Hi, everyone. Wow...I can't believe all that God has done just in the four months since I found myself riding the wave of this journey...never intending on going for the ride, but here I am anyhow. I am SO thankful!!!!
The book writing is mostly behind us now. Judy and the pediatrician will be doing the final details, preparing the manuscript of Raising Fit Kids in a Fat World for the publisher's deadline of April 1. I have been SO blessed to be a part of another book project with Judy. She is such an amazing lady. God always shows me such unconditonal love through her. Grace flows from her. Even when I have been faithless, she has believed in me. She has looked past my failures and seen the potential that God can unleash in a heart set free. Thank you, Lord!
Anyhow, I have been involved in a wonderful online support group led by my dear friend, Pam Sneed. God seems to be prompting me to get involved in leading an online support group. I can hardly believe it given how skeptical I have been of such things! LOL! For me, face to face is MUCH better, but tonight in our support group chat, God showed up. Who was I to argue with that? Wow, it was amazing.
So now I get to try to follow in Pam's amazing example. Joe Donaldson of Thin Within has given me a list of people who have inquired about a support group. I hope it works out and that we will be able to start the week of April 8--just two weeks away!
I can't wait to see what God does.
Lord, please touch the hearts of the ladies that you want to have be a part of this new online support group. I pray that whoever you want will somehow be able to manage it in their schedule and be there. You have divinely orchestrated this time and this place. I am totally blown away at the privilege you have offered to me...that of facilitating a group. Thank you so much, Lord. May YOU be exalted. I trust you for what YOU will do and can't wait to see the adventure unfold!
Thank you, Lord, for the amazing time I have had working with Judy these past 5 weeks or so. I trust this material to your care. I can't wait until January 2008 to see it in print, Lord! May it be used of you to help 1000s of children from obesity and correlated diseases. Help parents to find hope, too.
Lord, help me to practice having a soft heart. I pray for the person who may be reading this prayer right now. I pray that her heart will be touched by the wind of your Spirit. I pray that they might know hope and godly conviction to press closer to you. I pray that she would invite you to remove the barriers in her life that stand against surrender and holy submission to your will and ways. May the reader of this prayer know deep in her heart it is SHE who is the heart of this prayer...may she sense the power of your presence and the provison of your unending grace. Give her victory over her enemies, Lord...even if she feels her number one enemy is herself. Show her that you delight over her with singing....you call her beautiful. In fact, you say in your word you are enthralled with her beauty.
Thank you Jesus for your sacrifice on the cross. It boggles my mind that you came to earth when you existed in holy perfect union with the Spirit and the Father. You took on flesh so that you might live the life of a servant and die the death of a criminal...all to set us free. May we walk in that freedom and never once look back. In your name I pray, Amen.
While I was sick, God showed me something...I mean, it seems really obvious, but it still seems profound to me.
Each choice I make--every single one--if I hear His voice and do not heed it, I am "practicing" having a hardened heart. I am living as one who has a hard heart. The best way to cultivate a hard heart is to act like I have one now. To hear him say, "No...don't eat now, you aren't hungry" and to eat anyhow. To hear him say, "I don't want you to drink a soda now" and to drink one anyhow. To hear him say "Call that friend" and to do something else with my time instead.
These are ways of cultivating or nuturing a hardened heart. I lived a long time in pride with a hard heart. Do I really want to "practice" having one again?
Instead, I choose to have a soft heart and when it doesn't seem soft, to act like it is. If I hear his voice, rather than arguing "But, Lord, are you sure?" I will in humility say, "Yes, Lord. I choose to submit to your will." It doesn't matter how small or insignificant it seems to be. Or how illogical. I will choose to nurture a soft heart. A soft heart responds at the slightest prompting of the Lord.
I choose to practice having a soft heart!
The last couple of days have been interesting.
First of all, yesterday my daughter and I had a BLAST clothes shopping at Kohl's! Oh my word! I can now buy clothes at a NORMAL store! This is VERY dangerous and will require that I submit my WILL to God who loves that I want to celebrate, but not that I would do it addictively! WHOO HOO!!!! I mean, how many comfy pair of jeans does a girl REALLY need? (Just one more, please, Lord???? I would love a pair of Levi's next...LOL!)
Michaela and I have similar tastes so we even bought the same shorts (just Levi shorts) in vastly different sizes of course and the same tops. How fun is that? :-) Additionally, i bought two more pairs of pants and a dressy shirt/jacket thing...well, not dressy compared to most peoples' standards, but since I usually wear sweatshirts, it is dressy for ME! LOL!
It is amazing how easy it would be to go bonkers and spend a lot of money on clothes. We did more than our fair share. Fortunately, I have a very understanding hubby.
Today I realized something. But I have to back up for a minute. I don't know if this is true or not, but in *my* experience it has seemed that as a heavy lady, most middle aged men treat heavy middle aged women almost with disdain. I have handled that by not looking at them or expecting anything of them. I have avoided them. But I think I have also generally just not looked at anyone...I realized that today when I thought, "Gosh, people--*men*--have been friendly and more chivalrous lately. I wonder why?" Well, maybe it is because I am looking UP and outward to others. Maybe *i* am being more friendly and so others are just reciprocating. I don't know for sure. I do know that Tina Hutton, while helping me with Harley in December, commented to me that I don't look up when I walk. I knew then it was shame...but it was also a way of avoiding that judgment that often seems to be there when people look at a heavy person with what sure seems to be disdain. i can avoid that when I don't look up.
I know I look up more now. But it is sad to me that it takes me physically releasing weight to be willing to step out of shame...and to be willing to smile and be friendly with those who may need a friendly face. Goodness, the Lord of GLORY resides in me no matter WHAT size I am! if that isn't a reason to look up and smile, I don't know what IS!!!!!
Anyhow, NO MORE SHAME!!!!!
And I LOVE MY NEW CLOTHES! :-D
New thing to deal with...being sick. Haven't been sick in over 6 months. Yesterday I couldn't tell when I was hungry and when I wasn't. I knew some of my misery was flu symptoms and some of it was hunger. It wasn't the throw-up kind of flu, but the kind you need to be near the toilet. :-( Anyhow, today I am asking God to really help me to hear His Spirit clearly. I am feeling pretty well.
The vacation didn't happen. Well, hubby and Daniel went off to go to Monterey, but my daughter and I--the sickies--have been staying home. We hope to head into town today for lunch and shopping. Here's hoping we don't over do it!
Lord, please help me to be obedient and heed your still small voice with joy.
Amen.
On Saturday morning, I felt God invite me to step on the scale to see what He had done. That surprised me as Sundays have been my "weigh day," but I had promised the Lord I wouldn't weigh even on Sundays until He gave me permission, since I had become rather fixated on numbers...
So, I stepped on and there it was...I had released enough weight to bring the total to 50 gone since mid-November! Talk about blown away! That was fun and encouraging, though I still wasn't into the next "set" of numbers... :-( There I was, being blessed by God and I was wondering why it couldn't have been just one tiny pound more. What an ingrate!!!!
Sigh...
Yesterday, I felt like God tested me A LOT. I haven't had a day like that before. The past couple of days have been intense for me with the writing deadline and the upcoming vacation. I have thought of food a lot when I wasn't hungry...that old feeling of "I need something to eat." It has surprised me. I have met it with "Am I hungry?" "No, I'm not..." Then I have wondered what is up with all of that! I still don't know the answer, so maybe some of the testing has come because God wants me to see just how much He has accomplished in me.
Breakfast, he asked me to eat half of what I usually do. I knew that would be ok, since if I got hungry again before church, I could eat again. I did, on both accounts. So that went ok. But lunch...well, it was like I just started eating...and it was SOOOOOOO good. My half of the burger and fries that hubs and I split...I took the "small half" but nevertheless after about three bites (ARG!!!) God asked me almost audibly... "Do you love me more than these?" Oh nuts....well, I gave hubby the rest.
Later, it happened when I began to eat the tiniest brownie when I was hungry. Mid bite, he asked me to put the rest down....
I did.
Yes, Lord...these ARE demonstrations of a the amazing way you have been working in my life. Thank you so much for setting me free....
I waited all evening for hunger....and it didn't come. I had planned what dinner would be. Everyone fended for themselves yesterday because of my being sequestered in my room to write, so there was no pressure on me to make something if I wasn't hungry. I really thought I would get to eat dinner....it wasn't until 9pm when I got hungry. I had a tiny something...really...tiny...and ate it...and God said to give half of THAT to the dogs!!!! WHAT????
I must say that while I obeyed, I didn't do so with joy. I wish I could say it was with a joyful heart, but the joyful heart *did* come afterwards...long afterwards.
Yesterday was definitely a different sort of experience for me. I want my heart to be totally given away to God all the time, whether I am being tested or not. I want to respond to the Lord with joy all the time. That is my heart. I want to be grateful that it takes so little to sustain me. It really blows me away that, with as active as I am, it doesn't take more to sustain me. It floors me. I am thankful for that and I am thankful for the ways he has been at work in me. I am also thankful that he has released me from the captivity of 50 pounds of weight.
Thank you, Lord.
I was taking the time to clean (gasp!) my kitchen this morning. I discovered a pan of brownies that hadn't been completely eaten. All that was left were my favorite parts--the edges. I couldn't believe it. It must have been there, I hate to admit, for a week! Has God done a work in me or what?
Last week when the kids and I were eating out (something that we are reducing the frequency of), I wanted a grilled chicken sandwich. I felt like I just couldn't handle a burger or fried chicken or the other options I usually have. We went to a place that offered that and I had half of that and one french fry. MIRACLE! I didn't even want more fries. I didn't even want the one, but thought that it sure seemed weird of COURSE I want the fries...nope. I had one and felt YUCK, so didn't have any more.
Another thing that has happened lately...if I am busy like in the middle of stuff (happening a lot lately with as busy as I am) and I get to a "0"...I don't stop everything to go feed the 0. It is so bizarre to realize that I don't panic at 0 any more. This, too, is a total miracle. I find myself hanging out at 0 not because I want to control it or "ride the 0" as I don't believe that is godly at all...but because I don't *have* to drop everything to have the very coveted chance to eat...I used to lust literally for 0 so I could eat. It just isn't that big of a deal...most of the time, anyhow. Isn't that weird?
If you knew me, you would know it is. God IS doing a new thing! When I named this blog, I did so fearful....I was afraid to believe Him for a new thing...wow. He is doing a TRUCKLOAD of new things! THANK YOU LORD!
Wow. God is sure working on me. All sorts of things are in the works.
- He has caused--enabled--me to SIGNIFICANTLY reduce my diet soda intake (both caffeine-free and regular diet). This is huge...I knew he would have to change my heart radically and He did and is.
- He has actually been causing me to scrutinize the "what" of my eating--to try to be more aware of the saturated fats in things. I don't want to end up with clogged arteries and high cholesterol and all of that. Eating fried foods 0 to 5 is still not the most beneficial choice. 1 Corinthians 6:12 speaks to this: "All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial. All things are permissible but I will not be mastered by anything." If I can't or won't say no to fried chicken (or whatever it may be) it seems as though not only is that not beneficial, but it also demonstrates that it has mastery over me.
- My family members are getting on board for some of these changes. I guess the kids don't have much choice, but I am asking them for their input and trying to consider it. Some of what we are doing is due, in part, to my writing about this stuff right now. It is so convicting to realize that what my kids eat, with MY PERMISSION and ENDORSEMENT, is causing my son's teeth enamel to erode, his skin to break out like crazy and who knows what else. It just isn't right for me to lead my children into sin like this. I mean, the food isn't evil, but not putting it in its place is a problem. It is a stronghold if all we will eat is fried stuff. My kids are thin and all, but I feel like I am setting them up for a lifetime of eating fatty stuff...what will happen when they aren't under my supervision? Daniel will live at the drive-through for fried chicken, french fries and onion rings! Michaela might be just as bad! :-(
- God wants to accomplish a lot yet ahead. I was convicted after reading another TW participant's post this morning that I should not get on the scale again until I receive God's explicit permission. I must let go of insisting that the scale should move downward all the time. *I* know in my heart of hearts if I have been obedient. He testifies to my heart. The scale doesn't have the right to affirm me or not. I will not look to it for approval. So, I will wait on the Lord to say I have his permission. I won't even hang on to my "right" for a once a week weigh in, claiming that it is a godly choice. If he says NO in the moment, it isn't godly!
- In the online support group meeting last night, one of the participants said that she has vowed that, before each eating occasion, she will say "I will submit to Your will" as a prayer to God. Wow! I am asking God to help me to remember to do this, too...as it is a great idea.
- God has asked me to re-evaluate my eating. I am going to be sure that I stop when the Lord tells me to. Right now, 5 is beyond that point. This morning I stopped when he said and I was hungry again very soon after, but that is ok. This is a walk of trust.
All for now. I need to get back to work!
I have been working through my lesson this week in the Thin Within workbook. I am a part of an online support group led by dear Pam Sneed that meets on Mondays. We are on week 8 I believe it is. It is so ironic that years ago, I wrote the first release of this material. It is still so fresh and new to me. Familiar, yes....but whether it is all the skilled hands since my initial writing that have made it fresh and new, or simply the Holy Spirit quickening it to my heart, it is amazing to me.
Today, day three, of the week eight, was from the Lord for me. With the increased convictions in my heart regarding developing an ability to make healthier choices with my eating, I have begun to realize that I will need to get some professional help. I want someone who is godly--a Christian is a must--but someone who is experienced with this sort of thing.
It dawned on me that years ago, when my husband and I were not yet married, we met a man who is a psychologist. As part of our pre-marriage counseling with the pastor who married us, we had to have an evaluation done by this psychologist. I can't remember why, but it had come up that I had these issues with foods due to abuse at the dinner table and focused on foods my parents wanted me to eat. At the time, I remember him saying something that led me to believe he would like to help me with it.
So now, 23 or so years after meeting that psychologist, I remember that conversation and looked him up on the web. I may call him today and set up an appointment.
I have such overwhelming fear about this. You see, I can't even *get* to the taste of these foods because the smells and sight of the foods cause such an overwhelming response. I know it is the memories associated with it. But you would think I could cope with putting a small bite in my mouth. I associate tasting things with abuse, I guess. So I suppose it makes sense. Anyhow, I fear even trying to do this on my own. The darkness that seems to shroud the possibilities...yikes. I just can't go there.
Yet fear can be an idol, too. If I allow fear to dictate what I will or won't do, am I not actually allowing fear the role that only God should have in my life?
These thoughts were all on my mind as I woke up this morning and turned to my Thin Within bible study that was on Gideon. The very first things that I am asked in this lesson, based on Judges 6:11-16 are:
- How did Gideon's location conflict with God's declaration to Him?
God called Gideon a mighty warrior. Yet he was hiding in a winepress because of the Midianites that were destroying all that the Israelites sought to make, build, create. Gideon was fearful...hiding...and yet God called him "Mighty Warrior." Hmm.... Then I was asked:
- Are you "hiding out in a winepress," living in fear based on our external circumstances?
Wow. That hit the nail on the head. If I don't call this psychologist...if I just let this blow by and try not to follow my convictions...I will be doing precisely that. It is what I have done all these years.
- From where was Gideon's strength to come? How was Gideon tempted to respond? Reflect on your own powerlessness and helplessness in the area of eating and losing weight. But don't stay there! Lay this down before the Lord so that you will experience all he has given you...
This, again, sure hits the nail on the head. God isn't asking me to look at the mountain that the former abuse represents in my life. He isn't asking me scale that mountain. He is only asking me to go in the strength that I have now. Can I pick up the phone and call this doctor? Yes. Good, then that is the strength I have and I am to do that. Taking one step at a time in humble obedience (key is actually on humble for me as it is almost impossible to be disobedient if I am humble and impossible to be obedient if I am prideful).
The Lord goes on to answer all of Gideon's objections by saying in verse 16, "I will be with you and you will strike down all the Midianites together."
What an amazing series of events. Gideon was hiding in a winepress, afraid of even being seen. God calls him a mighty warrior. God then tells him to go in what little strength he has and that because God is with him all the foes will be vanquished.
Sounds pretty personal for me today.
Thank you, Lord.
Something that God is really laying on my heart as I continue down this path is that when I make eating all about only what tastes good, that is catering to my flesh. This is my personal conviction and I am still struggling with how to handle it...it isn't cut and dry for me, personally, because of things in my past. Indulging my flesh in what tastes good (as the only consideration) within the parameters of 0 to 5 is *still* catering to my flesh! 0 to 5 doesn't make eating whatever I want "righteous" for me.
God has given me a brain. I don't need anyone to tell me what I should or shouldn't eat and in what amounts (a diet or diet law), but I know that even if the Burger King Stacker burger tastes fabulous and is "permissible" for me to have because I am free in Christ, it is NOT beneficial. It is a heart attack on a plate.
God doesn't want me to check my brain at the door. He wants me to be informed and then invite the Holy Spirit to direct my choices. To be truthful, if I am really walking in the Spirit then I will not always choose foods (even if I am at 0) based merely on how they taste. I will take into account other things too, as the Lord leads me uniquely and personally.
Thin Within teaches that we move from the initial freedom phase to a phase 2 --this is a big difference between TW and other similar programs, btw. Phase 2 teaches us to use discernment about what we eat when we are at 0. We begin evaluating how various foods make us feel when we eat them...what sustains us, what doesn't. What makes us feel agitated. (This goes for beverages, too...)
If we are going to insist that because a food is "permissible"--it is something I have the freedom to enjoy as much as I want 0 to 5--If I am going to insist that because I am free and at a 0 that it then follows that it is something that the Lord grants me permission to eat...well, frankly, that is sinful for me...plain and simple. My personal conviction is that God doesn't want me to continue making regular (constant) meals out of foods that are all about flavor and offer detriment to me potentially...like things high in saturated fats, for instance.
I believe he would have me develop discernment to (for example) select chicken that is baked or grilled instead of fried as a matter of routine. I am *free* to eat the fried, but I am free NOT to eat it, too. If my routine is that of eating fried chicken (I must confess that it has been...a very small amount each time, but God is convicting me even of that...), is that the wisest, most beneficial thing?
The better question to me these days as God is working on my heart is, do I *have* to eat *that*? Or am I free *from* eating it? The third part of Thin Within and of that verse about what is permissible and beneficial is "I will not be mastered by anything."
My goal is not to be mastered by brownies, chocolate, pizza, fried chicken...whatever it might be. CAN I live without those things? What about cheese enchiladas? Hot fudge sundaes? Yes, it is *permissible* for me to have them, but it isn't the best choice for me. If I have high blood pressure and insist on fried chicken and french fries as staples of my existance, I am not being a good steward of my body--even if I eat these things 0 to 5. That isn't exercising my freedom in a godly way...that is claiming grace so that I might sin all the more.
Further, if I insist that I don't have to give something up fried chicken and french fries, maybe I am being mastered by it...does it own me? Can I live without it?
These things are a vast departure where many of us existed while involved in other programs that encouraged us to eat between the parameters of hunger and satisfaction. Sadly, these things that are taught with TW get buried beneath our relishing of "our freedom" to eat whatever we want. For me, it has been buried because I didn't *want* to let God have the things that I soooo enjoy eating. Now he is making it clear he is calling me to step up, to somehow be willing to believe him that he can cause emotional healing in my life (much needed) so that I can eat things I have never been able to before--things that will promote *health* in my body.
If I am going to offer myself to the Lord, my eating, my sustenance...my choices...I give all my rights away and I ask him prayerfully what *He* wants me to feed my body. He will be faithful to tell me. Sometimes he will tell me I need more information so that I can understand what the best choice is...Maybe that causes me to read the nutrition information for the "chicken selects" at McDonalds and realize that these tasty morsels offer flavor at quite an expense. Arteries can still get clogged and hearts can stop beating...and I don't want to regularly eat anything that will contribute to that happening and declare it "freedom in Christ."
Struggling with living this out,
heidi
LOL! I don't want anyone to think I am not posting to the blog because I am derailed. No! NO WAY! God has a hold of my heart...it blows me away even still.
Our online support group met last night and it was SO AMAZING to see how God is at work in our midst! We had a slow start and I know some of the ladies were discouraged, but last night we had a chance to share the way God is affecting change in our hearts *and* in our choices...WHOO HOO!!!
Last night I had a late dinner and I guess I must have wolfed down my food....I realized about 10 minutes afterward that I was uncomfortable! I haven't felt like that in SO long that I didn't like it! But worse, it broke my heart to realize that I hadn't even paused long enough to pay attention the Lord during my meal. I am not used to that either. He has become a constant guest at my table. I relish closeness with him...I love that he has used food to remind me of his constant closeness and concern about my life. Something that the enemy meant for evil...my misuse of food...God has taken to draw me closer to Him. God is amazing! I was so broken to realize my error and definitely observed and corrected, confessed and repented.
I think I will return to a habit that I had previously when applying TW principles. It is that I *always* will leave some of my food. No matter how small my portion, I will leave two bites--one for each dog. :-) I have found that when I am thinking about which two bites I will leave (I can leave more if I want) it slows me down as I eat. Isn't that silly? LOL!
So, today has gone well. Breakfast was a smaller than I thought would be enough portion of my favorite granola cereal with almonds. Boy, that cereal packs a punch. It sustains me so well.
Taking Daisy, the Pirahna Puppy, to agility class, I got hungry. Not the best option, I stopped and got some mini-nutter butter cookies and some almonds. I had about 10 almonds and 5 mini-cookies and was good! wrapped them back up and they are still in my car...unfinished. That is SO not like the me in the past. In fact, this has happened quite frequently. I know God is doing a new thing if for no other reason than stale snacks in my backpack! Before, I would eat them til they were gone!
Lunch was a small sandwich...so yummy and while I wasn't at a 5 or even a 4 I stopped so the pups could have the last two bites, which amounted to about a third of the sandwich. LOL! After working out in the horse pasture moving 3 tons (literally) of gravel, I was famished...had a little tiny corner (1 inch if that) of brownie and that shaved the edge off my hunger. Waiting for hubs to come home so we can have dinner and I will be ready!
Working with Judy on this latest book for kids is really reminding me of some important things...God is so at work with me to realize that there are changes I need to and want to make. While I *have* been making some better choices with what I eat, I can't eat fruit or veggies (veggies I can eat only in fresh salsa) because of some issues from my childhood. Things I have wanted to be healed of and have never....resulting in gag reflex when certain foods even come close to me...smell and sight of them makes me start being sick.
Thing is...God is doing and wants to continue to do such a new thing that maybe he will even cause me to be able to eat things that I have never been able to eat without fear and that nasty physical reaction...I need to believe Him for it...and do my part.
If you think of me, please pray that God will truly do a massive new thing. I so desperately want to be able to eat things that grow fresh from the ground....oh it would be such a joy to be able to do that....I know God can cause it to happen and I am totally willing...er...I think.
Heidi
