So, too, with my acknowledging that pride is present. I seem to be good at pointing it out and saying "Lookee thar! That thar pride will wreak havoc if I don't get RID of it" and the I stand back PROUD of myself for declaring it....uh...what is WRONG with this picture???? :-/
Well, I have to DO something about it. Like HUMBLE myself. That is where the rubber meets the road.
Before, during, after meals...I want to invite God into each moment. In the book this is referred to as practicing the presence of God. I want to return to that prayerful spirit that I have known before. I have to think that practicing pride has kept this humble way of living far from me.
I must get practical...foster a prayerful life...
So, I had a tiny square of brownie, but did I invite God into it? Nope. I did the "diet mentality" thing...."I wasn't even at a 5 when I stopped eating at dinner, so I can justify having this brownie...it is, after all, just a fragment of my past indulgence!" BAH!
I could have invited God INTO this moment with the brownie and He may have given His total approval about it all! It isn't even about Him saying NO to food I want as I generally am willing to remain within the parameters he has set for me (generally...usually...not always....)! It is STILL about being HUMBLE before Him! It isn't about the food. It is about the relationship....and that continues to be a weakness for me. I don't foster it.
I did the mechanical 0 to 5 eating for so long that it comes so...ermm..."naturally" to me! Well, I am called to live beyond "natural!" To live "supernaturally!"
Lord, make it so!
January is ending on an amazingly high note with my 14 year old autistic son coming to me last night repentant and broken hearted...confessing all his sins! He shared them with me and then prayed with me to the Lord, begging the Lord's help. He wants to meet with our pastor! He has been carrying a load for 9 years as he has been arrogant, angry, prideful...(gosh, a lot like his Mom!). Last night, he came out of his room in tears, climbed into my lap and wept...telling me of all the things he wants to do to live for the Lord. And here I wondered if he was even saved....wow. God certainly IS doing a new thing!
My resentment toward God about my son was a HUGE roadblock to me in ever really giving God my heart in the area of food and eating in past years. I could mechanically apply the principles of 0 to 5 eating (like a diet), but it was hollow. It wasn't about loving the Lord more than food. It was about "what would people say if they saw me and knew of my connection with TW?" See? Pride! Bleah! And my disappointment with God was rooted in pride...but He really touched me powerfully in November and December that I was parenting in fear...that he knows my heart and understands how broken hearted I have been about Daniel. I feel like what I got to experience with Daniel last night was a HUGE SUPERNATURAL HUG from GOD!!! THANK YOU LORD!!!!!!
I reported at the end of 2006 that God had removed a bit over 20 pounds since early November. I don't really know what the timeline is in all of this (one drawback of NOT writing stuff down or using charts), but as of moments ago, the scale indicated that God has released 35 pounds from me. Now instead of weighing 200-and-some, I weigh 100-and-plenty! LOL! YAY, GOD! No, I haven't released 15 pounds this month, so I don't know where the timeline really fits, but no matter...I will take it. Praising God! I am on my way to reaching my God-given size by May as I had hoped. Praising God...this IS a miracle!
Other goals that I reported having for 2007 are on their way...the exercising is going really well. I bought an advanced step DVD...one that I would have LOVED back during my fitness craze. It is way beyond me right now, but I am having fun playing with it anyhow! LOL! That and Dance Praise. Having so much fun with activity again sure makes it...well...FUN!
With the nice weather here in California, I am feeding my horses all over our steep hillside, carting their hay around and spreading it so they move while eating (like horses in the wild might). This is not only good for *their* health, but it gives me a mini- workout three times a day... and I can sure feel the difference in not having those 35 pounds when I go up and down that hill! LOL!
God has made me continue to beg him to remove pride where it rears its ugly head...it seems almost constantly...it is devastating on the one hand and wonderful on the other....I want to exalt HIM!!!
Another surprise blessing from the Lord is the writing I am getting to do again for Thin Within. What a blessing. It is amazing to me how God has orchestrated all of this. He has brought me back to Thin Within at the time when the company was changing hands (the Hallidays now own it!) and there is a need for help with the writing again...oh God IS good! I couldn't say that a year ago...I was too myopic....but He has faithfully revealed His goodness! THANK YOU LORD!
I welcome prayers for my precious Daniel ...the enemy will want to snatch the seeds that God has seen fit to germinate...Daniel wants to share Christ with others...he has so many hurdles to cope with to do so...I just want what God wants for him. He has NEVER been this repentant over his sin before...I am just in awe of God's timing for this...it boggles my mind.
Some of my other goals....Harley, my horse, is going to training in April with a wonderful trainer! Daisy, our rescued golden retriever, is in agility classes and we are having fun with that, though I may have to give that up after February due to expense.
One other goal I verbalized....I still haven't made much effort to develop three of my friendships....and that is something I must give myself to during February. I have spoken with one friend about connecting again...and I need to with the other two. So this goal has been waylayed....
Anyhow, I am praising God for all He is doing.
So much more ahead, though!
Wow...
There was something buried in my pastor's message yesterday. It was almost incidental because his message wasn't on this at all...not even on addiction, but more on angels...the passage was Hebrews 1: 5-14. The message was great, but this little zapper was hiding in it all.
He said something along the lines of how as Christians, we so often view our job as merely *avoiding* sin. Then we continue to looking longingly at what we *wish* we could do...that thing we are *avoiding*--that sin. We may abstain from it, but we long for it. He pointed out that to be Christ-like we will not just *avoid* sin...we will *hate* sin.
Using my own application, it isn't just about how "Whew, I have eaten fairly consistently 0-5 for the past 3 months and have lived to tell about it!" But it is more about the attitude of "I will eat 0 - 5 for the rest of my life and never look back! I will LOVE it!"Romans 12: 9 says "Hate what is evil; cling to what is good."
Sin is evil. Am I *hating* sin? Or am I longing to be able to do it and just "disciplining" myself not to?
Whoo...this is a whole new level for me...I am no where close to there.
Heidi
(Suddenly, Pam's prayer request is making more and more sense...to have JOY in it!)
Hi, dear Reader. If you are anything like me, you have found that following eating 0-5 (between hunger and satisfaction) isn't always "easy." Sure, there may be a honeymoon period of sorts...but then reality sets in.
The question popped into my head to ask directly..."What is really holding you back? What is *really* holding you back?"
This question is for anyone who may visit this blog who continues to "struggle" with responding to the Lord's prompts to not eat yet or to stop eating or...well, any prompt from God to do or not do anything at all.
For years, I "played" at this. Pathetic really, given all God did to surround me with the most amazing support system. How many people have Judy Halliday as their accountability partner? God knew I was such a hard case that I needed that sort of accountability.
Well, I was tougher even than that....It has been years....years and years of mechanically doing the 0 to 5 thing on and off...releasing the weight only to grab a hold of it again...and always always...there was something REALLY holding me back.
The more I did this, it was like the harder my heart became.
Truth is, I was meant to fly on wings of eagles. I was meant to soar. I was never meant to stay in captivity...be it in a chicken coop, a cage, or a self-imposed prison of fat. I was meant to FLY free! God created me for it! (And YOU TOO, Reader! :-))
For me, when someone got in my face and said "What is really holding you back..." I knew it was God asking me that. I couldn't blame it on much of anything any more...it was ME...I had something going on in ME...and I had to choose. It was that simple. Would I DEAL with it? Or keep shoving it aside..."Later...we will cope with that later...."
God helped that wall be destroyed this past November/December.But even now...I see my temptation to rebuild that wall that was holding me back...Even though God has exposed what I allowed to hold me back...even though he has reached out to me with such amazing compassion...even though he has again told me He has called me to ministry in this area specifically...even though 30 pounds (and counting) have been released and I can sense that freedom...I can taste the sky for the first time....I STILL see I am drawn like a dog to my vomit. It baffles me.
(Please note, I have been thin and fit before, but I was NOT *free*...I don't care about the weight...I care about the freedom. I just know that the weight will leave as I live in the freedom that Christ purchased with His blood....)
Daily...if not more frequently...I have to allow Him to remind me...that what REALLY holds me back...what He showed me...must be laid down, offered to Him. It hurts...it really does--no, that minimizes it. It is EXCRUCIATING! But I know apart from that letting go, I will never do what I was created to do. Never.
I guess it is like Paul who said "I die daily." Good grief...it hurts to die, doesn't it? This isn't just daily, either....bah...
Even now...in this moment, I can see that the barrier has like the first layer of bricks to it again...I have been rebuilding it. What EVER for?!?!?
I have allowed reconstruction of the barrier to begin again...I must beg God to help me have the strength to tear it down and keep it down.
I want NOTHING to hold me back. I want to run the race with perseverance. I want to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of my faith who, for the joy set before Him (which was fellowship with all of us...we would be set free from sin to be holy in His sight!), endured the CROSS, for goodness sake! HE endured the CROSS! And I whine and moan about enduring so much less....The writer of Hebrews goes on to say "You have not yet suffered to the point of shedding your blood." Boy, isn't that the truth. I won't come close to suffering that much, but I sure whine like I am!
What is really holding you back, Reader? Tough question to answer...at least for me....If I weren't such a sinful, prideful creature, maybe it wouldn't be! LOL!
The exercises for today in the TW workbook, brought conviction...the exercises asked us to look in a Thesaurus for synonyms for "Sovereign" so I did. Here is what I came up with at http://www.thesaurus.com
absolute, ascendant, autonomous, chief, commanding, directing, effective, effectual, efficacious, excellent, guiding, highest, imperial, independent, kinglike, kingly, loftiest, majestic, master, monarchal, monarchial, overbearing, paramount, predominant, predominate, preponderant, prevalent, principal, queenly, regal, regnant, reigning, royal, ruling, self-governed, supreme, unlimited
Upon completing my reading through this list, I had to ask myself...or rather, the Holy Spirit prompted me to prayerfully evaluate, using some of the words that were most fitting...
Do I allow God to be...
...absolute in my life?
...ascendant in my life?
...chief in my life?
...commanding in my life?
...directing in my life?
...effective in my life? (This one really brings conviction...is my minimizing of his rule in any way, making him appear less effective than He is? It seems like it might sort of be the opposite of "magnifying" God...)
...excellent in my life?
...HIGHEST in my life?
...imperial in my life?
...loftiest in my life?
...majestic in my life?
...master in my life?
...paramount in my life?
...predominant in my life?
...prevalent in my life?
...reigning in my life?
...royal in my life?
...ruling in my life?
...supreme in my life?
...unlimited in my life?
Gosh, I don't know about others of you, but there is room for growth for me. Not only that, but we don't even have to look at my *entire* life to see the need for growth! Just in the area of giving my food and eating to Him there is still room for tremendous growth, obviously. Boy...this has really challenged me.
Psalm 73:28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.
Hi, everyone. Something soooooo interesting to me has occurred to me, so I simply must share.
Prior to being involved with Thin Within, I had a year of involvement with a popular weightloss program and then another one...and lost 110 pounds and with all the compulsive working out I did, including training for marathons and intense strength training, my bodyfat percent got to 14.5% which is pretty low for a lady my age at the time with two kids. I was thrilled, but I was in such intense captivity from eating that way and working out...and any time I didn't work out, I feared that I would gain. I truly exercised to lose weight. My husband calls those days my "bulimic" period as I would eat and then "purge" by exercising all the more. Some days, even when I wasn't doing a long training run (which could be 18 miles long or longer, as Ellie and others probably know), I would still workout two times or for 3 or 4 hours! Captivity!
In November a few months ago, I began to try to add intentional exercise back into my life. Mind you, it has been over 10 years now since I have done the marathon thing and the body building (which was really what I was doing, if I can be honest...). Recently, a thought occurred to me...it was like God shone His light on a thought that may have been there since November that I just didn't identify as NOT being from Christ! It was FEAR that "Oh no! If I don't have time for my workout, I will gain weight!"
It hit me like a lightening bolt that I had this thought that was totally, 100% a lie!
I was able to say to God, "What IS this? What do I DO with it?"
I have been carving into my life time for exercise now because I am enjoying it so much. I never want to return to compulsively exercising again. I have always loved being active--even when I did all of that 10 years ago, but I distinctly remember that it had begun to be motivated by fear...
Anyhow, God's Holy Spirit quietly but definitively told me, "Don't worry, Child. If you don't have time to exercise, your body will just cue you that you need less food less often."
Well, DUH! When I exercise, I find 0 much more frequently! When I don't, the only difference for me in the day really is that I won't get to zero as fast! So just don't eat...until...zero! DUH! LOL!
0 to 5 eating works!
Days when I am inactive for other reasons (rain or injury or sickness...) it stands to reason...eat when I am at 0 and my body will get what it needs when it needs it. Stop when no longer hungry and presto...
It makes me think of when I was eating 0 to 5 in the year 2000. I had released weight (as I always do with this approach...why I ever walk away from it is beyond me...) and had a NASTY roller blading accident where I dislocated my ankle and broke my leg. I was laid up BUT GOOD for months...truly. I continued to release weight even though I was inactive. All because God made my body reliable and He continued to tell me when to eat and when to stop and enabled me to Just Do it!
Anyhow, I had to share with you all that I was SO relieved to realize this again in a VERY REAL way....what relief came over me! I don't *have* to worry that my life has grown dependent on exercise like I allowed it to before. YAY!
Heidi
I forgot to post this morning that I hit a milestone. I weigh on Sunday mornings. So today when I weighed in I was thrilled to see progress downward!
I won't say what that milestone is, as my pride just won't let me tell the world my current weight...but I am THRILLED!
This week of really trying to refine listening and heeding what God was trying to tell me about hunger and satisfaction really paid off. I have officially released the 5 pounds I so desperately wanted to.
Affter posting about what to do if we aren't seeing the scale go down, *I* wasn't seeing the scale go down. I am so thankful that I took on the task of really getting down to evaluating if I wasn't "cheating" about 0 and 5.
That makes a definite 30 lbs that have been released! YAY! God has done it...that is for sure.
I am thrilled.
Here is to the next 10, 20 or 30 if God so leads!
In Isaiah 43:19, which I am meditating on these days, there is this wonderful little sentence:
"See, I am doing a new thing!"
Followed by this: "Now it springs up."
The imagery that comes to my mind with the words "Now it springs up" is something sudden, unexpected and surprising!
I love this. Jesus has a HUGE grin on his own face. He holds my face in his loving hands with a great big smile and a laughing tone filled with love and compassion..."See? Heidi, are you LISTENING to me? What I am doing is nothing like you have ever seen before, child! I am doing something altogether fresh and new! Watch this! It will SPRING up and take you by surprise!"
The imagery of something springing up makes me laugh. Have you ever been to one of those water parks or Disneyland where they have the place where children (and brave adults) walk through the area that has holes in the ground with fountains that irregularly pop up and shoot water straight up? All of the laughter and joy that is there as people dodge in and out of the holes waiting to be "surprised" by the cool clear water springing up suddenly makes me think that this is the sort of delight that God fully expects I will get out of what He is about in my life even now.
Thank you, Lord! I giggle along with you!
Heidi
Someone, who I appreciate very much, shared privately that they were concerned about the way my post Thursday sounded...She felt what I shared might encourage anorexic behavior in folks who might not understand the difference between what Thin Within teaches and dangerous anorexic behavior.
Until Thursday, what I called satisfied was truly *more* than satisfied. I knew it. God knew it. But because I was releasing weight, I figured we would call it "good"--I was being "obedient enough." The fact is, I was still indulging my lusts for food. My heart was still connected to the food. What I am trying to do now (and what I wrote about yesterday) is tune in to the Lord more. I am trying to find out what is *want* and what is *need*. It is a lie if I call a *want* for food a *need* for food.
Thursday, I shared that it floored me to see how little food I need to be sustained. Yes, my focus was on what seemed to be a tiny amount of food...That focus revealed just where my heart was. The fact of it is...yes, that focus IS WRONG. Until yesterday, I hadn't realized how focused I remained on food!
The amount of food should ultimately NOT be my focus. The goal for me is learning to listen to the Lord (as He uses my body, which He created to be reliable), to tell me when I need food and when I don't...when to stop. Thursday, I admit, I *was* fixated on the amount of food because, quite frankly, I was startled...by the lie I had been believing!
However, this journey is NOT about eating less and less. If that is my focus, my friend would be right-- it would be behavior of an anorexic.
When I am hungry, I SHOULD eat, but when I am no longer hungry, I SHOULD stop. It isn't about the amount of food it takes to keep my body working. Of course, that is where MY focus was in my post yesterday because I want MORE food because I LIKE TO EAT!
I EAT when I am hungry. ALL OF US SHOULD! If we are "riding the zero" then we really have to evaluate if we are surrendering to God and trusting Him and the body He has given us. I believe 100% in eating when I get a hunger signal. "Riding the zero" can be as bad as a binge...refusing to trust God and give Him control. If we surrender, we heed the signals that our bodies give us...ordained, created by Him!
I believe that the behavior of eating *each* time a person is hungry doesn't fit the profile of anorexic. Especially if a person carries extra weight or, even, maintains a healthy weight.
I hope this helps clarify things a bit!
On Wednesday and yesterday, God led me to focus on not dwelling on the past, using our Isaiah 43:18-19 to challenge me not to dwell on past successes or failures be they from just a minute ago or 10 years ago.
Today, as I was working on memorizing the verse, I asked him what he wanted me to focus on...My thoughts went something like this:
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! ...."
Yes, thank you, Lord that you are doing a new thing. I have seen that this is true...definitely. (Can you hear the complacency, ho hum way I responded to Him?)
"See, I am doing a new thing! ...."
I SEE! I SEE! LOL! Lord, I guess I am dim, I think I see...what else am I missing? I get the impression that you want me to SEE!
"See, I am doing ...."
Thank you, Lord, that you are DOING. You aren't just sitting back watching, observing...you are DOING.
"See, I am ...."
Yes, Lord, I see that you are....
"See, I AM ...."
OH! LORD! You want me to see that in this journey, in all the things I am struggling with right now, you are *I* *AM*. You want me to SEE this as never before!
After over a week in another study of looking at scripture and Jesus' claim to be "I AM," the name for the One True God throughout scripture, and all that it means, God pointed out to me that this verse that He has led me to meditate on for years now (on and off) and since He restarted me in this TW journey in mid-November...well, this is what it boils down to...
Whatever the question...
Whatever the problem....
Whatever the need....
Whatever the *desire*....
God's answer is...simply, "I AM..."
It is no wonder that songs about God's sufficiency have been going through my head lately. It seems like the Lord wants me to have a plethora of bible verses, mediations, and words to songs mulling around in my mind about how He alone is truly my satisfaction...Most recently, a song on my Dance Praise (I do it for my exercise...it is wonderful and edifying and a TON of fun!)..."All I Need" by Bethany Dillon. I see that the Lord really wants me to learn this.
My skating along with "have I been obedient enough" has come to a halt. He is asking me point blank if I will lean on and in to Him and let Him be all I need, my Great I AM. Whatever I need, whatever I want...He is...I AM.
This is suffering. LOL! Ok, maybe not, but it sure seems close. Papa Murphy's pizza isn't even that good, but it is one of the few things that everyone in my family can eat and enjoy (somewhat). Hubby brought it home and I was at 0 for sure!!! But I KNEW I didn't have the freedom to eat even two skinny pieces...I only had the freedom to eat one. Sigh...and the crust from one of my son's pieces...given how hungry I was, the tiny miniscule morsel of pizza sure tasted good, even if it DID have too much sauce on it! :-D
But nuts! This sure isn't much food! I guess I really *can't* eat just for fun any more. See there? This really exposes the motives. I mean, I sure seem to want to do some aspect of eating for fun. No, I don't mean that God doesn't want me to enjoy eating according to godly parameters. I think He gets joy from seeing me delight in all the good things He has given us to enjoy. But I mean...there isn't much quantity wise or time wise when push comes to shove. You can only stretch out a tiny portion so long before it gets cold or something. Eating in a way that honors the Lord offers no room to justify "recreational eating."
Which makes sense. It is "recreational eating" that has created extra fat on my body and associated health problems (or potential problems). God knows best. I just find my will having a hard time (at times) going along with this!
It is amazing how little food my body needs to get by. Ok...so the Lord wants to be what gives me ultimate joy and satisfaction. I have practiced for years using food to give me joy....I mean...all the time, throughout the day (and night), even when not hungry. I see now that this attitude isn't going to go away quickly...I mean, God has changed my heart a lot, it is true...since I began this journey again in mid-November (when he kicked my bottom into it).
But I was coasting along while "cheating" it seems. The reality is, I could get by with eating more than I needed while cutting back a lot and release a lot of weight in the process. It was easy to pat myself on the back...boy, I didn't want to face reality. Reality, apparently, is...I still have a "thing" for food.
Bleah!
I want to be normal!
Nuts! I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where all of this is incidental and not worthy of blogging about! LOL!
Wow...today has been revelatory. I can tell I am being prayed for by my fellow online support group members.
This morning, I waited...really waited...for hunger--powerful hunger...a definite zero...then I served myself less than I normally do for breakfast. It wasn't until after 3pm when I was hungry again...powerful hungry, too. I knew God was telling me to make a smaller portion than I typically do for a meal of a particular thing that I enjoy eating (whole-body pleaser...sustains *and* tastes good). The portion that was small before was reduced by more than half. There was next to nothing on the plate. I wanted to gripe about it...a lot...but then realized, if I eat it slowly, it lasts just as long as twice as much....and I can see after that if I have followed the definition of 5 in the workbook "eat to the point of comfort"--if the hunger has been removed, basically. I could always make more to eat if I truly *need* more.
I can honestly say that I did that...hunger has *barely* (LOL!) been removed. I hope to arrive at a 0 when the family sits down to eat in a couple of hours, but I have to plan in advance to OBEY even if I am not yet hungry. And if I am REALLY hungry, I have to plan in advance to eat slowly and a TINY portion...now that I see it is taking so little to remove the discomfort of hunger.
The very cool thing is...and there has to be *something* good about this from my viewpoint, right? LOL! ...The scale doesn't have a pull on me at all today...for the first time in a while. I have been fighting something awful with myself about not weighing more than once a week. I didn't start this journey with this struggle...so it surprised me when it cropped up. It is like I knew I was blurring the lines of obedience and eating even a bit outside of what God was laying on my heart that I should, so I wanted to use the scale to justify that I was being "obedient enough." Today, having heeded his voice in my eating, I don't need the "approval" of the scale. There is *no* draw, no pull. I know that I have done the right thing because God testifies to that. How cool is that! LOL! It is definitely sufficient. My brain can rationally think through all the reasons that I know that the scale is unreliable and not a useful tool for me on this journey...Before, it was like I was short circuiting rational thinking!
I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I find it interesting how listening for the Lord's voice and obeying it has resulted in another thing I struggled with to lose its hold on me as well. At least for today.
I am excited to have joined Pam Sneed's online study group of the first quarter workbook. What a blessing! Pam is awesome! We had our first meeting on Monday night and God was definitely present! I have never seen anything like it in an online chat before. It was new to me. God really IS doing a new thing!
As I was reading the first lesson this morning in the Thin Within workbook, I thought that the way the definition of 5 was worded was very clear. Thought I would share it with you and hopefully it will help someone.
"When you are hungry and choose to eat only to a point of comfort, we call that a 5 on the Hunger Scale. It is when you have had 'just enough' and your body does not need more food. A 5 is not 'full' or 'stuffed.' It is 'satisfied.'" (page B-6 of Workbook Quarter 1 2004 edition)
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This is one reason why I personally feel uncomfortable when we talk about "hunger/fullness" as I know God doesn't want me to look for "How *full* can I be without being uncomfortable?" I think He wants me to find that place of what it will take to take away the hunger...where my body no longer *needs* food.
I have found that if I *do* go to that place, my body needs far less food than I can imagine. I guess this is where I really have to face the fact that I *want* to be hungry more often to justify eating...and it exposes my heart and the connection I continue to have to food for the sake of eating.
Often when I waffle about what I will call a 5, it is plainly because I don't *like* the truth.
Again, that may be me.
This week, I am finding a lot of sinful attitudes are being exposed in my life...things that I thought I was done with. It has been a hard week and it isn't even half over yet! LOL!
I love the verse, Isaiah 43:18-19 that says "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."
Today, God laid on my heart to apply myself to the first part of this verse: "Forget the former things." I must forget the previous failures...even if they came earlier today. Or the failures of yesterday or last year or 10 years ago. I must forget it all and allow God to create a TODAY with me. Not only that, but I need to not try to coast on previous "successes." The fact that God has removed 25 pounds from my body relatively quickly doesn't somehow win me an award for checking out now. It isn't an accolade. It isn't an award to hang on the wall and be proud of. I must forget the former things. Even NOW he is doing something new...a new NEW thing!
TODAY, I choose to forget the former things and not to dwell on the past.
I also choose to apply myself to this definition of 5 in a fresh new way...I will eat "only to a point of comfort" and see what God does. I know this means letting go of a lot of food. I seem to have a way of trying to eat as much as I can before I get uncomfortable. NOT ok. I must return to eating only until I am not hungry any more.
NEW DAY! New MOMENT! Thank you, God, for Do Overs!
Heidi
Another hurdle that I have had to (and have to) overcome is a sense that I can eat three meals a day. In the past, when I ate listening to my body's hunger/satisfied mechanism, I had a higher metabolism and got hungry many many times in a day. I could literally eat 4, 5 or 6 times between the 0-5 parameters and release weight.
This time around, I get hungry much less frequently. In fact...so infrequently, that I feel like the three meals "I am owed" in a day to enjoy food...well...even that often isn't necessarily legitimate. I am far from sedentary, but a lot of the muscle I once carried isn't there any more. This may change over time, of course...certain seasons I work much harder physically than others because of the horses and caring for them, the fences, throwing around hay bales and the like. But right now, today, I know that often, my body just doesn't need food as often as I *want* it to need food.
(Have you ever LUSTED for hunger? LOL!)
Here is the way it might happen for me... I wait wait wait for 0 in the morning when I get up. 11am rolls around and I am "not sure" if I am at a 0 yet. I "know" that my not being hungry for breakfast is ridiculous.
"Of course I am hungry!! I am ALWAYS hungry in the morning!"
I might even rationalize that even if I don't feel the definite cues of stomach hunger that I have learned are legitimate 0, that since it has been SO long since I have eaten I better eat or else I will get dizzy or a terrible headache. "After all...", I rationalize, "...I have virtually skipped breakfast." (For some people, the concern about dizziness and headaches may be legitimate...for ME it rarely is!)
I might use this train of thinking to go ahead and eat.
This ignores what my body is saying. If I eat at this point, how do I know when to quit, for instance? It all becomes a guessing game. (The diet mentality sneaks in here and says "About that much should be the 'right' amount." Once again, I have ignored my hunger mechanism.
Not only that, but I have claimed my right to do with my body as I please. God has convicted me that this is my pride again...I want to do what I want when I want...period:
"Lord! I should be able to enjoy at *least* three meals a day! They *are* small meals, after all! Will you take them away from me too?" (I can almost hear the serpent as with Eve in the garden, whispering to me about how God is holding out on me and how "mean" he is to deny me my rights....bleah)
When I really analyze this, I realize I feel this way for one reason, simply:
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I do NOT want to give up food.
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"Normal people..." (I again rationalize) "...eat three meals a day. My meals are so small. Of course I can still eat three meals a day!"
Truth is, if I really want to grow in my walk with the Lord, listening and responding to what He tells me is the key. Some days he may tell me I don't need breakfast (or dinner...whatever!).
And please don't misunderstand what I am saying. I am not saying that if I am hungry and I KNOW I am hungry I should bypass hunger and skip a meal to release weight. Nope. God has convicted me that, unless He lays a spiritual concern on my heart to fast and pray over, skipping hunger for any other reason is dishonoring him as well (until he tells me otherwise).
But I know I have said it and I have heard others say it...that we assume we will eat three meals a day...plain and simple. We seem to think of it as a part of being human or something--like taxes, brushing our teeth and other "necessities"...or at least I have in the past and I hope to get over this. I almost think of it as a "divine right." In fact, a part of me looks at God cross-eyed and says, "Don't be messing with my three meals a day, Lord!"
When I am most active, I might legitimately need to eat a bit more frequently. My body is reliable, though, and will signal the need for nourishment. Generally, though, I seem to be in the habit of thinking that if I rule out all snacking then that means I have been "good." But my attitude is such that I act like three meals is something I am entitled to.
This sidelines listening to the Lord and to my hunger/satisfied mechanism.
I want to be done with this sort of thinking...
Something that God has worked with me on is related to some of the disappointments some have shared recently with not releasing more weight. This is still coming home to me, though, I must admit. I continue to be slow to learn.
In my case, when I don't release weight, first I have to ask the Lord, honestly, if I am submitting to his will. This goes beyond this notion of 0-5 eating for me. I can *fake* 0-5 eating pretty well. You know what I mean? I can rationalize things...I have found that a subtle "dieting mentality" comes in and "helps" me with this...it will casually do an estimation of calories and whatever and say "See? I have 'suffered' and so I should release weight."
But the reality God is trying to bring home to me is, the Lord wants me to love HIM more than I love food. No, it doesn't mean He doesn't find joy in my enjoying food, but delighting in food more than Him...well, that is a problem. He has laid on my heart that He has given me parameters within which eating food is to be enjoyed. It is like sexual intimacy...there are certain parameters. Within those parameters, it gives God joy for me to enjoy intimacy, which He created. I believe He delights in my enjoyment of food within godly parameters as well. Outside of the parameters of marriage, "sex" is indulging my fleshly lusts and is sin...Outside the parameters of my body calling for food, eating is indulging a fleshly lust and is sin. Or that is how He has broken it down for me. I need it made really simple! LOL!
It helps me to ask WHY am I eating right now? Am I eating because I am hungry and my body needs nourishment? Am I eating because I simply want to enjoy the taste (which is so fleeting!)? God has laid it on my heart to enjoy the taste of food (YES!), but only when my body needs nourishment. How perfect is that? :-) I can oooh and aaah about the incredible flavor of cheese enchiladas all I want when I am hungry! YIPPEEE! I get hungry pretty routinely! There will be loads of opportunities in my life to enjoy enchiladas with a totally pure conscience, eating them because my body needs sustenance! Why do I want to mess with that?
When I don't release weight, I have to honestly evaluate if I have been truly loving eating beyond the parameters God has for me. Am I living like my body is my own to do with as I please?
For me, it comes down to that.
Sometimes, when I am not releasing weight, this is as far as I need to go to have my answer as to why.
BUT...and this is a big BUT...sometimes this is where it gets pretty tough. (As if dealing with brutal honesty over my love of my sin isn't hard enough...) If I really truly think that I have been living for the Lord and He seems to confirm this through His Spirit, if I have been heeding His voice pretty diligently, and I am *still* not releasing weight (and this has happened before), then He has shown me to ask Him what He would have me be in this moment. How does *He* desire that I responsd? This can be so eye-opening for me. Almost every single time, He has asked me "Heidi, am I enough? Am *I* your very great reward? Or do you love losing weight or being thin more than you love knowing I am pleased with the choices you have been making?"
The answers to these questions really do a lot to expose my motivations. I have found that the Lord sometimes wants to purify my motives and can do this by restricting the movement of the scale for a season...I lived a long time losing weight with praise of men being my motivation. I love verbal accolades. I know for a fact that now the Lord wants me to love Him more than that (He always has).
Additionally, during one of these little struggles with not seeing the scale go down, God laid on my heart that I had a bit of an attitude...if *I* did *my* part, I reasoned, He would do *His* part and see to it that weight would come off. After all, wasn't that what this was about? In essence I had a truckload of subtle, but insidious, pride going on there. I got disappointed with *God* when I didn't see the scale doing what it "should" be doing. I was holding up my end of the bargain...now what about Him holding up His? This led to my throwing in the towel often enough. I got frustrated with God. I told you I was the Queen of Pride!
I hate that I like seeing the numbers go down on the scale better than delighting the Lord with submitting my will to Him in each moment. This time around, my journey is about learning to love Him more--no matter what happens. I am daring myself to get rid of my scale, in fact. I don't have the courage yet. I know if I seek to put pride to death and live for the Lord, the weight will leave my body! I am just soooooo slow to learn it. I still really really like seeing the numbers get lower...nuts!
Don't know if any of these thoughts can be helpful for anyone else or not. As always, I have been too long winded!
Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
- Psalm 84:10
Over the past 3 weeks, I have, at times (often), ignored the voice of God when He has instructed me or sought to offer guidance. I have not been as consistent in honoring the Lord with my eating. As much as I would like to, I can’t blame it on “the stress of the holidays.”
If I am honest, I must say it is a root of rebellion and pride. I was disappointed by God. He had allowed certain circumstances to unfold in my life and I thought He should have done differently! Such pride!!!
This little thought, when allowed to run away, took me away from my single focus—that of hearkening to God’s voice and responding to Him.
Recently, I got on the scale with trepidation, fearful that my lack of diligence to eat only what my body needed, would be reflected in increased weight. I was surprised to find that I had not gained any weight.
But you know what? While I *did* thank God that this was so, the discovery of having maintained my weight through this time was empty compared to the ongoing peace that I have when I listen to His voice. When I respond to His voice in humility, when I thrill to hearing HIM…there is nothing like the peace that permeates my heart. Weight lost or kept off is *nothing* in comparison.
As I stepped off the scale, I pondered these things. Psalm 84:10 came to mind. I realized that fellowship with God is much sweeter than weight not gained (when it should have been), or releasing yet another pound or two. I wouldn’t trade fellowship with God for all my weight gone. No way.
I would rather be a doorkeeper if that is what God wants, than have everything that I desire—a thin body, for instance—if God ordains it! Better is fellowship with him.
The Sons of Korah are listed as the writers of Psalm 84. In Numbers 16 a rebellion was started against Moses and Aaron by Korah. Korah was a Levite. He already had an important job in service at the tabernacle (see Numbers 4). But the job he had wasn’t enough from his perspective—God had disappointed him as well. Korah felt he should be on par with Moses and Aaron. He wanted to be a priest. He wanted more, different, from what God had called. He instigated a rebellion and dragged many others with him. God judged them for this and many were slain.
Years later, “the Sons of Korah” wrote Psalm 84. This psalm reflects hearts content with what God has determined…even being a doorkeeper is better than something “greater” if that something “greater” is outside of God’s will. It is more satisfying to be in the place that God ordains than it is to be anywhere else that is outside of His will. What a change from their father’s attitude!
This touches my heart. If I am outside of God’s will, it doesn’t matter how much weight I lose or what accolades I receive from people. It is so empty. It truly is. How much more I would rather know in my heart of hearts that I am walking in obedience, joy, and peace, in fellowship with the Lord, heeding His sweet voice…than obsessively stepping on and off the scale to see physical “proof” that I am releasing weight.
In verse 2 of Psalm 84, the Sons of Korah write: My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.
This is my heart today. More than my pandering after a new physical body, I want a new heart, a new soul…one that yearns, faints, cries out for the living God!
I know that God has promised in His Word that those who hunger and thirst for Him will be satisfied. This desire, for Him, will be with me for eternity. I choose to nurture this yearning today, to allow the Lord to feed it. More than releasing all my extra weight, HE is my very great reward.
Lord, I pray that you will help me today to fix my eyes not on earthly things, but on things above. Help me to set my mind on YOU, and to have ears attuned to your voice. More than anything that I might seek here on earth, I pray that I might long for and yearn for You. Be my satisfaction in this day, I pray. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
Some things that have come my way recently that struck me as practical tips for applying oneself to 0-5 eating and heeding the voice of God...
1. Ask God if He wants you to abstain for just one day from drinking any beverage other than water. If He says yes, then prayerfully evaluate how this affects your ability to determine your hunger/satisfaction cues. If you are like me and cringe at the thought of not drinking a favorite beverage for a "WHOLE DAY!?!" prayerfully ask God if it is an idol...(I don't want to think about this today...I will do this tomorrow! Bleah!)
2. When heating up some leftovers (like from a great meal you had out when you dutifully packaged up at least half of the portions served), rather than heat up the entire left over portion, take only a portion of *that* and heat it up to eat. It may not look like much food at first, but put it on a small plate, set down your fork and practice the "First Meal" exercise from like Day 15 I think it is. If you are not satisfied after you are done, you can always heat up more. This has kept me from overeating my leftovers a few times and also given me yet another meal of some of my favorite foods to enjoy. (Maybe this is obvious to others, but it sure wasn't to me! LOL!)
3. This may seem to totally contradict item #1 above, but I found myself really thinking I was "hungry" and it was for something sweet. Well, when I did a "bodometer" and really checked in, I wasn't hungry...not really. I gave myself a diet soda and my craving for something sweet went away. Later on, I can have something sweet if I still want it as part of hunger.
4. Don't turn "discretion" into all out denial. I did this in December. I felt virtuous because I had chosen not to eat sweets as part of my meals any more. It felt fine at the time. It didn't feel like denial. But at some point something clicked...and I went bonkers. Not full out bingeing as in the past (thank you, Lord!) but somethign went haywire! I almost bemoaned continuing. I was so disgusted with myself for having assumed I had been "delivered"!!!! The truth is, there is a happy medium (unless you are positive that GOD tells you otherwise!). I won't use my 0 to feed a hunger for a sweet tooth any more. That isn't where I feel God wants me, but I know that I *can* have a small bit of something sweet in there...and all is ok with the Lord. The trick is, am I *mastered* by it? If I am, then I have to re-evaluate it. The goal is to be able to co-exist in the same house as a bundt cake given us by the neighbors without self-destructing! LOL! That is what God wants! So, I must learn how to lean on HIM in those moments of weakness. Then maybe someday I won't have to flush the thing before the neighbor has even gotten back to her hourse or inhale it before it has even cooled completely! LOL!
5. When God has given me freedom to have brownies in the house, rather than storing them in their original pan with a knife next to it for cutting as I go, cut them up into small pieces and store them in baggies. That way, I won't be likely to keep carving on it without realizing it. Of course, sitting down to FOCUS on the pleasure will also help avoid unconsciously sucking up more of the stuff than I realize!
Enough from me for now!
Oh...about the Thin Again study. I don't feel the freedom to do that study right now. If anyone wants me to send the study components I have dug up off my hard drive from doing it 5 years ago, I will gladly do that. Let me know! Right now, I am progressing through the Thin Within quarter 3 program materials.
This is long!
I suppose it is more for me than for anyone to really read! LOL! I hope that saying it here will build in some accountability. I have an accountability partner. I will forward this to her as well.
2006 was a challenging year for me in many ways. I spent most of it wallowing in my sin...Truthfully, I worried myself almost sick about my health, having gained a bunch of weight...That is until a lady who owned a christian horsewomen's list invited me to join her list and then discovered my involvement with Thin Within in the past (by looking at my websites)...She asked me to lead her group through a study of the TW material! None of them had ever been exposed to Thin Within or any other hunger/satisfied program. It was a wonderful month with those ladies, as they were always discovering new things...just God revealing stuff to them! It was so refreshing and sure was motivating! Our paths had to part all too soon.
God sure used that lady to jumpstart me! :-D
To reinforce what He was planning to do...to make sure I didn't MISS it (as I am prone to do), the Lord lovingly, but very pointedly asked me what I felt really was the difference between MY family torn apart by MY death due to health complications (due to rebellious, willful obesity and the indulging of MY flesh) and some "normal American" family torn apart by a husband and father's addiction to pornography and HIS indulgence of HIS flesh. YIKES! That comparison by the Spirit of God really penetrated my hard heart.
So the last 6 weeks of 2006, God removed just over 20 pounds from my body and revealed so many things to me--Wow....He walked with me in intimacy and showed me, once again, that His grace knows no bounds, that His mercies are new every morning...no...every MOMENT. He showed me that pride has GOT TO BE PUT TO DEATH and that it is insidious in my life...and it rears its ugly, self-protecting head at almost every turn! BLEAH!
I came out of 2006 understanding that God is God and I am not-- even if my son is autistic, my youngest horse is permanently lame, and my mother is driving me nuts. :-) This is progress in a big way. It isn't measurable by most peoples' standards, but I shout Hallelujah! God has brought me far! Thank you Lord....I bow before you.
Ladies, I don't have the freedom like many of you do to graph, chart, log and journal. In 1995 and 1996 I counted everything and logged everything and charted it, too. I did it on paper and on the computer. I put signs on the wall and on the fridge. I counted fat grams, protein grams, carbohydrate grams, made sure they were in a specific proportion for every meal percentage-wise. I graphed my intake and my weight and compared the relationship between the two. (I even graphed that!) I was always looking for new ways of graphing and charting!
I logged strength training repetitions, sets, and weights, fat percentages in my body when hydrostatically weighed. I logged my run miles/locations/type of workouts/races and other carido workouts, making sure I often did two a day to compensate for some of the secrets I tried to keep from myself and my logs. I compared calorie intake with projected calorie expenditure.
I came out of those years thinner and fitter than I had ever been in my entire life...and...more totally chained to food and in bondage to compulsive exercise than ever before, as well. I was obsessed. In my case, I missed the idol I had erected. Although my eating was disordered before, it was WAY disordered by then. Food was still an enemy...I was NOT at peace with my body, even though it was fit! I found a way to control the food...and control my exercise....presto.
When I went to my first Weigh Down meeting in spring of 1997, the ladies there scoffed at my presence there...I was thin...looked pretty good for a mom with two young kids. They didn't get it...it was my heart. My heart was suffocating with the idol that lived there...and my thoughts, my plans, my family's life totally revolved around it.
That wasn't freedom! I was NOT free! I looked it on the outside, but the idol threw back its head and laughed at my presumption!
So......all that to say...I can't even use the Thin Within graphs and charts. They are too much like the chains of my past. So I don't. God has asked me not to return to that. Most people probably don't have a problem like that. I have always been a slow student! LOL! I think it is great that many can journal and graph and log. He has shown me that, for me...and only for me...to do so wouldn't help His cause in my life. I guess this is my disclaimer! LOL! My goals sound nebulous and UNmeasurable. But God will show me when it works. He certainly did during these past months.
I have to tell you, I have to resist the logs and charts for all I am worth. I found an old "Penguin Brigade" log book that I had never used...saved it...and I put it on my dresser, thinking I would begin to log again. YIKES! I can't! I still can't! I can feel the weakness....I am SOOOO tempted!
So....
For 2007, here are my nebulous goals. LOL!
I desire to see myself get to my God-given size and stay there so that by next January, I can be a group leader for TW. If God calls me to it sooner, great. I am willing. But I feel this strong leading right now that after all my practice at unfaithfulness, He would like to give me an opportunity to practice listening to his voice in each moment for a good solid year. :-) It has to do with credibility. When we moved up here and started attending a church here, I was humiliated and ashamed when someone approached me and said, "Hey, your name....I have seen your name in a book I have been reading...haven't I?" They were reading Thin Within and I wanted to hide under the furniture! I felt like I was such a blight on His name and on the good name of Thin Within!....I know that God isn't about shame...that is why I have shared these things here, but as for leading a TW group at my church...I feel that I must have credibility with the ladies who know me and who might choose to be a part. So that is one goal.
Additionally, I would like to reach my God-given size by May. This is a HUGE God-sized goal. I would like to release another 30 or so pounds...if God says more is needed or less is fine, then I am ok with that. Selfishly, perhaps, my reason for wanting to get there that soon is because I want my horses to carry less weight when things dry out enough to ride them this late spring or early summer. When I am too heavy, I worry about how they feel. Then I get fearful that if they hurt at all when they carry me that they may object (this can result in bucking! LOL!) (To see my tales visit http://rocklinheidi.bravejournal.com) ...and I may get hurt! So it all works together to help me be less fearful and them happier about things. Specifically, I want to ride Dodger, my mustang, by late spring early summer. He is built like a small tank, but he is my smallest horse at about 13.3 hands and 800 pounds (he needs to "release" weight, too!).
(Please visit his special video with my autistic son at http://bylsma.spiritofequus.com/vid/dodgerdaniel.wmv They were in the Chicken Soup for the Horse Lover's Soul Volume 2 and also are featured at the BLM website if you are interested! I am a proud mamma of my two redheads--though the video has footage about 3 years old in it! LOL! And you can see in the video that I needed to release weight even then...and I gained even MORE weight after that!)
Anyhow, Harley will be going to a trainer this spring. I am concerned about being too heavy for him. He is quite athletic, but hasn't had practice carrying a heavy load since his first training. He has carried me some, but always been troubled about it. I hope that the trainer will prepare him for at least the weight I will be then. I know this all probably sounds silly.
I hope to also be fit enough that my core body strength enables me to be a *good* rider. It requires a lot of a person to be a *good* rider. I only hope to trailride, but I still want to gel with the movement of my horses so they are comfortable (and I will be, as well). This requires fitness. Some folks think that if you ride horses you don't have to be fit! Well, the horses know the difference! LOL!
Another goal for this year is to fully investigate agility with my new dog. I have to be able to run and move for this. We start our first pre-agility class next week. I have watched handlers with their dogs and those folks do have to sprint around quite a bit. I hope to be able to do that. I would like to go far enough with her to try one competition. This relates to my weight-releasing and fitness goals!
While it isn't a goal, I am toying with the idea of running a bit, too...For now, I will continue to do my "Dance Praise." I am having a blast and being edified while getting an awesome workout. I hope to continue to do that 4 or more times each week for an hour or so each time. It is just too much fun!
This time next year (January 1, 2008), I hope to have walked with God more faithfully in 2007 and grown in knowing Him more intimately. I hope to be involved in a ministry again that I know is of God...I recently bailed out of all ministry. I would love it if I could do TW and/or a horsewomen's biblestudy group. I miss leading a bible study...
Another thing that I really think the Lord wants me to do is to develop three of my friendships. I have three friends in mind and things have gone by the wayside a bit...busy-ness of life. I think, too, my shame caused me to hide out a lot more...hard to get to know folks when you are hiding!
Ok...all from me for now.
Blessed New Year, All!
