Perspective - Holy Struggle - Part 4

Have you ever been in traffic ... (who hasn't?) and couldn't see what was holding you up? All you knew was that everything was at a sudden standstill. You didn't know if there was an accident or road construction or a dog in the road...or what. You wondered if you would be stuck for an hour or 3 minutes.

Sometimes when things are slowed down like this, motorists, eager to see what is going on, get out of their cars to walk to the shoulder to see if they can see around the line of traffic...to see how far traffic is backed up, if there are emergency vehicles or what...

Sometimes, you can see or hear helicopters circling overhead. These vehicles are often associated with news traffic reports. They have a different perspective. Where we on the ground see only what is in front of us...limited vision at best...the pilot of the helicopter has a totally different--more effective--vantage point. He sees things more accurately. That is why what they see is often broadcast to us through our radio stations. It helps us to know what to avoid or where to head next or how soon we can expect traffic to begin rolling again.

There is a need for me to realize that sometimes my perspective skews things. What I think is TRUTH may not actually BE truth. One way this affects me is with regard to how I view "obedience" or cooperating with God in the standards to which he calls. He wants me to glorify him in my eating and drinking.

So the Hallidays make a valid point:

Obedient responsibility for our bodies and choosing to eat only when we are hungry and stopping before we're full can be perceived either as an objectionable obligation or as an inviting opportunity. GTST, p. 171

It is a matter of perspective. How do I see things? Do I see the big picture? Like the helicopter pilot above the traffic jam? Or do I see it as an irritation that is going to ruin my hour, my day, my week!?

The way this is stated, it really makes it clear. I can be a baby having a tantrum or delight in being invited into fellowship with God where he cares even about what seems so mundane in my life!

Love for God shifts our attitude from the objectionable, "I have to avoid it at all costs," to loving response, "It's a choice I want to make," in obedience to him. Since all of this originated from the love of God, our new attitude arises from our deep assurance of God's good will toward us. We come ultimately to the sure knowledge that pursuing godly choices will result in a depth of joy and satisfaction that makes every other pleasure and gratification seem trivial. GTST, p. 171-172

A shift in my perspective will enable me to recognize the hunger in my soul, the agitation, the tendency toward rebellion welling up in me and trust that God wants it surfaced and that HE will meet it, HIS way, in HIS time. I don't need to shove it down and pretend it isn't there. Recognize it. Give voice to it (this is showing respect), and present it to God - "Lord, what will you do with this?"

The basis for our choices then becomes not what will gratify my desire immediately, but what will satisfy my hunger for God and His righteousness. With this silent hunger at the core of our being, we develop a profound desire to respond in obedience to God by honoring our bodies. GTST, p. 172

This change in perspective will change everything...everything. I delight in the invitation to walk with God and to hear him whisper to me about what I eat or drink. I won't resent his intrusion or minimize his presence. I will thank him that he wants me to be aware of him. So high and lifted up, yet intimate in the moment with me...right now...with you right now. He is here, he touches you, he delights over you with singing right now. He invites each of us to dine with HIM.

Let's shift our perspective, shall we? Rather than resent the intrusion, let's confidently know that he has a greater plan in his sights. It is a GOOD plan. It will bring TRUE joy and TRUE satisfaction to our hearts!

Get Rid of the Baggage!

...let us throw off everything that hinders...
Hebrews 12:1b

The video below may be very hard to watch. Supposedly no horses or people were permanently physically hurt or killed in this video (there is no bloodshed).

The video is of a pleasure driving class. Fancy clothes, fancy horses, fancy "buggies," and a wreck. A BIG wreck...

Horses are prey animals. They are hard wired to think things are chasing them to eat them. The fact that they ever pull something behind them safely is an amazing thing. But, given one scary moment, what often happens is the switch is flipped in their mind and instinct to survive takes over. They aren't just afraid they will be *hurt*, but are convinced they will be gutted and killed by whatever it is that is behind them (one reason I don't think I will ever ride in something pulled by a horse).





What I see in this video is precisely what I have been doing in my life...Blinders on, racing through life, afraid of what seems to be chasing me. I don't seem to realize that I carry it with me. I have wrecks constantly, taking out innocent bystanders along the way. Just what damage do I do...?

The safest thing is, of course, to stop the forward momentum--to be still. To allow my "Handler" to remove the cart, the baggage...and to free me from what ails me. He will remove the blinders, too. He will enable me to catch my breath, to see clearly...what I was running from like an out-of-control locomotive is something I bring with me. I have to let Him show me this or I will keep doing it...without meaning to.

I can blame others all I like, but the truth is...I bring it all with me. I must let it go.

This is what God has been doing in my life over the past couple of months...showing me that I have been bringing very "quiet" baggage into my life. I didn't even know it was there, attached, stuck to me. Suddenly, when I DO realize something is there, I react! I want to run! I MUST escape!!!

It has affected how I have responded to circumstances (like doctor appointments or conflicts at church). I have been *reacting*...or what Get Thin Stay Thin calls responding "reflexively." A knee-jerk sort of thing. In fact, with conflicts and struggles at my church, it has even caused me to want to escape...to run for all I am worth--JUST like the horses in this video. "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" Truly, safety is in the center of the ring with my Handler helping me to see that, when I am with him, all is well...the cart that is attached can be removed, the blinders removed...the baggage unpacked. I can be unencumbered. I can see Truth. I can breathe.

Yoda was Right!

"Size matters not" as one famous Jedi once correctly said....There may not be much godly wisdom that comes from the 3 foot tall (or is he shorter than that?) sage of Star Wars infamy, but he is definitely right about this. I think to a large degree, this is God's own wisdom!

Can I just GET IT THROUGH MY HEAD? :-)

If life is about my body and my size and weight, then I have failed big time since October 2008.

Oh yes, indeed! In fact, what better description of "failure" can there be in this world than to finally, after years of struggling with losing weight, gaining it, losing weight, gaining it, writing about it all and the deeper work God wants to do, losing weight, gaining it some more, writing about it some more, then finally losing it...and keeping it off (!!!), "arriving" and "camping there," earnestly striving to encourage others....only to gain weight back!?!?!?

The enemy has had a hey day with me over this...and, as you know if you have followed this blog at all, "FAILURE" has been a label I have tried to dodge--on some days better than others. Some days I have just let the label roll over me like a Mack truck.

..but the truth of the matter is, God has allowed this to happen in my life so that I could catch sight of much greater truths no matter what size I am! Size 12 or size 14...it makes no matter. SIZE MATTERS NOT!

The reality is...this doesn't have to BE the "failure" I have made it out to be. In fact, I think God has something to say about this:

³³ He turned rivers into a desert,
flowing springs into thirsty ground,

³⁴ and fruitful land into a salt waste,
because of the wickedness of those who lived there.

³⁵ He turned the desert into pools of water
and the parched ground into flowing springs;

³⁶ there he brought the hungry to live,
and they founded a city where they could settle.

- Psalm 107:33-36

Has your fruitful land become a salt waste? Maybe God is trying to get your attention to teach you a tremendously important lesson: that success or failure is not the basis of your self-worth. Maybe the only way you can learn this lesson is by experiencing the pain of failure. In His great love, God leads us through experiences that are difficult but essential to our growth and development. The Search for Significance, pages 40-41

My rivers and flowing springs...my "fruitful land" if you will...has been turned into desert and thirsty ground. My "success" has been turned to "failure," for the sake of a greater work he is doing. What relief there is in rolling with this! No, it doesn't mean I throw in the towel on maintaining godly boundaries! Not at all! It means, I am discovering my natural God-given size (as opposed to my unnatural caffeine-given size), but more-- I am discovering a "supernatural, God-given character change!" It is worth it! OH! It is worth it! All of this baggage I have carried for so long is being exposed by this...by this! It is amazing that He can do this.

In exposing it, it is being dismantled..."unpacked" as it were. I am not carrying it into each and every situation. All because I gained a few pounds! I love it! Truly I do.

I am ok with it.

And now, I have bought new Levis. :-)

Size matters not!

So what became of DragonLady?

For our benefit, God often allows us to experience circumstances that will enable us to recognize our blind adherence to Satan's deceptions. Many times these circumstances seem very negative, but through them we can learn valuable life-changing truths. The Search for Significance, p. 39

The doctor appointment for a complete physical was a great opportunity for God to work in the present time exposing the lies I have believed and the fact that I bring these lies and their subsequent emotional baggage into the present moment. This causes things to be emotional "powder kegs," hindering my ability to be effective and sane--and godly, too! Yes, I have learned a valuable life-changing truth, all right!

God led me to be proactive. As I greeted my doctor, I was cordial. It was the end of a harried day in the office, no doubt...they had taken walk-ins and emergencies, so I had waited a long time to be seen and I knew that she was probably fried. I told her I can't imagine a day like she had had and then having to wrap it up with an exam like this one couldn't be a fun way to end a Friday. :-/

Then I explained that I would get right down to what had prompted my making the appointment--that in October of 2007 I was at a weight of 150-153 and held it steady for a year, until October 2008. Doing the same things that I had done to lose the weight (100 pounds) and then to maintain it for another year, I had nevertheless gained about 10-15 pounds. I acknowledged this to her and told her I wanted to know if anything could explain this medically. I also explained that I had gone from copious quantities of diet coke to no more diet coke.

She went over my blood work and everything looked terrific to her. I take issue with the TSH level and her conclusions about it and may get a second opinion since thyroid could explain the weight gain and some of the other symptoms I have. My cholesterol is low (in spite of french fries at McDonalds!), my glucose is great, liver function is happy--in spite of having lived as a human laboratory rat for 20 years with all the NutraSweet I had been drinking! My blood pressure IS high again, but it had climbed even before October of 2008...and so I will be treated for that again. Sigh...a blow to my pride, but genetics has won out, I guess.

So, in short, her answer was "No, nothing can medically explain your weight gain."

Reality check here...less caffeine has probably really changed my metabolism (duh...I have said this before). But it doesn't matter what has made a change. The question is...

...am I TRULY waiting for 0 or, mindlessly and without prayer, just eating what I always did for two years when I lost weight and maintained it?

So there is a need to be more honest with myself. In the past, I got away with "fudging" things some. Maybe I can't any more. God is calling me to be...dare I say it... a bit more honest?

At one point, I felt such a sense of compassion and love for this woman, I knew that Christ was giving me a glimpse of his heart for her. It was really a tender experience for me and I knew that I had to stop referring to her as "DragonLady" and begin to identify her by name...though I won't do that here to protect her identity.

A dragon WAS slain through this...the "dragon" of past emotions and experiences that have led to believing Satan's lies and bringing that with me into the present, causing me to interpret things through black-colored glasses! Good grief! How I have over-reacted to her lack of tact and lack of professionalism in the past, certainly. Yes, I will look for a new doctor because of these things...but nevertheless...I rejoice that I didn't bail before having the opportunity to see just how much I am responsible for all I felt as I faced into this appointment.

More on the deeper stuff tomorrow. God is sure using this extra weight to teach me some powerful truths. WOW! I can honestly say for the first time...this is worth it. Wow. It really is. IT IS WORTH IT to have these pounds if by doing so I truly see some things in my character that He has wanted me to see...and from which he wants to free me. PRAISE YOU, LORD!

Holy Struggle - Part 3

THIS MOMENT MATTERS! It really does! Every single solitary moment offers ramifications for eternity. BIG things, things that move heaven and earth, can happen in a moment! (Just do a quick--no pun intended--read through the gospel of Mark, noting references to time passing --like "as soon as" or "after a little while" and so on--to see what I mean!)

When we minimize the value of our choice in a moment, we are buying a lie straight out of the pit. What you think, do, say, feel in this moment...well, IT MATTERS! How often have you said or heard someone says, "Just this once won't matter..." ...but, the reality is, it DOES!

What good is it to be free from sin through Jesus Christ and have every opportunity and every possibility of walking in holiness and righteousness (with a sense of self-worth, security, and assurance that you are loved by God and valuable to Him) if at the moment of choice you ignore these things and choose to go right on as though you're a slave to sin! Ray Stedman, "From Guilt to Glory," as quote in GTST, p. 171

In the heat and emotions of the moment, a decision is made...each moment (I am being redundant for emphasis)...for the flesh or for the Spirit. The choice I make in this moment is like a seed. What kind of seed will it be? Will it be sown for the Spirit to reap spiritual, life-giving fruit? Or will it be a seed sown to the flesh, reaping death? The choice I make in the moment matters in the changing and forming of my character--in becoming more Christ-like.

And yet, I minimize the value of the moment so frequently.

Consider, in one moment, Jesus said, "Not my will, but yours, Father, be done." In one moment, he breathed his last on the cross and said, "It is finished." In one moment, Judas chose betrayal. In one moment, Judas chose to allow the rope to have it's way with his neck. (Sorry to be graphic...) In one moment Pilate said "Crucify Him, then!"

Choices in the moment are IMPORTANT.

In one moment, I can harden my heart to the sweet voice of the Spirit. I can put on blinders that say "No. MY way, Lord." Or I can welcome his presence into the emptiness that lures me to food. In this moment, I can say, "Yes, Lord. I wait on YOU to feed my soul..."

To deny myself what my flesh wants in this moment isn't just about "losing weight." It is about sowing for the Spirit in my life...this lasts for eternity! There are eternal ramifications!

The moment of choice involves the willingness to surrender our old nature to the Spirit of God. Choice engages our will governed by the Spirit. Choice involves examining our old unworkable beliefs and habitual responses and replacing them with truthful beliefs followed by choices that yield action in accordance with the Spirit. GTST, page 171.

It is amazing what can happen in a single moment. I choose in a moment to surrender or not. To surrender to God in the moment is followed by many moments of relief and joy that I have done so! To give in to my flesh in the moment is followed by regret and self-condemnation for many moments, too. The moment of decision matters so much. It also leads to other moments that will be influenced by the decision. When I condemn myself, I am more likely to make additional choices that will continue the spiral down. So why not capture the moment for joy? For delight? For "success" and "victory?"

So, in the blink of an eye, I choose to REJECT old unworkable beliefs in favor of God's way or I can dig deeper the rut of sameness...the sameness that doesn't serve me or the goals God has given me...

NO WAY.

Buck this with me today. Ok? Let's throw off the momentary decisions that keep us locked in to things that have derailed all our godly goals! Let's grab THIS moment for the Lord...and now THIS moment...ok...now THIS one! See how that works? Before you know it, we have a whole series of moments that have been grabbed for the Lord..maybe even an hour's worth of moments! And the cool thing is, even if we have a moment of indiscretion, it doesn't negate all the many moments we have given to the Lord. In God's great economy, all those moments that we choose to die to self and say yes to the Spirit somehow are like some wondrously amazing investment reaping fruit 100 times! Trust Him that he will take your momentary decisions and use them for great things! I will too!

I am REJECTING lies!!! WHOO HOO!

I have been dreading the appointment on Friday with DragonLady -- my doctor--who likes to try to use shame, guilt, condemnation --FEAR--in order to elicit change.

Some years ago, when my weight had gone up up up with each appointment, she finally gave in and threw off her supposed professional self-restraint and, upon seeing my current weight (at the time it was 250 pounds), breathed a contemptuous, "Your POOR horses!" (No eye contact offered...)

Ok, this was ROTTEN. I mean dirty, low down and, simply, NOT good and Satan himself couldn't have heaped better condemnation on me if he had been standing in the room. For several years prior to that comment, I had tormented myself about how hard it was for the horses to carry me and I had, in fact, STOPPED riding them. The only reliable horse I had at the time was Breezy--rather diminutive in stature (though very LARGE in spirit and attitude). The other horses I had were "green" and very sensitive and I reasoned that their behavior issues when I was aboard might be related to my size and inability to sit well upon them. Some heavy people have an amazing "seat" and are easier for a horse to carry than some lighter folks who don't have a "good seat," but I was reasonably assured that I didn't have either a light body *or* a good seat...

So DragonLady, as I dubbed her that day, merely gave a voice and face to the self-condemning messages I had been sending myself for a while.

Even after I released a lot of weight through 2007, I had this sense that DragonLady wanted to hear all about the marathons I had been running (I hadn't been) or the strength training program I was committed to (I wasn't) or the veggies and lean meats I was eating (bleah...unless the veggies are in salsa). She couldn't "hear" that I was eating anything I wanted when I was hungry (typically NOT veggies and lean meats) and stopping when I was no longer hungry and definitely couldn't abide my sharing that "I go to God for all of the other reasons I have eaten in the past..." - No...I think DragonLady is pretty well anti-God and all about how great the human body is when it is thin and exercised (she would have loved me during my obsessive years...).

So yesterday, about mid-afternoon, something inside me flipped out--big time. I went into hyper-freak-out mode and my accountability partner (who follows my blog somewhat and perhaps having seen what a cheery morning post I had put on the blog...) upon seeing my accountability report at the end of the day said: Is this about your appointment with DragonLady on Friday afternoon?

Well...if she hadn't said that, I don't think I would have given it any thought. As it was, it struck me as a BFO (blinding flash of the obvious!) DUH!

I was freaking out about the extra pounds I was now carrying since the last time I saw DragonLady. I was freaking out about my blood pressure being up (well, gosh, if I am freaking out about anything else, I am sure my blood pressure will also reflect that...) and frustrated that I felt TRAPPPED with no way to escape. I mean, I really really really want to know if there is anything medically that can explain the *betrayal* I have felt at the hands of my body gone bonkers since I got off of diet soda. I had my blood tests last Friday and the policy is they won't let me see the results, but that DragonLady has to go over them with me. It is a conspiracy!!!!

This morning, my heavenly Daddy led me to evaluate what is really going on here. He used the principles in His Word and in the book and workbook The Search For Significance. What I discovered was profound to me and it is clear that much of the emotional work of the previous months and years has been pointing to something like this...to be able to dismantle an extreme emotional reaction to an event and be able to counter my responses with TRUTH--God's truth. I want to share this here. This has a TRUCKLOAD to do with weight, body image and eating, so I hope anyone who wades through all of this rambling "brain barfing" will be able to find a real life application for themselves as well.

Given over to the runaway thoughts that were plaguing me yesterday, I could have gone nuts eating and not looked back for weeks. In fact, I had a rough evening with my eating...and there was definitely a connection (thus, the question from my accountability partner).

First question to ask myself: What is the worst thing that could happen tomorrow when I see Dragonlady? She could rebuke me for my weight gain, say something sarcastic, elicit shame, and a sense of condemnation. I could end up going through the drive through on the way home, ordering 12 snack wraps at McDonalds, a large fry, and hop over to Carl's Jr. for an Oreo milkshake, all chased with a 44 oz. DIET COKE! HA! Ok, so this is the worst that could happen...and it sounds like a crash and burn to me!

But then, worse than that, I could take that "failure" with me into the following days and weeks and the spiral down could continue. So, that all sounds pretty bad to me.

So what to do? I can either cancel my appointment with DragonLady and start from scratch with a new doctor who might or might not be better than DragonLady, let alone have to reacquaint herself with my records...or, I can evaluate this and see if there is something going on that God wants to heal.

So I am looking head on at this. I choose healing. Ouch. It is always painful when I do that. But it is also always such a relief in the long run.

So the worst thing is DragonLady may trigger all my past stuff.

I DO NOT NEED TO ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN.

I want to experience the present moment and maybe there will be healing here. I mean, I don't NEED to be a victim to any more DragonLady types. I am a VICTOR, more than a conqueror in Christ!

So, God led me to ask "What emotions are present here?" I prayerfully evaluated what emotions are present as I anticipate my doctor's appointment. I realized there are a bunch of things. I fear being "caught" and "exposed." I fear her feeling "contempt" for me and these things: shame, guilt, feeling stupid, feeling inferior, rejection, discouragement, inadequate, insignificant, embarrassed--all of these things in relation to a DOCTOR appointment??? WOW! Talk about an overreaction!

So I asked the Lord the third question: What is at the root of all this stuff! I mean, she is just a person. No one "special" to me personally.

He showed me that my fear of abandonment is at the root of this. No, not by DragonLady, but all of these emotions are connected to "I don't measure up and if I don't measure up, I will be abandoned." I know this is related to the fact that, as a kid, my mom and dad tried to place me in a foster home. We had financial stability--my dad was a well-respected physician. It wasn't like there was a "need"...I interpreted it as "My mom doesn't want me any more. If I were different she would. I don't measure up." Somehow, in feeling like I don't measure up even to Dragonlady, it triggers that sense of "I am unworthy. I am unwanted."

So, AHA!!! This is a lie from the pit of hell! I can counter this with God's Truth! God led me this morning to confess that I have bought in to Satan's lie...that my performance, how "good" I am, defines my worth. I have allowed this to define my self worth for so long and now it is actually hindering me from being able to be at peace going to something so simple as an appointment with my doctor. So, I confess that and I confess that I also know that HE ALONE DEFINES MY WORTH and VALUE. My mother in the past doesn't and all the other authority figures in my life that were disappointed with my "performance" don't either. DragonLady doesn't and MY WEIGHT DOES NOT DEFINE MY WORTH either! Others' opinions of me do NOT define my worth.

I am deeply loved, completely forgiven and pleasing to God, totally accepted by God, and a new creation, complete in Christ.

The reason I react so strongly to DragonLady isn't her lack of professionalism and lack of tact and just stupidly rude comments of the past. It is because of the baggage I bring with me, the huge part of which is believing the lie that what others think of me defines my worth. If I go to my appointment solidly believing that God alone defines my worth, then gosh...it doesn't much matter what she says or does. I won't end up with the "crash and burn" thing happening afterwards. If I believe what GOD says is true...that I am precious NO MATTER WHAT...then I go in the same person I come out--perfect and holy in Christ. PERIOD. Nothing DragonLady says or does changes my value!

I have allowed my weight to make me feel like I have value or not. I have allowed my body size to define my worth. I see it as a failure or not--value or not--and I assume others do too. Because I have allowed myself to base my life and self-worth on this false belief I have set myself up for feeling HORRIBLE when I encounter DragonLady (and others). I have set myself up to FEEL like a failure. No matter what DragonLady says or does, it is NOT a reflection of my character, value, or worth.

I choose this day to REJECT the notion that my weight or blood pressure defines my worth. I have embraced these lies for so long that in a situation like this I am a mess. NOT THIS TIME! NANNER NANNER MOO MOO, Satan! You can't trip me up THIS time!

I take responsibility for my weight, yes. But I am going to find out if there is a medical reason for my body functioning differently. I also take responsibility for feeling so agitated, worried, freaked about my appointment with DragonLady because I have believed lies. In fact, I will go one more...

I choose to repent and confess right now that God alone defines my worth. I have for too long bought Satan's deception and it has caused me to have emotions and feelings--and subsequent sinful actions many times--that are out of God's will for me! I reject Satan's deception today. I choose to embrace God's truth that I am deeply loved, fully pleasing, completely forgiven, totally accepted and complete in Christ. (I know I am being redundant...but I have to learn to think differently...for all the times I have repeated the lies, I know I may need to repeat the truth...)

Holy Struggle - Part 2

Our new nature in Christ is liberty: liberty from the bondage to food, eating, and weight; liberty from the shackles of the painful past; and liberty from the grave clothes of our addictions. Through his grace we experience the powerful movement of the Spirit from within us, the consequence of the Spirit's authority in our lives. As we stop relying on ourselves and start trusting God, we find that, rather than being controlled by our obsessions with food, eating, and weight, our patterns of sin and addiction can be broken. GTST, p. 168

For years, not only have I made FOOD a big focus of my life, but I also have made dieting a big focus. And, even, NON-dieting (Thin Within) a big focus of my life. Everything, it seems, was about food and weight or about "breaking free" from food and weight. God is showing me that this, too, can be a ruse to dealing with the deeper issues.

So, he has been scraping my life clear of these "solutions." In the big emptiness that remains, God's grace is moving in and through...There is a mighty desert where the fire of the Spirit has scorched the briars, thistles and weeds of my attempted solutions--all the things I have filled my life with to "fix" myself. But now, the wind of His Spirit blows through as well. I sense His presence mightily. It is, at times, overwhelming. It is astonishingly refreshing and I see clearly...that I have been trying to fix myself, even these past two and a half years. I lay that down. I CHOOSE to trust God with this. To no longer be controlled by obsessions of any kind. Even "I am fixing it" obsessions.

In keeping with the Lazarus theme and this very thing that the Lord is laying on my heart, this passage so summarizes my longing:

But whatever was to my profit
I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.
What is more, I consider everything a loss
compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord,
for whose sake I have lost all things.
I consider them rubbish,
that I may gain Christ
and be found in him,
not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law,
but that which is through faith in Christ—
the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.
I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection
and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings,
becoming like him in his death,
and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
Philippians 3:7-11

Everything a loss? Even the good things!

I am experiencing this freedom as never before, but it is definitely coming through the fellowship of sharing in sufferings.

The tension between the old nature and the new nature may prompt us simply to try harder to control our actions in order to promote a pattern of behavior in accordance with the Spirit. However, the means toward life in the Spirit is not one of trying harder or of perfection attained through legalistic controls--the means toward new life is grace...we observe our behavior and correct it with the compassion of Christ. GTST, p. 169


This is where I have to spout off again WITH JOY-- I am deeply loved by God, I am completely forgiven by God. I am fully pleasing to God. I am totally acceptable and accepted by God. I am a new creation, complete in Christ! IS THIS NOT CAUSE TO DO THE HAPPY DANCE? Such JOY there is in embracing these TRUTHS!

Ok, just a reality check here...in light of these TRUTHS, what can food for any reason other than fuel, really offer me? Nothing. What can diet coke offer me? Nothing. This stuff is my real food and drink. It is SO sustaining.

God is feeding my hungry soul.

I pray the same for you. It is a bear letting my soul stay hungry long enough to wait for Him or for me to recognize His presence--to wait and not to feed it something (anything), but waiting for him, he brings home truth to which I have been NUMB for so long. I can't just partially "numb out." If I numb myself to pain, I will also be numb to joy, truth, peace..."That ain't no way to live!"

Holy Struggle - Part 1

I have to laugh! Titling this post "Holy Struggle - Part 1" is definitely a misnomer! This entire JOURNEY has been a "holy struggle!" So calling this post "Holy Struggle Part 32,039" might be a better fit! LOL!

I continue to make my way through Get Thin Stay Thin by the Hallidays. I am on Chapter 8 which is titled "Holy Struggle."

When we feel and acknowledge the pain and the hunger, we immediately expect food...GTST, p. 166

The past two blog entries I have spoken about processing things, allowing myself to FEEL the pain of unresolved issues, current or past, and asking God how HE wants me to deal with them. I do this so that I process them in a godly way and cease from "short-circuiting" his intentions, allowing Him to work his will in my life. Doing this is painful. I feel the silent hunger of my heart that I have been stifling for so long. And I see my tendency to grab food, or a "soothing" hot chocolate beverage or to distract my mind by working on the internet (I do graphic and website design).

...this is the essence of addictive behavior--turning to the quick fix when the emotions are high, when the pain is throbbing. We try to anesthetize those feelings with food. GTST, p. 166

How true. I know the futility of doing this. Do you? The food may seem to make it better for a short while, but truthfully, whatever it is God wants to do in my life is derailed and then has to be revisited. In supposedly avoiding it...again, I merely prolong the inevitable. He will bring yet another situation to my life to allow those same feelings to surface. Often, this causes that "triggering" thing that I mentioned in my previous post...how much easier it would be if I would allow Him to work His will in my life now instead of running from it...even if it hurts.

...so when God says, "Wait," or, "Be patient, I am feeding you," often our response is, "Well, great, but it's not what I ordered." We struggle against God's request for patience because everything in us is saying, "NO! This hunger doesn't feel good. It hurts and I want to feel better right now! Feed it!" GTST, p. 166

Oh how well I can relate to this...in a big way. I want everything to be ok, for my home to be in order, for my life to be ok, the kids happy and plugged in to life with others. I don't want to wait when I feel pain. It seems so counter-intuitive. Lord, please help me to wait on you.

It becomes a holy struggle simply to choose not to put something between ourselves and that pain, between ourselves and another person, between ourselves and God. Holy struggle is choosing to deal with the pain, not to give in to our old addictions and not to develop new ones. GTST, p. 166

God has been doing such a major process with me in all of this. Right now, as I face going to the doctor, I face into the potential for being shamed by her in which case I will end up giving her a piece of my mind (speaking the truth in love...HA! Yeah, right!). I would rather NOT go to the doctor than face this fear and possible shaming experience. I struggle with feeling shame enough as it is. Instead, I need to cling to the Lord and hold his hand through it. I need to realize ahead of time, that if the doctor tries the shaming thing, it WILL likely trigger unresolved issues. I need to welcome that as an opportunity to process these afresh, with the LORD, HIS will HIS WAY, through all of those memories and experiences.

However, I would rather RUN and pacify myself with talk of going to her later after I've found a way to get these extra pounds off that I have "found" again...see there? It is still about performance...God is allowing this season of my life so I can break free from that and he is working with me on it SO much, but I still wear the pounds "found" again like a badge of DIShonor...good grief! Years of doing that are hard to shake. If I can't run (and I can't), I want to numb myself to this feeling of being trapped...

It IS a holy struggle. I must surrender. I think instead of fighting and writhing around about it, I need to rest...stop fighting what God wants to do. Allow His Spirit in me to rise up and flow in and through my weakness...Do it, Lord...please do it...

Getting it...

The Hallidays use the story of Lazarus having been in the grave and called out by Jesus to new life as a picture of the process to which God calls us. God invites us out of disordered eating, flesh machinery, and unworkable beliefs to abundant life. Lazarus, four days in the grave, is called by Jesus to step forth from the dead into life:

When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice,
"Lazarus, come out!"
The dead man came out,
his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen,
and a cloth around his face.
Jesus said to them,
"Take off the grave clothes and let him go."

John 11: 43-44

Close friends and family participate in Lazarus' grave clothe unwrapping and welcome Lazarus to a new life. We must allow our grave clothes to be unwrapped in order to fully embrace the new abundant life that Jesus calls us to experience.

So today I had a new realization of what the grave clothes even are. For some reason, the concept was vague for me before. So here are my thoughts on that and I hope it will make sense.

As with Lazarus, our grave clothes keep us bound. They may even hide the "stench" and "decay" of who we really are. In our case, this isn't physical decay, but more of a "decay of spirit" from years of wounds inflicted (maybe even abuse) and from rubbing shoulders with others in this world who are sinful. Our grave clothes insulate us from the pain we feel when we have a close look at who we are and how we feel about things, people, life. Until now, when we have inadvertently gotten in touch with pain in our deepest places--that "silent hunger,"--we may have earnestly added another layer of wrappings to suppress it, to keep it quiet. We have relied on our own way of protecting ourselves. For some of us this has been through substance abuse, "numbing out" with online game playing, reading (even good Christian books!)--anything that might keep us from feeling or from dealing with real life.

But right now, Jesus calls to each of us:

"______ (insert your name) COME OUT!"

The process to which we are called is to step out of "hiding" and then slowly, with respect, unwrap the grave clothes that we have relied on for so long--those unworkable beliefs, habitual ways of handling things, addictions...and as we set them aside a bit at a time, allow ourselves to *feel*. (This is best done in some form of community--with a close friend, godly Christian counselor, or small group with whom we can dare to be ourselves safely.)

We do this with fear and trepidation--it is true. But we don't do it alone. With a godly, loving friend at our side and with the Lord Jesus' hand in our own, we can go to him with what comes up in our spirit, in our soul--in the aching, empty part of our hearts.

Instead of crushing the cry with grave wrappings, we give it a voice, invite it to be heard, offer it to the Lover of our Souls...

"This, Lord...what do I do with this...?"

Where before we quickly "bound it up," kept it "under wraps," stifled the feeling, now we dare to let ourselves see what is really there. (This connects with this blog entry. The two go hand in hand.)

We step into the light, free from the grave clothes that protected us from many things, but that also kept us from really being all God has intended. He intends that we experience the abundant life in Christ,including His peace and His joy--things that are diminished in our attempts to diminish the sensation of pain. We have to stop clinging to our own self-reliance, our own way of doing things.

Slowly, over time, as we peel away layer upon layer of the grave clothes, he shows us all the healing he intends for our hearts and how we have been relying on food in a superficial way to counterfeit what he wants to do truly from the inside out.

The unwrapping of the grave clothes happens one baby step choice at a time in the present moment. It is that choice now NOT to turn to another dish of ice cream. It is that decision now not to guzzle one more diet soda. It is that willingness to refrain from "vegging out with a movie," and, instead, to stay present to real life--now. It is being willing to be sleepless for a time, if need be, to forgo using the Tylenol PMs at night because of using caffeine too much during the day...it is being willing to experience life, now..., Even without caffeine by day and without sleep aids by night! To feel...now...whatever that may mean.

I have to trust that God will take me through this. That is the hard part. I mean, Jesus let Lazarus die when he could have prevented that. There was a greater glory in store. Can you imagine Lazarus ever doubted the Lordship of Christ after that experience? He may have known Jesus as a pretty amazing man before hand--maybe even thought he was from God, but after being sick, suffering, dying and being in the grave four days, only to be called out...I think he may have thought the suffering was worth what he learned through it. Jesus is God...he can do anything!

I have to trust the same is true with me.

The Present Not the Past Part 4

How much will I allow my past to define me now? Will I believe that the Lord is greater than any of my past failures or the wrongs done to me? Will I believe what HE has said about me? This is very much related to my eating. Especially when it comes to emotional eating (and other strongholds).

This is how it has worked for me:

Someone says something that I interpret as rejection (or some other unpleasant thing). It triggers a memory, however distant (maybe even from 4th grade!). I may not even be aware that it has triggered that memory. Before I know it, I have taken whatever was done in the present moment and attributed to the present things that went with a past event. In fact, I may even allow a "domino" affect to take place...triggering an entire series of past memories that seem related. I may do this all without realizing it!

I may, in fact, respond as if I were that little girl in 4th grade trying to fit in and not quite making it. Even though I am an adult in the present moment, my experiences with similar emotions may be stunted...I haven't ever responded as an adult to these kinds of emotions...or I have rarely because I have tended to use coping mechanisms (like eating) to make it through.

At this point, I may find myself feeling emotional pain...and projecting all kinds of things to the present experience that aren't even there at all!

When I do this, I may want to be free from the pain that I feel. It may seem impossible that I have allowed something so "small" to make me so upset in the present moment, but the fact is, I have brought past unresolved issues into this moment. Frankly, I believe that until I allow the Lord to resolve these past issues (even those from 4th grade), I will continue to experience things in the present that trigger those past memories. The truth is, he will have his way and he wants me to be conformed to the image of Christ.

If I insist on numbing myself to my pain in the present moment by looking to food for the temporary false comfort it offers, I will perpetuate this cycle...that of continuing to have a series of unresolved painful memories...and something in the future is likely to trigger them all...resulting in eating to numb myself from the pain and on it goes. (Please note that it doesn't have to be something super traumatic or abusive in order for this to happen. It can be just the ordinary things that happen as we grow up in a world where kids are cruel and people are sinful. It is life, but life can hurt!)

This cycle can be stopped. But first, I have to be willing to FEEL. I have to be willing to say NO to the temporary "joy" that eating may give me in these moments when I am feeling pain. I have to be willing to go to God and to invite him to help me to become what He intends through the pain.

I will not minimize how I feel, but acknowledge that something has triggered a deep feeling and invite God to show me what HE wants me to do with it. Journaling can be a big help here!

One way of doing this is to go back through the past experiences that are triggered. I can remember the moments when kids in the 6th grade said mean things, or the jibes in 7th grade, or the rejection of the 8th grade boyfriend, or the softball coach in 9th grade that added to my sense of abandonment when our team wasn't "good enough" for him to show up at the games any more...or...well, the list goes on and on.

God wants me to look head on in to these, feel the pain of the 4th grade girl in a new school and allow HIM to comfort me. He says these things matter...they are affecting how I respond today and are causing me to turn to food so that I don't have to feel.

I believe that forgiveness is the antidote to much of this tendency we have to bring our past into the preset moment and to hinder us from walking in freedom.

True forgiveness cannot exist without the acknowledgment of the extent of the damage. Forgiveness takes seriously the magnitude and profound effect of the hurtful event. It does not condone the behavior nor does it minimize the damage. Rather, forgiveness honestly confronts the extent of the harm and calls the offender to accountability. Get Thin Stay Thin, p. 149

We take all of this to God. Each event, each incident, each emotion felt as a tender 10-year old, teenager or middle-aged woman...whatever we experienced, whenever we experienced it, we intentionally choose to remember, to feel, to reject depending on food to cope, to cling to God and ask Him to be whatever He wants to be for us in that, so that we can become what He intends through it.

As he does this work, we then intentionally choose to release those who wronged us--or who we perceived to have wronged us.

This isn't easy, but there is freedom and growth. Our character develops and we become more like the Lord we serve as we allow him full sway to do that which he intends in and through our suffering.

Lessons From A Horse...

My horse, Harley is aptly named. Even at the ripe old age of 23, the "Arab" blood in my "Morab" comes to the surface frequently. He is zealous and energetic! In fact, really? He is my dream horse, being solicitous and cute and interactive with me...but he is also quite the stern task master. God uses my horses all the time to move me forward in my walk with Him, in the way I relate to people, believe it or not! (This is Harley and me on the trail yesterday...photo taken by hubby. :-))


In January, I got up on Harley when I knew better...I had a rough experience with someone who did an emotional "one-two" punch to my spirit and emotions. I was very wounded and agitated -- wound up emotionally. When I try to be with Harley in that frame of mind, I know it is likely to be a wild ride. He won't stand for it. On that day, he showed me (again...) in no uncertain terms that I must come to him a whole person, ok in my own skin.

I have had a "love affair" with this horse for six years. It has been rocky at times...because, frankly, life doesn't always lend itself to me feeling "ok in my own skin."

Many people love horse time because they feel like it is like a therapy session. Harley is NOT an equine therapist. While my experiences with my horses *can* be restorative and rejuvenating, with Harley, I better not come NEEDY to time with him. If I am in a "needy" place, I better ride Breezy instead or stay OFF a horse's back all together!

Back in January, my rides on Harley before that emotional day and immediately following that day were wonderful. He affirmed again that, yup...it was all about the emotional baggage (or lack of) that I brought with me to our time together. "Leave it at the gate, woman!"

*That* day, however, when I brought my baggage with me (it was a fresh wound...what can I say?) was a rocket ride, ending with me bailing and, amazingly (and fortunately enough) landing on my feet and him coming to a halt, my hands on his mane...as if we had planned it together--some sort of "trick riding" and "flashy dismount." HA!

Yesterday dawned, and, during my quiet time, I found myself very emotional--wounded--about some things I have been trying to process. A week ago, my husband set aside the morning in his Blackberry so that he could ride with me. This would be the first time in three
months that Bob had ridden with me. Years ago, he would take time one day each week to go in late for work so we could have an early morning ride in addition to our Saturday morning ride. Life has been very hectic for him with lots of travel...we haven't been able to do this. So this was SPECIAL! I had in mind showing Bob a great trail that Breezy and I had scouted out together. (I usually explore new trails with Breezy, who can handle my uncertainty as well as my emotional melt downs! LOL!)

As I went and hooked up the trailer to the truck, I was STILL wound up emotionally. Not only that, but my deep sadness...my mourning expressed with prayerful tears to God during my quiet time...had moved to ANGER. (It is a nice way of not feeling pain, I guess. :-/)I was wound up emotionally, all right--probably worse, even, than that day back in January! In fact, when my husband came out to the corral, I gave him a piece of my mind that I couldn't afford to lose!

There I was, an emotional basket case...I really wanted to go on this ride with my husband, but KNEW I couldn't ride Harley with the way I was feeling. He would be likely to give me a "western moment" or twelve...or he might push the ejection seat button... "Woman, you are NOT helping my life be peaceful and calm...GOOD BYE!" with a nice LAUNCH.

Clear as anything I knew that, if I was going to have a safe ride, I had to CHOOSE to let all that stuff go...I didn't go into denial. Harley sees through that. As we drove from the house to the trailhead, I pondered the song "The More I Seek You" and the line that says "I melt in Your peace..." I asked God to help me to melt in His peace. He answered powerfully....He supernaturally enabled me to let the stuff go and to choose to forgive, to release the agitation.

Even writing it, it seems amazing. It was a supernatural shift in perspective. The issues were (and are) still there, but somehow they aren't all consuming.

I am so glad I took care of this during our travel to the staging area. Harley knew the difference. *I* knew the difference. And Breezy and Bob were able to experience a much less stressful time than they would have if I had been astride Harley with all that baggage!

I had one of the greatest rides ever on him. In spite of it being a new trail, he was great for it. We even enjoyed a wonderful controlled little canter up a slight grade...(another amazing thing!) Hubby had a good time. :-) *I* did, I think Harley did, too! (And of course, Breezy did! :)

It struck me as we got back to the trailer how *good* I felt compared to how I felt as we left home...

My horse makes me a better person. With Harley, I have to be "on" with the Lord. I have to allow the Holy Spirit to be in charge--not my flesh. I can't fake it.

What if I did this releasing thing, this "melting into God's peace," even when I am not riding? Maybe that is the point! :-) God wants me to learn to journey through life, releasing these things to him...honestly facing into them, but allowing HIM to carry the load.

Last night, I got to discover that all those burdens I was carrying? Well, I didn't have the full story to much of it...the heart of it was missing from my understanding. God gave me a gift of seeing that all that junk I carried in the morning wasn't mine to carry. Letting it go was precisely what he wanted...Now I am not only not nursing a sore bum from a flying dismount from my horse :-), but my heart is being healed by His Spirit with a more accurate understanding of things that God has allowed in my life.

Without Harley "demanding" so much of me, yesterday would have been MUCH different. Thanks, Lord, for using my horse to make me a better person...more like what You want me to be.

Appearances Aren't What They Seem

This journey has been about so much more than my weight...and it continues to be. Recently, God has shown me that I have continued to allow my perception of myself to be defined by my performance--externals--which, in the eyes of the world now appears to be "poor." Having gained some of the weight I had lost, I am a "failure" in the eyes of the world (maybe even the Christian world!). I know in my heart that there is more at work here than that.

My eating, for instance, has been mostly within godly parameters during the past 2 - 3 months. The same parameters within which I operated to lose the 100 pounds and keep it off for a year. So, go figure. Bottom line... I know that I have God's seal of approval! :-)

As I have shared previously, I think my body has reacted to my choice to obey God about laying down the constant intake of caffeine (probably about the equivalent of 120 ounces of diet coke each day or more...). I think doing that has pretty well kept me at this "new" weight. (Again, God delights that I choose to obey him!)

I am realizing slowly and accepting even *more* slowly that THIS may be my "natural God-given" size and the previous lower weight may have been my "UNnatural, caffeine-given" size. It is a tough thing to swallow and shows me just how much I think like the world in this regard! I will continue to invite God to renew my mind and to transform my thinking. He is faithful.

When I began to read in The Search for Significance about shame, I realized that God has some lessons for me here. It is as if I have renewed a relationship with an old, familiar... ..."acquaintance." Shame seems to accompany me again... or it sure is trying to do so!

Shame often engulfs us when a flaw in our performance is so important, so over-powering, or so disappointing to us that it creates a permanently negative opinion about our self-worth. Others may not know about our failure, but we do. We may only imagine their rejection, but real or imagined, the pain resulting from it cripples our confidence and hope. The Search for Significance, McGee, page 101

With weight...everyone sees the "failure" or the "flaw in our performance." It is a bummer!

I have made this "failure" so important and overpowering and disappointing...

But here is the deal. Having seen this, and been reminded of it again and again over the past few months, I WILL NOT allow it to define me! NO NO NO! :-D

Just as the quote above says, I have imagined people rejecting me over this and it has crippled my confidence and my hope! That is NO way to live.

God is continuing to work a change in my thinking. He is helping me to see just how valuable my choice has been to honor him about the diet soda--and that the struggle I have had since has been worth it. To the world, it may appear that I am another "dieting" failure. But I know that isn't the case! I know that what I really am is a "laying the idols down" SUCCESS! :-)

Going even deeper, though, I know what matters most is NOT my performance, but what Christ has done for me. He alone defines my worth and value. He is showing me more and more each day what that means...theoretically and practically speaking how it applies to my life when the rubber hits the road.

Let's Get Out of the Muck!

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.

- Psalm 40:1-3a

I continue my side trip through the theme of The Present, Not the Past, in keeping with the focus of chapter 7 of Get Thin Stay Thin.

The excerpts below are from The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee. This book is being used by God to continue His transforming work...the "new thing"...from the inside out. It is flooring me how much God is at work changing the way I think.

...nothing forces us to remain in the mold of the past! By the grace and power of God, we can change! We can persevere and overcome! No one forces us to keep shifting our feet in the muck of old failures. TSFS, page 95.

Right now, I CHOOSE to get my feet (and face) out of the muck of old failures! I CHOOSE to step my feet on SOLID ground--the ground where You define me through all you have done for me and in me in Christ Jesus. These aren't empty words. You have done amazing things. Which will I value more? Place more emphasis on, focus on the most? MY behavior and performance (which is, of course, flawed?) or all YOU HAVE DONE? Jesus' "performance" on the cross and His resurrection? Oh! It seems so amazing! So ridiculous that I would struggle at all with this! It is so clear to me in this moment!

From page 97 in The Search for Significance (not really a quote, but not really all my own words...sort of a paraphrase application...):

I am deeply loved, fully pleasing, totally accepted by the God of the universe. I anticipate that, as I continue to study God's Word, experience loving relationships with other believers, I will gain a better understanding of the way God values me. This will improve my sense of self-worth, as my sense of who I am will be based on TRUTH--God's Truth!

I want what the author has--past memories may be painful, but through Christ my present attitude about myself will continually change. I see how this will lead to life-long transformation relative to my struggle with eating and my body! It is a HUGE factor in all of this!

I know in my head I HAVE NO REASON TO BE ASHAMED and that covers a gamut of compulsive moments... Sure, I will continue to experience "failure" and "success" as I step out into new things (and try to improve upon "old" things I have done for years...). God will use these instances of failure and success to teach me that DESPITE MY CIRCUMSTANCES MY WORTH IS SECURE IN HIM!

Change is possible, but it is a process. TSFS, p. 98

Sometimes people get in a big hurry with the process of "losing weight." Whether it be on the forums at the Thin Within website, at church bible study, at the gym--wherever!--there is an urgency to LOSE WEIGHT! But God is after a transformation in our thinking. If thinking differently, believing differently, and depending on HIM differently aren't at the core of the physical changes, we have only reverted to yet another diet--even if it may not seem like it. The changes will be temporary.

Truly changing permanently is a lifelong process. P-R-O-C-E-S-S -- Gosh, even typing it that way is too slow for me! LOL!

So let's get out of the muck of our past and believe God for the new today and the future he has planned for all of us. We have heard and reheard Jeremiah 29:11 and it IS true.

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:18-19

It IS true that God IS doing a new thing...right NOW. This moment! Toss off the muck of past failures and defeats...and yes, even past SUCCESSES! Sometimes those beat us up more than past failures. It doesn't matter if you lost 390 pounds with Weigh Down or Weight Watchers...God wants to free you from weight beyond imagining RIGHT NOW! Me, too! He IS doing it! He promises that which he began he will complete! Let's cooperate with him. Are you with me?

Which Will I Allow to Matter Most?

Chapter 7 of Get Thin Stay Thin focuses on "The Present, Not the Past." I find my study of The Search for Significance pointing me to this emphasis as well. The chapters on shame have been very powerful...and I realize, now, that I have been on a pendulum that I only realized and mentioned here at the blog yesterday.

Too often our self-image rests solely on an evaluation of our past behavior, being measured only through a memory. Day after day, year after year, we tend to build our personalities on the rubble of yesterday's personal disappointments. The Search for Significance, p. 96

This is NO way to live.

Here is a question...my past failures are a fact. The love, mercy, and power of God is also a fact. Which one will I value more? To which will I ascribe more significance to affect me today? If I continue to value my failures, I will continue to be absorbed by a "woe is me" sort of attitude...the feeling that I am "stuck."

God's Truth (big "T") is way BIGGER than my truth (little "t"). He brings HIS Truth to bear on my truth unless I choose to value my truth more by saying I am stuck allowing it to define me. I love that he doesn't ask me to deny my truth...he wants me to embrace HIS Truth and to allow it to override, influence, the impact of my truth on me now. (Don't know if I am making any sense!)

Lord, I see this so clearly in this moment. All through the years I have allowed my sense of value to be based on my behavior--whether I've failed or succeeded--done well or not. So, when I lost all the weight, I felt like I was on top of the world! A success! I had arrived! The world noticed and celebrated! I felt good about ME! ME! ME! I was a conquering victor!

Then I began to desperately cling to that trophy...to the trophy of a thin body and to those Levis--instead of to you, Lord. Thank you that you have forgiven me for that.

But as my grip on those idols kept slipping, my sense of value and identity slipped with it. I was a failure in my mind. I clearly had not changed where my sense of value came from. I hadn't really overcome the shame of the past (which is what I thought had happened because I felt so much better about myself), but I had only masked it.

Shame comes from letting my past poor performance define me. My shame was replaced by pride when I was performing better..."succeeding" in the presence. It was like the flip side of the same coin. I am so glad to see this right now. Lord, please let it change me. Thank you for showing me this truth.

The Present Not the Past Part 3

I seem to keep swinging between pride and shame. Is it possible I never was truly free of shame? That the pride was really just masking the shame? Oh, Lord, remove it at its root! However painful it may be DO IT, please, Lord!!!

The Present Not the Past Part 2

God has convicted me about how I relate to my past. Years ago (and along the way since) I went through a lot of my past experiences and faced abuses and mistreatment I experienced--as a kid, a teenager, an adult, from unbelievers and believers, from family members and those I barely knew, from classmates, close friends, and strangers. It hasn't always been easy, but I have found joy and peace in being obedient to the Lord's mandate to forgive, and have applied the blood of Christ, choosing to forgive "just as in Christ the Lord has forgiven" me.

I feel no obvious resentment, anger, or hostility for many of the things that I have "forgiven." When I do sense resentment or anger surfacing, I typically have found such relief and freedom for *myself* in forgiving, that I work through it again rather earnestly, so as not to allow a bitter root to be established in my life with all the poison it can spread.

Nevertheless, in some ways, I seem to hold on to the past by pointing to it for a reference point for now. It is like if only I can show people what my past was like, how horribly I was treated in the past, and show in comparison just how completely God has transformed me, that is a good thing, isn't it?

Well, yes and no!

Yes, it is a wonderful thing that God has taken my broken, battered, heart and life and transformed me from what I surely would have been apart from him, and given me a wonderful family--two great kids, a loving husband, a terrific home life...I am SO blessed! These are incredible things!

But, NO... I seem to almost relish the retelling of my past story a bit much so that I can take pride that I have not become what I would have been. In other words, I have formed my sense of my identity based, in part, on my past failures and my past life...which I have supposedly extended forgiveness for and been forgiven for... How much can I really be FREE of the past if I continue to retell the stories of the past, so I can point out "Look at how great I am in light of all I have been through?"

Obviously, I don't go parading around stating it in such an obvious way (not usually!). People would see through that. It is more subtle than that but my flesh and the enemy of my soul delight in the way it trips me up.

If my identity or sense of who I am now is at all intertwined with who I was in the past, I am not entirely sure I am living in the present or can truly experience the freedom that the Lord wants me to experience in Him.

I may also NOT really be forgiving!

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, necessarily, but, like Robert S. McGee says in The Search for Significance it does mean that I won't relish the memory for any purpose. At least that is my take on it.

Even with my Thin Within journey, I wonder about this. If I retell my story again and again about being a "dieting failure" and even a "Thin Within failure," am I really forgiving myself for my past rebellions and indiscretions? Sure, there is a point where my testimony is valuable for encouraging others...but where does my emphasis--my focus--lie? Is it on what I was and "look at me now!" Or is it on what Christ has done? Am I really seeking to glorify Christ? Or self?

If I retell the failure part of my testimony again and again, is it possible that I am allowing that to define my worth and value a bit too much now? And then, just how big of a leap is it for me to take one of my "mistakes" today and think, "See? I haven't changed that much after all...I am still the same old failure, pretending not to be!"

Forgiveness is the desire to extend to another the freedom and release that we ourselves have been given at the cross. Get Thin Stay Thin p. 151

If I truly have forgiven myself for my choices in the past and have forgiven my mom, my dad, and others for wrongs done against me, I will want them to be free from that past, too. I will want them to be released. I will want to experience FULLY the freedom and release that Christ affords me...and want that for others as well.

I definitely won't use the way I was treated or the way I behaved to make me feel better about myself now.

Hmm....

Chapter 7...the Present Not the Past

The need to forgive runs very deep. It influences everything. It is pretty hard to live in the present moment if I harbor resentment for anything done an hour ago or a decade or three ago. Like so much baggage, it loads me down...

I am asking the Lord afresh...to please show me where a lack of forgiveness is hindering my walk with him. It is ironic...as I do this, there are fresh offenses occurring faster than my mind and heart can register...not to me personally, but indirectly affecting me profoundly.

I know that this is somehow intricately connected with my perception of myself, my value, my body, my eating. It is hard to be willing to "go there." I believe that true forgiveness requires that I face full on into the offense and the wounds it causes...to allow myself to feel without the benefit of the "numbing agent" used previously...to ask the Lord to do the work he intends to do through the fires of this pain.

It is NOT fun.

Dependence Not Addiction Part 6

Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it,
and whoever loses his life will preserve it.
- Luke 17:33

When we relinquish control in order to gain our lives in God, he always gives life back to us more abundantly. Dependence--the soul turned toward God, trusting in God, allowing life to unfold according to God's will--centers our lives upon God's grace. GTST, p. 131

In the past 5 months, I have been progressively releasing control to the Lord in ways I never did before. Letting go of my addiction to caffeine has resulted in HUGE changes in my body. I don't know if things were being masked by the caffeine or my body has reacted to not having caffeine pumped into it constantly...or both...but I am having to get to know myself as if I have never applied the principles taught in Thin Within before. It has been unnerving...unsettling...and, at times, so very disappointing.

But in the process, I have had to return to totally depending on Him. He guides me, he comforts me, he confronts me when necessary. He steadies me, he directs me. I didn't recognize all the ways he was trying to do this before...Though I had set aside food as a numbing agent, the diet soda was the way I numbed myself to pain...and, again, you I couldn't just numb myself to pain...I ended up numbing myself to everything. I didn't feel anything quite so much (including pain AND joy...AND the voice of God!).

As my body as been showing me that, left without caffeine to falsify a "revved" metabolism, it needs even LESS food than I was consuming before, I definitely have needed to center my life on God's grace--just as the quote above says.

I am so thankful that God has been teaching me that my value is NOT in earthly success! I would be flattened, devastated if it were! Instead, he has shown me "in the nick of time" that HE alone defines my worth. During this challenging time where I am feeling betrayed by my body, he has pointed out again and again that this is not about my body at all, but about my heart. (If you have read this blog much, I know that this must be sounding repetitive...but it is a truth I must GET and I pray others will, too! It is so vital!)

This truth that it is about something deeper than my body, instead of that coming across as a rebuke, is actually comforting. I am so THANKFUL that it isn't about my body!

Also, this notion that my body has "betrayed" me...well, I realized in a fresh way yesterday that it is ME who has betrayed my body...by putting gallons and gallons of chemicals in it for years and years...aspartame and caffeine...I was giving it something that was NOT a good thing at all...in fact, I was leading it to addiction and worse.

I have made an appointment with my doctor. This is a huge step for me. "Dragon Lady" is what I call her. I have decided not to change doctors right now when I need to find out what is going on with me medically that could explain some of the symptoms I have. She knows my history, so that is important. "Dragon Lady" has always had something to say about my weight. She uses shame to try to exact change in her patients. NOT ok.

I go in the week of the 20th to have blood tests so that we can see if a thyroid problem may explain some things. I also hope to be checked for...diabetes. Can you believe it? Oh, my pride is taking a hit in so many ways. I simply have to deal with this.

For years, when people have said, "I eat 0 to 5, but I am not losing weight." Or "I eat 0 to 5 but I keep *gaining* weight..." I have arrogantly assumed that they were not being honest with themselves. Even yesterday as I spoke with Judy Halliday, I couldn't wrap my brain around...how can eating 0 to 5 not work, even if there is a medical issue? If my metabolism is thrown off and won't burn fuel properly, then won't I not feel hunger as often? She responded "Not necessarily." HUH? What???? You mean, there MAY be times when a medical issue can get in the way of all I have learned and assumed was always true? That my body's signals may NOT be reliable???? YIKES!

I guess it is obvious why I must throw myself upon God's grace again and again. This sort of rocks my world!

I know that I need forgiveness for my arrogant self-righteous attitude toward those who have struggled in the past who may have had a medical issue! :-/

Then there is the side of me that hopes that if I do have a thyroid problem that throwing a pill down my throat will fix everything...EVERYTHING...and get me back into those levis. (I can't believe I have made Levis into an idol!!!)

But it is about my heart...so even if my body gets back on kilter and is reliable and "trustworthy" again...and even THIN...what about inside of me? Will I have learned anything?

Grace, grace, God's grace. Oh how I need it!

Throwing myself upon God's grace...

It is only then that we experience the profound flow of God's love. It is only then that we can empty ourselves enough to let our silent hunger be filled with all the fullness God desires to grow in us. GTST, p. 132

It is no small wonder that this has been an incredible growing time in my life--a time of changes internally, a time of unmeasured closeness with God. I sense his presence throughout the day and his love just as this quote says. Without the addictions in my life, I NEED and he is there saying "I AM." He is the constantly flow now...instead of caffeine and aspartame. He is my sweetness and vibrant energy. Better than an artificially stimulated adrenal gland, God's Spirit pulsates in me...it is a hard process...but filled with fewer extremes as he steadies me on this course. There IS a fullness that I hadn't experienced before.

When we exchange our weakness for God's strength, our powerlessness for his power, and pray, "Thy will, not my will, be done," we find that the healing love of Christ moves in our midst. GTST, p. 132

Dependence Not Addiction Part 5

~ Letting Go of What I have Been and What I Want to Be ~

All my life I dreamed of having horses. When I was 41, I got my dream come true! Four horses just outside my door of my house in the country!

But things haven't gone so well with living the horse dream.

Yesterday, I decided that I definitely need to make a concrete decision to let go...to let go of one of my horses. As I do that, I realize I am letting go of something I dreamed of being...I dreamed of being "good" with horses. I dreamed of being "enough" to manage any horse...especially Doc. Doc is the horse of the four that we originally bought for me--a horse who was young 6 years ago (only 4 years old)--to "grow old with." It is time that I admit that this isn't a match ordained by God conducive to growing old gracefully! (Though, I have more gray hairs now than I did 6 years ago--by a LONG shot! LOL!)


So I have found a place for Doc Tari Zebra to live for a while...hopefully long enough for me to find him a good permanent home. I mean, look at that face! How could I NOT love that face? (Happen to know anyone who wants a grullo horse who is very sweet and cute, too?)

In a very real way, I am making this step to unwrap the grave clothes. See, when I work with Doc--with any of my horses really, but Doc seems to really bring it to the surface--I NEED so much to do this "perfectly." When Doc gets nervous and really really BIG (he is a large horse anyhow and when a prey animal gets afraid, they get really HUGE!), I find myself shutting down emotionally. I don't feel fear. I disassociate. I know this is something I learned to do as a kid in an abusive environment. It isn't a good thing now. Back then, it enabled me to survive. Now it keeps me from being all that Christ wants me to be in Him.

And really? When working with horses, it probably isn't physically safe either!

So, for that reason and many others, I know that I need to release my grip on this insistence that I "do" the horse thing perfectly. That I release Doc to someone who can help him more effectively. I may love him like crazy...and if a suitable home can't be found, I am committed to providing for his physical needs for life. But it is high time that I admit that I am NOT what he needs to help him with his fears...and it is ok that I admit that.

My willingness to admit this with my horses, is proof of a deeper work that God is doing in me relative to ALL of my life. I have never worked at something as hard as I have to be "successful" with my horses unless it is my parenting. And I have never felt more like a failure. When you try so hard to do something well and no matter how hard you try, you keep falling short...something has to give. With horses, it can literally be an issue of physical safety.

The purpose of unwrapping our grave clothes is to teach us about our true character. It is here, separated from our accustomed supports and dependencies that we discover how barren our satiated souls really are. Get Thin Stay Thin, p. 130

This thing with the horses is proof of this in my life. All of my accustomed supports are missing. The food is missing, the reliance on sweet diet soda with caffeine is missing...before, I seemed satiated...now that those things are missing, I see afresh that my soul really IS barren. It is a good discovery as now I can go about tapping into living water.

No amount of "success" with "difficult" horses will satisfy. It isn't worth it to give up who I really am and who God is making me to be to fulfill the dream. I am barren, in need, and you know what? I don't have what it takes! And that is ok!

When our true nature is exposed, we face the emptiness and silence within our wrappings. Our arrogance and pride are defeated, and we learn what humble dependence on God means. Stripped of our resources and our addictions, we see ourselves with new eyes and are led toward a new response to ourselves, to life, and to God. GTST, p. 130

How perfectly these words are stated. Suddenly, I don't have to desperately grab at food again...I can sit for a bit...and it is ok. God IS in charge. God DOES care. He is here, now. In the heart of my need. Isn't it something that he says His name is "I AM?" I find that fascinating...no matter what my need, lack or desire...he responds to it with "I AM."

But I had to be stripped naked and vulnerable to see it. I had to gain some weight to realize that I am STILL out of control...that HE alone is in control and that is ok too...that is, in fact, the way I want it!

Last night I noticed a new response to life as this quote from page 130 of the Get Thin Stay Thin book mentions. I was at worship team practice and while the drummer was setting up microphones I was piddling around, tuning my guitar or trying this or that...and at least three different times I said, "I can't believe I did that...how stupid!" In that instant, I realized I said something self-deprecating and countered (out loud, if you can believe it!) with "I am NOT stupid!" I did that two more times and the drummer laughed, "I guess you have been struggling with beating yourself up!" I had to laugh. But the truth is, how much do I DO this to myself? How many years have I done this? If what the scriptures say is true (and I believe that it is), then "As a woman thinks in her heart so is she..." well, how about I nip that in the bud now...reject the self-condemning remarks and start speaking TRUTH to myself instead? Start telling myself truths like "I am 100% accepted by and acceptable TO the God of this universe, my only righteous Judge and King!"

Yes, responding to things a bit differently...to myself, to others, to circumstances.

We can then allow God to lead us--we surrender to Him. We allow God to feed us--we depend on him. We allow God to give us security--we trust in Him. We allow God to teach us--we listen to him. We allow God to love us--we find our true selves in Him. GTST, p. 131

Amen.

Dependence Not Addiction Part 4

Who do you present to the world? Who do you think of yourself as being?

I don't mean being superficial or fake. But I mean really who do you think you are? And how do you present that to others?

These are questions I have had to ask myself lately. I am like one of those giant inflatable "beings" --called "air dancers," I guess--that are sometimes seen outside of car dealerships. Huge things, they wave and bounce and attract attention, but when the power is cut and the air isn't flowing through them, they instantly deflate and become what they really are...empty plastic on the ground, flattened, needing to be filled again. The substance is gone.

How like the "air dancer" I feel! Oh, how I want to be filled up with the Lord! That my "dancing" would continue in substance!

God desires that we be shaped and molded into the image of Christ as whole people, not lacking anything. Yet in our woundedness we often defend ourselves against anything or anyone (including God) we perceive to be attacking the false yet fragile self we have worked so hard to create. GTST, p. 129

During those first two years of "doing Thin Within" I created a false self. It was who I was in front of everyone. I wasn't "faking" anything. It was my "up front," "on display" personality. It was dependent on performance and results and kudos--lots of kudos from others. When my physical results shifted--for whatever reason--it was like all the air was sucked out of the balloon. There was no longer substance of any kind to the false self. In its fragility it was wiped out. Exposed, even humiliated.

No wonder I felt like "the wind was sucked out of me" when I gained some weight back!

But this is good...I needed to see it for what it was! Now we can get down to business!

You know, when someone has wonderful outward physical "success," the world really does pull out the stops to shower accolades. I attempted to give God glory...but these were often minimized by well-meaning celebrants. Many urged me to "give yourself credit."

That is NOT a biblical view, however.

...for it is God who works in you
to will and to act
according to his good purpose.
- Philippians 2:13

It is God who is at work in me. It is His strength and He alone gets the glory. I need to remember this. He IS the substance. It isn't about me, about my weight, about my food at all. It is about the author and sustainer of all that matters.

God invites us to release this false self and to receive new life, trusting and depending on his loving will. He wants to take our struggle with food, eating, and weight, struggles that have been the "thorns in our flesh," and use them for our good--to shape and mold our character, to bring us new life and freedom. GTST, p. 129

I know this sounds bizarre, but I am excited about this. I am SO ready for change, for transformation. I met with a friend yesterday and she quoted "When the pain of staying where we are is greater than the pain of change, we will change." Boy, isn't that the truth? The pain of staying the same has overcome the pain of change and the adventure is really in hyperdive now.

I choose to release my false self, all right. Take it, Lord!

From Judy Halliday's heart: God showed me that all my attempts to look good on the outside couldn't compensate for the flaws and imperfections on the inside. GTST, p. 129

So when the weight was lost, when two national magazines (including Health) did a blurb that gave recognition for my losing 100 pounds, after teaching real-life classes, speaking to groups about how to release emotional, spiritual and physical weight, after cheers from surrounding witnesses, friends, and family members I felt pretty doggone dandy about things. I loved them all for their encouragement and support. Please don't misunderstand.

But, now the package was wrapped up nicely with a bow and paraded around like a proud peacock.

Having a form of godliness...perhaps... but something was missing.

God wanted to be sure I knew what it was...humility, for starters. An awareness of the remaining flaws and imperfections on the inside. In fact, any time I might start feeling a bit aware of my internal lack, it was so easy to point to the outward physical changes--lost weight--and think, "THAT proves that I am not the same person INSIDE as I used to be!"

That is true...but excuse me...am I in heaven yet? Have I arrived on the other side of the pearly gates? Are my feet still on the dust of this earth? As long as my feet are on this earth, there will be things I need to invite God into the midst of...to FIX, to CHANGE, to HEAL! Pointing at how far I have come is just another way of staying stuck in the past and not relishing THIS present moment! This is a journey. The destination is yet ahead. I am not there yet. :-)

On a practical note: I have been cutting my portions way back as if I were doing Thin Within for the first time--I need to refine my hunger numbers again. I am getting to know my body all over again. I am filled with optimism and...dare I say it...JOY! It is funny how I feel better physically just by eating a little less food. My jeans (not the Levis...I haven't tried them on and won't for a long while) fit better again.

It is also funny that, when I feel this way, the lure of the scale is greater. I want confirmation that I FEEL better? Confirmation that my pants are looser? Does that make sense? I have all the confirmation I need in listening to my body! If in doubt, the Holy Spirit testifies with peace, joy, and confirmation that I am in the heart of God's will.

Funny how the onlooking crowds can't see the newest changes or offer accolades, kudos and praises for these changes! These changes are WAY more significant than the 100 pounds being gone!

Again, MY heart knows the truth. My Savior is close and speaks to my soul..."My child...you are doing well."

Dependence Not Addiction Part 3

The Brothers Grimm tell a tale of a less than perfect creature, "Rumplestiltskin," who could spin straw to gold. He would take something worthless--the straw--and turn it into something of great value. I won't butcher the plot of the story by retelling it here, but while Rumplestiltskin was a creature of questionable moral character, he could nevertheless do this amazing feat.

So often, I have thought about how God, who is perfect, holy, good, compassionate, and wonderful, takes the things in my life that may be valueless...or, worse...intended for evil by the Enemy of my soul, and does His amazing transformation... spinning, as it were, my "straw" to gold.

As I have lamented and shared about my struggle to process what is going on with my body and the internal struggles I have been facing, the Heavenly Father has met me in this place. He has been revealing truth to me coupled with his incredible kindness. It is kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4).


I could never hate myself or my behavior enough to cause lasting positive change...but the Father's tender kindness woos me to that change. How precious to my heart this is.

In chapter six of Get Thin Stay Thin, the Hallidays speak of this very thing, in fact.

"The only goodness [in addictions] is that they can defeat our pride and lead us to more openness to grace." Our pride is often defeated by suffering. GTST, p. 128

I am beginning to see this whole thing as a blessing! I mean, this has definitely knocked me down a few pegs! Pride is definitely taking a hit--as it should.

It has caused me to re-evaluate everything...including something so simple as what hunger and satisfied even feels like--and to depend on God to direct me in this. I have had to be ok inside my skin a different size if that is what God's will for me is...letting go of my favorite Levis in the process if that is his will. (Yes, I believe God cares about even this! :-))

It may take a tremendous shock, an experience of hitting bottom...to dispel the illusion that our lives are perfectly managed, under control, and all together. The pain that shatters our illusion may be the measure necessary to destroy the idols of our dependencies. It may be necessary to reveal the magnitude of our silent, aching, hunger. GTST, p. 128

When I laid down my diet soda idol, I guess I felt I would "bless God" and be blessed in return. It feels, instead, like he has used this offering to shine the light on all my imperfection, inadequacies, and ugly places. (He does this for my good as painful as it may be.) The illusion has been shattered. I have continued to struggle with my pride, not wanting anyone to see that I am not as thin as I was. I have wanted to hide. That is pretty tough to do when, on Sundays, I stand up in front on the worship team! I find it so intriguing that God has coupled this season of struggle in my life with my being on the worship team for the first time in years...I know this is no accident either. In the past, when my weight went up, I voluntarily hopped off the worship team claiming I didn't want to bring "dishonor to God." Truthfully, it was pride. I didn't want anyone to notice that I was out of control...again. I refuse to give in to that temptation this time. This IS a new thing.

God is yet spinning this straw to gold and I can keep focusing on the worthlessness of the straw or wait in anticipation of the gold.

Lord, please let this shattering of illusions not be for nothing. Please let me learn what you call me to learn. Let me recognize and embrace the truth that much of my behavior over the past two years has actually served to stifle the silent hunger. I've gotten my identity from "doing Thin Within right," and releasing weight. I want to experience what you intend, Lord. It isn't about being thin...it is about so much more. I have said this for so long and now I am learning it in a fresh, deep, sometimes painful, way. Thank you for your kindness, Lord, your love, your provision in this time of need.

What we do when we reach this point of suffering will either result in more pain or unspeakable joy. GTST, p. 128-129

I vote for joy! I choose to anticipate the gold!

We can either become bitter toward life as we see it or become better when we turn to the one who can make us whole. Then suffering becomes an opportunity for grace. GTST, p. 129

The following is a song by Laura Story, called Grace. It is too incredible not to share with you. The words are included in the video, but if you can't view the video, the words may be found here.


God has been teaching me afresh that this boils down to something rather simple. Easy, NO, simple, yes. It is simply, me, his sheep, listening to him, my Shepherd and responding to his voice. He has been teaching me about myself, my body, and about grace, in a fresh, new way.

The words from the song by Laura Story resonate with me:

As I walk with You, I'm learning what Your grace really means. The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary. So, instead of trying to repay You, I'm learning to simply obey You by giving up my life to you For all that You've given to me.

Yes, He is spinning my straw to gold.

Dependence Not Addiction Part 2

I have decided that I need to get to know my body again...fresh...as if I didn't have a history with Thin Within or with my body and eating 0 to 5. So yesterday, I began the process of starting from scratch. Including with the "Bodometer" process, asking God to help me identify my hunger numbers afresh. "What does 0 feel like now?" "What does a 5 feel like now?" "What should I call this sensation, Lord? Is it a 3?" And to begin to eat less food, even if it means I eat more frequently because I get hungry more often. I have stopped listening to the voice of God speaking to me, thinking I knew what I could or couldn't eat and when based on all my experience. Enough of that! For whatever reason my body has changed and I need to invite the One Who created me to teach me about my body all over again!

Rather than be frustrated, I choose to view this as an exciting new adventure. The thing I don't get excited about, though, is that I know it means eating less food than I have been for a year...and maybe two! The fact I don't want to let go of more food to honor the One who let go of his Kingly glory in heaven and his human life on earth to save my soul really tells me a lot. It saddens me...

One thing I rediscovered, though, yesterday as I returned to this process--if I capture THIS moment, if in THIS moment I say no to the flesh and yes to His leading, no to my flesh and die to self...and throw away the food he is leading me NOT to eat (or put it back in a container in the fridge--whatever!)...if I do that in this moment (it takes only a moment to make a choice to obey his leading), then it is followed not by moments or minutes or hours of regret, but it is followed, instead, by moments, minutes and hours of joy delighting in the the fact that I obeyed his call. It is a wonderful exchange!

Continuing in chapter 6 of Get Thin Stay Thin, I read...

God allows us to see the futility of placing our hope and trust in the false idols we embrace. Then he invites us to discover the aching, unfulfilled emptiness at the core of our being and to take the first step toward God-centered healing. GTST, p. 128

Perhaps when I began this leg of the journey in November 2006 (when I began this blog), my focus wasn't God-centered healing. It was "fix my body"-focused healing. So it wasn't really healing at all. I really really needed not to keep adding to my head knowledge. I needed to have my body change. I was worried about my health...about waking up in heaven. Seriously. That is what scared me into practical change.

But since that time for whatever reason--noble or not--I have allowed getting a thin body to be an idol and to be my identity. Even before I began to gain weight, God was trying to get me to see that I was in such an arrogant place. I've been clinging to idols all through this process. He now calls me to recognize this fact and to:

LAY THEM DOWN...

I grieve this truth. I grieve that I could take something so good and still turn it into something so wrong. Like Judy mentioned in her quote from yesterday...something worthwhile has become graveclothes...the very thing that keeps me bound from experiencing the resurrection life God intends.

There is definitely an aching, unfulfilled emptiness at the core of my being.

But I see the light ahead. There IS hope.

I step toward what you want Lord. I invite you to heal me. I want to be focused on you, Lord, not my jeans, not the reflection in the mirror, not on what my friends call "looking 'hot,'"...I want YOUR wholeness, YOUR holiness. But, Lord, I DO want to be thin again. I want a body that is fit. I want to be energetic. But I want all of this in a way that you direct with YOU as my focus, depending on YOU to heal me through and through. I want these changes to come forth from inside of me...from within. Genuine...from the inside out.

Dependence Not Addiction Part 1

In speaking with a dear friend last week, I realized afresh that allowing what we *do* to define our value and worth--our identity--isn't just unique to me, or to "at home" moms. So often, the very hats we wear through life define us. When something changes and that hat is no longer "wearable," we may not know who we are any longer.

For some of us, it may happen when the kids are all grown up and gone and we suddenly have an "empty nest." It isn't the "nest" being empty that bothers us so much, perhaps. It is that we wonder who we are now that they are gone. Or when the economy has caused lay-offs and we no longer have the same routine, the same job, the same function, the same income,...we wonder similarly..."Who am I now?"

I wonder how much of my identity and self-worth have been wrapped up in my "work" and/or my being "successful" at Thin Within. At being thin. I think way too much. (No kidding!)

Working for Judy and Arthur Halliday in 2001 and 2002 and again a few other times since then, as well as being officially an employee of the Thin Within company right now...well, I think I allow myself to feel that I have to get this...and not only get this, but stay getting it. Perfectly. I have to appear like I have it all together, all the time.

That is a lot of pressure to put on myself. Obviously, that isn't what God has in mind!

But it stands to reason that right now, when I daily come face to face with my failure to keep a hold on this...that I would feel beside myself. My pride is taking hit upon hit. But worse, my identity is shattering. An identity that shouldn't be based on this at all...but is.

This morning, as I read in chapter 6 of Get Thin Stay Thin, I felt as if the timing couldn't have been more precise...it was perfect.

I know Judy Halliday's testimony well, but for some reason, it jumped off the page at me today. On page 127 (and following) she shares about the "failure" of the Thin Within company in the 1980s when the company went bankrupt. (For the record, Thin Within is now doing fine and may be visited online at http://www.thinwithin.org.)

Judy shared her response to the financial crisis in 1982:

Without Thin Within who would I be? What would I do? My sense of identity and self-worth were wrapped up in my work. Something that I considered so worthwhile had, in fact, become my graveclothes. GTST, p. 127

This is precisely how I feel. I feel like I was (am?) getting my identity from getting and staying thin. I even received national recognition (two well-circulating magazines did blurbs featuring yours truly...). Now that I have gained some weight back, I wonder who I am. If my identity was defined by my size before, is it now, too? So what does that make me? (The answers aren't too flattering, as I am sure you can imagine.)

I must continue to work to shake this sense that I am defined by my size. I don't want to haul this perception with me wherever I go. For years, I have allowed my size to define me--including before the "success," so I know that this is a big struggle I face. I didn't realize I was doing the same thing once I was thin...allowing outward appearance to define me. Yikes!

If we are honest we eventually reach a point in our lives where we must admit we've lost control. GTST, p. 128

Ok...this has to be it. This has to be the truth that I am supposed to see:

I have lost control.

Even for the year that I stayed at my "natural God-given size" or close to it, I had this feeling that it was by the skin of my teeth. I had a death grip on it...I clung to it. I got on the scale a lot and got very worried when it nudged a tad upward. I was definitely not walking in freedom no matter how I looked on the outside. I knew it. I knew that I was clinging tightly to what the Hallidays call further on in GTST a "false self." When I wanted something sweet to eat, I had a diet soda. (Thus, the drinking of them ALL the time.) I never dealt with the heart issue. I was ensnared. My taste buds were one god and another was thinness. I couldn't stand giving up one to potentially sacrifice the other...

So, yes, it is time for me to admit I have lost control. I don't have a handle on this any more--if I ever really did.

My body is reacting differently to things. Maybe it's being more honest now that it isn't being pumped full of caffeine constantly. Eating indiscretions I got away with before, I can't any more. Lustful cravings indulged, now are evident on the outside. God is showing me what is really here.

Also, now that I am not numbing out with food *or* diet soda, I am feeling things powerfully. Which explains how I got broadsided out of nowhere about the dad thing.

In 2 Corinthians 12:9, God says to the Apostle Paul:

"My grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Paul's response is:

"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
so that Christ's power may rest on me.

So here I am...ok, Lord. I am totally 100% weak. Totally in need of you. Depending on you. You have brought me to the end of myself and I am powerless to do anything to solve the need of my heart. I am weak, Lord...I need your power. I need your redemption. I need you.