Sometimes, even if I seem to be in a deep pit where I can't see my way clear, it doesn't take much for me to get clarity. Sometimes an honest step back is all it takes.
I haven't been taking time to be with my horses much lately. In the past week, I have taken way more time than in the previous 4 weeks put together!
Today, just after posting my previous blog entry, I met a friend out at the "Omstead Loop." There, I had a most amazing ride on my horse, Harley, my heartbeat. Once again, he was the perfect gentleman. Even my friend commented on how much he has changed... YAY!
It is funny how being out there is so cathartic, so therapeutic for me. I have said that in the past that if I would just allow myself that time with my horses out on the trail, perhaps things wouldn't seem so horribly intense when I am at home or facing "issues." None of the situations I am currently facing went away, certainly, but I found myself "softening"...which is a term we use in the kind of horsemanship I practice for a change in the mind and heart of the horse (and rider) that affects the body--the feet--the posture as well.
A softening of my heart and mind has happened that is affecting my posture toward the Lord in this...
As I returned home after such a delightful morning out on the trail, I found myself willing to at least work on the need to forgive, instead of shutting down. I *am* tired of always being soooo myopic, but I know that the Lord is using this time of processing to go deep...a deep cleansing is happening.
So far today, my eating has been fine. :-)
Posted by
trainedbyhorses
1 comments:
Hi Heidi,
It amazes me how much your comments sink into the deepest parts of my soul.
Although my struggles are not exactly the same as yours, I too am at the place of facing fear and struggle and I find myself numbing myself with old coping mechanisms such as food.
For me it is being put in very difficult or unrealistic situations at work and being expected to perform with perfection and be able to read the mind of my "boss" so it is done to her pleasing.
I am such a people pleaser, especially when dealing with those in authority over me and so I want to do my job perfectly or as close to perfect even if it is near to impossible. It doesn't help that if it isn't the way my "boss" is thinking...(which she doesn't tell me ahead of time and even if she does will change her mind!) I get raked over the coals or spoken to ugly.
This is EXACTLY the way I was treated by my dad while growing up. I never could do anything good enough to please him and never really felt completely loved by him. (I do now, by the way as our relationship is much better.)
The strange thing is, years ago I had made peace with my dad, forgiven him, went through a great Bible Study to help me with this, etc. etc....
So, why do I find myself in these situations (mainly at work) over and over again? It was this way at my previous job, too!!!!
Although situations ARE really as impossible as they seem and very stressful (because all the other teachers talk about it, too and get frustrated), for some reason, God is allowing this in my life.
I KNOW.....turn to Him, let Him carry me, work for the Lord and no one else.
I am really trying to do that and I KNOW I can only do it in His power.
Each day is a new day that I give to the Lord. It is a constant surrender.
Oh how I want to jump out of this frying pan!!! I find myself doing things to escape because it feels just too "hot" for me to survive this.
BUT....I must just keep on....each day asking Jesus for rescue and remembering that I am only to look to HIM as the one I please and the one who comforts and the one who loves me even if I am unable to read the mind of others and can not perform to their unrealistic expectations!
Jesus, help us to turn to YOU. Only You can heal the deepest parts of our souls.
We love You, Lord.
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