God Is Doing a New Thing

Blind-sided...hit out of no where. Hit and laid flat.

Yesterday morning dawned and I was feeling chipper, alive, rested, good. I applied myself to doing things that needed getting done, not the least of which was finishing up the house cleaning.

Having made headway on that, I sat down at the laptop to work through a lesson online. I have committed to learning "CSS," to develop my ability as a website designer. A highly recommended book took me to Amazon.com where, after ordering the book for learning CSS, I saw "Recommended for You" and clicked somewhat mindlessly (distracted, really) on an image of a book. The book image is enlarged on the left...The title is Longing for Daddy: Healing from the Pain of an Absent or Emotionally Distant Father.

Looking at the image cover, pondering the title...and a part of my heart that had been walled off from feeling began to crack...the dike burst. I was hit by a wave of overwhelming sorrow. Yes, I was blind-sided. Absolutely hit out of nowhere! The image on the cover of someone waiting, clearly lonely...and lingering quietly for "Daddy," -- it all resonated with me.

I wish I could say that all of the things I have been learning lately and posting about here at the blog were applied with eagerness in that moment and that the thoughts that came to me were taken captive and surrendered to Christ. I wish I could tell you I was victorious and that I lived out the greater truth than the one that broad-sided me (that of having an emotionally distant father who is now deceased). But nope...I was run over, flattened, wiped out.

In that moment (and all of yesterday, really) the fact that "I am 100% accepted by and acceptable to the God of this universe" sure didn't seem to matter much. All I knew was the pain of never measuring up to my earthly father's standards...I wasn't good enough...I wasn't pretty enough, thin enough, talented enough...and now he is gone. It is too late.

How did I handle it? By running.

Deep called to deep, but I wasn't answering. Like Jonah, I hit the road. I had already felt swallowed alive by a bottomless, overwhelming emptiness.

Surely, God wanted me to "be still and know." To know HIS sufficiency, HIS truth, HIS love. But he also wanted me to sit with the pain I was feeling. To rest in it, to give it a voice, to invite Him into it.

I would have none of it.

So what did I do? I reverted to old behaviors.

I ate.

I plunged myself into computer work.

I napped.

After my nap, I woke up with fat machinery in full throttle and ate some more.

All the while I knew that God--my Heavenly Abba--called. I didn't answer the phone...I turned a deaf ear. I turned my back. I rejected His plan for this pain.

It is interesting...what happened didn't surprise God at all. He knew that I would face that link at Amazon.com yesterday morning. He knew...no, he orchestrated it...for my good. Not for my undoing. The undoing part happened when, in my arrogance, I rejected his loving, healing hand.

He has a plan and a purpose for our pain. I know this. In fact, sometimes godly vision comes through pain.

What he wanted was my healing, but all I could think of was how painful the process is. I just couldn't stand that...well, I am sure I could have. When I put my hand in his and allow him to lead me, choosing to trust him...he makes it possible in His strength--through the pain.

So this morning when my husband left for an early flight to Colorado at 4am and I couldn't get back to sleep, I knew it was time to answer the call I ignored all day yesterday. I made my way to the living room where a fire glowed a welcome invitation to this place, this time, this divine purpose. Journal and bible in hand, I made my way to the couch and poured out my heart to God over this. I wanted to get angry, wanted to blame--which is a convenient way of steering away from the pain and going down a rabbit trail. I angrily asked God how he could possibly have allowed someone like my earthly father to be a father. He reminded me that this isn't about whose fault it was. It was about my woundedness. My silent hunger...all the things I have been reading about and learning and more. Somehow, I had insulated myself against the "Dad stuff" until that moment at Amazon.com.

I have never been able to relate to God has Father. It has been almost impossible for me. At times, I get close to maybe being able to call him that...but typically, no. It stands to reason that He would want me to deal with this as it hinders my relating to him in all the ways that he wants me to relate to him.

After crying out in prayer, wiping the tears and throwing my kleenex in the wood-burning stove, I decided to look at what Jesus says to me about the Father in my bible. I turned to the gospel of John and invited Abba to show me Himself as my Heavenly Father.

The portrait that emerged even in the first 11 chapters of the gospel of John warmed my heart. Again, a greater Truth to counter my truth. I have generated a list of things that describe the Father according to Jesus and will continue this study through the rest of the gospel of John and possibly other books of the bible as well.

The thing that has struck me is the tenderness that emerges in this list. There is tenderness, strength, and reliability. I was touched to see that the Father seeks us--seeks me. The Father wants me to belong to Him for eternity. The Father has given me as a gift to Jesus... Gosh...who gives gifts that they don't value?

The list is amazing and definitely softens my heart to God as my Heavenly Father. I know that this is only the beginning.

When I put this together with the truths of the past couple of months, it really is something that sets me up as if on a mountain top high over any deluge of a bursting levee. I mean, this God, this Father, this One who is working even now, who gives the dead life, who judges no one but who has entrusted judgment to Jesus, this one who give the true bread from heaven, who offers praise to people (imagine that!...just look at John 5:45)...this is the one who accepts me 100% and finds me 100% acceptable.

It is astonishing. I am glad for a new day, new mercies...tender mercies.

Somehow, the feeling of needing to run, to numb out doesn't seem so great today. I can honestly say that the heartache was compounded yesterday by running from my Heavenly Father instead of sitting at His feet. The pain that I felt in his presence was worth the joy of having him reveal himself to me. I can't begin to pretend that its over and we are ready to move on from this, but I am optimistic...and willing to relate to God as my Father. That is HUGE.

When it comes to walking this thing out in the dust of the earth...SO WHAT? Great theological truths like:

I have been justified by God.
I am reconciled to God.
I am 100% accepted by and acceptable TO God right now where I am

...leave one wondering "So what?" "How does this impact my life right now?" "I just want to lose weight!" "I want to be THIN!"

The authors of Get Thin Stay Thin (formerly Thin Again and Silent Hunger) don't leave us wondering:

When we know that our value is based on our new identity in Christ, we take on a godly sense of self-worth. With this comes a new direction and purpose in our lives: to live in such a way as to honor the one who laid down his life to give us security and significance. Get Thin Stay Thin, page 108

I can honestly say that this is happening with me now. My beliefs are finally making it through to my heart and to my actions. It has been a tremendously slow process, but I see the fruit. My actions really are affected by what I believe. And how we act sometimes reveals what we really believe in spite of what we say!

For so long, my theology and my reality haven't seemed anything like one another. I guess in many ways, I didn't really believe what I said I did! It comes back to that old illustration of "If I say I believe the chair will hold me but refuse to sit in it, do I really believe the chair will hold me?" My action, or inaction, shows what I really believe about the chair.

Our beliefs have a very powerful influence on our eating habits and our identity. ...we must set aside the false beliefs that determined our old character and actions and enter into our renewed mind. Only then will we experience the renewal of our beliefs, thoughts, and actions and ultimately the transformation of our character. Our goal is to be transformed by the renewing of our minds so that we can discard the fat machinery of the past and establish present time eating. GTST, p. 114

Again, fat machinery is those things we believe or do sort of "automatically" that result in eating without engaging the brain. They can be conditioned responses (turn on a video and out comes the popcorn) or responses to trauma or other emotions (we celebrate by having a feast) or even unworkable beliefs (have to eat 3 "square" meals a day to be healthy)...that sort of thing. Many of the things that affect our eating, as we have seen, are based in false beliefs or believing lies. We want to throw out all of those beliefs and allow God to renew our minds, transform our thinking. As we embrace TRUTH and take on new beliefs, our actions will be affected!

A solid sense of your identity and worth is the precursor to your ability to eat and live according to God's intent and to being the person he designed you to be. GTST, p. 118

Lord, I pray that we might cast aside all the unworkable beliefs and lies that we have knowingly or unwittingly embraced. May we embrace the truth that you have redeemed us, forgiven us, and stand as Almighty Judge of the Universe declaring us NOT GUILTY--we have been reconciled and justified. Amazing, Lord. May this truth affect our actions...May we know when we reach for food outside of godly boundaries that we were created for more than this. Help us to respect ourselves with the esteem with which you have attributed to us. We belong to you. You purchased us. We are yours. May we treat "your property" appropriately, Lord, and allow your truth to establish our sense of value and worth. No matter who may reject, hurt, or fail me, this great truth--that you LOVE and ACCEPT me unconditionally--over-rides that...it is astounding. Thank you, Lord. In Christ's Name, Amen.

Weeks ago, flight 1549 made a dangerous landing...perfectly executed in the Hudson River, saving the lives of 155 passengers aboard. The credit goes to the pilot who risked everything to attempt the impossible.

Sunday at church, our pastor--Mike Ernst--did a masterful job illustrating the fullness of God's grace by using a clip from the 60 Minutes TV show that aired a week or so ago. This particular show, filmed a reunion of flight 1549 passengers with the pilot and crew who saved their lives. Here is a short video clip of this reunion:

Imagine any one of those passengers standing up and saying, "I just want you to know that I did MY part to be sure that the landing in the Hudson River was safe." I mean the idea is preposterous. The passengers did nothing. The rescue was all about the pilot. The passengers were the beneficiaries of his wisdom, his gift, his potential sacrifice. There is NOTHING any of them did to be safe--to be alive to see the next day.

So, too, with us. There is nothing we can do to be acceptable to God. NOTHING. God has attributed Christ's own righteousness to us. Christ became sin. We became His righteousness. Once we embrace Christ's gift given for and to us, we are reconciled to God--completely, unconditionally, totally--all based on what HE has done.


If you have "blown it" right now, nothing...nothing can keep you from the love of God found in Christ Jesus our Lord. He has "piloted" you to safety...out of the danger and potential of ever having to face God's wrath. In fact, you never can do anything to make him turn his face away from you. You are totally acceptable to Him due to nothing you have done and nothing you do can change that.

You can't do anything to make your "rescue" complete. To imagine that you could would be every bit as outlandish as if any of those passengers on Flight 1549 claimed any of the credit for saving his/her own life.

--> Do you believe that there is nothing you can do to win God's acceptance?

How might this belief, embraced fully, affect how you view your struggle with food, eating and your body?

Lord, thank you that you have accepted us through Christ...100%...completely. There is nothing we can do to lose this standing with you and there is nothing we can do to gain it. Thank you for the complete reconciliation you have offered, you have provided for through Christ's sacrifice on the cross. Lord, please help me to embrace this TRUTH completely and may it affect my choices day to day, moment by moment. When I find myself struggling with feelings of failure, or pain at my own hand or at the hand of others, I pray that I would be mindful of just how astonishing it is..."The God of the Universe accepts me completely...as I am..." May this truth transform us from the inside out. In the precious name of Jesus, Amen.

...right now...right as you are...no strings attached. You are...you are.

How does this TRUTH sit with you?

Does it seem presumptuous? Impossible?




Think about this for a minute...

If we allowed this to affect us, if we believed it as if it were true--and it IS...then, when we face defeat, failure--our own or someone else's crashing into us--when we can't believe we have messed up again...think of this...we can couple the pain of our feelings with this mighty truth:

Doing this won't just numb me to the reality, but it will over-ride the pain in the reality! It is a BIGGER, GREATER, more ASTOUNDING reality!!!

Maybe you can tell that I am really excited about this. And it does connect with Get Thin Stay Thin chapter 5! How cool is that! :-)

[The] undeniable, unavoidable longing for a sense of value is a sanctified hunger placed in us by God's design, but we will never experience inner peace until we face the truth that nothing of this world--our appearance, our performance, others' opinions of us, or our past experiences--can fulfill our longing for security and significance. GTST, p.101.

Our silent hunger will persist unsatisfied until we can see ourselves not through the eyes of the world, but through the eyes of our loving Lord. GTST, p. 102

Do you see it? Our world says we must act, be, do everything a certain way to win approval and acceptance! We get stuck in that mode and we put ourselves through strict paces...we MUST do this "Thin Within Thing" perfectly or we beat ourselves up. We must have the perfect body, we must love God perfectly...and if we don't, we drag out that club of condemnation and don't stop beating ourselves up with it.

What's worse, we assume that this is God's way!

This is the enemy's delight.

It is a lie that the enemy has crafted and that the world has bought into. As with many things, the exact OPPOSITE thing is true...God has done it all. Every single solitary bit of your "acceptability" to God is because of what Jesus had done. ALL of it.

More on that tomorrow!

For now, I challenge you and me...will we believe God? Will we choose to believe that what he says is true? That he accepts us totally now? Without hesitation? Without condition? Without my having to jump through a single hoop?

--> How might believing, embracing, applying this truth affect your life? Affect your eating? Affect how you view your body?

Feel free to share in the comments! I love hearing from you!

This one is bowling me over! It has been radically affecting the way I live!

WHOO HOO! :-)

More thoughts from Chapter 5 of Get Thin Stay Thin, formerly known as Thin Again and Silent Hunger, by Arthur and Judy Halliday...
---

I wrote about Chapter 5 a little bit previously, in this blog entry. God has given us a desire to experience intimacy, connection, and worth, but we so often settle for counterfeits. The authors of Get Thin Stay Thin state that one of the reasons this is the case is often rooted in our upbringing. Many of us are quick to blame our current struggles on our pasts. Always "the victim," we have a blind spot--that of needing to own our choice to sin. We are free in Christ to choose. If we struggle with sin, we do not have the right to blame our choice to sin on our pasts. We may have a predisposition to struggle with a certain sin because of experiences we have had, but in Christ, we are VICTORS, not VICTIMS.

On the other hand, others of us refuse to consider that there may be reasons for what we struggle with now. We minimize that we are a product--at least in part--of our past experiences. We don't connect our current beliefs with these experiences and, in not making the connection, we can often stay stuck.

As we identify the legitimate reasons we may struggle with a sin, and confess our choice to sin, we find freedom. There is a balance we need to find.

It is my prayer that all of us will seek the TRUTH--God's truth. What is mine to own, I will own. What is a result of experiences of my past, I will allow God to reveal to me, dismantle and transform my beliefs about myself and about Him by the renewing of my mind.

With these things in mind, I share the following quotes from chapter 5:

...we are born into families where faulty dynamics may deprive us of the intimacy, security and significance God intended...Unable to distinguish between the negative messages sent by family members and our own sense of self-worth, we assume the deficiency lies with us. The result is shame--a feeling we are defective, valueless creatures who do not deserve the good things in life. GTST, p. 99-100

If the enemy and his minions have their way, we will be convinced--believe--this lie! But this is hardly what God's Word says. The very fact that He gave His Son for us demonstrates that we are far from "defective, valueless creatures."

--> Do you tend to think of yourself in these terms? Or do you see yourself as treasured, priceless, esteemed by the Ultimate, Almighty, Sovereign God of the Universe? Consider how who you believe yourself to be may affect your behavior. I know it affects mine!

The shame that is rooted in our childhood experiences, leaves us with a prevailing sense of worthlessness and insignificance that can lead to the false belief that we are hopeless and cannot change. Our lives then become a quest to prove our worth and to achieve a sense of security and significance by our own efforts. GTST, p. 100.

Oh, how true I have seen this to be! I go on quest after quest to prove I have value. For a season, it was as a "Graphic Design Queen" (sometimes it still is). For another season it was as "Church Lady"-- or Bible Study Coordinator...and it has even been as the "Poster Child for Thin Within!" All of these (and more!) have been attempts to create little kingdoms where I can feel good about myself. It seems as though if I can't ascend to a throne of an established "kingdom," I will build my own little empire and declare myself ruler.

What a relief to stop this madness! What a relief to begin to change my beliefs--that God has declared me of great worth!

Those of us who struggle with food, eating, and weight, may spend our lives performing for acceptance because we equate our self-concept with personal appearance. When our reflection in the mirror is less than perfect we may continue our abusive patterns of starving or stuffing. GTST, p. 101

This is why for me, The Search For Significance materials have dovetailed so beautifully with the work I am doing with Get Thin Stay Thin. The two are intricately interwoven and connected. Having "ascended to the throne" of "Queen Thin Within" (said with tongue firmly planted in cheek), I have felt this pressure to keep up the appearance...the appearance...the appearance. I have been consumed with my physical appearance. It is easy for this to happen because over the past couple of years, I have gotten so many accolades and praises for losing the weight or looking the way I do now.

It makes sense that if I feel that my crown is slipping, that I am falling off the throne...that I have physically changed ...gotten bigger...even if "only" by ten pounds, that I would feel devastated. My self-concept has been SO connected to my physical appearance!

It doesn't help that the enemy declares "Ha! Fraud! Impostor! Fake!" as he laughs with glee. He plays on the shame that is rooted in my past...that I am defective and valueless.

So, punishing myself, for a short while, I returned to some of the behaviors of the past.

I am so thankful that I haven't just thrown in the towel like I have in the past. I haven't accepted the "crown" of "defeat," "loser" that the enemy would have me embrace.

No, I stand knowing that I am precious in God's site, that my performance does not define who I am, or my worth! I have invited the Lord to renew my mind with this belief, this TRUTH. My performance does not define who I am and my value. I do not need to rally to win the approval of others--OR of GOD!!!--in order to press on with my head up!

As I shared in yesterday's blog entry, he has been doing a new thing and continues to do so...a much deeper, eternal thing. My physical body won't be going with me to glory! Who I am becoming will.

I know the blog name is "God is Doing a New Thing." I think, though, that I take for granted that I have used up all my "new thing" tokens and he is doing the same old thing or a new new thing in someone else this week... :-)

I had a huge revelation this morning, though.

Let me back up. My accountability partner and dear friend leads a Thin Within group at a church that meets near Sacramento. She has had me speak to her group a couple of times and I have absolutely LOVED being with those ladies. I love sharing time with them and having the privilege of telling them about a few things I have learned being on this journey so long. It has been a delight to my heart.

Last night on the phone, Kim asked me again, "We want you to come again and speak with the group." I hemmed and hawed and put her off...explaining that I need to find out if this is a season for me to be quiet while God works on me. I figured it would be pride that would keep me yacking in front of others when my size is up from my "final" weight. While I haven't continued to gain weight--I am holding steady at this size--I feel like...well, a *failure*... and I mentioned to Kim that I don't want to be a hypocrite. (Yup...I used that word!) We left it at I would let her know when I felt like I could do it. Hmm...

Truthfully, as I thought and prayed about it this morning, my response baffled me a bit. I am working on shaking the approval addiction, fear of failure, and the performance trap...yet what did my response indicate? That I was still caught up in it...very much so.

This morning as I sat praying about how I felt at her invitation I had a "BFO" or "Blinding Flash of the Obvious" strike me...DUH!

This is what I wrote in my prayer journal:

Lord, Kim has asked me to come speak to her group again. Please help me to shake shame as I think that is precisely what I feel. My feeling is how could I possibly speak to these ladies about how to do this thing when I clearly look different than I used to? I mean, what if they notice the 10 pounds? Please help me to know if you want me to go to her class. If you want me to share, then of course I want to! But, Lord, I also don't want this to feed my Approval Addiction. I don't want to allow a constant need for approval of others and fear of failure to determine my actions either way. I do feel like a failure...my performance stinks...

...continuing in my prayer journal...this is the part where the light bulb goes on...

...It's weird because apart from my physical size changing, I sure don't feel like a failure! I feel like I am doing what YOU want!

Wow...I just realized, Lord...if I could strip away what the scale says or the way my favorite Levis fit...if I could forget about outward appearance for just a moment--I would see something else entirely! I would see that:

• I delight to grow and change
• I have made and am making hard decisions--for instance to speak out about something in obedience to you, even risking losing approval of others when doing so
• I have been practically processing things and obeying you--not always perfectly, but definitely in difficult choices!
• I have given up an extreme dependence on diet soda that held me in captivity for 30 years!!!!
• I like the changes I am making in response to your leadership, Lord!
• I am not allowing my need for success with my horses to drive my decisions or determine how I feel about myself any longer. Maybe it isn't a need any more!
  
• I am doing what YOU say and letting go of the rest.
• I am making hard choices, listening to your voice.
• I am risking reaching out to love others
• I am being authentic...
  

Do I have this worked out perfectly? No...but wow! That is a great list! I think I like myself for the first time in a long time!!! Thank you, Lord, for all you are doing in me! THIS IS A NEW THING FOR SURE!

...So...WHY let my physical size get in the way of delighting in all you are doing in me? I still fight the fight against the lusts of the flesh. I still try to say no to the cookies when I am not at a 0...and sometimes succeed in saying no!

What a breakthrough for me to see this--that I am experiencing "success" at what really matters. I know that if this IS my set size...the size YOU want me to be...I am OK with it. It is ok. How I look compared to how I used to look isn't the most important thing...it is what you have done and are doing in my heart that matters. I am no longer enslaved by the lust of my flesh that kept me drinking copious quantities of addicting and damaging chemicals... PRAISE YOU, LORD! And thank you for the safety of an incredible accountability partner who esteems me, but speaks TRUTH to me. THANK YOU.

===

So, as you can see, this is a huge breakthrough. I am not sure, yet, what it will mean about when I will share with Kim's class, but I see now that Satan was trying to convince me that it was pride that would cause me to want to share. The truth is, it would be SHAME keeping me from it...

Another lie from the pit of hell has been rendered IMPOTENT by the power and truth of Christ! Praising his name!

--> How about you? Is there any way that you are wearing ungodly shame and calling it something else? Are there things God has been doing in your life as you travel this road that you are overlooking because you are fixating on your physical appearance? Yes, we want to be healthy physically, but what is eternal is something much deeper. God works both, but sometimes it may be the long way around...he is after the heart *now* and the physical body will follow.

--> Can you relate at all to my struggle? Have your favorite pair of jeans become an idol and you will do anything to be able to wear them? Has a number on a man-made bathroom scale become your measurement for "success?" Is what size you are or what you weigh more important than releasing obsession, addictions, and unhealthy practices? It sure has been for me...I am so thankful for God's grace that has exposed the lies...and that continues to to so. So many blind spots, even still! It amazes me!


Let's CELEBRATE the new thing HE IS DOING! :-)

Life seems crazy these days. I have been tired and so my time in the morning has been short before the day begins to place its demands on me. I haven't had time to sit and blog like I would like to. I love my early mornings with the Lord, and sleeping "in" until 6:30am has eroded the leisurely time I usually have with all quiet in the house.

Yesterday, as the day got rolling, I found myself irritable without explanation. I was desperate for some time away from demands of the home, the kids, the phone. I knew it called for one thing...time on my horse. :-) I am so blessed.

I needed not just time with my horse, but time up on the ridge. So, I planned on riding up there to where I can see the Sierra Nevada mountains covered with snow and the river below. My spirit and soul needed to be restored and I always experience God's healing touch in my heart and soul when I am out there. I also planned to hike up to the top so that Breezy wouldn't have to haul me up there, given he is a bit out of shape after the weather has benched us for the past 3 or 4 weeks! I wanted the exercise. It DID feel good to move!

As I was hauling away with Breezy in the trailer I realized I was FAMISHED! Yikes! It was only 10:30 in the morning, yet there I was hungry and leaving the last opportunity for food behind for at least a couple of hours! Oh well. I figured I would survive it. (This is huge...5 years ago, the thought would have sent me into a panic. It still can these days, too!)

With the beauty of the day (it was 65 degrees!) and the crystal clear sky, the company of a great horse :-), lots of fresh spring grass, I didn't think of food again until we were hauling home 2 hours later! I actually forgot all about food. At 1pm I had a great lunch...taste buds all "perky" since I was so hungry!

It was interesting to me how important food had seemed when I was driving off, heading toward the staging area where Breezy and I would ride...and how easily I forgot about it as I got involved in something I loved and needed. I love to pray on my solitary rides...I sometimes lift my hands in praise and sometimes sing a praise song or hymn or two! "How Great is our God" goes great from the top of a mountain when the snow-capped Sierra's are in view! I am so blessed. I live just 15 minutes from the trailhead where Breezy and I hiked! (As you can see in the photo, he didn't have to wait to have something to eat!)

Here is a photo, though it was taken before we reached the top!

Funny how I didn't even think of food when my heart and mind and soul and spirit (and body!) were caught up in other wonderful things! Lesson here for me! :-)

When I grow up, I simply HAVE to meet this lady in person and go to Disneyland with her. Here is a link to a post from her blog that is SO right on the money. Be blessed, challenged, convicted, encouraged, as you read! Bookmark or Google Reader her site so you can keep up with her journey. GREAT stuff there! She has a great sense of humor, too!

Think for a minute about a counterfeit...counterfeit money or counterfeit jewelry or a counterfeit of a great work of art. Designed to look, act, seem to be the real thing, there is one small problem with a counterfeit--it isn't the real thing. It doesn't cut it. On the surface, sure--all appears in place. But not once you get deeper. Just as it would be appalling to welcome an impostor disguised as someone you know and love into your home, it misses the mark when we welcome counterfeit means of meeting deep needs of our hearts with fakes, counterfeits, "impostors."

God declares you worthy of love, connection, and intimacy as His precious children for whom he sacrificed his only son. Your security, significance and self-worth are firmly established in this truth. As his children, your need to be valued, cared for, appreciated, and connected to another is rooted and grounded in God's love. Get Thin Stay Thin, p. 99

It is a God-given need to experience intimacy, connection, and worth...God has gifted us with this desire and its proper fulfillment... GTST, p. 99

If I think about this for a minute it really isn't where I live. This need for these things. Well, it seems like a curse more often than a gift. Left unfulfilled, it results in pain...and that is why I turn to things to not feel.

The key is proper fulfillment.

What is "proper fulfillment?"

If I can discover that, I know the drive to "numb out" wouldn't be there! The counterfeits wouldn't be so appealing as the real thing would more than suffice!

The authors of Get Thin Stay Thin point out that in our families of origin, these needs were not only often left unmet, but we received messages that actually countered God's truths. Most of us were in dysfunctional families...people did their best, perhaps, but nevertheless, they sent us messages that we interpreted as devaluing. We began to believe we were deficient, valueless...and shame may have begun to grow very early. We may believe we don't "deserve" the good things in life as a result.

Last night, when I was meeting with my accountability partner, God revealed that he had shown us both the same thing...there is a core belief operating that comes (for me at least) out of my dysfunctional upbringing. It is a belief that flies in the face of GOD'S TRUTH.

The false belief (lie) that:

I do NOT deserve to be thin, healthy, and happy.

I used to discount this notion... the notion that I embraced this false belief. It sounded like so much psycho-babble, frankly.

But working through the Get Thin Stay Thin book (what used to be Thin Again and Silent Hunger), I realize it IS true. The messages communicated to me growing up were that I was a mistake, a bother, a lot of trouble and unwanted. Somehow, I have taken a hold of that and turned it into a definition of my value or worth now...and if I have little value or worth, I definitely don't deserve a happy life...or a rich, blessed life...a joy-filled life and anything "good."

As a result, I have been desperately trying to sabotage all that God has been trying to work in me and through me. I lost the weight that I did probably by sheer determination--a "Just Do It" mentality--but I have been battling keeping the weight off, sabotaging everything...so now God is showing me the truth behind the following words in the Get Thin Stay Thin book:

God calls us, through the most basic function of our daily life, to look deeply into ourselves, to look beyond a simple change in our size or outer appearance: He wants to transform us from the inside out for eternity. GTST, p. 117.

This is about so much more than losing weight and keeping it off!

There is no condemnation (Romans 8:1). God sent His son into the world not to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him (John 3:16-17).

But I keep condemning myself!

If we believe at all that we aren't *worthy* of having a healthy physical body, or of enjoying being thin or something related..we may very well continue to sabotage our own efforts.

For me this comes back to allowing the Lord to renew my mind with HIS truth. Replacing those lies I embrace with HIS truth. Rejecting my old unworkable beliefs. He says I am worth dying for. Certainly HE defines my worth as being that beyond anything I could fathom given the price he paid to redeem me...It is stunning to consider.

I am working on changing what I believe as I know that beliefs affect my actions...the very actions that I don't understand about myself...derailing my efforts to honor God with my eating and drinking. To grab at the counterfeits when I know they are impostors masquerading as satisfaction.

Lord, please help us to embrace truth about our value and worth in your sight. I pray that we might reject the lies of the enemy that keep us wallowing in a place from which you have set us free. We think we don't deserve to leave our prison cells. So, even though the chains have fallen and the doors are open, we stay in our cells, frittering away our lives, beating ourselves up, convinced we deserve that or less. Oh, Lord, we must reject these things. Help us to allow you to lift our eyes...to see the doors are wide open, you have set us, the captives, free! You have chosen to attribute to us Christ's righteousness. We aren't just forgiven. We have been given the righteousness of Christ. Because of your declaration and all you have accomplished, we "deserve" all the blessings that go along with the inheritance of your precious son! Oh, what a great amazing gift this is! May we walk in the splendor of the calling we have received! May we reject lies and embrace YOUR truth...step into the freedom you have for us. Help us to believe the truth, Lord. In the Name of Jesus and for His Sake, Amen.

I wanted to share how I have been using this chart. The first example is Sunday's chart.

Date: Sunday 02-15-09

The following is Monday's chart:

Time	Start #	End #	Observations	Corrections
8:30am	0	5	~	~
Noon	0	6	* Limited myself on the # of fries I ate. YAY! * Stopped eating before everyone else had. YAY! - Ate too fast. - Was thirsty at the end of the meal and drank soda...putting me over the 5 that I had stopped eating at.	- I must continue to work on slowing down my eating. Putting down my fork or, in this case, doing something else with my fingers (it was all finger food) might be a good idea. In the past, I have gotten up to use the restroom in the middle of the meal to give my stomach time to process the meal. That helps. - I need to keep in mind that I don't want to have more soda than one small cupful. I either need to drink water, too...or not drink anything until the end (not preferable...) or...Actually, eating slower will probably help me space things a bit better. Having less salty foods might help, too.
6:00pm	0	5	* Chose to have partial portion of dessert and the rest later. GOOD! :-)	~
9:45pm	0	5	~	~

I had more success keeping my eating between 0 and 5, but notice that I included POSITIVE "observations" as well. I wanted to recognize and share with my accountability partner some of the *good* choices that I made...

Anyhow, again, I hope this helps. We really do need to give credit to the Lord for the many ways he is working inside of us. Each time I say no to the flesh and deny myself, I am investing a bit more in what HE desires for me for all of eternity. The cool thing is, with God's economy, when I "slip up" or "mess up," it doesn't negate all of the moments that I have made good choices. Not at all. Thinking that a "slip up" ruins the day is a vestige of my dieting days. The truth is, any time I capture this moment, this choice for the Lord, he makes it count as an investment in something much greater! THIS MOMENT MATTERS! :-)

Who wants to experience pain? Not most of us, certainly. I am no different than most. So I know that it is understandable that during the years I was growing up, I used means and methods that I could to numb the pain of living in a dysfunctional family.

I continue to this day to tend to rely on those, only now, now that I am no longer a child, now that I am responsible and aware of what the Lord desires in my life, I know that to rely on these coping mechanisms is less than what he intends for me...or is sin. (Not a very popular word, "sin." It just means less than what God intends--falling short of his plan.)

Here are yet more thoughts on Get Thin Stay Thin, chapter 4
=======

Where once our struggle with food, eating, and weight served as a coping mechanism, a way to survive emotional pain, now as we begin to heal from our past hurts, we establish a godly sense of our identity and worth and open ourselves to new ways of dealing with feelings and relationships. Then the true miracle occurs. Where once we experienced an unsanctified hunger (our appetite) based on the lust of the flesh, we now begin to experience a sanctified hunger--the hunger for God's love, intimacy, and the transformation of our hearts. GTST, p. 92

I am seeing afresh that in order to go through this process, I have to be willing to sit a while with the pain--to feel it. It isn't pleasant. But it is necessary. As I feel the pain, I am able to turn to the Lord and ask Him what his intention is for it. He can use it for my spiritual formation and growth. The very reason he allows pain into my life will not be thwarted. When I numb out to the pain I feel, I keep myself from that which he intends to use the pain to accomplish. This means that sooner or later, he will need to bring it along again (and again...and again...) until I allow what he intends. Coping mechanisms keep me from HIS best. I am at a place where I really would like to learn what he wants and press on to whatever is next! Enough with messing around!

Where once we wanted only to lose weight, we now begin to experience a sanctified hunger--the hunger for God's love, intimacy and the transformation of our hearts. Where once we wanted only to lose weight, we now begin to recognize and desire God's greater purpose--not simply to constrain our doing (our eating) by the law, but to conform our being (our character and intention of our hearts) by grace. GTST, p. 92

So many of us, even as we "commit" to this process of eating when we are hungry and stopping when we are no longer hungry--yes, even those of us who leave dieting behind forever (YAY!)--allow ourselves to hyper-fixate on the scale or on losing weight. I know I have done that and do even now. But the truth is, this isn't about losing weight. It is about so much more. Something eternal. God has so much more for us than to be tormented by food and weight. He is after a character overhaul.

When my family and I bought four horses all at once (new horse owners...I do NOT recommend doing this!) six years ago, we had dreams of riding off into the sunset together. Our family would be *happy* and enjoy hours and days on the trail with our steeds! The reality is, we have never once been on the trail together with these horses. We bought three that couldn't be ridden by beginners (which three of my family members were at the time) and one of those three was dead lame. The road has been long, hard, and extremely disappointing (not to mention expensive!).

As noble a desire as it was to have family time together on the trail, God has had something much more in store by allowing this trial in our lives. He has been using this situation for these past 6 years to form and shape our character, to teach us to look beyond our little plans and schemes to a greater good that he has in store.

Several times a day when my mind wanders toward food, I am reminded of my extreme dependence on the Lord--of my need for Him, of His provision, of His plan. God has taken something so mundane as my need for physical sustenance and used it to bring home that I am totally dependent on His grace. He is definitely after something bigger and deeper than my arriving and staying at my "natural God-given size." I miss it if I make this be about my physical body or "looking good" in a pair of jeans.

We savor the silence, the peace of God's presence. Our lives change from being filled with guilt, worthlessness, and shame to being spontaneous and filled with the fruits of the Spirit--peace, hope, love, and joy. We find security and significance as God satisfies us with the goodness of his presence. We are restored to our rightful purpose and our true home. GTST, p. 92-93

To me, these things are worth so much more than being in the "skinny jeans." I want to know what it is like to be "ok" sitting in the silence of God's presence, to be able to rest in peace, to experience the joy of HIS satisfaction instead of that constant longing. I relish the day when I have learned these lessons, that my significance is based not on having and maintaining the approval of others, but in knowing that the LORD alone defines who and what I am and my value and worth!

More thoughts on Chapter 4 of Get Thin Stay Thin by Arthur and Judy Halliday...
========

A grace-oriented approach is risky precisely because it does evoke our body's natural responses..."0" is an important place to begin. Your body will begin to speak to you if you stop keeping it muffled and numbed by stuffing it with food. The emotions will come up, and they will need to be acknowledged and addressed in light of God's glorious grace. GTST, p. 91

As I look back on our mini-vacation last week, I wondered about why I fell into some old habits and patterns--especially while being on the road. Highway 50 up over the summit is narrow, windy and the drop off on one side is steep. I was extremely anxious on our way going even though the weather was cooperative. Could it be I was so nervous merely because my husband was driving? My thoughts of "I need to eat" as we traveled baffled me.

It wasn't until I got home and was thinking about things in retrospect that I realized...Lake Tahoe is the place of a lot of childhood memories for me. Many of them sad, some scary. I have memories of being on that road in the back seat of our Avanti, terrified as my dad drove recklessly and under the influence of alcohol. No wonder I felt like a scared little kid again on Wednesday as we made our way to Zephyr Cove! In many ways, I *was*.

I did think to ask the Lord to help me to feel my anxiety and fear and to allow him to be my comfort. In the car, I had few options, certainly. I want to do this throughout my day today...to attend to my feelings and emotions that rise up, rather than numb them with food or time on the internet.

When we stop eating for all the wrong reasons and follow the principles, waiting for our "0," the body speaks and the desires and intentions of our hearts are revealed. GTST,, p. 92

I want to grow and mature in Christ. Allowing myself to feel is an important part of that so that God can move in to those feelings and heal them or show me what HE desires I do with them. Oh, I see this is such a vital part of my spiritual formation! I don't want to short-circuit this process with food or anything else!

Through grace, with our assent, our desire begins to be transformed. Energies that once were dedicated simply to relieving ourselves from the pain now become dedicated to a larger goodness, more aligned with the true treasure of our hearts. GTST, p. 92

Oh, Lord, help me to allow myself a chance to feel today--to experience what it is like to be me in present time. Then, help me to bring these feelings to you--for healing and wholeness...and holiness. Lord, I want to be able to be an extension of your love and grace to others. When I am so self-absorbed it is nearly impossible to be aware of the needs of others. I lift this up to you. Lord, I choose today NOT to silence my "silent hunger" with food or with distractions of the internet. Today, I choose to feel and to bring whatever I have to YOU. Thank you that you receive me, that you love me, that your grace is enough for me. In Jesus I pray, Amen.

From October through the end of December, I reported daily to my accountability partner using a report form that was rather stringent. I found that I chafed somewhat...it threw me back a bit into a dieting mentality. For years I couldn't use any of the tools in Thin Within. A couple of years ago, I began to be able to use some of the tools with freedom.

During the holidays of 2008, however, I saw a shift in my thinking that was definitely not God's plan for me!

So during January, I stepped back from that and got unstructured in my accountability. This hasn't been quite right either!

Below is a new "form" I am trying. It is a happy medium that I hope will work for this leg of my journey.

Date ____________________

Time	Start #	End #	Observation	Correction

Comments:

-----------------------------

You are welcome to use this as well if you like. :-) But be sure you have the Lord's "go ahead" on it.

The first column "Time" is self-explanatory.

The second, "Start #" refers to my hunger number on the hunger scale. "0" is physical hunger that I have learned is an ache or gnawing sensation just below my sternum. It isn't a sound, a "growl," as I can have those sounds when I am digesting food! "0" is definitely EMPTY...physical emptiness and need for nourishment!

The third column, "End #" refers to where my hunger level is on the hunger scale when I stop eating. "5" is defined as physically satisfied, but for me, it is easiest to stop at the right moment if I consider "No longer hungry" that place. It is a place where the discomfort of hunger has been removed. If I eat more slowly, I can eat a bit more. So often I eat too fast (I am working on this) and it takes the stomach 10 minutes or more to signal the brain it has had enough food!

The fourth column is "Observation." This is where I dispassionately observe my behaviors and beliefs during my meal. (Yes, ANY time food is eaten, it is a "meal." Even a "snack" is a "meal.") For instance, "I ate too fast," "Got distracted" might be observations.

The fifth column is "Correction," and it directly relates to my observation column. It is the practical thing I will do to avoid whatever behavior or belief didn't agree with my goal to honor God with my eating and drinking.

Let me know if you try this! :-)

This is a short video clip that my daughter took of me going down our saucer run while we were at Lake Tahoe this week.

I wish I could describe all that I feel and think when I see this video. There is so much here.

I know I said it already...So many years I saw them off. I spent the vacation times at home while the family went up to the snow to have fun...I chose to stay home instead of trying to shove my body into warmer clothes and to labor climbing up the sledding hills in the thinner air and higher elevation. I didn't want the humiliation that I felt being so self-conscious...and I couldn't see how putting my body through so much work could be fun for me. I was so out of shape. The humiliation and shame of how I looked and that I would be embarassed...well, it all tormented me.

So I just told the kids and hubby I would hold down the fort at home and take care of all the animals, have some quiet time alone and all would be fine.

For years I missed out on so much.

Now, Daniel doesn't enjoy the snow as much as he did when he was younger. It won't be long before my babies are grown up and off on their own with other things to do than go with their folks to the snow or play on saucer runs.

I chose to miss it.

Please, reader...don't miss living because of weight or your self-concept. God has more than that for us! He wants us to LIVE! If you are tempted to give in to isolating because of shame or whatever the reason...don't do it. Don't let the enemy win. The battle is worth the fight for a million reasons.

Hi, everyone. We are on vacation in Zephyr Cove in South Lake Tahoe. The internet connection is unreliable--so no blogging for me!

Here are a few pictures...hopefully the internet connection will last as I upload!

A snow angel! Aptly named as this is my 14-year-old daughter, Michaela...an angel, herself! ;-)

There wasn't much snow when we came up here, but we managed to carve a saucer run in between rocks, bushes, trees, and fallen logs--things that would normally be covered in a dozen feet of snow! Oh well! In the above picture, I am careening down the hill...waving as I come!


This is the man I love pretending to be a moose. :-)

For years, I refused to go on these snow trips with my family. My weight and self-perception totally hindered me. I love that I can join them now and have a blast with them--even if the snow doesn't cooperate!

I wish I hadn't waited to live. I missed many years of enjoyment with my family by allowing my sense of value be determined by my weight...

NO MORE.

I did an amazing study yesterday in The Search For Significance.

It occurred to me that many might be encouraged by some of the truths that I discovered...so I share with you some of the questions and verses and pray that God will lead anyone who does this study to His truth.

This is justification. If you want to be encouraged as I have been, look up the following passages, and ask the questions:

1. What is "justification?"
2. How is it accomplished?
3. How does it affect me now? What are the results of justification?
4. What was my condition before God before hand?

• Romans 3:9-28
• Romans 4:4-8
• Romans 5:1-11
• 2 Corinthians 5:21 <---a great one...
• 2 Corinthians 5:14-15
• Colossians 1:22
• Colossian 3:12
• Hebrews 10:14
• Hebrews 10:17
• Ephesians 2:1-3
• Titus 3:7

After studying these passages, respond to this:
According to God, I am completely forgiven and am fully pleasing to Him.

True or false? Can you support your conclusion with scripture?

When we rehearse, replay, ponder over our past sins, does it do any good? Does it do harm? What does it say to God about how I feel about what HIS word says about my past sins?

If I were to truly believe what these passages say...if I were to embrace and believe for all I am worth that God has completely forgiven me and is pleased with me, how would it affect my choice in this moment?

The upshot is, I don't stand before God just forgiven--though that alone would be an amazing truth! It is more than just a "clean slate" a sort of "neutral standing" with God.

No...there is so much more--I stand before God as righteous...right NOW.

To me, this is where it is so clear that grace doesn't lead to sin. It leads to my absolute gratitude for all God has chosen to make TRUE about me! I *want* to give my life and my choices to Him. I want to be obedient to what He says to do. Grace leads me to want to honor Him.

Our silent hunger will persist unsatisfied until we can see ourselves not through the eyes of the world, but through the eyes of our loving Lord. Get Thin Stay Thin, p. 102.

Lord, help us to see ourselves through your eyes, to believe what YOU say is true of us. I know that this will radically transform my life...in the moment when I make a choice...Help me to live aware of the blessings that are mine. Help each one here to do so as well. In the Name of Jesus, Amen.

Approval Addicts...

"...rarely expect to achieve anything or to feel good about themselves. Because they have failed in the past, they believe their present failures only show how worthless they really are. They often become extremely sad and stop trying because they fear more failure." The Search For Significance Workbook, p. 26

I was so convinced that keeping the weight off was merely a "fluke" after all the years/times I lost weight only to regain it. The two months of indiscretion that resulted in this current weight gain merely confirmed the lie that I have embraced as truth--that I will always be fat and will always fail at keeping weight off. The shame and sense of failure has resulted in wanting to eat more--the fat machinery. (Journal, 2-05-09)

Practical things I now choose to do to combat some bad habits that have resurfaced and to also help me to be more conscious:

1. Setting my timer for an afternoon quiet time...even if only a few minutes to be sure I am quiet before the Lord again.
2. Renewed commitment to the Keys to Conscious Eating (called "The Principles for Weight Mastery" in the Get Thin Stay Thin book).
3. Cutting my portions in half like I used to. Even if my portions seem small to me right now...if I am hungry again later, I can eat, but right now, I need to offer what I might normally eat as an offering to the Lord. I certainly won't starve. Unlike others who have commented on the blog, I don't mind eating smaller portions frequently if that is what it takes.
4. Any time I eat, lingering a while with hunger to assess if it is truly physical hunger. Even if I put off eating for 5 minutes and sit still with the Lord about it...that can help me to see if this is really hunger or not.
5. PUTTING THE SCALE out of the house. My clothes are a really good indicator to me right now if I wonder. I will be comfortable again in my Levis :-) if I release weight. But it isn't like I don't *know* if I am lying to myself about my eating. I know if I am eating according to hunger and satisfaction. I don't need a scale to tell me and I don't need even my clothes to tell me!
6. Drinking only water. For years I drank diet soda...no calories and all that "great" taste. I can't switch to sugared beverages and not expect it to have an effect. I am trying to develop my taste for water. This is hard for me! :-)
   

These are the practical things that the Lord has led me to do.

But the things that are harder to measure...like "I will process what is really going on..." I will do that, too. This blog is part of that, my journal is, giving myself permission to make my quiet time include this stuff instead of just studying the scriptures (which I love to do)...These things are vital, too.

Under grace we have the freedom to err, knowing that we are always cleansed by the blood of Christ. This keeps us out of legalism and the distorted thinking that says, I must eat this; I can't eat that; I did it right; I did it wrong; I was good; I was bad. Such thinking is part of the diet mentality that keeps us focused outward instead of inward, where the spiritual battle of disordered eating must be won. Get Thin Stay Thin p. 90

Some mistakenly think that TW teaches that we can sin all we want--that this is grace! This is NOT the case. The truth is that because of the amazing grace of the Lord, I want to respond in obedience. My salvation isn't dependent on my obedience. It is unbiblical to think that it is. It is by grace I am saved, through faith and even *that* is a gift of God so that no one can boast!

But when I DO err, this very grace that brought salvation to me is available to me now as well...Like Joe Donaldson said recently on the TW forums, grace isn't something that is a one time event for salvation. It is there moment-by-moment. God extends this grace freely to me--not that I might sin, but also that I might not wallow in self-condemnation! How self-indulgent it is to beat myself up! He calls me to lift my chin, lift my eyes, and move on! To allow His forgiveness, purchased on the cross of Christ with His broken body and spilled blood, to wash over me...

When you get ready to have a movie night at home, you pop a DVD in and what do you do next? No home movie night is complete without...?

It is 12:00 noon...time for...?

Or you go to the movies with a friend and do you sit in the movie empty-handed? Or...?

Or you go to the county or State Fair...other than looking at exhibits and riding rides, what else do you do?

It is holiday time and friends or family gather. What is always a part of the event?

Or you have plans for a Saturday evening and they are canceled...again...what is your response?

You get on the scale and it reads a weight that you aren't happy with. What then?

Most of these occasions include FOOD no matter what--without regard for physical hunger. If we watch a DVD, we get out the snacks. It is Noon, time for lunch. At the movie theater we get a tub of popcorn and a coke. The State Fair...oh my...weird foods that we look forward to eating because we only get to have them once a year. Who waits for hunger? Getting together with friends or family? Has to be at a restaurant or around a table of *some* kind with a good meal! Saturday evening plans canceled, a feeling of loneliness and we find solace in food. The scale says we are up two pounds and we get discouraged and figure why bother caring and start eating regardless of our body's need.

There is a mechanism that is in place in our lives...it causes us to go on "auto-pilot" at times.

If we want to support our godly boundaries of eating when we are hungry and stopping when we aren't hungry any longer, we have to recognize and expose that there are things that cause almost an automated response in us to eat! The Hallidays call this "Fat Machinery" in their books.

Sometimes, "fat machinery" can be like those things I mentioned above. It typically falls into two categories...1.) conditioned responses (like the movie and popcorn) and 2.) emotional stimuli - like a sense of failure, rejection, celebration or loneliness triggering eating responses.

Last week, I wrote the following in my journal:

I wonder if some of my struggle with eating right now has to do with shame I feel from failing--from no longer keeping the weight off...the weight that was kept off for over a year. I am not continuing to gain, thankfully, but I am 10 pounds up from my lowest weight. If I blew it over the holidays--which I did--and gained some back--which I did--and felt ashamed, guilty, and exposed--which I did--then maybe a "fat machinery" is in operation for me. Maybe I am eating now in response to the pain, shame, and guilt and self-contempt that have come as a result of this "failure."

BINGO!

The sad thing is that my behavior which is sort of automatic--a part of my "fat machinery," results in yet more shame and guilt! This results in yet more inappropriate eating outside of godly boundaries and it is a downward spiral!

Unless I stop it.

My struggle with my eating in obedience to godly boundaries has definitely been reminiscent of things long ago. Things that, in my pride, I thought were behind me. I think what happened with me is what was described in earlier pages of the Get Thin Stay Thin book and which I blogged about earlier. When I lost all the weight, I had a false sense of value, a false sense of achievement that sort of masked the real underlying issue--that I tend to do things with an eye on my performance and winning approval of others. Because I was "successful" and stayed progressively "successful" early on as I was releasing the weight and as I kept it off, I never realized the underlying issue of looking to others for my sense of worth or value. My false belief (or belief of a lie) that what others may think of me defines who I am and my value, needed to be brought to the surface. God alone defines my worth and value.

So here I am now. Dealing with it...which is a good thing. I guess I can say it is worth it. This is one of those things I mean when I say that "Thin Within isn't about losing weight." I mean, we all can lose weight. Most of us have been good at dieting, but we haven't dealt with the reason we keep returning to the same old eating patterns and habits that have caused us to be overweight or feel bad about ourselves. The underlying reason we keep gaining the weight back again.

This leg of my journey, God is definitely not letting me blow by the real underlying reasons for things. We are going deep, I guess. It isn't fun and I would sometimes much rather be in my Levis again thinking all is well and good and that I am "successful."

But the Lord is after Truth. Because Truth is what really sets us free. He is showing me daily that he is more about my heart than he is about my size.

Ever find yourself face first in a package of Oreos and wonder "How did I get here?" Chapter four in Get Thin Stay Thin addresses many of the challenges we face that cause us to eat compulsively. The desire is that we might change things around a bit, and become more present in the moment and aware of the Lord, his sufficiency, his strength and provision for what really ails us.

I am reminded:

It takes courage to receive freedom. It takes courage to change. GTST, p. 79

Since coming off of my over-use of caffeine, there is a bit of extra weight that won't seem to budge. My wonderfully comfortable Levi jeans that I lived in for over a year after releasing 100 pounds are so snug that I have stopped wearing them. :-( I wonder if THIS is my truly *natural* God-given size...and the size I was before was *UN*natural because of the use of caffeine to be there.

A part of me feels drawn to drinking diet soda again (I was never without a can or big 64 oz cup near at hand!)...and just see if I could get back into my jeans again--you know, a sort of experiment. But I know I would be selling out if I did that.

It does take courage to receive freedom. It does take courage to change. I want to fit in those jeans again, darn-it! But at what price? So I press on, steering clear of the stronghold that had me firmly in its clutches for so many years. No diet soda for me...not even a drop. I would never be able to handle it in moderation. The price I pay is to be a size bigger perhaps. That galls me, though...I tell ya!

So what might you have to do to receive freedom? What changes is the Lord beckoning to you to allow Him and His strength to perform in you? :-)

Some folks feel like some foods are "triggers" for them that cause them to go nuts with certain foods. I realized during this past week that it isn't the food that is the "trigger." It is the emotion allowed to go unchecked that is my "trigger." I love the idea that a food can be a "trigger" because then I can blame the food. But I see that it isn't the food at all....at least not for me. It is my emotion...accompanied by pride that says, "I can handle this myself, thank you very much," instead of bowing to the Lord and offering him what I am feeling. Yup, that is my "trigger!"

Yesterday was a good example of this. I was frustrated with my intermittent internet service when I was working on a new website for a new and very valued client. I couldn't get the work I had done uploaded...ALL DAY. I found myself not giving a flying fig about "0" and eating in response to this frustration. (Seems to me that events like this could also explain the weight not coming off...but let's not go there...denial is such a nice place to live...err...not...)

The things that stand in the way of applying the principles [Keys to Conscious Eating] and using the hunger scale [the practice of waiting for "0" or true physiological hunger to eat and stopping at a "5" or satisfied] are behaviors we call "Fat Machinery." Fat machinery is unconscious, automatic, or inappropriate eating that is activated by external or internal stimuli. What this means is that much of our eating is done for the wrong reasons--social pressure, anxiety, frustration, and a variety of emotional stimuli that have nothing to do with our body's need for nourishment. When we are wrapped up in our grave clothes, our eating is activated by these stimuli and we move through life like robots or automatons, reaching for food unconsciously when someone or something activates our "eat" button. GTST p. 81

Lord, today, I want to be mindful--conscious, aware--of you and of the things that would ordinarily cause me to grab food even when I am not hungry. I feel stressed about the day ahead and I know that this is not from you. That in you there is peace and joy. I give you the concerns I have and ask that you BE Lord. Please move in to my heart and life right now. Help me not to feel the stress of a rushed morning. I want to worship you, Lord...this entire day, I want to live as an offering to you, a praise to my King. I know that when I do this, when I invite you into the present moment, that nothing can lure me to food outside of your godly boundaries, Lord. Thank you for your boundaries that are there to protect me from outside harmful things and to keep me where I need to be to experience Your best for me. In the Name of Jesus, Amen.

Hunger vs. appetite. What are the differences and why does it matter? :-) This is a discussion included in the final pages of chapter three of Get Thin Stay Thin.

As the grave clothes are peeled away, you will more easily be able to recognize the difference between [hunger and appetite]. Hunger is a sensation in the body caused by the need for food. Appetite is a habitual desire for some gratification, either of the body or the mind, that has nothing to do with true physiological hunger. Our hunger can be satisfied; our appetite is insatiable. Hunger looks to food to satisfy an appropriate physical need; appetite looks to food to satisfy emotional needs. GTST, p. 71-72

What is it that motivates me to eat in any given moment? Is it hunger--a true physiological need of my body for fuel? Or is it something else--my appetite?

I seem to have a pattern of giving in to eating outside of godly parameters during the later part of the day. I have been evaluating why. I awaken between 4:30 and 5:00 am. I spend time with the Lord in a nice, leisurely quiet time. Often, I may get hungry during this time, but I don't feel the need to rush to food--even to satisfy physical hunger. It doesn't bother me to be hungry during this time of the morning. I usually eat by 7:30 am or so...unrushed, feeling quiet and satisfied in my spirit and body.

I typically eat again sometime between 10:30 and noon applying the Keys we have discussed in the past week. So far so good.

Almost daily, however, by 2pm or so things get really fuzzy or even downright rebellious. If not that early, then by dinner time or later. Not every day, but consistently enough to be a pattern.

What is up with this? Why the pattern?

I think it may be related to the performance trap I am constantly sucked into.

You see, first thing in the morning, I am totally aware of God's grace. Not only that, but I am supposed to be having my quiet time in the morning. There isn't any sense that I am not doing what I am "supposed" to be doing. I am being a "good girl." :-/

By mid-afternoon, I have a sense that I am not ok. I haven't been doing what I am supposed to have been doing. Or, I haven't been doing it well enough. I tend to want to run from this feeling and do so in a variety of ways...when it isn't nice enough weather for me to ride the horses, I may plunge myself into the internet...trying to find something to be busy doing well online. It might be designing graphics for a client in my website design business, or pretending to...or it might be going to the Thin Within forums blogging or going to others' blogs to try to be "Super Duper Thin Within Woman" to try to encourage people and feign that I have all the answers. :-/

You see, with a sense of failure, comes self-condemnation. For me, self-condemnation "triggers" eating, too. So if other things fail to distract or numb me from the "pain" of my failures and self-condemnation that arises as the day goes on, I may resort to eating that rides along the edge of yet more "failure." In other words, my resolve found early in the day when I had a fresh slate and no sense of failure, erodes. By the end of the day, I end up reporting to my accountability partner and discover, again, I have followed a pattern of "stellar" eating up until mid-afternoon but have bellied up before the day is done.

God is calling me to disrupt this pattern. Obviously, the best place to disrupt it, is at its heart...this sense of performance and failure to perform adequately and the subsequent self-condemnation--the appetite that I have to be "acceptable" and the lie I believe that I am not.

I am going through the book and workbook The Search for Significance and highly recommend these. They dovetail beautifully with the Get Thin Stay Thin book. I figure that the Lord really desires that I get this. He wants me to understand that I have been caught in this performance mentality for far too long. It sets off condemnation and guilt that triggers numbing out behaviors. The Lord wants me free from this!

Can you identify with this cycle, too? Do you begin the day well and by mid-afternoon or after the kids go to bed at night find yourself face-first in a bag of Oreos? Or immersed in something that you know isn't God's best for you in an attempt not to feel pain of some sort?

Let's look straight into our "failures" and disappointments today. Obviously, many of us have an appetite for approval, to feel good about ourselves...and when that appetite for approval hangs empty like an unanswered question, not satisfied (and does it ever really get quelled?), we turn to other things to either stuff a counterfeit into that hole or to subdue the pain of the emptiness.

Today, I think I will try a couple of things differently. I will plan to be still before I eat after 2pm today. I may journal, pray, sing praises to God...or just sit in His presence and bask in His unconditional approval granted through Christ on the cross. I will enjoy 5 minutes (or more) of delaying eating so I can be still and know that He is God. The very thing that seems to satisfy my soul in the wee hours of the morning, enabling me to not rush to eat even when physiologically hungry...because I would rather not disrupt my quiet time with Him...I will try a bit of time with Him before I eat. (The Keys to Conscious Eating, when applied, were designed to foster this, in fact!)

I also want to DEAL with the things that cause me to gravitate toward food (or the internet)...and that means dealing with my sense of failure. I want to ask the Lord how HE would have me use my day...what HE wants of me. There may be (there is) some sin in my life about not using my time in a way that the Lord wants me to. While I know that I have HIS approval in Christ and I can't convince Him by my performance to love me, I also know that He has a will for my time. I want to do AND be that to which he calls. If I prayerfully evaluate how I use my time and rest in HIS perfect 100% approval of me in Christ, perhaps I can allow Him to cut out the cancer that causes me to reach for the band-aids by mid-afternoon.

Lord, please hear my heart. I pray that you will lead me today. Each moment, Lord...I want to live each one as an offering to you. I want my heart to be convinced of your perfect approval given to me in Christ. I thank you for this grace. Lord, let me be aware of your presence and your love this day. Keep me from trying to impress you, Lord...or from a sense that I have disappointed you. Thank you that you are doing a new thing in me this day. I sense it. Thank you for the hope I have in You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Practical challenge: Apply the Keys To Conscious Eating or the Principles for Weight Mastery (same 8 principles).

Let me know how YOU are doing! I am praying for you! :-)

Do you ever resent your taste buds for preferring hot fudge sundaes over celery? All because you feel "I can't 'afford' the calories of the sundae!"

Or have you ever felt contempt for your body because it is signaling hunger, but you have run out of "points" and can't eat any more today without going "off program?"

Most of us who struggle with disordered eating battle a sense of contempt and resentment toward our bodies. We feel betrayed by our bodies.

We fail to see that diets often lead us further into the very thing we want to be healed of!

Dieting entrenches us further in legalism and self-contempt.

I don't know about you, but I don't want to "go there" ever again and, as one free in Christ, I know that He won't lead me to that place again either!

The Keys to Conscious Eating...
...preserve our freedom because they respect the truth of how God made our bodies. They reflect our natural, God-given ability to determine our hunger and to choose to satisfy it appropriately. GTST, p. 70

What is the difference between laws and guidelines? :-) I think sometimes it is how we respond to them! Most of us have a TON of experience with diet rules and laws. We know what it is like to derive our sense of self-worth or value from how well we uphold the diet rules or laws, too. That is clearly legalism and typically it ends up making us feel a sense of condemnation. There is only SO long that we can uphold all the rules before we begin to break under the pressure.

When that happens, we often become convinced that we are failures and this belief of a lie (from the pit of hell) further perpetuates disordered eating...

The pendulum has swung again...from legalism to license...with the club of condemnation beating us over the heads again and again!

ENOUGH! I am so tired of that! Are you?

The principles are an invitation to engage in eating behavior that, without constraining us, will conform us from within because they permit us to treat our bodies with the same high regard that God has for us. GTST, p. 70

With these facts in mind, let us continue with these practical challenges:

• Continue with Key to Conscious Eating #1 - eat only when my body is physically hungry.
• Continue Key to Conscious Eating #2 - Reduce the number of distractions in order to eat in a calm environment.
• Continue Key to Conscious Eating #3 - Eat only when sitting down.
• Continue Key to Conscious Eating #4 - Eat only when your mind and body are relaxed.
• Continue Key to Conscious Eating #5 - Eat and drink only the food and beverages that I enjoy.
• Continue Key to Conscious Eating #8 - Stop before my body is full.

In addition, let's add the final two Keys to Conscious Eating:

• Practice Key to Conscious Eating #6 - Pay attention only to my food when eating.
• Practice Key to Conscious Eating #7 - Eat slowly savoring each bite.

If you are someone who does well with charts and would like a chart that can help you keep track of your growth in applying these keys to conscious eating, you can download this Observation and Correction Chart, print it out and use it.

Here is a sample that has been filled out after a day. Click on the image to enlarge it so you can read my writing. :-) I have made notes on it to show you what it means. :-) First, I personalized it by drawing lines for each eating occasion. Whether it is a sit-down meal with family, going out, or a "quick" snack....every "eating occasion" counts and I want to apply the principles. Even if it is a few almonds to shave the edge off my hunger while I wait for the family to arrive for our lunch together, I want to sit down, focus on my food, be at a "0", and all the other keys to conscious eating. Other notes, I have made in the margin. The idea is that I use this chart to make observations about my behavior. I do this without judgment. Then, I can plan corrections...what I need to work on. After a day, I have a good grasp on the fact that choosing foods I like isn't a problem, but eating slowly definitely is a challenge for me! I might want to take these observations into my next eating occasion and plan strategies for slowing my eating down--like taking sips of water between bites, putting my fork down, avoiding "finger foods"--using silverware for everything :-) -- that sort of thing.

Just a WARNING: It is our tendency to turn anything God intends to be a blessing into something different! You and I could easily turn these guidelines--the Keys to Conscious Eating--into DIET laws. Please don't do this! Prayerfully ask the Lord to allow you to experience grace to to walk free from pride (when you apply the keys) or its opposite, condemnation (when you don't). He wants you to experience freedom! If you have a dieting, graphing, charting, obsessing background, please especially be prayerful about whether or not you should use a chart just yet!

Grace...allow yourself to believe that God's view of you isn't dependent on how you eat or what size you are. You can take THIS moment captive for Him and rejoice that the God of the universe is totally, 100% mindful of you, and loves you. He sent His Son so that NO condemnation would hinder his love relationship with you. His love is never-ending and He knows everything about you. Before you ever had a single God-ward thought, he chose you to belong to Him.

Today I want to focus a bit on the mechanics introduced in Chapter 3 of Get Thin Stay Thin. We have been looking at a new Key to Conscious Eating each day. Let's review them so far and press on with applying ourselves to doing them today...

--> Practical Challenge Today:

• Continue with Key to Conscious Eating #1 - eat only when my body is physically hungry.
• Continue Key to Conscious Eating #2 - Reduce the number of distractions in order to eat in a calm environment.
• Continue Key to Conscious Eating #3 - Eat only when sitting down.
• Continue Key to Conscious Eating #4 - Eat only when your mind and body are relaxed.

So far, the keys haven't sprained our brains particularly. Sure, we may think there has to be more to it, but none of these keys fly in the face of all the "diet wisdom" that is out there, per say. For some folks reading this blog, the key we add today may. (More on this in a minute!)

• Practice Key to Conscious Eating #5 - Eat and drink only the food and beverages that I enjoy.

It is important not to toss out Keys 1-4 when doing this! Key #5 is meant to be practiced with all the other keys in place. Otherwise, the result will be a foodfest! NOT what we are after! :-)

In fact, let's get ahead of ourselves for just a moment and introduce Key #8 as well...I highly recommend practicing this key when practicing key #5. There HAS to be a stopping place! :-)

• Practice Key to Conscious Eating #8 - Stop before my body is full.

You can wait until you are hungry. You can have a calm, peaceful environment, sit down and have everything right with the world, enjoy foods you love, but if you don't have an appropriate stopping place, you will still gain weight.

Backing up to Key #5 - eating what you enjoy - this means anything. If you love salad, go ahead and eat it if you are hungry. If you hate it, don't! If you enjoy full-fat ice cream, eat it when you are hungry! If you don't love it, don't eat it. Just be sure you check in with your body FIRST. Are you hungry? Physically empty? At a true "0?" Then that is the green light to eat, but you want to be sure to do so calmly and quietly, sitting down, inviting the Lord with you into the meal/snack. As you eat, check in with your body and be sure to stop eating when you are no longer hungry.

This is where some people raise the red flags and say "Hold on! If I eat anything I want, I will be eating hot fudge sundaes, cheese enchiladas and the list is endless! I will gain weight, not lose it!" If you ignore your body's signal that it is satisfied, then that will be true. By being calm, sitting down, focusing on your food and inviting God into the meal, though, you will know when you are approaching satisfied and be able to stop. Being willing may be another story.

We have to realize that it isn't a particular food that makes us over-weight.

What makes us over-weight is eating too much of any food! (Even diet foods!)

If diets and diet foods worked for losing weight, then since the advent of diet drinks, non-fat dressings, and low-calorie cookies and so forth, we should have become people with fewer weight problems! The exact opposite is true, however. We continue to have more obesity, obesity related health problems and yet diet foods are in abundance! We may be eating our "reduced fat" Oreos, but in increased quantities. Half the fat so twice as many!

Instead of focusing on the food, let's allow God to transform our hearts. That is why I have been studying the Get Thin Stay Thin book. This book speaks to my need to allow God to change me from within, inviting me to intimacy with the Creator of the Universe and intimacy with other people. God wants to heal the wounds of my past and present while inviting me into vital, rich relationships now that are grounded in and by Him.

As I prevail myself upon God's grace, I can enjoy any food that my body desires withing godly boundaries of physical hunger and satisfaction. This is, in fact, how I lost 100 pounds. I never ate a single salad, rice cake, or a single YoPlait yogurt! I continued to eat foods I loved, but in moderation--according to my body's signals.

Practically, what I have found is that foods with more fat in them tend to sustain me longer...I am not hungry again as soon. Foods that are lower in fat content (like salsa!) don't sustain me as long. My body knows how often it needs fuel. My body processes the food I eat and as long as I respect the signals of hunger and satisfaction, I will continue to release extra weight until I am at my God-intended size no matter what food I eat. The key isn't what I eat. It is why--and how much. The why should always be connected to my body's need for fuel. The how much is, too!

As a person progresses in this process, we begin to want to exercise more discretion...but that is a discussion for another time. Right now, allow yourself to experience the flavors of all the wonderful foods that are available to enjoy. Just do so with an appropriate boundary: physical need--as indicated by the body's signals of hunger and satisfaction.

The principles are not fixed formulas or rigid rules. They are guidelines that involve choices. To be under grace is freedom--we have the privilege of seeing God's design for ordered eating and then choosing. God honors us with the freedom to fail and succeed as we risk living a life of faith. As we begin to practice the principles, we will see that God is calling us to surrender to a growing up, a maturing process. This is a challenge that calls us to have the courage to step out of our grave clothes of legalism and allow God to conform us from within. GTST, p. 70

How are you doing with eating only when hungry? Truthfully, I bellied up last night. I had a huge emotional hit and rather than running to God with my concern and vulnerability, I ran to food. It amazes me that I still do this after all this time.

So, observe and correct. Today, I anticipate that there will continue to be strong emotions...I will have a plan in place. I will cling to the Lord today before the emotions hit. I will plan time into this very busy, demanding day, to be still and alone with him to reconnect.

--> Practical Challenge Today:

• Continue with Key to Conscious Eating #1 - eat only when my body is physically hungry.
• Continue Key to Conscious Eating #2 - Reduce the number of distractions in order to eat in a calm environment.
• Continue Key to Conscious Eating #3 - Eat only when sitting down.
• Add Key to Conscious Eating #4 - Eat only when your mind and body are relaxed.

Practically speaking, eating only when our minds are relaxed can be a huge challenge. Yet if we take a moment to "Be Still and know that He is God..." we can allow His peace to permeate any moment.

For me, this is best accomplished by taking time to invite God's blessing on my time with Him, with whomever I may be eating with, on the affect of the food in my body--not in the rote, quickie, disconnected "toss up a prayer for the food" sort of way...but where I really focus on becoming aware that he is my meal companion for *any* meal. He, who calms the greatest storms of life, can calm what is going on in me. This, too, becomes a godly boundary--not to have food cross my lips until I am in a place of peace.

Obviously, I need to work on this! How about you? :-)

More from Chapter 3 of Get Thin Stay Thin...

The idea of applying "Keys to Conscious Eating" seems sort of "loosey goosey" for those of us who come from a dieting background. With all the current "medical" and "scientific" literature on the subject, we are just convinced that these guidelines can't possibly be what it takes for us to get/be healthy! Truthfully, these principles can pave the way, though, not only to physical health, but emotional and spiritual health as well!

In using a grace-oriented approach to our bodies and our struggles with food, we are released from our tenacious tendency to wrap ourselves up in rules, regulations and performance...Through grace we can begin to honor the natural response to our body's hunger signals and our ability to be satisfied with an appropriate amount of food...we relinquish our reliance on legalistic controls that circumvent our bodies' messages, and we cultivate a moment-by-moment attentiveness to the Holy Spirit. GTST, p. 65-66

I love this explanation. When God created me, he created my body to send messages. When I need sleep, I get tired. When I get hurt, I feel pain. When I am in need of fuel, I get hungry. When I no longer need fuel, I am satiated.

The approach encouraged in Thin Within and Get Thin Stay Thin honors and respects my body and the marvelous creation of God that it is with the signals it uses. I no longer ignore hunger. I no longer stifle hunger. I respond to it with respect, by feeding it. I don't ignore satisfaction...I respect and honor it by stopping eating.

If you are new to this approach, I hope you will take the Hallidays' invitation that follows below very personally...This is a Divine Appointment! God ordained that you might read these words RIGHT NOW! :-)...:

...you are about to abandon legalism and learn an entirely new way of relating to food, eating, and your body. [Some of us are relearning it! That's ok!] It means that you can develop the ability to eat what, when, and how much God directs you to eat. During this process you will rediscover the delights of good food and experience the joy of being the size God designed you to be. This new relationship is characterized by honor for the temple of the Holy Spirit--your body. In honoring your body you are guided by principles that support the delight you have in good food and the pleasure you enjoy in partaking of God's gifts. GTST, p. 66

I would add something else to this invitation...you will...we will...depend on the Lord develop an entirely new level of intimacy with the One who shaped the heavens and who loves us unconditionally--who knows us and values us!

This is an adventure, a journey...and each time we feel derailed, distracted, off on a rabbit trail, he gently guides and directs us back again.

--> Practical Challenge Today:

• Continue with Key to Conscious Eating #1 - eat only when my body is physically hungry.
• Continue Key to Conscious Eating #2 - Reduce the number of distractions in order to eat in a calm environment.
• Add Key to Conscious Eating #3 - Eat only when sitting down.

Most of the Keys are designed to help us to correctly evaluate our hunger level. If we have reduced distractions, for instance, we are more likely to notice when we approach "satisfied" which is the point that we want to stop eating. We can also eat more mindful of the pleasure of eating when our bodies need food!

If I eat when I am sitting down, I will be more likely to be present in the experience. When I eat when when I am standing up or moving in the kitchen, it is as if I don't note the food at all. Eating when sitting down (but not driving!) helps me to relax, take the load off and delight in the joy that God intends!

Give it a try and see what happens for you! :-)

All of the Keys to Conscious Eating are introduced in chapter 3 of Get Thin Stay Thin, though with a different name: Principles of Weight Mastery. Same thing, different name. Before introducing all of the keys, however, the Hallidays share more wisdom that causes us to understand the detriment of relying on legalistic dieting rules.

Which of the following statements resonate with you?

By imposing self-discipline and losing some weight, we obtain a self-awarded victory that may temporarily provide us with a false sense of superiority or significance. In the process, however, we become self-satisfied and further repress our awareness of the real issues beneath our low self-esteem or discontentedness. GTST, p. 63

Oh, how I can relate to this! Having released 100 pounds I definitely knew the experience of having a false sense of significance! In time, however, the victory was clearly hollow. And in that collapse of what I had unwittingly relied upon, I was left with the truth. I am still a beggar in need of bread. I am still a wandering sheep in need of my shepherd. I still want, still lack.

...because we focus only on the symptoms, the doing only, we actually inflame our eating behaviors further. GTST, p. 63

I think this may be one reason why, after a year of "holding it together," of maintaining the weight...I gained some that is now sticking to me like glue. Again, I have to realize some of this may be legitimately stuck to me for life. I am no longer drinking diet soda at all, let alone in copious quantities--it acted as a diuretic, expelling water from my body--and no longer on a prescribed diuretic besides (since my blood pressure went back to normal). So some of this weight is legitimately MINE. But my eating behaviors were definitely "inflamed." It was like the rubber band was stretched as tight as it could go after a year of holding it, holding it holding it...then WHAMO!!!!!

I believe I had focused too much on DOING. God is after my being. I don't know really what that looks like yet, but we are on our way doing it... <--ha...look at that statement...DOING! See how ingrained this is in me? Wow, does God ever have a lot of work to DO... (ugh...there it is again! LOL!) The promise of what is ahead is here for me...in the quote below...

Grace is "receiving a gift with open hands:" legalism is "keeping rules with clenched fists." Grace evokes in us a desire to conform [to Christ, to God's will]; legalism provokes our desire to perform. Grace allows us to be; legalism compels us to do. Grace redirects our focus away from perfection to correction. When we strive for perfection, we attempt to master and control life by trying to measure up to some external, idealized standard. Striving for perfection, we are living the lie that we can make ourselves more acceptable to ourselves, to others, to God if we just follow the letter of the law. Under grace we are free to turn to God as we really are, free to learn from our mistakes, free to change and grow, and free to allow him to help us become all he intends us to be. Under legalism our response is "have to;" under grace it is "want to." Under grace we respond out of love, out of our desire to please the one who first loved us. Our inclination springs from a heart yearning to respond to our loving God. GTST, p. 65

Wow....

--> Practical Challenge Today:

• Continue with Key to Conscious Eating #1 - eat only when my body is physically hungry.
• Add Key to Conscious Eating #2 - Reduce the number of distractions in order to eat in a calm environment.

This second key is the first of at least 5 that help us to be in the present moment when we are eating--to take note of the fact: "Hello! This is an eating occasion! Be aware and enjoy!" The theory (and a valid one) is that much of our eating is done without thinking, "unconsciously"--in the car, in front of the TV, while reading--so our minds don't get to "register" that we are eating. In my experience, it really does seem to help.


So, to apply this key, it is wisest to turn off the TV, push the newspaper away, and send the kids outside to play--ok, just kidding about that last one. Some of us have lives that lend themselves more to a "calm environment" than others. Asking God how we can foster as calm an environment and reduce the distractions as much as possible will be a GOOD thing in this case!
---

On with the deeper stuff...

Continuing my reading of Get Thin Stay Thin by Arthur and Judy Halliday, a comment jumped off the page at me when I read it a couple of days ago. It followed the question about if I will risk living by grace or not, given where legalism often leaves me:

In the case of those of us who struggle with disordered eating, the standard of legalism might be to be "thin," to achieve a certain weight at all costs...GTST, p. 62

Are you like me? Can you see yourself in this comment? I had never considered a "goal weight" a standard of legalism! Wow...I see that this is true. Not only that, but it clearly becomes an idol if I have this mentality. If I allow this "goal" to direct my steps, to be what my mind is focused on, to determine my mood...well, then I think it is fair to say I am worshiping this goal...It is an idol.

Another thought that struck me as being powerfully true:

While losing weight may result in an immediate increase in our sense of self-worth and value, it is temporary and does not change the deep-rooted feeling that we are iredeemably flawed nor does it satisfy our silent hunger for intimacy with God. GTST, p. 62

Obviously, the authors are not saying we are flawed...they are pointing out that we *feel* flawed. This is so true in my life. I released the weight and had this sense that I had accomplished something great...and not just superficially, too. I knew that God had been at work on the inside of me...but it is still was performance oriented. In spite of how great it is to be thin now, there is this sense that I am flawed...and the silent hunger continues. I see now that it is because God is at work in me at a different level. (I am currently reading and working through Search for Significance and it is dovetailing beautifully with GTST, bringing to light that it is God who defines my worth and value. He esteems me so highly! I praise Him that this is so!)

By focusing on externals--our diets, our weight, our eating or not eating--we avoid confronting the real issues in our lives: our fears, unresolved grief, emotions, relationships, rebellion and insecurities. GTST, p. 63

I don't want to focus on externals any more. I have, even with the Thin Within approach. I have focused on the mechanics. I guess that is why I don't want to have the blog just be about the practical stuff. Truthfully, the practical stuff so easily becomes law for me. I know I have much to process and have been. So much has surfaced lately.

--> Emotional/Spiritual Challenge: Prayer journal the feelings, thoughts, concerns that have been surfacing lately. In my case, I may be creating a time line of relationships to see what the Lord shows me about patterns over my lifetime. I am a bit unnerved about doing this as I anticipate it will definitely be a bit like "walking through the valley of the shadow of death."

Lord it is so much easier to focus on the externals rather than to allow you to do your probing work to make me more Christlike. I pray that today I wouldn't be caught up in externals. Help me to have the courage and to carve out the time to journal and to process what you want. I don't want this to be a self-indulgent, "woe is me," pity party, Lord. I want to be healed. BE Lord today. And no matter what my emotions do, I pray that today I might eat only when I am hungry and that I will do whatever I can to choose to eat in as calm environment as possible. Help me to be aware of your presence as I eat--the blessing it is to have an abundance of food, Lord. Help eating and drinking to be an "excuse" to praise and worship you today. In Jesus' Name, Amen.