I had a late-in-the-day quiet time. I can't stand not having my time with the Lord. It isn't something virtuous about me. Not at all. I wish I could take credit as being one who has "self-discipline" or something...but that isn't it.
Fact is, it isn't a discipline at all. He has placed in me a passion for His Word. That, and to sit and be still and know that He is God. Sometimes it isn't quite so serene as that. Sometimes, I sit there rather intellectually (my best imitation of it, anyhow!) and scrutinize....or turn it all into a brain-only exercise. I hate it when I do that.
But the point is, God has placed in me a strong desire to know and study His Word...and I love doing it. So I hope no one thinks that I am boasting and bragging. It isn't like that. I figure He knew that I needed extra doses of God-talk in my life and knew my heart would be prone to wander far afield. So he gave me this one gift...it helps my feet remain on the ground...most days.
Well, this morning, I didn't start the day with my quiet time. One thing led to another and I was feeling so...well...empty. I knew I needed time with Him.
So just after I gave the horses their supplements (I am obsessive about my horses' nutrition! Talk about ironic! LOL!) and just before I fed them their dinner, I sat down for an hour and did my Thin Within workbook and my Beth Moore, Living Beyond Yourself bible study.
I wanted to share something that struck so deep and so tender a chord in me....
Think with me about this. Scripture says we can grieve the Holy Spirit. According to Beth Moore's LBY workbook on page 41, this word in the greek means "to afflict with sorrow, to cause grief, offend." Beth goes on to say the following:
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The word implies that the third member of the Holy Trinity is able to feel pain. The Word of God cites only one causal agent of His pain: those He inhabits--the very ones who also are a source of His joy.
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Oh, my heart....this isn't new to me, but it struck me with such a new intensity...the ache in my heart to know that so often I have grieved the Holy Spirit, the very one who has chosen to indwell me, to offer me the power, presence, provision of God in my life to defeat sin, to rise above all obstacles....to know that so often I have said no to the very lover of my soul...
Beth goes on to say on page 42:
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Sin in the life of the believer causes the Holy Spirit to grieve. Consequently, the Holy Spirit's pain will not cease until we "get rid" of the sin....For the Spirit to be released from grief and to fuilfillment, every known sin must be the object of [my] repentance. Blanket prayers of forgiveness with no thought to the object of God's disfavor are a waste of time. We cannot confess what we will not face. We must be specific.
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She goes on to say:
We cherish some sins; we treasure them. We do not want to let go of them; therefore, we admit to God we have committed them, but we lack the sorrow that would give us the strength to turn away...
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This reminded me of what Pastor Mike said a few weeks back about how we are sometimes willing to avoid sin, but we do that with our eye on it longingly...we are called to HATE sin. There is a big difference.
Lord, may I not grieve the Holy Spirit. May my life be given over completely to Your will and YOUR ways that I might live for You and that the HOLY Spirit might be totally at home in my life. Help me never to wink at sin while supposedly avoiding it. Instead, I pray you might cultivate in me a hatred for sin.
In the Name of Jesus. Amen.
The photo here is me with my two kids. Daniel is 14 and Michaela is 12. I mention them further down in this blog, but I haven't figured out how to get the photos where I want them, yet. So that is why it is up here! LOL!
One of the goals that I stated in my blog from January 1st was:
Additionally, I would like to reach my God-given size by May. This is a HUGE God-sized goal. I would like to release another 30 or so pounds...if God says more is needed or less is fine, then I am ok with that.
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At the time I wrote that, I had released about 20 pounds...maybe a bit more...like 25 I think. And wanted to get to a total of 50 gone by May. During January, I released 10 more. Making the total released 35.
God has definitely been working ahead of schedule and as of this morning:
45 pounds have been released!!!
I feel now like we (God and I) may release more than my initial "God-sized" goal!
God is stunning me with the weight stuff. It really surprises me. I assume that it will really slow down a lot as we get closer to the size He intends for me. I will know it when we land there. I know He will make sure I don't miss it.
As I enter March, I do so 10 pounds lighter than I entered Februrary. The ponies will be pleased! LOL! (Ok, maybe not, but I like thinking that they will!)
It amazes me that God removed 10 pounds this past month, as I had some real hurdles that I struggled with this month. God has been so close to me. His presence has just (literally) floored me. I mean that. Boy...
Above releasing 45 pounds so far, the thing that I am most thankful for is the way He has tendered my heart to Him. I hear songs on the radio and my heart is gripped with conviction. I use my Dance Praise and I simply can't get through "How Great is Our God" without dancing with my hands raised in the air. You would have to know me to know that this is NOT me. In fact, none of that is me any more. He is shaping and forming my heart even more than my outer body.
Believe me when I say...this has little to do with me. It is Him. The other night, I felt like I had to go literally to my knees to worship Him. I felt like I was in the presence of Almighty God and He said, "I will not share my glory with another. I WILL BE EXALTED." All I could do was weep and confess "Yes, Lord, you are KING! Forgive my pride...yet again....BE EXALTED!" He wasn't stern, He wasn't mean. he was just...well...GOD! He was love and kindness and patience, grace, and mercy...but He was GOD!
The writing with Judy again has been wonderful. Sure, it isn't ALL fun! LOL! Hard to believe that the deadline for her book with the pediatrician who is doing most of the writing is April 1!!!! LOL! It just wouldn't be writing with Judy if it weren't for an unbelievable deadline! LOL! It all gives us more chance to see God at work.
The fun thing is, as I am actually doing Thin Within with my kids, we are writing about doing Thin Within with kids. Once, again, God is surrounding me with more support than I could shake a stick at! The picture up above shows my kids. They are actually naturally thin, but they aren't fit. We are doing some changes in our lives...Truthfully, we have a drivethrough life...we hit fast food a lot, it seems. I am releasing weight anyhow and they are thin anyhow. I think Dad is the one who suffers the most as he eats whatever we don't!!! But in time.
Anyhow, while life is crazy and hectic with trying to write and edit and help with this new manuscript, it is also fun to see God fleshing out the truths we are writing about in the lives of my family members (including me).
I am so thankful....so so thankful. I can't even believe His timing for all of this. He got a hold of my heart in November through a horse lady (so funny how he did that). I began to see changes in my heart...called Judy to tell her about it and my excitement....and she was glad to hear it...we never knew that God would bring all this together in part so we could be on a writing team together again. LOL! God has such a sense of humor!
Thank you, Lord, for your patience with me, your never-ending love, your grace, your mercy. Thank you that you are at work in me now, even when/if I don't have eyes to perceive it.
I opened my Thin Within workbook this morning and was asked to look at Romans 8:13.
For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if you live by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.
“What are we doing to the deeds of the flesh when we live according to the Spirit?"
I was struck by God directing me to *that* exercise, today....the workbook seemed to be a perfect follow up to my thrush analogy.
You see, I struggle with something. If I boldly share about the weight loss, then pride can rear its ugly head.
My sin is like that. It flourishes in the right environment. Sure, on the outside, like Breezy’s hoof…my life might look good enough, appear to function just fine, acceptably…. but inside, the "thrush" (my sin, pride, arrogance) is eating away at the most important part of who I am.
In the past, I mechanically did some 0-5 eating and even lost 70 pounds. I was working so hard up here in the hills getting the place done up for horses, carting tons and tons (literally) of rock up and down the hillside to help prevent erosion from horsie hooves that when I wasn't working outside, I was hungry from working so hard. I didn't have enough time to eat for long before I had to head outside and work again...so I released the weight.
(Below is a photo of one of my horses on the rocks after I had placed them on this one particular hill...obviously, my plan failed, but it sure kept me moving a lot doing all the laying of the rock!)
I am now almost as low weight-wise as I was then, but a bit leaner, as I have been exercising my cardiovascular system specifically to help my heart be healthy. Thing is, back when I did the mechanics before, my heart was still not given to God in this. I was still resentful, bitter, frustrated. It was a prideful place to be and I know I gravitate back to that again rather easily. I can't believe it, but I do!!!
I am seeing this time, some definite heart changes God is making in me. Not just in my willingness to allow Him the Sovereign right to BE God, but also in transforming my lusts and desires. No, I don't assume that it is a done deal. Again, I know that I can, like a dog, return to my vomit (that is a bible verse...sorry for it being so gross! But it works!!!)...but I will praise Him for even the small steps forward. As I keep my eyes on him, I know we will continue FORWARD. It is when I get my eyes on myself or the praise of man that I falter.
That said, while the outer changes may seem the most obvious to onlookers, I know the truth...the most profound changes are in my heart where no one but the Lord sees. I also am keenly aware that there is a truckload yet to remain. What lies in the dark recesses of my heart? I have offered God access to those places...the places where there is disease. I have invited him to please expose the truth, cut out all that stands against him and cleanse it all.
I have often wondered about the connection of my horsemanship with my walk with God in this stuff. I know that sounds weird to most people, but God has shown me there are many connections. The latest one is related to Breezy's feet.
Breezy's front feet have had thrush...and this thrush has been deep in the crevices of his frog...one of the most important components of the foot of a horse. When you think about it, the feet of a horse have a HUGE job. Those tiny little hoofs (relative to the size of the horse) have to carry his weight. That is a LOT of pounds per square inch. Without getting too technical, the frog is the tissue that simply must function to help the hoofs do their job.
Yet Breezy's thrush has worked it's way into the deep dark recesses of his frog...it is an anaerobic bacteria, I guess. It doesn't need oxygen to survive. Once it gets into those hidden places, covered by flaps of other frog tissue (which can even grow down around the thrush, effectively protecting the thrush further while it works as an enemy!), it does its nasty work which is to make "swiss cheese" of one of the most important parts of a horse's hoof. This can ultimately cause pain and lameness and it can do this even while the foot looks relatively healthy to most people when you clean it out as tissue can grow down around the pockets of diseased tissue.
Below is Breezy's frog after it had begun to heal! All those chunks of stuff missing...they are a problem. The flaps of skin are also a clue that there is more of the disease hidden away underneath. Thrush often gives off waste that is BLACK. Hmm....
Was this pleasant for Breezy? Heck no. Was it worth it...wow. Yes. It really affected ME to see us cutting so much into the very tissue we were trying to save. I had to trust the more skillful one of us....and then and only then could the healing begin. I mean everyone in hoof care circles says you don't want to cut or carve or trim the frog at all...that a normal hoof will be healthiest when allowed to shed the frog on its own. Thing was, Breezy wasn't. The foot desperately was hanging on to the frog...even though it was diseased. And this was leading to a complete change in his entire hoof structure...and his soundness and comfort.
How like that hoof I am. I seem to cling to the darkness, the disease...the very thing that is choking off life inside, that is killing my ability to live as one alive to the things of God. It is like I grow around my sin, protecting it from exposure to the light and air...to God...to his probling, loving, careful and skillful knife. He wants access. The blackness is exposed as he cuts deep into me. No, it isn't pleasant. It is quite painful in fact. Just to SEE it...to be made aware of the ways in which I have clung to my sin...it is quite shocking. But it is then and only then, that all of the less invasive things that I might do to walk in godliness can really be effective. Where does my study of God's Word get me when I harbor sin in my heart? Scripture tells me and I don't much care for it.
I don't know if this blog gets any visits, but I know this...a picture speaks volumes. So I will spare typing up volumes today and just share photos. The photo below was taken last summer before I was willing to offer my eating to the Lord. I obviously, am the one on the left. Tried to hide behind a horse, but it didn't work.
The photo below was taken by hubby this morning. The scale this morning indicated that I may have released 44 pounds since November. That would be wonderful, but I know these things vascillate a lot. I just know that God is doing an amazing work. It truly is a new thing.
I found these shorts some time ago when I was cleaning out my closet. I figured I would keep them to remind me of where pride and arrogance can take me. I was busting out of these shorts literally (I used duct tape to hold them together!!!), before God got a hold of my heart. I was worried about dying of a heart attack. I work hard here to take care of horses and kids...my life doesn't allow for being sedentary. Problem was, my body wasn't able to healthfully support the lifestyle.I had even stopped riding my horses because I was concerned about their comfort.
Add to that the huge barrier I had in my life between the Lord and me...there was little peace and little joy.
Well, I said I wouldn't write copious quantities of verbage today...so I will shut up now.
I am so humbled at what God is doing.
Thank you, Lord.
I meant to post this a few days back...after I had a "blinding flash of the obvious" (BFO), but I haven't taken the time, yet. So I may as well now.
In Thin Within, for those who don't know, "flesh machinery" is basically something that sort of kicks us into an unawareness of eating...it is something that sets us into eating. Like for some folks, when the DVD machine starts playing a good movie, there is a call for popcorn and soda. This happens whether we are hungry or not.
PMS is a common one. We use it to justify eating red meat or chocolate or whatever else. Even if we aren't hungry.
My husband goes out of town a lot and that used to be a "flesh machinery" for me...eat for comfort as I miss him! Running errands (we live a ways away from anything) meant the drive through for milkshakes or more...and the list goes on and on.
Since God has been working on me from the inside out, so much of my flesh machinery has been rooted out and, I believed, cured by the Lord.
A couple of weeks ago, however, I discovered one that I had never thought of before, nor had I thought I possessed. Weather!!!
Here in California, we had the driest January on record in over a hundred years. We had glorious spring weather. I am a fair weather gal through and through. I enjoyed going riding and being outside a lot, as well. Suddenly, things changed DRASTICALLY! We got hit with a deluge of three days of rain. The entire three days, I spent EATING! I couldn't figure out why such a departure from giving this to the Lord. I wondered what had set me off!
Well, it was flat out doing what I wanted when I wanted, but I wondered what had flipped the switch.
After the storms passed, I was able to take a step back and evaluate a bit. I realized, as I did, that the storm had resulted in a truckload of intense emotions. Here where we live, on the side of a steep hill, rain means a mess down yonder with the horses. It means blanketing the ones that can't handle the rain, wind and coldness. It means feeding is a mess. It means worry...it means extra work...and add to that, I just don't LIKE gray skies and rain! If I could have it my way it would be 80 degrees ALL the time!!!
Michaela, my daughter, and I had found a recipe for friendship bread starter on the web a week earlier. Bad timing! We baked the bread during the time of the storms. It seemed SO "homey" having freshly baked cinnamon sugar friendship bread (even with almonds and granola in one loaf!) during the storm. That combination of stuff sure set me off.
So when these latest storms hit us this past week, I was prepared and prayed for by others. I asked them to lift me up in prayer. I have prohibited the baking of friendship bread for a while! LOL!
Let's kick some serious Satan bottom....WHO IS WITH ME!
I am sick and tired of giving ground to the enemy and why? All because I like the COOKIES more than GOD???? Hello? Does anyone think this is as stupid and ludicrous as I think it is? What is going on with me when I act like that?
It blows me away the birthright I give up for "stew"....good grief. Someone else has been there and done that and has the race t-shirt to remember it by and I think he wishes he did it differently. I think his name was Esau.....
I do NOT want to run a race like Esau....
"Oops...wait. I know you have a victor's crown in store for me. I know I am more than a conqueror in Christ. I know that you died to pay the price to set me free, Lord. Your blood was spilled out to pay for my pardon. But....GOOD GRIEF...there are freshly baked brownies over there! You won't mind while I take off on this rabbit trail for a day or two and enjoy eating them until I am sick or they are gone (whichever comes second), will you????? And that pizza...yes, I know I can have it in moderation as I am free in Christ, but one piece isn't nearly as tasty as 5 pieces!!!!!! (A lie that I seem to enjoy believing.) So the finish line with the victor's crown, the victorious Christian walk, the living in freedom, the walking free of shackles...all that will just have to wait while I stuff my mouth with more cheese enchiladas!!!! No offense, Lord, ok?"
This is sick...God forgive me.
Erm....I need to go to bed.!
I get the hint that God wants me to get it. This verse was in the TW workbook for today's assignment. From Hebrews 10:19-23
19Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, 20by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, 21and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.
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Then, when I went to my homepage, which I have customized, it said the bible verse of the day was this same verse. So, ok...let's have a look at why.
Because of Jesus' sacrifice and acting as the Great High Priest, I can have confidence to approach God. My relationship with Him has been purchased and provided for by Jesus. I can draw near to God...I don't need to keep him at a distance...and I can receive the cleansing I need from my guilty conscience for ANY sin. He is faithful and just to forgive me of ALL unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).
I am being called to cling unswervingly to the hope I have been professing. *I* am not the one who needs to be faithful in order for this hope to remain the hope that it is. It is GOD who is faithful. My hope of glory is CHRIST IN ME doing the work, renewing my mind, changing me from WITHIN.
Isaiah 30:18-19 says this:
Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! Oh people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you.
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What a WONDERFUL passage. It speaks to me fresh.
The Lord longs to be gracious to you...
I still wonder why I wouldn't just drop my head and come to Him. He LONGS to be gracious to me. He waits...why would I keep Him waiting? The word "gracious" means to show favor. Yet I put off coming to Him....go figure!
"...he rises to show you compassion."
The word "rises" means exalted. I find that fascinating. He is exalted when I come to Him and allow Him to show me His compassion. Again, why do I put Him off? Why do I wait? Why not surrender? Yield? Submit?
"Compassion" is also translated "mercy." The actual definition from Strongs is "to love, love deeply, have mercy, be compassionate, have tender affection, have compassion." All of this amazing "stuff" is ready to be poured out on me when I come to the Lord. I can come to Him ANY time. I don't need to wait. There is no need for me to put it off. His kindness is waiting to be poured out.
For the Lord is a God of justice...
Wow. He calls all of that "justice?" It reminds me of the line from a song. "The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair." It really is true. Justice would seem to require that I pay for my OWN sin, but because Christ paid for all of my sin--past, present, future--God considers justice, giving me mercy, compassion, grace. If this doesn't blow the mind, I don't know what does!
Blessed are all who wait for him!
"Blessed" is also translated "happy." Isn't it funny to think that God wants to give me "happiness?" John Piper does a great discussion of this in Pleasures of God,
"Wait." This is fascinating. This word is the same exact word used in verse 18 where it says the Lord LONGS to be gracious to me. It is almost like this passage says, "I long for you, won't you long for me, too?" Once again, God's precious heart is displayed...so tender.
Thank you, Lord, for your Word.
Starting again. Dieting mentality says you wait until the next day to start. Thin Within says any moment can be a new beginning. Actually, God says that. :-) Last night I had more dinner than I needed. My dieting mentality said I needed to have protein to make up for the overabundance of carbohydrates that I had had. Hellooooo. Anybody home? That was silly!
Anyhow, I did my restart last night about 7pm when I brushed my teeth and announced to myself I was done eating! Good grief!
I think part of the problem is the Amish Friendship Bread we have been making. I honestly tried to tell myself that there was no moral implication to having one thing over another for breakfast...and that I could have the bread for breakfast guilt-free, but for MY body, starting a day with carbs seems to set me up for failure. I need some protein in the morning. That is just the way God has wired me I guess.
Anyhow, it isn't about the food. Here I am focusing on the food. It is about the heart. I want my *heart* to be surrendered to the Lord...
New beginnngs...His mercy are new each morning (actually, even more frequently than that).
When I was reading the Thin Within book in November and December, God really impressed upon my heart the value of gratitude. When pride rears its ugly head, gratitude expressed to God puts pride in it's place. It is very hard for pride to live and be fed, when God is esteemed as the author of all things, every good and perfect gift, success.
I think that my resolve has eroded or something (yesterday didn't get much better even after I posted) primarily because I have focused on mySELF. I know that focusing on the Lord will lift this burden from me and bring things back into perspective. HE is my strength. HE is my satisfaction. HE is my sustainer and Deliverer.
I am grateful to God that He has put people into my life to walk with on this journey. God has used the most unlikely means to turn me back to Him back in November and I am so thankful that He is willing to do that...to go to unlikely measures to accomplish unlikely things. :-)
My husband and kids are extremely supportive. I am grateful to God for that, as well. I know that He has moved in their hearts as well. I am so thankful to God for that. My husband and my daughter, in particular, are affirming and encouraging.
Well, I will take some of my gratitudes to my personal offline journal :-). But I know this is a key. It is tough to get on the path of my performance when my focus is on the Lord. If I stay off of the path of my performance, then I won't be fixating on MY success, MY body, MY choices, MY food, MY clothes, MY weight...yada yada. I will be all about GOD. That is what is missing.
I am not really sure what is up with me today. I feel so disheartened. I am still feeling bloated...that doesn't help me to figure out hunger, but I also have been "searching" or something today. It doesn't help that I made some wonderful Amish Friendship Bread with granola, nuts and cinnamon sugar on it. Eating that for my lunch isn't exercising much by way of discernment. I wasn't hungry at all, either. Or if I was, it was hidden by the fact I was feeling bloated. Bleah...
As I look back over the day, I think I started by feeling "guilt." Instead of processing my guilt--rather conviction-- by taking it to the Lord and observing and correcting (confession and repentance), I just stewed and allowed the Accuser to just use it to beat me over the head. I mean, I haven't eaten very much at all today (relatively speaking), but I haven't invited the Lord into what I *have* been eating. That is not only NOT what I want...I NEED to be intimate with him in this area of my life--in ALL areas of my life...but it is also what got me to a place I never want to return again. VERY overweight and miserable!!! I refuse to derail all that God is doing!
So, I guess I was feeling beat up by my own "club of condemnation" and I got out my Dance Praise and began to do that...about 40 minutes into it, I really hurt my arthritic ankle. This happens every now and then, though it hasn't happened in a long while. It makes it hard to use it at all even for walking let alone "dancing." So I stopped. I was bummed about that, too.
I think a part of my unconscious thinking was that I would somehow exercise to make up for any "boo boos" I had made with my food. Man alive!!! This is totally DIETING mentality! As I sit here typing this, I am processing it...and seeing it for what it is...good grief!
God forgive me! Lord, I submit myself to you right now, in this moment. I want to be what YOU want me to be. I want to walk in all YOUR ways. I know that if I trust in the Lord with all my heart and don't lean on my own understanding, if in ALL my ways I acknowledge you, You will make my paths straight. That is all I have to do, really...just CHOOSE you. You even work in me to be willing to do that!
So, Lord, I choose you. Forgive me for not inviting you into my eating/drinking/everything today. I confess (observe) and repent (correct). I choose to turn away from mindlessly doing whatever I want, even if it seems "mild" and choose to follow YOUR leading. It isn't the eating that is necessarily the sin here...it is rejecting your guidance, your leading, your hand. I identify it now as sin, confess it as such, and gladly, joyfully receive your forgiveness and empowering for the rest of this minute, this hour, this day.
Holy Spirit, please flood all the empty places in my life. Fill me up again to overflowing! Cause your truth to penetrate my heart again and keep me focused on the TRUTH, not on lies. I rejoice that you have revealed the Truth to me. I am free to live according to the Truth! Thank you. Let me believe God and what He says about me...and to LIVE, CHOOSE, ACT like I believe what I claim I believe!
And I pray, too, for my ankle...that it wouldn't hurt any more. As quickly as the pain came on, I know you can make it go. Please do, Lord. But if you don't, help me to learn from you what you want me to learn during this time. Help me never to depend on exercise again to lose weight. You have shown me in so many ways that I don't need to do that. Exercise is something I do because of the great joy you have given me doing it and also because it causes my body to be healthier...I don't want to do it so that I can eat more.
Thank you for your patience, kindness and that it is your kindness that leads me to repentance. In repentance and rest is my strength. I choose repentance and rest....I know you will take care of being my strength.
Amen.
"...for in his own eyes he flatters himself too much to detect or hate his sin." Psalm 36:2
This verse penetrated my heart. I have been so excited about releasing the weight and feeling like I LOOK so much better...talk about pride! It is one thing to celebrate God's amazing work (and to keep on, as the work isn't completed...). But it is quite another to flatter myself by repeated glances in a mirror..."Oh, my! I *am* looking different!" or returning to the closet to try on those smaller jeans...again... "Almost! Won't be long now before they fit GREAT!"
Becoming captivated by my "progress" is arrogant, conceited and prideful. It also, according to this verse can keep me from detecting sin...which continues to need to be rooted out.
I posted some time back about how I am to do more than merely avoid sin. I am to HATE sin. This verse speaks to that. If I am so busy flattering myself that I don't detect my sin, then I won't HATE sin either...
I need to "break camp" and not stay put here celebrating.
Time to "forget what is behind" and to "press ON." There is MORE ground to cover.
I AM thankful for all God has done, but I want to see what OTHER new thing God is doing!
I cleaned out my close over the weekend. I confessed to the Thin Within Yahoo Group that I had a fear of getting rid of my larger sized clothing. Well, it was cathartic to admit that. God used it to kick me in the bum to at least put all the clothes in garbage bags. I haven't carted them off yet, but I plan to have the courage to do so.
The fun thing about cleaning out the closet was I found some things...some smaller sized pants that now fit...YAY!
I also found my largest short that I was busting out of...they were split..I think I will keep them for a before and after picture or something. I mean it really was a huge comparison. It doesn't reflect where I began *this* time (I hadn't gained back all the weight I had lost)...but it *does* reflect where I was when we first moved up here in October of 2002. It works well enough to give me a visual. Maybe I will glue them to my closet wall (it is a walk in closet) so that if I ever lose sight of faithfully continuing to obey the Lord with my eating, I can be reminded..."Do I want to return to that prison!???"
All for now. My keyboard is giving me fits.
Thoughts about 5...for me the real change in my thinking and results came when I began to evaluate "When am I no longer uncomfortable from hunger?" That helped me a lot. The truth is, in the past, I wanted to see how much I could eat *before* getting uncomfortable again. That was because I didn't want to let go of food. It was that idea of that while I was avoiding sin, I was not hating it...so I tried to go right up close to the edge and *maybe* stop just before I had eaten too much. That phrase "how much can I get away with?" was true of me.
Now it is more "How little do I need?" No...not like the anorexic might do. If a person has that in her past, I would guess she would have to ask God to help her not to fall prey to that again...but for me it works well.
As I said before, Judy Halliday referred to 5 as being where you stop when you are energized and could get up and exercise without that "Oops, I ate too much" feeling! For me, after she said that, I tried it...I actually exercised after eating and found it really helped define it for me.
As I mentioned in chat, there is a range for me...from the minute I am no longer hungry, to what I used to call a 5....it is where I don't feel the sensation of food in my stomach.
I asked my 14 year old son what a "5" feels like and he said "Nothing." He has a point. It is a *lack* of a sensation and for me, that is satisfied. I think it is unusual to consider *nothing* "satisfied!" LOL! But frankly, when I feel food pushing on my stomach...or even settling against it...I don't like that any more. So stopping before that IS satisfying. (I have to laugh...as I typed the above about my son, he announced from the table where he was eating a late dinner that he was STUFFED and that his hunger number was "12" and that he is going to be sick! Sigh!!)
Anyhow, if I add to this description, where am I comfortable (no longer uncomfortable from hunger) and energized so that I could exercise...well, that about sums it up for me! No erpy burpies...Yes!
I don't know if this helps anyone else, but boy...it has brought clarity to me.
Doing a bit better with the things that had me concerned last I wrote. I need to release my hold on caffeinated soda. So hereby begins the decrease of that. I typically drink caffeine free diet soda, but sometimes, have way too much normal diet coke in a day. So...Goodbye to that! I won't even confess what I have been drinking...as it is obscene! But no more. I am convinced that the postural hypotension that I seem to have been struggling with is related to all the caffeine since diuretics can cause that and caffeine is a diuretic!
The constipation seems to be behind me. LOL! I hope! I may have to use some of that fiber stuff that you add to beverages...forget what it is called, but we have that. Not Metamusil...it is something else, basically a psyllium product.
Today I was able to enjoy Dance Praise again. I was so uncomfortable over the weekend that I missed out on that!
Back to "normal" I hope!
I am having a hard time with dizziness and light-headedness, headaches and other weird stuff.
I am not bypassing hunger intentionally. So if I am bypassing it, it is because the signal flew by me. When I eat, I like to stop when I don't feel anything in my stomach. No hunger, no food pushing against the sides of my stomach....but with as active as I am maybe it isn't enough.... I am wondering if I am dealing with low blood sugar more than I realize. I do lots of horse chores and work outside and I love to exercise using http://www.digitalpraise.com "Dance Praise" or other way of moving around...I am not sedentary.
I realize that this is a part of my journey and since I have shared other aspects of my journey...all good stuff....I figured I should share this. If any of you have experience with this, I would sure welcome hearing about it.
I may have to go to my doctor...I really don't want to. The last time I was there, her comment about my weight gain was "Wow...your *poor* horses!" Talk about professional. :-/ While I am at least 35 pounds lighter than I was at that appointment, I still don't want to see her. Bleah.
I hate going to the doctor even if they aren't rude and condescending.
One other problem I am having...sigh...another true confession...constipation! BLEAH! I can't stand eating a thing when I feel this bloated!
My journey...the good, the bad, the ugly...bleah!
I prefer the good!
So many things are hitting me.
I am feeling like this really will happen this time. I will reach my God-given size...and not just because I have mechanically applied the physiological aspects of 0-5 eating. God is really transforming me INSIDE (within) and out.
For some reason the 35 pounds I have lost seems like it was ALL really significant--like half from my tummy and half from my bottom. My profile looks different...when I accidentally see my reflection, now, I don't cringe...I don't freak. I look *different*...Almost...well, "normal."
So what is my fear? How many times have I lost weight....a bizillion. And then gained it again. A bizillion. Just since having kids, I have lost over 210 pounds (not counting the latest 35) and gained it back...
I remember after I lost 110 pounds with Weight Watchers and made a huge monumental decision to break free from my fear of gaining the weight back...and I got rid of all my biggest sized clothing. (And the smaller sizes between that biggest size and where I was). I struggled with doing this for a long time before taking those large sized clothes to Good Will. When I did it, I hooted and hollered and celebrated! I was FREE!
I regretted it within two years. I had no clothes that fit as I gained back the weight and had to go out and *buy* the bigger sizes. That was awful.
Today I had the thought hit me, "I will probably gain all this back again just like I always have."
Well, nuts, if that isn't from the pit of hell, I don't know what is. But I also am a realist...this thought has history supporting it as fact. However, on the other side of things, I also know that because this is so different this time...since God really is making me different "within" that former history doesn't have to be repeated. I can truly FORGET what is behind and press on! So there!
So...I am going to do something different. No, I won't get rid of the big sized clothing. I guess that says something....
Instead, though, I am going to type up little notes to pin inside the pockets. If I ever wear those jeans again, I will find that note. I know myself well enough to know that I will HAVE to read it...I am like that. In that note, I will point out how wonderfully easy and quick God has been making this. I will put my testimony of seeing God work, transforming me...and the way He is also calling me to be restored in ministry at the same time as well....
I think that it could matter. I know that the worldly thought that kept me from starting this sooner was that it would take "such a long time" to release weight. Well, that isn't true at all. Not only that, but eating this way has felt GREAT.
Yes, there have been times I have stumbled. Around Christmas, I went bonkers. I still manage to eat beyond the place God has told me to stop many times. I am in process....
I will just slip a reminder in the pocket of those pants.
Who knows? Maybe when I finally DO get the courage and overcome my fear to give those jeans away, I will have forgotten about the note pinned in them and some unsuspecting thrift store shopper will find the note...and get hope! LOL!
Do I sound nuts?
I think that if we are trying to eat as much as we can before we hit a 5 then finding 5 will seem more elusive. But if we just decide ahead of time to delight in removing the sensation (discomfort, really) of hunger, we will be glad to stop when we are no longer hungry. It takes a lot of the guesswork out of it.
Last night, I realized another good way for me to identify 5. I hadn’t been able to take the time to exercise any time during the day before dinner, so I knew that I was going to bounce around (for a step aerobics workout) immediately after dinner. As I was eating a very YUMMY bit of dinner, my thoughts reflected back on something Judy Halliday had said to me in a telephone conversation. She had mentioned that a person who stops at a 5 can easily go out and exercise afterwards without being uncomfortable. This resonated with me and provided a good goal for me while I was eating my delicious dinner.
Dinner was pizza and because I was *so* hungry when I sat down, it tasted remarkably beyond good. It was delectable, in fact! In order not to eat any more, I told myself that I could easily get another pizza just like this one any time I wanted…that this is *not* the last pizza on the planet nor is it the last time I would have an opportunity to eat pizza. I was able to walk away…and I was relatively sure I had stopped in plenty of time. Hunger was gone.
I went downstairs and began my workout. Sure enough! No “erpy burpies” assaulted my enjoyment of my exercise!!! Yay! I was able to bounce around the step bench with abandon, without fear of upchucking extra food. What a difference between that and times in the past when all I could stand to think of following a “pizza fest” was to unbutton my pants and nap.
God used this experience to remind me more of what He has in mind for me as my stopping point. If I live as though I might go running, aerobicizing, or jump roping after the meal, I am bound to stop in plenty of time. YAY!!!
“I am only human.”
This concept has been on my heart for a while. Basically, when I use the phrase “I am only human,” it is to *excuse* a behavior, attitude, or something I said.
Sure, it is a fact about my existence...I mess up...But....I want to find a way NOT to *admit* that I messed up...or find a way to justify that messing up is...well...*normal*...so I glibbly say "I am ONLY human!" (Usually with a bit of a defeated attitude, too....and for me...rebellion is there too when I say this....)
The truth is…I am NOT “only” human. I am human, yes….and that has some major drawbacks, to be sure. In fact, my human-ness seems to get in the way quite often!
However, because of the Lord Jesus Christ and what He did for me (and for you), I am not ONLY human!
Scripture teaches that I have been given EVERYTHING I need for life and godliness. (2 Peter 1:3) So, what is with my blaming my choice to sin on being "only human!"?
It is like I want to do what Flip Wilson used to do (a comedian from the 70s) "The Devil made me do it." Am I really trying to claim that I had no choice in the matter, but my "human-ness made me do it?" Ridiculous, isn't it?
The truth is, I no longer have to give in to my human-ness. I now have the freedom, by the power of the Holy Spirit, to CHOOSE to give in to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, who is resident in me. I have the ability and the responsibility. (See Romans 8)
Will I fail? Sure, but that doesn’t mean I am to use my humanity as an excuse for failure.
In fact, the Lord tells us “Be holy as I am holy.” (1 Peter 1:16) Woah. How holy is God, any how? Completely!
If I am supposed to be holy *as* He is holy, it basically is a biblical mandate for me to keep on keeping on, or as Paul says in Philippians to press on to reach the goal...nothing is worth keeping me from the goal. Holiness IS the goal--becoming Christ-like. It isn’t like I am human and should accept that I will live like a “mere mortal” with the occasional instance of doing something good or holy! Nope. Instead, I am called holy by God and now I am to live in accordance with the identity that HE gives to me. I will live making holy choices with *occasional* struggles with human-ness. NOT the other way around!
Before you think that I am a believer in achieving perfection on this earth....nope. I am not. The scriptures, while telling us God says we are to BE HOLY, also indicate that we won't achieve that until the day of Christ Jesus--Phil 1:6-- (or, as my dear Mother in Law often said..."When we get to glory!).
So why belabor this point???? Well, I have found that what I believe about my identity will radically affect how I behave. If I think of myself as “only human,” I am likely to live as “only human.” When someone says “I am only human” it usually comes with a defeated tone of voice, downcast, dejected. That AIN’T NO WAY TO LIVE!!!! I don't want to live a defeated "only human" kind of life, do you? Not when the Lord Jesus Christ has paid the price for the glory of God...a treasure beyond fathoming...to be resident within me. No thank you!
Instead, I can believe and KNOW…”I am superhuman!” Believing God about what He says He has done in me, is the key, here. Believe what GOD says...He says His Spirit is in me. He says that He has empowered me for life and godliness...So, if I believe it, I will have a totally different expectation and approach to life! And definitely to my eating!!!!
If I keep eating when I am not hungry, or continue eating when I am already satisfied and blame it on being "only human" that is totally BOGUS. As one dear friend says, Jesus laid down His life for me. Will I not lay down a little food? Especially when I consider that He has sent His Spirit to empower me to do great things? Will I really insist that setting down food is beyond His ability to cope with? Do I think I am beyond the grasp of the Holy Spirit's reach? Wow...I mean, this is GOD we are talking about! The one who causes the blind to see, stones to be rolled away and gives life to the dead! the one Who created the Heavens and the earth!!!
If I believe that the Spirit lives in me, then I will expect the Lord to empower me to LIVE in step with the Spirit with all of the fruit of the Spirit ripe and ready in my life! (Erm....this includes self-control!) So for me, I am done with excusing myself or my SIN as being all because (whine whine) “I am only human.”
That "ain't no way to live!!!"
