How you folks doing with Halloween Candy? We didn't buy any this year, but if we had, I would have inhaled it all last night, I think.
Throw it in the trash!
Or, if you are like me, throw it in the toilet and HURRY!!! FLUSH!!!!! Then just don't answer the door when the Trick Or Treaters come! (Aren't I just awful?)
True confession...if I were to throw something in the trash that I knew was causing me to struggle...and then change my mind later about "wanting it anyhow"...I would actually FISH IT OUT OF THE TRASH can!!!! Ok...that is extreme sickness...that is why I said above...maybe don't just put it in the trash, but put it in the toilet and flush!
Is no one else like me?
If we had had candy here in the house last night I think I would have eaten it....just because "dangit!"
The question someone posted at the TW forums is a good one.. "Lord, what am I feeling right now that I want to feed with food?"
I have been praying and been in the Word this morning. I do have a lot of emotions I am feeling.
One of my horses, Doc......I am just heart broken. Winters are so hard for him. He is only 9 and he has been like this the entire time I have had him (just before he turned 5), but some times things are worse than others...we live in a mild climate...but he is in such pain even with our 40 degree nights. I wonder when is it selfish to keep him alive and when is it selfish to put him down?
And my son has really been establishing himself as a major liar...he is 15 and he is just too old to be a liar...and to blow it off. It is breaking my heart....I fear for his future. An Aspergers man has a tough row to hoe as it is, without intentionally being a liar...how is it that someone who categorizes things into two groups: "all or nothing" "good or bad" "evil and good" can choose YUCK so much??????? (Unless someone ELSE is speaking, then by golly, you better not come near to doing something he interprets as a lie!!!!)
There are so many other things...and I realize...these are all the churning feelings that I have that I would be tempted to stuff with food. How on *earth* will stuffing them with food help??? It won't!!!
The enemy loves it when I believe that lie.
I learned something about my Heavenly Father today...He is busy working...He does things...and one of them is seen in this verse:
2 Corinthians 1: 3-4a: Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles...
How can my Heavenly Father comfort me, if I am so busy stuffing my face? Or running from Him? Or busying myself with some distraction intended to numb? (Like computer junk...)
Hoping all of us feed the toilet some candy (or whatever) today and invite God the Father to comfort us in what is *truly* ailing our hearts.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Two Questions...
1.) What's really holding you back?
2.) God speaking: "If I was all you had, would that be enough?"
I think these questions and our honest, prayerful answers to them can have a profound impact on the steps we take on our journey....
2.) God speaking: "If I was all you had, would that be enough?"
I think these questions and our honest, prayerful answers to them can have a profound impact on the steps we take on our journey....
Friday, October 26, 2007
Rob Bell Says it Well
Sometimes other people just say it so much better.
Rob Bell says it in a short video clip. To see it, click here.
Rob Bell says it in a short video clip. To see it, click here.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
What's it All About?
Hi, everyone.
God says that man looks at outward appearance. God looks at the heart. I wish that there was a scale that could weigh the changes in a heart.
Since I have no way of seeing the changes in my heart obectively, I will share the physical stuff:
God says that man looks at outward appearance. God looks at the heart. I wish that there was a scale that could weigh the changes in a heart.
Since I have no way of seeing the changes in my heart obectively, I will share the physical stuff:
- The scale has nudged down another pound to 152 or so.
- I am wearing the size 10 pants I bought (in public no less!)
So, the weight is still down...a bit lower, in fact. When I weighed last November before I committed to this path, I was at 230. Earlier last year I was closer to 250 and going up...
So there you have it. The numbers are out there for everyone to see! I can't believe I just posted that...but there you go. Size 10 today, size 24s (and busting out of them) in summer of 2006.
You know what, though? The bible says nothing about numbers and size. What I weigh or the size I wear are meaningless. The fact that I use my size and the number on a scale to console myself really tells me something about my heart, in fact.
The truth is, my heart continues to struggle. I wrote the following for the Yahoo group (I have edited it just a bit). I post it here in case it can encourage others, too.
====
It isn't the BITE of food that is the problem...It is my heart. What is my heart doing? Is it hardening toward God? Do I make a conscious decision to reject God? Is my heart bowing down before the food? Do I lust for a zero (hunger)? Even if I am at a zero...to me I am *not* balanced if I lust for food even if I am hungry or not! I don't want to be so perverse that I pander after an Oreo Milkshake *or* a salad, one bite, or 3859!!!!
To me, it is about my HEART, not my body size, not the bite or the plate full of food. It is about my heart. (I am a broken record...)
Until I get this, I won't walk in freedom. Period. It is a matter of time before "things" (my clothing size, my weight) start heading back up again. Do I hate my overeating? Or do I just hate being fat? Do I want God to change my heart? Or do I only want him to change my body and now that it is changed and there really isn't any more weight to lose, I can check it off my "Do this for me, God" checklist and be on my merry way?
This is all about my heart. Is it given to God or given to food? Submitting to my will and my tastebuds? Impotent in the face of a candy bar, staring down a Snickers as if it has power over me? Or submitting my will and my tastebuds and everything to the power of an amazing all-powerful God who loves me and is at work in me?
===
Give yourself to Him...your tastebuds, your thoughts, your body...I know I need to commit to that afresh.
Heidi
Monday, October 22, 2007
Testimony
Hi, everyone. The video below may take a while to load. It is a little over 7 minutes long. It is a clip of a friend of mine sharing some thoughts about her body as the temple of God as well as another section on God's forgiveness. I got permission from Thin Within (and my friend) to share this. Some of the thoughts about the temple may be challenging for some of us to hear, but hang in there--I think it dovetails beautifully with her testimony of God's forgiveness that follows. I hope you can take the time to view the video. It is powerful. I would love to hear from you about it.
Jan Tabrizi--a God-given friend:
Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Share Photos - Free Video Hosting
Jan Tabrizi--a God-given friend:
Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Share Photos - Free Video Hosting
Thursday, October 18, 2007
May They Know...
Lord, I am in awe. You have given me an amazing privilege of leading a Thin Within group at my church on Wednesday nights. I thank you for that privilege. You know that I first longed to do that over FIVE years ago. What a wonderful thing it is to know that I am in the heart of your will when I meet with these wonderful ladies. THANK YOU for this privilege, Lord!
Last night was a treasure to me. As we molded and shaped a "pinch pot" made of clay and thought about how you have molded and shaped each one of us...that you made and formed us to be containers for your glory...I was just so touched again that you would give us such a privilege. Thank you, Lord! As our own fingerprints were all over the surface of our own pots, your fingerprints are all over each one of us, too. It is evident that a Master is at work. Thank you, Lord!
I commissioned the ladies to carefully wrap up their pots with cotton and cups so that they could get them home without allowing harm to come to them...no marring, scratches, dents, dings or without being smashed. Sometimes our own bodies we treat with such contempt that we end up hurt and wounded. Help us to care for our bodies as we each took such care to wrap our pots so they could be protected. We are stewards of our bodies. They are not our own to do with as we please.
As each lady sees her clay pot at home this week, may it be a reminder that you have made her special...may she be moved to praise you that she is fearfully and wonderfully made. May she find herself rising to the call of caring for her body in a manner that honors it and demonstrates a sense of the high calling she has received from You, Lord.
Thank you, In Christ. Amen.
Last night was a treasure to me. As we molded and shaped a "pinch pot" made of clay and thought about how you have molded and shaped each one of us...that you made and formed us to be containers for your glory...I was just so touched again that you would give us such a privilege. Thank you, Lord! As our own fingerprints were all over the surface of our own pots, your fingerprints are all over each one of us, too. It is evident that a Master is at work. Thank you, Lord!
I commissioned the ladies to carefully wrap up their pots with cotton and cups so that they could get them home without allowing harm to come to them...no marring, scratches, dents, dings or without being smashed. Sometimes our own bodies we treat with such contempt that we end up hurt and wounded. Help us to care for our bodies as we each took such care to wrap our pots so they could be protected. We are stewards of our bodies. They are not our own to do with as we please.
As each lady sees her clay pot at home this week, may it be a reminder that you have made her special...may she be moved to praise you that she is fearfully and wonderfully made. May she find herself rising to the call of caring for her body in a manner that honors it and demonstrates a sense of the high calling she has received from You, Lord.
Thank you, In Christ. Amen.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Scale Stuff Revisited
Well, about a week after I had "put away" my scale, I DID get it out again for a few days. I reasoned through the why of it...and came up with some really good reasons why it was ok...but after a few days, I decided I wanted to deal with it for sure. LOL!
So...I went on ebay and ordered a pair of jeans in my favorite style and brand...one size smaller than I have been wearing...and the ones I wear right now are baggy...not very effective for keeping on top of my size.
The jeans arrived and I have NEVER worn a size 10 in my life. They fit! In fact, on my birthday (Monday, the 15th), I wore them for part of the day. I don't know that I would wear them in public yet, but I did wear them to meet with a friend at her house. When I went on a horseback ride, I changed as it is really miserale to ride in jeans that aren't a bit "forgiving!"
All that to say...I put the scale away again when the jeans arrived over a week ago and haven't gotten it out. I don't feel the pull any more. I know that these size 10 jeans will give me a sense of if things go down a bit yet, stay the same and if I hop off the bandwagon, these jeans won't fit at all.
Truthfully, though, God is showing me some important things as I prepare for my group on Wednesday nights. Leading others through the book is so encouraging to me! I love it! And God is doing yet MORE work on me.
In the chapter that addresses the bathroom scale (chapter 6), the contrast is made between focusing on the bathroom scale and focusing on the hunger scale. Truthfully, when I submit my will to the Lord and the hunger scale, eating between the parameters of hunger and satisfaction or 0 and 5, I have no question in my mind that leads me to want to jump on the bathroom scale! I mean, this is a no brainer. It is only when I know I have been eating outside of those parameters that I want to see if I have gotten away with things and "just how bad IS it" or something like that.
More and more, God is enabling me not to "fudge" in my eating like I was doing pretty regularly. It is becoming less of an issue.
That is NOT to say that my heart has been changed. I still LUST for a zero like the best of them and still WANT food and still MOURN when I can't have it...I mean, really...it is like being a baby sometimes, the little temper tantrum I am prone to have as I "deny myself" yet again. I hope that there will be a time in the future when I won't feel this like a denial, but just a normal way of life...I know there are lots of other areas of greed that the Lord wants to ferret out and eradicate.
I am thankful that He is growing me so much, even if, at times it is painful.
So...I went on ebay and ordered a pair of jeans in my favorite style and brand...one size smaller than I have been wearing...and the ones I wear right now are baggy...not very effective for keeping on top of my size.
The jeans arrived and I have NEVER worn a size 10 in my life. They fit! In fact, on my birthday (Monday, the 15th), I wore them for part of the day. I don't know that I would wear them in public yet, but I did wear them to meet with a friend at her house. When I went on a horseback ride, I changed as it is really miserale to ride in jeans that aren't a bit "forgiving!"
All that to say...I put the scale away again when the jeans arrived over a week ago and haven't gotten it out. I don't feel the pull any more. I know that these size 10 jeans will give me a sense of if things go down a bit yet, stay the same and if I hop off the bandwagon, these jeans won't fit at all.
Truthfully, though, God is showing me some important things as I prepare for my group on Wednesday nights. Leading others through the book is so encouraging to me! I love it! And God is doing yet MORE work on me.
In the chapter that addresses the bathroom scale (chapter 6), the contrast is made between focusing on the bathroom scale and focusing on the hunger scale. Truthfully, when I submit my will to the Lord and the hunger scale, eating between the parameters of hunger and satisfaction or 0 and 5, I have no question in my mind that leads me to want to jump on the bathroom scale! I mean, this is a no brainer. It is only when I know I have been eating outside of those parameters that I want to see if I have gotten away with things and "just how bad IS it" or something like that.
More and more, God is enabling me not to "fudge" in my eating like I was doing pretty regularly. It is becoming less of an issue.
That is NOT to say that my heart has been changed. I still LUST for a zero like the best of them and still WANT food and still MOURN when I can't have it...I mean, really...it is like being a baby sometimes, the little temper tantrum I am prone to have as I "deny myself" yet again. I hope that there will be a time in the future when I won't feel this like a denial, but just a normal way of life...I know there are lots of other areas of greed that the Lord wants to ferret out and eradicate.
I am thankful that He is growing me so much, even if, at times it is painful.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Diets Don't Work!
The above photo is from the November 1995 issue of Women's Day Magazine. I had "lost" 81 pounds, but I found them again...and lost them again...and found them again...and lost...well...no matter, you get the gist.
I am confident that THIS IS A NEW THING God has done and is doing in me! He is dealing with the heart issues. Please, if you haven't yet read the entries I have placed here the last few days...do...God is bringing conviction to my heart. This journey is all about the heart. If the heart isn't treated, the weight will pile back on.
Such "fame" and "glory" evident in this photo from 12 years ago...yet, until last November, ELEVEN years later, I didn't surrender my HEART.
PLEASE...don't be as stubborn as me. I am a repentant rebel and hoping that as God changes me more and more that the "rebel" part will be total, absolute HISTORY!
Thank you, Lord!
Conviction or Condemnation?
Dear precious ones! Your hearts are so amazingly tender! Many have posted on the Thin Within message forums, in the Truly Thin Within Yahoo group, and to me privately...
The message that I have heard in these notes from those of you who have listened to Crystal's gluttony talk is this:
We have fallen under the conviction of the Holy Spirit for our sin of gluttony!
And while some of us may be at various places in releasing the weight that is evidence (sometimes) of one overindulgent choice upon another, the truth is, many of us still lust for food and wish we could get away with eating more...This is still sin.
Rather than live in condemnation, which may be typical fare for us, let us apply equally the other truths Crystal said to us. I quote her here:
"I know that we all have sin and we all fall short and we all have idols and acknowledging that is crucial, but God doesn’t stay there and neither should we. Psalm 103:12 says as far as the east is from the west so far does he remove our transgressions from us…Jesus died on the cross so that our sins and our idols are not the end of the story."
Thank you, Crystal, for that reminder. Oh, dear woman of God, if you are out there and you catch wind of the work God is doing amongst Thin Within participants, please email me! I would LOVE to hear from you and be an encouragement to you if that is possible! Press on!
Hebrews 12: 1-3 says:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
---
Let's ALL do that, shall we? Let us throw OFF everything that hinders, including the self-condemnation which Crystal pointed out also stands as an enemy to the cross of Christ. Let us throw off the sin that entangles us. The sin of "just one more bite" or of minimizing "This won't matter that much..."
The Lord will empower His children to obey His will if we surrender in the moment. I have seen this in my life and no one is a greater rebel than me...
Let us fix our eyes not on our sin, not on what we must leave behind, but on JESUS.
He SCORNED the shame! Let us do likewise! If you have shame, scorn it...reject it, refuse it!
Let us press on!
Big hugs!
The message that I have heard in these notes from those of you who have listened to Crystal's gluttony talk is this:
We have fallen under the conviction of the Holy Spirit for our sin of gluttony!
And while some of us may be at various places in releasing the weight that is evidence (sometimes) of one overindulgent choice upon another, the truth is, many of us still lust for food and wish we could get away with eating more...This is still sin.
Rather than live in condemnation, which may be typical fare for us, let us apply equally the other truths Crystal said to us. I quote her here:
"I know that we all have sin and we all fall short and we all have idols and acknowledging that is crucial, but God doesn’t stay there and neither should we. Psalm 103:12 says as far as the east is from the west so far does he remove our transgressions from us…Jesus died on the cross so that our sins and our idols are not the end of the story."
Thank you, Crystal, for that reminder. Oh, dear woman of God, if you are out there and you catch wind of the work God is doing amongst Thin Within participants, please email me! I would LOVE to hear from you and be an encouragement to you if that is possible! Press on!
Hebrews 12: 1-3 says:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
---
Let's ALL do that, shall we? Let us throw OFF everything that hinders, including the self-condemnation which Crystal pointed out also stands as an enemy to the cross of Christ. Let us throw off the sin that entangles us. The sin of "just one more bite" or of minimizing "This won't matter that much..."
The Lord will empower His children to obey His will if we surrender in the moment. I have seen this in my life and no one is a greater rebel than me...
Let us fix our eyes not on our sin, not on what we must leave behind, but on JESUS.
He SCORNED the shame! Let us do likewise! If you have shame, scorn it...reject it, refuse it!
Let us press on!
Big hugs!
Holidays...What Will We - *I* - Do???
The Holidays are almost upon us...before we know it, there will be harvest parties, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and all the associated festivities and opportunities for tantalizing our taste buds.
So...what will we (I) do this holiday season? Will we choose to gain weight like most Americans (and Canadians...LOL!)..."Statistics" say that the majority of Americans gain...EIGHT POUNDS during the holiday season...
OR, will we DELIBERATELY choose to be different from the masses?
Will we enter and sail through the holidays with buoyant spirits and continuing to release weight? Or will we have heavy hearts and consciences and heavier bodies?
It is a choice we make. Every moment of every day...
So...what can we do to prepare for this season?
What will we do?
* When someone brings us "treats" they baked "just for us?"
* When we want to give baked goods straight from our kitchen to others and just want a "bite" of dough...and another...?
* When we are at parties and church events?
* When Christmas cookies and pastries are everywhere we turn?
* With the hustle and bustle of the season that causes many of us to have emotional turmoil and we know that we tend to be emotional eaters?
* With all the fat machinery present during the holidays?
What are your plans? What can your plans be?
God never intended for us to be tormented by food!
Answering my own questions (sort of...more of a meandering monologue...):
My concern for the holidays in my own life...is....
...how will I handle the desires, the lusts, really, of my heart to have "it"...whatever "it" is. Can I ever be free from that kind of lust? The sinful lustful way my flesh longs for various foods? See, to me, even if something is acceptable to eat...if my heart is in "covet" mode, I want to shut that down. I don't want to feed my sin...I am seeing this as never before...Crystal Munson's talk on Gluttony helped me to see this...that it isn't about the food, or the bites, or about 0 to 5...or my body...it is about the sinful heart and the sin...and choosing to capture my thoughts, to take them captive "even when I am at a 0!" ...In each moment, my need to have Jesus cleanse me and change me.
Just today, I caught myself LUSTING for zero!...I caught myself or rather the Spirit pointed it out...and I was saddened at seeing the truth about myself. Here I am with a so-called "success story" of how God has removed all this weight...He really *has* done amazing things in my life, but here I still am...struggling with lusting for a 0 so I can have a certain food... Is it acceptable for me to eat that at 0? Yes, absolutely...but do I want to allow a heart issue like that to go by? No... The true "success story" will happen when I no longer react to food like that...
I am just amazed at all that God is pointing out to me about my covetous heart...whew. It floors me. After all this time, you would think I would have grown beyond this...I praise Him that he meets me not with the club of condemnation, but with welcoming arms. His kindness leads me to repentance...indeed it does.
So...what will we (I) do this holiday season? Will we choose to gain weight like most Americans (and Canadians...LOL!)..."Statistics" say that the majority of Americans gain...EIGHT POUNDS during the holiday season...
OR, will we DELIBERATELY choose to be different from the masses?
Will we enter and sail through the holidays with buoyant spirits and continuing to release weight? Or will we have heavy hearts and consciences and heavier bodies?
It is a choice we make. Every moment of every day...
So...what can we do to prepare for this season?
What will we do?
* When someone brings us "treats" they baked "just for us?"
* When we want to give baked goods straight from our kitchen to others and just want a "bite" of dough...and another...?
* When we are at parties and church events?
* When Christmas cookies and pastries are everywhere we turn?
* With the hustle and bustle of the season that causes many of us to have emotional turmoil and we know that we tend to be emotional eaters?
* With all the fat machinery present during the holidays?
What are your plans? What can your plans be?
God never intended for us to be tormented by food!
Answering my own questions (sort of...more of a meandering monologue...):
My concern for the holidays in my own life...is....
...how will I handle the desires, the lusts, really, of my heart to have "it"...whatever "it" is. Can I ever be free from that kind of lust? The sinful lustful way my flesh longs for various foods? See, to me, even if something is acceptable to eat...if my heart is in "covet" mode, I want to shut that down. I don't want to feed my sin...I am seeing this as never before...Crystal Munson's talk on Gluttony helped me to see this...that it isn't about the food, or the bites, or about 0 to 5...or my body...it is about the sinful heart and the sin...and choosing to capture my thoughts, to take them captive "even when I am at a 0!" ...In each moment, my need to have Jesus cleanse me and change me.
Just today, I caught myself LUSTING for zero!...I caught myself or rather the Spirit pointed it out...and I was saddened at seeing the truth about myself. Here I am with a so-called "success story" of how God has removed all this weight...He really *has* done amazing things in my life, but here I still am...struggling with lusting for a 0 so I can have a certain food... Is it acceptable for me to eat that at 0? Yes, absolutely...but do I want to allow a heart issue like that to go by? No... The true "success story" will happen when I no longer react to food like that...
I am just amazed at all that God is pointing out to me about my covetous heart...whew. It floors me. After all this time, you would think I would have grown beyond this...I praise Him that he meets me not with the club of condemnation, but with welcoming arms. His kindness leads me to repentance...indeed it does.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Struggling
This is amazing...in a yucky way. I feel SO drawn to that scale in the closet in my daughter's room. I mean, I really do. I look in the mirror right now and think I see my belly pooching out...and feel like I MUST weigh myself! This compelling URGE is disdainful to me and truly exposes how I have leaned on the scale for approval and more...
I can't even pretend right now that I won't give in. I guess I want to know if not weighing myself each day "works." Boy...if that isn't flawed thinking...
The other part of me says, "No, it isn't flawed thinking. If I did weigh right now, and my weight was lower, then I could testify to that fact to everyone and they would know God is at work and we don't need our scales..." Bruuuuther.... And I go on in my thinking, "And if my weight IS up, then I better know about it and DEAL with it right now!!!"
Now the logical question is...are my clothes fitting as if I have gained? No. They are still loose. I have thought about buying the next size down jeans. I live in jeans and mine are still baggy, but in a way (see the battle going on?), having BAGGY jeans feels like I won't KNOW if I am pushing my weight back up...not until 10 pounds has been gained! So, again, I am left justifying it...bleah...
So, the other logical question is...have I been submitting my eating to the Lord? Well...yes and no. I haven't been having Oreo Milkshakes...the food I have been fasting from as a demonstration of my freedom... I did reach for a single Oreo yesterday and put it back. That is huge...I had decided that it wasn't a compromise to have AN Oreo if I was hungry and I was...but then when I grabbed it, I realized that deciding in that moment that it was ok, was not wise.
But in my other eating, I feel like I have eaten just a bit more than I had been...Instead of stopping when I am not hungry any more, I have eaten to that place just before I go beyond. I haven't eaten over a 5, but it has been more food than I typically eat. For me, the feeling of food in my stomach isn't very comfortable. Even though I can't call it a "6" or uncomfortable, I don't like that feeling. So I *had* been calling "no longer hungry" or more like a 3 my stopping place and even naming it a 5 for me.
But the past 3 days or so, I have been rationalizing that since that isn't REALLY a 5, I can keep eating...
So maybe, my anxiety and even the nightmares I have been having about my size, food, and weight (I can't believe I am having NIGHTmares about this stuff!!!) is a product of my Holy Spirit dwelling conscience saying I haven't been submitting to the Lord in the way HE wants. If I were to repent, observe and correct, DO what I know I should, maybe I wouldn't feel this compelling urge to get on the scale which...when I boil it down is STILL about:
"Have I gotten away with it?"
Hmm....
I wonder now...what will I do with all of this?
I can't even pretend right now that I won't give in. I guess I want to know if not weighing myself each day "works." Boy...if that isn't flawed thinking...
The other part of me says, "No, it isn't flawed thinking. If I did weigh right now, and my weight was lower, then I could testify to that fact to everyone and they would know God is at work and we don't need our scales..." Bruuuuther.... And I go on in my thinking, "And if my weight IS up, then I better know about it and DEAL with it right now!!!"
Now the logical question is...are my clothes fitting as if I have gained? No. They are still loose. I have thought about buying the next size down jeans. I live in jeans and mine are still baggy, but in a way (see the battle going on?), having BAGGY jeans feels like I won't KNOW if I am pushing my weight back up...not until 10 pounds has been gained! So, again, I am left justifying it...bleah...
So, the other logical question is...have I been submitting my eating to the Lord? Well...yes and no. I haven't been having Oreo Milkshakes...the food I have been fasting from as a demonstration of my freedom... I did reach for a single Oreo yesterday and put it back. That is huge...I had decided that it wasn't a compromise to have AN Oreo if I was hungry and I was...but then when I grabbed it, I realized that deciding in that moment that it was ok, was not wise.
But in my other eating, I feel like I have eaten just a bit more than I had been...Instead of stopping when I am not hungry any more, I have eaten to that place just before I go beyond. I haven't eaten over a 5, but it has been more food than I typically eat. For me, the feeling of food in my stomach isn't very comfortable. Even though I can't call it a "6" or uncomfortable, I don't like that feeling. So I *had* been calling "no longer hungry" or more like a 3 my stopping place and even naming it a 5 for me.
But the past 3 days or so, I have been rationalizing that since that isn't REALLY a 5, I can keep eating...
So maybe, my anxiety and even the nightmares I have been having about my size, food, and weight (I can't believe I am having NIGHTmares about this stuff!!!) is a product of my Holy Spirit dwelling conscience saying I haven't been submitting to the Lord in the way HE wants. If I were to repent, observe and correct, DO what I know I should, maybe I wouldn't feel this compelling urge to get on the scale which...when I boil it down is STILL about:
"Have I gotten away with it?"
Hmm....
I wonder now...what will I do with all of this?
Saturday, October 6, 2007
New Definition for "Trigger"
Hey, all...I had a thought. You know how, in Thin Within, we have a new term..."Release" instead of "Lose" weight? The "scale" is the hunger scale instead of the bathroom scale?
Well, what if we were to redefine yet another term? What if we took the term "trigger" and instead of using it to describe something that sends us into a binge or eating outside of the 0-5 parameters, we were to refer to a "trigger" as something that sets in motion a series of things that we are *intentional* about...making *godly* choices about?
For instance, someone I know of refers to having a "trigger" each week...a visit from her mother who has just been to see her therapist to help her through some intense difficulties. (I don't know about you, but I have found I need a therapist after seeing a therapist!) I guess this friend's mom likes to "debrief" with her daughter. These visits are always tough... My friend referred to this weekly visit from her mom as a "trigger" for out-of-control eating. I have also heard others refer to certain foods as "trigger" foods.
How about if we decide that something...the food or the phone call..whatever it is for you, instead of being a trigger to set off overeating, is actually a trigger for a set of intentional Spirit-led behaviors?
When (or after) I get the visit, for instance, I will:
* turn on worship music
* write out in my journal 10 gratitudes
* pray for 5 people that God lays on my heart
* call a friend in need
* go for a prayer walk
...and so on... we could actually set up a Godly routine that would be "set in motion" by the "trigger." Does that make sense?
Anyhow, just a thought...
Well, what if we were to redefine yet another term? What if we took the term "trigger" and instead of using it to describe something that sends us into a binge or eating outside of the 0-5 parameters, we were to refer to a "trigger" as something that sets in motion a series of things that we are *intentional* about...making *godly* choices about?
For instance, someone I know of refers to having a "trigger" each week...a visit from her mother who has just been to see her therapist to help her through some intense difficulties. (I don't know about you, but I have found I need a therapist after seeing a therapist!) I guess this friend's mom likes to "debrief" with her daughter. These visits are always tough... My friend referred to this weekly visit from her mom as a "trigger" for out-of-control eating. I have also heard others refer to certain foods as "trigger" foods.
How about if we decide that something...the food or the phone call..whatever it is for you, instead of being a trigger to set off overeating, is actually a trigger for a set of intentional Spirit-led behaviors?
When (or after) I get the visit, for instance, I will:
* turn on worship music
* write out in my journal 10 gratitudes
* pray for 5 people that God lays on my heart
* call a friend in need
* go for a prayer walk
...and so on... we could actually set up a Godly routine that would be "set in motion" by the "trigger." Does that make sense?
Anyhow, just a thought...
Gluttony Audio
Hi, everyone. Run, don't walk, to THIS link.
It is an audio presentation on the sin of...well...erm...GLUTTONY. Yes, gluttony.
What is gluttony, really, anyhow? Is it a "fat person" who binges all the time? Or is it, simply...eating more food than one needs with very little concern about physical appearance? Hmmm....
Crystal Munson addresses this and more, using Philippians 3:18-19 as her primary text:
For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things.
Do NOT go to the link if you don't want to be majorly convicted. 52 minutes of TRUTH sprinkled with a lot of grace, but...well, this is PURE TRUTH.
I would love to hear from you after you listen, too.
Feel free to email me at harleysheidi@gmail.com and tell me what you think. Or, better, come to the forums at the Thin Within website and discuss it there. GOOD stuff...but oooooh so convicting!!!
Let's let God speak to us...and refuse to harden our hearts any longer.
It is an audio presentation on the sin of...well...erm...GLUTTONY. Yes, gluttony.
What is gluttony, really, anyhow? Is it a "fat person" who binges all the time? Or is it, simply...eating more food than one needs with very little concern about physical appearance? Hmmm....
Crystal Munson addresses this and more, using Philippians 3:18-19 as her primary text:
For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things.
Do NOT go to the link if you don't want to be majorly convicted. 52 minutes of TRUTH sprinkled with a lot of grace, but...well, this is PURE TRUTH.
I would love to hear from you after you listen, too.
Feel free to email me at harleysheidi@gmail.com and tell me what you think. Or, better, come to the forums at the Thin Within website and discuss it there. GOOD stuff...but oooooh so convicting!!!
Let's let God speak to us...and refuse to harden our hearts any longer.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
How Subtle It Was!
I am learning so much since setting aside the Oreo milkshakes *and* the scale.
I really thought that when I got to what seemed a reasonable weight (lower than I ever imagined, really) that getting on the scale every day to "stay honest" was totally A-ok. I felt like I "didn't have a problem" with the scale.
I see now that I had been using it to condone eating whatever I could "get away with" to stay at that weight! I have no idea what my weight is doing right now...so because I don't have that "go ahead," I *am* more in tune with what God is saying to me about 0 and about stopping eating.
It is interesting to me that these two things were feeding one another. Because the scale stayed at a certain weight, I justified eating even when not hungry...and since I was eating when not hungry, I felt compelled to "keep on top of things" by weighing. Both are reflective of a heart not heeding the voice of the Spirit!
And I wondered how I had developed a hardened heart! HA! There it is! Plainly.
That said, if I had to do it again, would I not get on a scale during the releasing of weight stage of my journey? I think I *might* change my approach and depend even less on the scale than I did. Last night at my new support group I am leading, someone asked me if she should weigh only now and again at the end of 12 weeks, when our study closes...and I really couldn't answer that. It will have to be between her and the Lord...and I trust that he will make it clear. I don't think it helps to get on it even weekly and I know Judy Halliday hasn't owned a scale in 30 years! LOL!
Anyhow, it floors me to see how subtly this prideful attitude had crept in. The scale use was all in the name of "to keep me honest." HA! The Holy Spirit can do that! I know I have said that before...but who will I obey...God or the scale? Just because the scale doesn't expose my greed or pride doesn't mean it isn't there! Now I come face to face with it!
Funny how that is.
I really thought that when I got to what seemed a reasonable weight (lower than I ever imagined, really) that getting on the scale every day to "stay honest" was totally A-ok. I felt like I "didn't have a problem" with the scale.
I see now that I had been using it to condone eating whatever I could "get away with" to stay at that weight! I have no idea what my weight is doing right now...so because I don't have that "go ahead," I *am* more in tune with what God is saying to me about 0 and about stopping eating.
It is interesting to me that these two things were feeding one another. Because the scale stayed at a certain weight, I justified eating even when not hungry...and since I was eating when not hungry, I felt compelled to "keep on top of things" by weighing. Both are reflective of a heart not heeding the voice of the Spirit!
And I wondered how I had developed a hardened heart! HA! There it is! Plainly.
That said, if I had to do it again, would I not get on a scale during the releasing of weight stage of my journey? I think I *might* change my approach and depend even less on the scale than I did. Last night at my new support group I am leading, someone asked me if she should weigh only now and again at the end of 12 weeks, when our study closes...and I really couldn't answer that. It will have to be between her and the Lord...and I trust that he will make it clear. I don't think it helps to get on it even weekly and I know Judy Halliday hasn't owned a scale in 30 years! LOL!
Anyhow, it floors me to see how subtly this prideful attitude had crept in. The scale use was all in the name of "to keep me honest." HA! The Holy Spirit can do that! I know I have said that before...but who will I obey...God or the scale? Just because the scale doesn't expose my greed or pride doesn't mean it isn't there! Now I come face to face with it!
Funny how that is.