God Is Doing a New Thing

God has shown me recently that I continue to have an ungodly attachment to food. Granted, not like it was, but I haven't yet experienced total freedom. I know that it pleases him for me to delight in meals that are God-ordained. But I am really blown away by how little it takes to sustain by body. I am so thankful that I have a supportive family that doesn't obsess about how little I am eating. I am plenty healthy. Gosh, I haven't been sick at all this year...not since last spring (I think)...not really.

God has shown me that the tiny little snack-wrap, for instance, that I buy at McDonalds when we go is actually a bit more than I need most of the time. What a great surprise! I just assumed that McDonalds can tell me how much I need to eat! LOL! So now, I have been leaving the last 1/4 or so of the snack wrap and tossing it in the trash...I do that before we are done with the meal so that I won't eat it while I wait for others to finish. Next thing is I want to learn to slow down my eating so much that I pace myself to finish when others do.

Releasing more food and more weight...the best part of it is my heart is lighter.

Boy...yesterday was horrible. I turned my back on the Lord--the lover of my soul. Ok, it didn't start out as blatant rejection and a hard heart, but that is where it was by the end of the day! BAH!

I had terrible gas all day. Not sure why. That made it pretty tough to feel hunger. BUT, when in doubt, I know better than to just throw food down my throat. I used it as an excuse.

I was massively hungry between Sunday School and the church hour and had a donut. I think that was the last time I felt hunger all day long. :-/

Hubby wanted to go out for lunch and I told him I wouldn't be hungry for a long while. At 1pm I thought I was hungry, though...briefly. But it went away and I should have waited. I decided to eat anyhow. I cut our burger so I had a tiny "half" off the side and fries, but I know I wasn't eating 0 to 5, I just at it because.

Then throughout the day, I began to grab at tidbits of food. Not a lot, but that has never been the point. It isn't the what or how much of the food. It is the WHY and the hardening of the heart when God whispers His desire to me.

I ended the night with mounds of salsa...which I justified as being the only way I eat vegetables. But GOD said NO! Again, I turned my back (and I KNEW I was turning my back)...and I chased the VERY hot salsa with ice cream...good grief.

There were two things that struck me powerfully:

1. The shame that came flowing freely back into my life. Wow.

2. The fact that pride really was at the root of all of this...doing what I wanted with my body, thank you very much.

There is NO room for these things in my life if I am to continue to walk FAITHFULLY with the Lord and live free forever.

So, today, observe and correct. If "gas" keeps the signals for hunger unclear, I won't eat. Plain and simple. I will ask GOD if I can eat...and stop when he says. I will practice today having a soft heart and perhaps then I will once again. I have felt this rebellion coming on for a while. I should have been on my guard, but I guess I just didn't WANT to be.

Ever onward.

Hubby and I bought a blood pressure monitor. I had been having a lot of dizzy spells, so thought it prudent to start monitoring my blood pressure. Hubs' blood pressure has been going up recently...another reason for a BP monitor...to see what is going on with him.

Anyhow, since I started monitoring my BP, I have been floored at the consistency of the lower readings.

Just now after resting a few minutes after exercise, I took my BP and it was 104 over 62 with 73 pulse...after exercise, I was a bit surprised.

Often, my BP is below 110 (systolic) and 70 (diastolic).

I have been on medicines for my blood pressure, so I hope that when I go for my next physical, the meds might be reduced significantly.

Yay and praise the Lord. :-)

Last night I had a chance to see again that while there are times when Oreos may scream at me loudly, by the same token and MORE of note is how far He has brought me with regarind food as an idol to bow down to and worship. Last night we ate at what is probably my favorite *local* (relatively speaking...when you are out in the country, nothing is local) Mexican restaurant.

I ordered a full meal knowing I would take much of it home. I had no idea how much. The salsa was exceptional...but I had just a few chips loaded with salsa...how weird is that? One way that the Lord has definitely worked deliverance is that I don't mindlessly eat chips and salsa with my meals out like I used to. I absolutely LOVED and relished the portion I *did* have, but I didn't feel deprived at stopping.

When my two cheese enchildadas came with the beans and rice, I knew it wouldn't take much to satisfy me. After 1/2 way through the first enchilada, with about 1/3rd of the beans and rice consumed, I was good. I felt GOOD. I stopped and didn't mess with it even though the waitress didn't bring the to go container for a while.

THIS IS DELIVERANCE! :-) More so, the joy that I had doing this...the fact that I didn't feel deprived...that is all evidence of God at work. In fact, I rejoiced that I would have enough food for two more meals (or maybe 3) at home from the leftovers!

Thank you, Lord, for caring about even these small things....they really are indicative of HUGE changes in my life. THANK YOU!

A few nights ago, I wanted two Oreos. I mean, I wanted two Oreos...BADLY. In fact, I could toy around with "Am I hungry?" and justify saying..."Well, sure." Or I could justify eating the Oreos by drawing on my vast dieting knowledge "I haven't had many calories today , so surely the two Oreos won't make a difference in my weight..."

I had forgotten that THIS IS NOT ABOUT WEIGHT! This is about my heart. It is about WHO WILL I HEED?

Do I really want to obey the call of the Oreos over the call of God?

Saying it like that really makes it sound as absolutely ridiculous as it is! But, SHOOT, those Oreos sure sounded GOOD!

I got the Oreos, I got a mug for milk. Then it hit me...again..."Child...will you choose something I have not given you the freedom to enjoy with my blessing?"

OUCH. I knew without a doubt I didn't have the freedom to eat those Oreos.

I did something weird. I didn't debate. I didn't think about it or rationalize.

Weird for me...

I put the Oreos back and went and brushed my teeth and went to bed.

Go figure.

It occurred to me that this is a HUGE difference. When I hear his voice so clearly as I did in that moment, I didn't argue with him. Hmm...I think there is a key there. I just did it.

The best thing is I know that the cookies aren't the issue. It is listening for and heeding God's voice. It is choosing to practice having a soft heart. I am still pretty amazed that I did that. I hadn't felt so drawn to something in a while and so clearly heard his voice telling me I was making a choice to hearken the voice of the Oreos or hearken to HIS voice.

I wish it would be that clear all the time.

I think the more I respond to Him willingly...the more I...*submit* to Him, the more likely I am to do so again. I trust that the work He is doing in me will continue (Philippians 1:6).

Thank you, Lord, for helping me to choose you over...erm...gulp...sigh...two Oreos. Sounds so crazy... :-/

The question about constantly thinking about food and struggling with obsessing about 0 and 5 has come up on a Yahoo group I am a part of.

If you identify with anything you read here, please don't beat yourself up over it. God doesn't want us to beat ourselves over our own heads. He wants us to confess and repent. Observe and correct. We agree with God and choose to change. Each moment matters. Each moment offers a choice to agree with God or turn our backs on His voice. We can observe and correct and press on, period. It doesn't have to be a long drawn out process. :-)

God offers us freedom. God offers us His peace. He is our authority and when we submit to his authority, we find peace...amazing peace.

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I have found that, for me, obsessing about food, 0, 5, the scale...anything...often has its roots in one or two (or both) things:

1. Making hunger and satisfaction more difficult than it actually needs to be.

2. Dieting mentality that I cling to.

Let me explain...

What I have found for me is this: Most of the time, if I am honest, hunger and satisfaction are much simpler than I make it.

The difficulty comes with....I don't *like* the answer. What do I mean by that? Well, that it simply doesn't take that much food for me to manage in this life (and I live a VERY active life and have little extra weight left now). I *want* more food. So I tend to fudge that "Am I at a 0? Gosh, I want to be at 0. Maybe I can really convince myself I *am* at a 0...I must be at a 0 because I want food and I haven't eaten in 2 hours...sure, I am at a 0...erm...aren't I? Besides, I exercised today! Yep, I am at a 0!"

(Do you hear the obsession in this line of thinking?)

I hope it is obvious that this is also deception. Catering to these thoughts not only leads me to believing lies, but it also feeds the obsession (thinking about food all the time or wondering if I am at a 0 or 5 all the time).

One of the things God has shown me is if I want this leg of my journey to be different than all the other times I have "dieted" or even "done Thin Within," if I want it to "stick for life," I have to be willing to admit truth. So God's truth in this area for me that He has shown me is...I seem to WANT figuring this out to be difficult because I don't want to let loose of the food. If it is simple, then I have no "excuse" for not letting go of more food!

OUCH! (Remember, if you can identify, don't beat yourself up, but just observe and correct!) (NO, I am NOT talking about being anorexic!! We eat WHENEVER we are hungry!!!)

It is easy to lie to myself about a 5, too... "Am I already satisfied? Gosh, that can't be! I have only had 6 bites! Surely, I can't be at a 5 already. No way...I can't be...right? No, a few more bites before I stop...but surely that won't put me past a 5! Oh, NO! Am I *past* a 5? Surely not!"

More obsession...see what I mean? :-o

Each time I engage in this kind of thinking, I muddy the clarity of understanding my body, again shutting off the hunger/satisfied mechanism that God wants to use to guide me on this journey FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. It prolongs everything! This isn't a diet! The sooner I am honest and listen to my body as it teaches me about my personal hunger and satisfaction and the feelings associated with each physically, the sooner I can be on about living the rest of my life this way!!! There IS freedom there!!!

Further, when I deceive myself about 0 or 5, this feeds the obsessions with food and 0 and 5 and other stuff. It doesn't take long before I hop on and off the scale obsessively. When I fudge about 0 and 5, I want to get on the scale to prove that I have gotten away with eating that way when inside I KNOW that I didn't really wait for 0 and I know I didn't stop when I could have. GOD WILL TELL ME the truth! All I have to do is ask ask ask ask ask and respond to his voice.

That is the first thing that leads to obsessive thoughts for me.

The second point is the dieting mentality that I might struggle with from my past or struggle with now because I keep clinging to it intentionally.

For me, when I was thinking about food all the time, it had a lot to do with my associations with dieting. I came out of years of dieting, having managed the food. I *had* to think about it all the time when I was dieting. I had to plan, count, calculate! I counted this or that, graphed it, charted it, counted percentages and proportions and tried to match them at each meal. It is hard to shake that. But, after a while, when I stopped trying to control what and how much I ate according to what makes "dieting sense" and just trusted that God would use my body and the voice of the Holy Spirit to guide me, the obsession went away! I can honestly say I do not think of food now unless I am hungry (and sometimes not even then, depending on what I am doing at the time). I used to, so this is a huge work of God in my life. Before, I couldn't STOP thinking about it. That came with dieting. Thin Within is not a diet. The sooner we make the break from any and all things that make it feel that way, the sooner the obsession will dissipate! Honest! :-)

God promises that we WILL walk free of all of it. We WILL. He promises that we will be FREE from captivity. It is a FACT. It isn't a MAYBE!

Will we believe him?

Trying to control everything ourselves...in fact trying to control ANYthing ourselves is believing a lie. Romans 6: 21-22 says this: "What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life." Why would I want to cling to the things of the past that led my heart astray? I don't have a clue why. God doesn't need them to set me free!

I have been SO ashamed when I have gained weight back. Can anyone else identify? What benefit did I really ever reap from dieting? I lost weight, but it always found me again! For me, after 110 pounds lost with Weight Watchers and running marathons and going to a gym constantly (and and and), my heart was SO chained to food...THESE are the things that caused my obsession! I believe strongly we have to break totally free from that former way of life that didn't work for us. It didn't do anything but lead us further into deception. In fact, I had a season where I could not even exercise at ALL because of the obsessive thoughts I had. God showed me that it was fine. If I don't exercise, it won't matter for hunger and fullness. I will still eat when I am hungry and stop when I am not. He would still use that to direct me. SUCH FREEDOM!

I have a choice before me...each of us does...THIS DAY...RIGHT NOW: Will you (will *I*) covenant with God that we will eat what our body needs when it needs it, only eat as much as it needs, and run to him for every other impulse that would draw us to food? Or will I (you) continue to insist on doing it MY way, MY food, with MY body...????

I believe that this is key to being free from obsession.

I am so concerned that we see that much of our obsessive thoughts and struggle to understand 0 or 5 is because we keep piddling around with God about this. (I know that is a harsh way of saying it. If there is truth in this statement, please just observe and correct as God leads.) Hunger is HUNGER! Yes, if I have shut off the signals with years of dieting it may take some time to figure it out, but if I have been at this any length of time at all, I probably *know* in my heart of hearts if I am being honest about this or not. Do I really want to keep lying to myself? It works against me. What benefit is there in this? :-(

At our support group meeting last night, here is a verse one lady shared:
Isaiah 42: 16 (God speaking)
"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. "

Look at the things God says HE WILL DO!!! He leads us on a path that bears NOTHING IN COMMON WITH THE WAY OF THE PAST...nothing in common with dieting. He will make light fall on our path. He will make the rough places smooth. Do I believe Him for it?

The obessions WILL leave. We just have to commit to God's path for this. If we do, we will walk in freedom...inside and out.

I am the biggest rebel known to man...God has done it in me, so I know it can be done in ANYone.

Praying for all of us to walk in the freedom that has already been purchased.

Some have asked me what has made the difference in my return to applying the principles this time with Thin Within compared to all the times before. I found something I wrote November 18th, just a couple of weeks after God coaxed me :-) into sharing about Thin Within with an online group of horse women who had never heard of the "non-diet approach." They had absolutely no experience with waiting for hunger and stopping when satisfied and going to God for everything else. It was bizarre that they "discovered" my connection to TW and more bizarre that I was so heavy and not even *close* to walking with God in this area (and thus in my entire life...everything was out of whack). When they found out I had been involved with it, they were intrigued and asked me to lead them...brother. God has a sense of humor. :-)

Right away, he showed me something profound...God removed 10 pounds almost over night. That floored me of course. I wrote this:

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(Regarding the weight released...)
"That is exciting, yes.

"But more exciting to me is what God has been doing in my heart. He has moved a huge mountain in my heart. There is still much work to do, but he is doing it. I had no idea just how connected my attitude was to what I was willing to let go of food wise. I think I had this attitude that I could "punish" God somehow for some things that I have been angry at Him about. I was trying to "make him pay" by eating what I wanted when I wanted. This is true confessions...I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous. I didn't realize, of course, that this is what I was doing...

"I see it now."

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I have no idea if anyone else can identify, but as I began to work through the forgiveness material...well, I realized while I had kept pretty "up to date records" with regards to people, I hadn't with God. I was filled with resentment toward *God* about lots of things. This is a truth that is hard for many of us "good Christian women" to admit. Sometimes we feel angry at *God* and feel we *shouldn't* so rather than admit the truth and process it we keep shoving it aside or call it something else. This is deception. We simply have to be willing to see truth if we are going to conquer overeating and contempt for ourselves and our bodies. Or I believe that anyhow.

Some keys for me have been:
1.) I must be willing to face truth and deal with it...not "sugar coat" it or turn away. Jesus said that knowing he truth is connected to being set free and I have found this is true.

2.) I must PRAISE God...if I don't want in humility, I will return to my sin...my way, my food, my (so-called) wisdom...so in order to feed a heart that is focused on God as good and to put pride to death, I work consistently (and it is work) on gratitude. Right now, I do this, in part, through a blog where I just type in almost daily things I am grateful for. I tell you, this has transformed this journey for me...it is amazing.

3.) I must hate sin, not just avoid sin. It is easy to minimize eating when my body doesn't need food as not being sin..."Not compared to 'really bad' sins, Lord!" But the truth is, each time I ignore the voice of His Spirit, it is rebellion. It doesn't matter what it is about. God hates rebellion in any form and when I choose my way instead of His, it is pride again. Pride is at the root of my having gained weight back in the past. It is at the root of the struggles I have had with the material "clicking" in the past...so any way that I can get rid of it is helpful (see #1 and #2 above...all three of these are about pride!).

Anyhow, I don't know if this helps anyone. It is no magic pill...in fact, this is tough to swallow, but for me, the deep changes that God has brought this time have been very much related to these three things....and I daresay that doing these three things could transform *any* life. Just a guess.

Here is another "Before" picture. I found it yesterday. The horse I am with is Harley. This was taken last summer. Thank you, Lord, that I don't live in the fears I had when I carried this much extra weight! Thank you that I FEEL so much better inside and out. But for the grace of God...

Observation and correction time.

The family went to the tennis courts late after hubby got home. Dinner was put off so we could play before it got too dark. My son got irritated out the wazoo about stuff and that tweaked me and put my shorts in a bunch. :-/ Such a godly humble response! NOT!

Came home and continued preparing the mexican feast which I typically eat within appropriate parameters. God has done such an amazing work.

Hubby was whipping up some fresh salsa and since the kids were hiding out in their room, his typical "taste tester" (our daughter) wasn't available. I tasted the salsa and it was SOOOOOO good I had more tastes...and then more. I justify no restraint, I suppose, because I literally do not eat a vegetable unless it is in salsa. Knowing that vegetables are good for me (rationalize rationalize...) I kept tasting. I knew that I was rapidly using up my 0-5 eating space in my stomach for chips and salsa and that would normally be fine, but I KNEW I wanted to have some chicken, rice, beans, etc., etc., before my meal was over.

The upshot...I blew it. I think this is a 6...or maybe I would even call it a 7 because I HATE THIS FEELING. I don't even like a 5, as I have mentioned before.

So observe and correct:

Observation: I got emotional (emotional eating about struggles with Daniel have been a habit of my past)...

Planned Correction next time: Be ready. As soon as a conflict happens with my son, I should hit my knees (sooner would be good) so that I won't have an arrogant attitude.

Observation: there are more...but I set this down to put Michaela to bed and that was an hour ago...now I am too tired to think...

Lord, forgive me my arrogant, self-righteous attitude. I see that it allowed me to slip into some bad habits. Humble me, Lord .

Today at church was the first time that people asked me “How are you doing it?” (meaning the weight ). I never have a good answer to this question. I want a chance to say something like this: “By eating when I am hungry, stopping when I am not and going to God about all the other things that make me feel like I have to eat!” Typically, before I get the last part out about God, I get interrupted about which foods they feel they shouldn't eat or they start saying things about not being emotional eaters or whatever. I really want my testimony to focus on the Lord…so I guess I have to try something a bit different like, “Turning to God with everything that draws my heart to food and asking for *his* solution. If I am hungry, I eat. When I am no longer hungry, I stop….” Or something like that. It was nice to have a chance to share with people about how God has been at work, but nuts! I wanted to really be ready with a more adequate answer. I will have to work on this!

Today was a good day to see some serious changes that God has been working in me. Today was the first time in YEARS that I have been in a Black Angus restaurant (steak house). My Mom wanted to pay for lunch for all of us. In the past, I would have plunged myself into the beef…the prime rib (or Filet Mignon or baby back ribs!) and the soup ahead of time…the potato, the bread…and the dessert…ALL my own to eat for ME thank you very much!

This time, as I looked ahead at the meal, I realized that beef is less appealing to me. That seems weird, given I have always been a “steak and potato” girl. I realized that over the past months, I have been eating more chicken—and grilled at that. Even eating half of the barbeque bacon burger hubby and I have grabbed in town each week for our big “hot” date out has been unappealing to me in the past few weeks. Beef just seems so “heavy” or something. This is soooo bizarre!

God has changed my desires. I actually ordered the grilled chicken today. Seems so WEIRD! I could have had Filet Mignon! LOL! Go figure!

I think the whole family was at MAJOR ZERO by the time we got to the restaurant! While waiting, the bread came first and OH MY WORD! I loved it! A tiny piece of that sweet brown goodness slathered with butter…yum. The soup came and I had three spoonfuls of steak soup….uh oh…it was so filling I knew I had to stop if I wanted to enjoy the main course! LOL!

When the chicken and baked potato arrived, I had a couple of bites of the chicken covered in barbeque sauce and about 8-10 bites of potato…While it was REALLY good, it was easy enough to stop, as there was a promise of desert .

We ordered two deserts to be shared amongst the five of us. OOOOOOoooooh….very good….one was the Mile High Mud Pie and one was the Double Decadence Chocolate Fudge Cake or something like that served with chocolate sauce (not that Hershey stuff LOL!) and Dreyer’s vanilla ice cream. WE LOVED IT. I had about 3 bites of both and boy was I good….

I don’t typically eat to a 5. This time, I stopped at 5 (probably more like a 4 to some folks)….I was satisfied…as full as I prefer to get, but thankfully, not miserable! I was SO thrilled that I could walk away from Easter dinner out at a fancy restaurant feeling SO good!!!! THANK YOU LORD for purchasing my freedom!

Got to buy some clothes before we went home, too. I found just what I was looking for…a little dressy (sort of) jean jacket to wear over the dress I had worn for Easter (a bit after the fact, maybe! LOL!) and a sweat jacket for tennis. LOL!

I am loving that my kids have been playing tennis here at the courts for almost an hour now without fighting…how weird is that???? VERY weird! God is doing MIRACLES IN ALL OF US! LOL! I would be out there playing with them except my toe is killing me…I hurt it getting into the back seat today.

All for now. Thank you Lord for your amazing goodness.

I am reading through the book of Isaiah somewhat slowly...This verse really puts my former way of thinking and living in perspective:


You boast, "We have entered into a covenant with death, with the grave we have made an agreement. When an overwhelming scourge sweeps by, it cannot touch us, for we have made a lie our refuge and falsehood our hiding place."
- Isaiah 28:15 (NIV)

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When I was living in license, it was a posture of arrogance. It was as if I assumed that God didn't care and that I could continue to get away with eating that way and not have it affect me emotionally, physically, or spiritually. It was as if I thought I was immune to an "overwhelming scourge." Other people around me might have health problems as a result of overeating...but surely I wouldn't die "before my time." Hello?

Who is supposed to be my refuge? The Lord! Yet, I hid myself in food as my refuge. When Ii was upset, I would run to the food. This was making a LIE my refuge! Oh, Lord! THANK YOU FOR YOUR GRACIOUS RESCUE!

Who is supposed to be my hiding place? The LORD! Yet, I ran to hide myself in food...in more cookies, more pizza, more enchiladas...I had made FALSEHOOD my hiding place!

Oh God, thank you for your forgiveness and grace! May I never return to the lie as my refuge. May I never again focus on faleshood as my hiding place. Thank you, dear Jesus.

Yesterday's activity began with a wonderful Dance Praise workout. I enjoyed myself so very much that I kept bee bopping along for an hour and did it at what was a pretty high intensity for me! I just loved praising and worshiping the Lord while moving around on the dance pad!

But after lunch, it was time for me to start moving tons (literally) of gravel with the shovel and the wheelbarrow. I hadn't planned on my body being fatigued from the gravel moving I did earlier in the week! I was good only for about half the pile...about 3 tons. I literally couldn't control my arms any more when I decided to stop. Nuts! I was going to finish that today.

Got up, had my quiet time and was going to head out to do gravel when my daughter realized that there was an all day series of tennis clinics available for FREE here in Auburn Lake Trails by a USPTA professional who is the director of tennis at Auburn Racquet Club. Well, when tennis was the love of your younger life, you just can't let an opportunity like that go by. Not only that, but I have been PRAYING for tennis activities for the kids to come to our neighborhood. We live out in the country and it is a long way to go to find something that works. God has delivered as the professional who came wants to establish a client base out here! How cool!

My family got there just in time for the first event: Adult Cardio Tennis! OH MY GOODNESS! Did I ever get a HUGE workout!!! It was a BLAST! I tell you, I would sign up for that a couple of times a week...but man alive it busted me to pieces! I was huffing and puffing and just about dying. My husband did die, I think. LOL! He had us do drills and run around constantly for 30 minutes and then since no one showed up to do his next clinic--a beginner adult tennis clinic, he gave us 30 more minutes of cardio. That was an HOUR of intense cardio tennis! I CAN'T GET OVER HOW MUCH FUN IT WAS! LOL!

So after that, I was going to go home and work on the gravel...but no way. I was shot. :-) We had just enough time to eat lunch and then grabbed the kids and hauled them back to the courts so THEY could do a middle school/high school clinic and then a junior cardio tennis class. WOW! They BOTH were surprised at the fun they had.

The professional was Marsh Riggs. I was impressed with his skill with tennis, but beyond that at the way he was so incredibly affirming. No matter what he wanted the kids to do (or the adults) and even the littler kids (I watched him with 6 - 12 year olds), he was positive, encouraging, affirming. He moved things quickly, but taught a LOT in a short time. I was blown away that he would give of his time freely. Yes, I know it is to build a client base, but some would attempt to do this charging a fee to start. He let us see what kind of teacher he was. Definitely skilled as a teacher and a pretty nice human.

At the end of the afternoon, he and his son who is the #2 player at Placer High as a sophomore, did a demo of playing out points. It was very cool. I also loved to see the positive way they interacted. He is a coach I would LOVE for even my autistic son to have in his life...and Michaela loved him too. BOTH kids are interested in lessons when Marsh starts them up here in May.

Boy, I had forgotten how much I love tennis! I think I have to return to playing again! What a BLAST! I also made two new friends--women I will play with...the first is this Wednesday at 7pm. COOL!

Two days ago, I started to pray that my husband would have a tender heart to the TW message. He has a family history of heart disease and diabetes and carries weight around his middle. He is adorable! :-) Don't get me wrong. He is my "Chubby Bunny." But I have been concerned about his health. It just struck me that to live a high stress life, to eat what you want, never exercise...it is the height of arrogance to think that it won't catch up with you sometime. So I finally started to pray.

My dear husband who supported me all through the work I did for Judy and Arthur Halliday as we wrote the Thin Within book, has never read it! Now if HE had been involved in the writing of a book, *I* would have read it just because! LOL! He told me last night that he hadn't wanted to read it because he didn't want to hear the message of it...that he knows he has an ungodly attachment to food. wow. God is moving mountains! But NOW he feels he is going to read it. WOW!

I asked him later if he wanted to talk about it as he read and he said maybe...well...I asked him then if I needed to back off for now and he said yes. :-) So, I will continue to pray. Last night he ate what I did at McDonalds when we went out with the family. There is a new thing they have...it really works. Called a "snack wrap," it costs next to nothing ($1.39) and includes some grilled chicken, salsa, and a little bit of cheese wrapped in a flour tortilla. McDonalds probably has it available for the Atkins folks, but for me, it is perfect! Bob liked it, too! He said he was even satisfied and it was all his idea. Not only that, but he joined me in buying a small size soda. God has worked in me to release the GREED in the soda thing! WOW!

God really IS doing a new thing! A BUNCH of new thingS!

I have rejoiced in my freedom from HAVING to have desserts or to eat when I am not hungry. It is like it just doesn't seem to happen much at all any more....and, well...I really have been brought to my knees in thankful appreciation. This isn't SELF control. I know my SELF well enough to know that just would NOT happen! This is HIM doing it for sure!

So, early this morning I felt Jesus actually NUDGE me to get on the scale. I asked him if it was really him and he said "YES! I want you to see something!" (He seems to have me get on more OFTEN than *I* thought I was supposed to! Interesting how he blows the lids off of all my "God Boxes!")

What I saw--the numbers--floored me. The number was 4 pounds less than the number that was 2 pounds less than my "original goal by May 1!" (Did that make sense? LOL!) I have no idea where he will take this, but this is TOTALLY a God thing! I am floored at what HE is doing and it is clear to me it is HIM. I am not starving...not at all. I eat whenever I am hungry. I typically stop before I feel the food in my stomach...I stop when I am not hungry any more (well most of the time). I love eating this way...no worries, no hangups, no obsession! THANK YOU LORD!

Anyhow, I know that things cause weight to go up and down so won't go jumping on again any time soon (well, I guess unless he tells me to!), but I think one thing that has caused more weight to be released than I thought might be is that He has led me to choose more beneficial foods than I had previously. For instance, I *always* ate fried chicken when we went out. God led me during the work on the Fit Kids book to let go of my hold on fried chicken even between 0 and 3 or 4. I just won't eat it...Not that I can't...I can. It is permissible. I am FREE to eat it and now, I am free NOT to eat it! WHOO HOO! It was not a big deal to let go of it...another God thing! I just love this!

Every time I turn around there is something new happening....I love how God knocks my socks off all the time! My husband's heart is softening to the message of TW (and living it himself) and more weight has been released from my body. I now weigh less than I have in over 10 years! 56 pounds are released now since Mid-November. Somehow, I wish I could talk to that lady who God used to get me to turn back to Him and thank her for being an unlikely catalyst for a God-sized work!

THANK YOU LORD!

Someone asked about the book "Thin Again." So this is a posting from the Thin Within Support Yahoo group that I sent there yesterday. I thought others might benefit...it is LOOOONG, though!

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For the "uninitiated," :-) the Hallidays wrote a book first published in 1994 as "Silent Hunger." It was then re-released as "Thin Again" with the most recent publishing (I believe) coinciding with the release of the Thin Within book in 2002. NOTE: Since writing this blog entry, the book, Thin Again, has been re-released yet again with another title: Get Thin Stay Thin. During January and February (and likely into March) of 2009, I am going through the book and sharing my notes here at the blog. If you search for Get Thin Stay Thin here at the blog, you will find the posts.)

Here is my take on the book, THIN AGAIN:

I think this book can transform someone's life--and definitely their Thin Within journey from empty or mechanical to victorious and powerful and effective and...and...and! :-)

I believe in the message of Thin Again so much. I know without really facing the truths shared in the pages, I would NOT be able to experience the freedom God has given me today. Mind you, I worked (hard!) through the Thin Again book in 2001....so yes, it has taken me this much time to realize some of what God did back then....and to begin to FLY! Maybe it doesn't take that for everyone, but for me...well, I know it used of God to lay the groundwork that he is now building on...to transform my life....

There are four people whose stories are followed throughout the book and, yes, they *are* dealing with issues in their past--AND present! However, the book starts with this quote (on page 18):

"When our eating is out of control or when food is used to insulate ourselves against emotional pain, we say that our eating is disordered, that it is out of God's order. Disordered eating is characterized as follows:
Where we are preoccupied with concerns of food and eating.
Where food is used to insulate or numb ourselves from emotional pain.
Where food is used in an attempt to satisfy our unfulfilled yearnings to be loved, cherished, and adored.
Where food or eating is used to try to achieve some order in a disordered life.
Where the joy and pleasure of eating has been lost.
Where food or eating has become a compulsion, an obsession, or an idol.
Where food or eating causes a disruption in life.
Where food and eating control us rather than vice versa.
Where food has become an enemy rather than a friend.
Disordered eating becomes a counterfeit for genuine satisfaction and leaves us empty and longing."

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As the four people whose stories we follow through the book start off, it might look like we have nothing in common with them. Then a section titled "Can't You Just Stop" brings it home...that this isn't something "normal" people struggle with.

On page 24, we read "Causes of Disordered Eating." Somewhere somehow we have warped what God intended for good. This section helps us to evaluate where things went awry. For some of us, we may readily identify things in our past...others of us note this more slowly....there are patterns in our present that we begin to see are rooted in other things.

The things mentioned in this chapter as being causes of disordered eating are:

Trauma
Abuse
Having been a very sensitive child
A controlling environment
Lack of validation of feelings.
For most of us with disordered eating, we can identify with at least one of these things....They are described in this chapter.

The book, Thin Again was originally released with the title "Silent Hunger." Silent Hunger is defined on page 26... "Our silent hunger is our longing for intimacy where our deepest needs for security and significance can be substantially met. This longing is real. It is a sanctified hunger placed in us by God's design, and it is his intention that it be satisfied in our families, with our friends, but most completely in our communion with Him." (page 26)

Impediments to Intimacy list and describe:

Rejection
Death
Abuse
Enmeshment
Abortion
Adoption
The end of each chapter asks penetrating questions, has scripture to read, and includes a prayer.

In Chapter 2 things get really rolling when the authors begin to look at the Lazarus story as a metaphor for what a person truly studying this book and inviting God into the process will experience....the grave clothes and the needed "unwrapping process." There is stuff on us that may stink to us....and God wants us to learn to let it go, as Lazarus after being in the tomb had developed an odor and had grave clothes that needed to be unwrapped to walk in freedom. This book is much denser than Thin Within and so it goes into what some of these layers may be. This isn't for the timid! The Lord says knowing the truth will set us free....and I have found that to be true. Deception and denial are addressed in this chapter. A quote from this part of the book on page 41: "Where denial darkens our path and compulsions hide and confine us, the light of God's love gently and compassionately penetrates the layers of our most ingrained defense mechanisms and coaxes us out of the tomb into the light..." Gosh...the quote continues....and refers to a quote from Brennan Manning...anyhow, the grace and love of God are throughout the pages of Thin Again, but it does take one very deep into all the WHY behind what is going on with us. If someone has felt at a standstill in Thin Within, it could be that being set free from deeper issues is the call of God....and to do that, we have to be very intentional about it. It is scary. I can't pretend it isn't....to face all our fears, pain, disappointments...HURTS...a LOT. But we face them hand in hand with God. Whether they happened 35 years ago or 3 hours ago....and then he walks us through this valley of the SHADOW of death (only a shadow) and helps us work through releasing these things...forgiving as Christ has forgiven us...trusting him that vengeance belongs to him and he will repay....and coming out the other side, transformed, truly resurrected in more ways than one.

Chapter three is called Grace Not Legalism. Sounds pretty good, huh? :-) "Grace is freedom that conforms us from within; legalism is bondage that constrains us from without." (Page 52) powerful stuff! In this chapter, we go below the surface again, but also the Thin Within principles (keys to conscious eating) are discussed. The hunger scale is mentioned as well...and the Bodometer Process. The hunger graph is explained too. So this chapter helps a person see how the familiar TW principles apply in context. The chapter title fits because these are guidelines, not rigid rules. The Hallidays want us to see that clearly. :-)

Chapter 4, "Conscious Eating Not Compulsive Eating" takes a deeper look at the flesh machinery (called "fat machinery") and unworkable beliefs. As you can see, these are familiar to Thin Within, too, but again, the principles are discussed in a context of going much deeper, exposing the root. The Thin Within book couldn't go into that detail...so where it gives a taste, Thin Again, goes down into it...finding the root of these things that cause us to struggle with being "normal" with regard to food and eating. This chapter, too, offers some of the familiar TW principles but with a deeper touch.

Chapter 5 is called Worth Not Shame. This is a HUGE HUGE HUGE chapter for me and I think for others. It exposes shame and ALL of the insidious ways that it hides and infiltrates our lives. This chapter helps us to plow into our shame head on with God as our comfort, guide, leader...and see through to the other side where we shake loose all of the shame we have embraced for so long. The Hallidays discuss the difference between biblical "shame" and the counterfeit. Here, the Hallidays do connect some of our current shame with our past. If we wear shame, there is a reason it feels so familiar to us. Often it is because it is all we knew as kids and teenagers. We emerge from our teen years so familiar with shame that we don't even realize we gravitate toward people, situations that will continue to provide the impetus for further dwelling in shame. The Hallidays evaluate the affect of the media and other sources of our self-abasement. From pg. 87 there is a paragraph that begins with a quote from Dan Allendar, "'shame often occurs when a failure in our performance, a dissatisfaction with our appearance, or some painful past experience is considered so important that it solidifies a negative self-concept.' If we base our view of ourselves on these criteria long enough, we may eventually adopt them as the sole basis of our worth. Then we have (unconsciously) incorporated a lie into our belief system: that we have certain characteristics and flaws that can never be changed. When we take on an identity of shame, we are perpetuating an incorrect view of ourselves and denying God's Word--that we are 'fearfully and wonderfully made.' This chapter has a couple of diagrams and explanations that are helpful, the "Shame Belief Cycle" and "Renewed Belief Cycle." Guilt is another topic addressed head on in this chapter.

Chapter 6 is Dependence Not Addiction. The sub-headings in this chapter include "Moving from Addiction to God's Healing," "Suffering and Character Building," and "Freed to Depend on God." A quote from this chapter (p. 107):

"In our wounded attempts to satisfy our legitimate cravings, we use food, people, money, objects, and experiences to gratify and serve us. We strive to hold on to these false gods, forgetting that nothing of this world can ultimately satisfy us. Being unable to trust, we will our way through life, denying our fundamental dependence on the true God of love, joy, and peace.

"Recognizing our wounded condition and our spiritually empty addictions, how do we open ourselves to God's gracious healing? How do we stop grasping for the fruit that we hope will make us feel like gods and yield to a relationship that frees us and satisfies us?"

The rest of the chapter is spent answering these questions. Judy includes her testimony on this page. She identifies that what had been her *current* situation...had become her grave clothes. It helps a person to bring all of this stuff into the present, if it is tough to see it.

Chapter 7 is titled The Present Not the Past. This chapter opens with this (pp. 115-116): "Unwrapping our grave clothes involves resurrecting and resolving the past and being freed from the bondage of old memories, roles, and feelings. Then we can live unencumbered in the present. The weight we have struggled to release is only a symbol of the layers of wrappings we've been carrying--the compulsions, denial, shame, guilt and old unworkable beliefs and painful past experiences. As we become aware of our burdensome bindings, our patient Lord is always near, encouraging us to be unwrapped as quickly or as slowly as we are able to bear. Layer by Layer the loving hand of the Lord dismantles our crippling defense mechanisms and removes the self-protective devices we thought were necessary for survival." The sub-headings are "Letting Go of the Past" and this is where the authors have lovingly, graciously made a way for us to work toward forgiving anyone who has wronged us. From page 117 "The process of letting go of the past involved grieving. Grief over any loss, or over an abusive or less-than-perfect past takes time." For me, it took a full summer to manage it. Note the authors say "less than perfect past." For those of us who think we don't have any issues in our past to face into, the news is...if we have been in this world, we have been wronged...and those things often stick with us. My husband didn't realize until he was 35 that he had a harbored a lot of resentment toward his pastor father. Before that time, he thought he had a great upbringing. The truth was that this wasn't so. He found facing into these truths, while blowing the lid off of his "I had a great childhood" box, enabled him to break free of addictions that had captivated him since he was 14. Another sub-heading is "Release the Victim Role." Many of us hang on to that role...we wear it like an old damp coat over God's glory in us....it has been a part of us for so long (maybe it doesn't seem like it to some)...and boy howdy... "Ain't NO WAY TO LIVE!!!" When we step out of that old drab coat...we feel like we have lost 35904 pounds!!!! LOL! I have to tell you, for some...that is the start. "Forgiving and Forgetting" and "Feelings and Memories" are a couple more sub-headings. At this point, we get to see how some of the people whose stories we have followed practiced forgiveness and the changes it brought in their lives. Food for thought from page 134: "When we live an unexamined life, we cannot help but be only half alive. The place of shadows, the realm of forgotten feelings and memories, encroaches upon our daily lives until we make the conscious the unremembered. We have secreted away not only the memories but the accompanying intensity of emotions that, as children, we were not equipped to face. When the memory surfaces, the emotional intensity surfaces with it. It is important at these times, to know God is present and that he will give us the strength to deal with the situation."

Chapter 8 is called "Holy Struggle." This chapter focuses on the choices we make today, now. It exposes the struggle we have and helps us to evaluate how we can best MOVE FORWARD! :-) It puts all of this stuff in context, too...For instance, "When making your choice about what and when to eat:
"Consider your motivation
Notice the way you think
Evaluate your daily lifestyle
Be vigilant and pray
Continue to be filled with the Spirit
These are all explained and elaborated upon. Great stuff. This isn't just about what we weigh or eat...it is about WHY. As we go into the why, we break free from things that we haven't been able to figure out about ourselves. God wants us to be willing to go deep enough to offer those empty places, those wounded places to him...In this chapter, we also focus on different ways of handling things as we move forward...will we be reactive? Or what the authors call "reflexive?" "Replacing old hungers with new hungers" is another subheading, followed by "Keeping New Hungers Satisfied."

Chapter 9 is called Holy Action. This broadens all of the things we have worked through from the rest of the book into other areas of our lives. This is something that Judy does so well. She shows us repeatedly that nothing about us occurs in isolation from the rest. ALL of it impacts everything else. The subheadings in this chapter are:

Establishing Holy Action
Love
Knowledge
Discernment
Responsibility
Self-examination
Prayer
Surrender
Living Unwrapped
Spiritual Armor
Belt of Truth
Breastplate of Righteousness
Gospel of Peace
Shield of Faith
Helmet of Salvation
Sword of the Spirit
Present-Time Eating, Present-Time Living

Chapter 10 follows Holy Struggle (chapter 8) and Holy Action (chapter 9) with Holy Life. We again get a glimpse into one of the testimonies that have happened throughout the book. Some quotes from this chapter:

"Much about disordered eating is based on our inability to receive love, even more than our inability to give it. We often manipulate the people in our lives to give us what we didn't get. As we are healed by God's love, we are then able to accept love from others, freed from our expectations and demands that love come when we want it, in the exact form we want it, and from whom we want it.

"Maybe we feel ashamed or unworthy, or maybe we are still too bitter or too demanding. It is not always the case that love isn't there; often it is. Those grave clothes block not only our ability to give love but to receive it.

“Because in the past we've missed the love we've wanted, we're afraid of being vulnerable for fear of being hurt again. The fear of disappointment is so profound and the silent hunger is so acute that we will attempt to feed it with our addictions rather than risk exposing ourselves. By unwrapping our grave clothes, we reveal our true hunger, and the Holy Spirit moves in our lives and relationships so that we are fed.

"Our healing involves far more than just a resolution of our issues with food, eating, and weight. By allowing God to fulfill our inborn desire for intimacy and satisfy our need for security, significance, and self-worth, we can, in turn, glorify him in body, mind and soul. When we began this process, we committed ourselves to deal with attitudes, habits, and eating patterns that had accumulated as we tried unsuccessfully on our own to stifle the voice of our silent hunger. Little did we know how profoundly God wished to transform our character during our healing or how unsurpassed would be the delights he had in store for us."

Some of you have emailed me privately about what was the difference this time in my life so that things have been changing inside and out for me...I have to say...this had to happen...working through this study had to happen before I could experience what I did this go....so when I refer to Thin Again in my testimony about "this time," you will have a bit of a better idea of what that means....This process may not be for everyone, but if a person is on earth, then they have been the victim of sin...and often, we take on way more of that than God wants us to. He does want us to be set free from overeating, self-loathing, anger, and a bunch of other things too! He intends that we live life abundantly....not just "make it through." For me, processing the material in Thin Again, was a vital part of that.

Wow...what a marathon the past month has been--especially the past few days!!! But we are done, I think! Or *I* am! LOL!

Look for "Raising Fit Kids in a Fat World" by Judy Halliday and Joani Mack, published by Regal in January 2008!!! I am so excited. We have a GREAT book on our hands thanks to the LORD!!!!! The prayer support was FELT SO STRONGLY (some emailed me to get updates...thank you for caring!!!).

I am really excited and blessed to have been a part of this project.

Now, it is time to go play with my kids, cuddle them and hubby, and go horseback riding!!!!!! I miss my horses SO much (well, my family too...LOL!!!).

On another note, I got on the scale this morning and the total released for March is 8 pounds or so it appears. That really surprises me! (call me a skeptic!) God has removed 52 pounds from my body since mid-November and I am so incredibly grateful to Him. It still blows me away how he drew me back, transformed my heart, got a laptop in my hands, began overhauling my life inside and out and *then* Judy contacted me about this book project. I couldn't have participated honestly one MINUTE before I did!!!! GOD IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I must admit...I am a bit rummy....headachey...yesterday was a "not beneficial" eating day as I was in such a rush. I can't BELIEVE what I ate all between 0 and 5....started the day with a donut of all things...lunch was half a slice of winter wheat bread with peanut butter and granola on it and a half cup of milk.....OH SO YUMMY. WAY better than a donut!!!! Mid-afternoon I was hungry and had these tiny cookie things my daughter made. They are like tiny lemon merengue pies without the merengue (how do you spell that? LOL!!!) Last night my family went out to have a bonfire without me...I was still working....I tore myself away long enough to join them for an hour and was at 0 at the campfire so had a S'MORE for dinner!!!! No wonder I have a headache today!!!!!

Back to beneficial eating today I think. I actually look forward to it...

LOL!!!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!