It is so amazing how God is at work. His timing for this chapter couldn't have been more perfect.
How can we know that we have forgiveness work to do even if we think "I am good. All is up to date"?
This was the state I was in this past weekend, feeling like I was finally progressing along with some sense of normalcy.
Yet if I were to look at my eating, I would have had to conclude, something still wasn't right. I see now that I was numbing myself to something and ignoring that...I didn't want to feel what was there and it was working pretty well. I am not talking about binges of any kind...just that "I will eat what I want (within reason, which sort of justifies the sense that it isn't so bad...:-/) when I want"...well, when that behavior is going on in my life, I know enough about myself that it is a red flag flying high! PAY ATTENTION!
God had to use other means to get my attention and so I share out of this so maybe you may discover the same.
If you continue to turn to food even though your best intentions are to do otherwise, then you can be pretty sure that you are anesthetizing yourself to something. There is usually a reason. You are NOT a rotten, no good sinner who just doesn't love God enough (like some of us have believed...oh! THIS IS A LIE FROM SATAN!!!).
If you have an EXTREME reaction to something someone says or does...something that, when you take a step back, sure doesn't seem as bad as all of that, but there is a truckload of intensity behind how you feel...well, that is another good indicator that there is a root issue that God wants to take His scalpel to via an approach like that in the Thin Within book, chapter 20.
He used a couple of two by fours to point this out to me.
A very close friend said some things to me in an email on Monday and I had a HUGE reaction. I have learned that when I have an almost instinctive sense that I want to run, that I have to stop instead, wait on the Lord and look at what is going on. I need to pick apart what is really going on and ask Him "What is THIS about?" I have to look at if my extreme reaction is really about THIS situation or if it is about another, unresolved situation that this is just building on.
I began to do that.
I felt like my dear friend was trying to control me, like she was throwing mistakes I had made back into my face, like I am not "good enough" (a constant failure), and like she took things I have said as proclaiming judgments about her as a person...something I never intended, but when someone responds to me like that, I feel like I can't say anything else. It makes it impossible for positive interaction to take place and conflict resolution, it seems. I feel like I am immobilized, so why bother trying? (It is another way I feel controlled and I get quite angry feeling that way. OUCH!)
Then I realized that I have felt this intensely with only a few other people ever in my life...but at the top of that list is my mother.
Interesting, given I saw my mom on Saturday for the first time in a long while and spent a lot of time afterwards on the phone with my older sister processing so many things about our mom and her character or treatment of us. All of the things I listed previously, I feel toward my mother. Honestly, as a result of feeling that way with my mom, I don't even want to see her these days, justifying my distance in a number of "rational" and "unemotional" ways that keep me from seeing that, at the heart of it is a lack of forgiveness and my desire to "punish" her or something. I have called it, instead, a godly boundary...and certainly, there is a place where a godly boundary should exist, but the lines, for me, had been crossed into something else...
But when I look at it closely, it is clearly unresolved stuff...stuff that I need to forgive my mother for.
Last night it was obvious that, even though I am working through all of this as I go through the material in this chapter on forgiveness, that it is still fresh and triggers are still right there out in the open. My poor daughter asked me the same thing a couple of times yesterday and I just exploded! I felt controlled by her, like she feels that I am not good enough for her as a mom, I felt...well, as you can see, she triggered all of these similar feelings...and it wasn't her fault!
I have triggers laying around everywhere and I hadn't realized it. God has used all of this to show me that I have a GREAT deal of SERIOUS unresolved issues in my life--especially relative to my mom. Yesterday, I spent a great deal of time working through a lot of the things I feel about my mom and others in my life in these ways...and I know it will be ongoing work. In fact, I think I have to even look deeper and ask God to show me why I have this reaction to being controlled so much...is it a pride issue? Or is it something else? Perhaps he will show me something else that will enable me to break free from that. It is odd, the very thing that I chafe about--being controlled--is what happens when I react this way. I am being controlled by my hatred of being controlled! YIKES!
If you feel like you explode over the slightest things or are reduced to a pool of tears over the slightest infraction you may want to evaluate what your trigger is and why it is there. I believe that God has used these situations to show me clearly that I need to deal with these things with my Mom.
Another indicator that there is something to deal with is if you know you avoid certain things, topics, or people. That is usually a sure sign that you have a forgiveness issue that God wants you to process. In doing so, you will experience freedom!
Obviously, my friend and I and my daughter and I have had to talk...I over-reacted to the things they said and I needed to ask their forgiveness, certainly. Both of them have admitted their own struggle to grow in releasing control to God...they are people in process, as am I.
If you have a feeling you want to run for the hills when something minor happens...or even something major...that, too, can be an indicator that there is something beneath the surface that you have to take to God for His scrutiny, His cleansing...and to choose to forgive.
All of this can affect my eating. It can be really subtle. Just nibbling on things here and there throughout the day or a bit more than I need at a meal or eating when I am not at a 0...or drinking more diet soda on a day than usual ("I deserve this special treat" mentality is a dead giveaway...).
Forgiveness can really take care of this SO effectively. And the other thing that can make a HUGE difference is choosing to practice gratitude. Gratitude makes a huge difference as well.
When I truly have nothing left unresolved, when I have done all the forgiveness work that God has called me to, when I have been intentional about praising Him for his attributes and the way He interacts with me, when I have practiced gratitude, I can honestly say that I don't find sin as appealing...or even things that I may not call blatant sin, but that I know are not best.
When all is dealt with, I can live authentically in this present moment, alive to God and what HE wants. It is painful, but so worth it.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Chapter 20 - Prelude!
Wow...no matter how often I go through this material, God always brings it home in a new way.
I spent a lot of time going through chapter 20 and the things God revealed to me are HUGE. I want to, again, encourage all of us to take as long as it takes to prayerfully wade through what is there.
God is faithful and he will show us blessings for being willing to do so! I know it! I have experienced it!
My prayers are with each of you as you specifically, completely go through the wounds you have in your life, now and in the past, and choose very intentionally to release each offender to God by forgiveness.
I hope you will post here how God uses this experience!
More tomorrow!
I spent a lot of time going through chapter 20 and the things God revealed to me are HUGE. I want to, again, encourage all of us to take as long as it takes to prayerfully wade through what is there.
God is faithful and he will show us blessings for being willing to do so! I know it! I have experienced it!
My prayers are with each of you as you specifically, completely go through the wounds you have in your life, now and in the past, and choose very intentionally to release each offender to God by forgiveness.
I hope you will post here how God uses this experience!
More tomorrow!
Monday, July 27, 2009
Assignment for Week July 27 - August 2
If you are continuing with us through the Thin Within book by Judy and Arthur Halliday, this week we will only focus on two chapters because the material is so dense.
Please read chapters 20 and 21 this week and complete all the exercises in these chapters.
Give yourself plenty of time--especially for chapter 20. It is vital material.
Again, I can't overstress the value of forgiveness in overcoming tendencies to overeat. Please prayerfully immerse yourself in time with the Lord, His Word, and this material this week. If you aren't at chapter 20 yet, no worries. Please feel free to go the pace that GOD leads. You can still respond on the blog if you like or keep your own blog to record your observations.
Additionally, you may want to consider these things:
1. Is there a Thin Within tool (such as the observation and correction chart, flesh machinery log, food log, or hunger graph) that you can incorporate into your life this week for added accountability?
2. If you have never considered it before, you may want to consider an accountability partner. This blog entry mentions how to consider selecting an accountability partner. An AP can pray for you, help you to keep focused on what is important and be valuable for all sorts of things--not just your Thin Within journey. Please prayerfully consider it!
3. Please keep on generating a list of God's attributes and his behavior toward you, His child.
4. Take time to practice gratitude statements to the Lord.
5. Praise God for some of the attributes on your list of God's attributes.
Let's hunker down and refocus. We still have about a month left to complete the book. This is plenty of time for us to accomplish the godly goals that he set for us. When the book was written it was intended that it be a 30 day book! Can you imagine? :-) That would mean we would have had only 10 days left. But the pace we are going affords us about 30 more days! We have as much time for the rest of the material as was intended for the entire book! So, we can DO this! :-)
I am praying for you today!
Please read chapters 20 and 21 this week and complete all the exercises in these chapters.
Give yourself plenty of time--especially for chapter 20. It is vital material.
Again, I can't overstress the value of forgiveness in overcoming tendencies to overeat. Please prayerfully immerse yourself in time with the Lord, His Word, and this material this week. If you aren't at chapter 20 yet, no worries. Please feel free to go the pace that GOD leads. You can still respond on the blog if you like or keep your own blog to record your observations.
Additionally, you may want to consider these things:
1. Is there a Thin Within tool (such as the observation and correction chart, flesh machinery log, food log, or hunger graph) that you can incorporate into your life this week for added accountability?
2. If you have never considered it before, you may want to consider an accountability partner. This blog entry mentions how to consider selecting an accountability partner. An AP can pray for you, help you to keep focused on what is important and be valuable for all sorts of things--not just your Thin Within journey. Please prayerfully consider it!
3. Please keep on generating a list of God's attributes and his behavior toward you, His child.
4. Take time to practice gratitude statements to the Lord.
5. Praise God for some of the attributes on your list of God's attributes.
Let's hunker down and refocus. We still have about a month left to complete the book. This is plenty of time for us to accomplish the godly goals that he set for us. When the book was written it was intended that it be a 30 day book! Can you imagine? :-) That would mean we would have had only 10 days left. But the pace we are going affords us about 30 more days! We have as much time for the rest of the material as was intended for the entire book! So, we can DO this! :-)
I am praying for you today!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Chapter 19 - The Prison Gates Flung Wide Open
Forgiveness has transformed my life...not merely the amazing gift of forgiveness that God has extended to me through the cross because of Christ's sacrifice on behalf of my sins, but in the ongoing provision and power that I have experienced.
I will share more about some of this when we study chapter 20 in the Thin Within book by Arthur and Judy Halliday this week, but today, I focus a bit more on the principles at the heart of chapter 19.
My 17 year old son, Daniel, has an extremely tender conscience. He frequently asks others for forgiveness (a good thing, certainly)...to a point where I have felt the need to caution him to really evaluate if it is the accusing voice of the Enemy that insists he needs to do this or the comforting, yet convicting voice of the Holy Spirit. (Some of what he asks forgiveness for is hard to really grasp, as it seems so trivial outwardly.)
The last time we discussed this, he confessed that he has a hard time believing that God forgives him for the many things he has done wrong and continues to do wrong.
I realized that this is so often the case for me--for us as humans.
I think we tend to believe we can "out sin" the grace of God! But the fact is, the forgiveness that God extends to me, to you, to my precious son, is boundless. It is endless and His Word speaks to this. Many of us know 1 John 1:9, but let's have a closer look at it today:
I apologize if my redundancy is tiresome, but let me explain why this is so important to being healed of eating disorders, whether overeating, bulimia, anorexia, an unhealthy body image, and all of the many things that plagues so many of us.
If we don't believe that God forgives us in Christ, we tend to take our insistence that we haven't "made the mark" as a badge of shame. Shame perpetuates the cycle of addiction and sin. Truly, there is NO way to escape when we are entrenched in shame.
If forgiveness is what opens wide the prison doors, then shame is what those prison doors are made of.
Embracing--believing--that God has forgiven me RIGHT NOW, no matter how many times I have repeated the same offense, blows the door off the prison cell. In fact, I would be willing to guess (from my own experience with myself and others) that if we struggle with the same sin again and again, no matter what it is, it could be that, at the heart, is a belief that even when we have confessed before, we aren't really forgiven.
If not that, then it is a refusal to forgive ourselves.
Who do we really feel we are? Rotten, no good sinners? Or saints, saved by God's amazing grace who struggle with our flesh to surrender to God and not to sin? What we believe about ourselves will most assuredly affect how we behave.
When we fail to forgive ourselves, we are claiming that Christ's torture, death and resurrection were not sufficient. We claim to have a higher standard than God! This is a lie and slams God's character! He says in 1 John 1:9 that He is faithful to forgive us and to cleanse us of all unrighteousness!
Let us choose NOT to embrace shame, but let us confess our sins...ask God to show them all to us and go through them one by one and then confess just as strongly:
I will share more about some of this when we study chapter 20 in the Thin Within book by Arthur and Judy Halliday this week, but today, I focus a bit more on the principles at the heart of chapter 19.
My 17 year old son, Daniel, has an extremely tender conscience. He frequently asks others for forgiveness (a good thing, certainly)...to a point where I have felt the need to caution him to really evaluate if it is the accusing voice of the Enemy that insists he needs to do this or the comforting, yet convicting voice of the Holy Spirit. (Some of what he asks forgiveness for is hard to really grasp, as it seems so trivial outwardly.)
The last time we discussed this, he confessed that he has a hard time believing that God forgives him for the many things he has done wrong and continues to do wrong.
I realized that this is so often the case for me--for us as humans.
I think we tend to believe we can "out sin" the grace of God! But the fact is, the forgiveness that God extends to me, to you, to my precious son, is boundless. It is endless and His Word speaks to this. Many of us know 1 John 1:9, but let's have a closer look at it today:
If we confess our sins,
he is faithful and just
and will forgive us our sins
and purify us
from all unrighteousness.
I ask again: Do you believe Him? Do I?he is faithful and just
and will forgive us our sins
and purify us
from all unrighteousness.
Do we believe the Lord? Do we believe what He says in 1 John 1:9? Or do we just quote it without thinking about what it says? HIS FAITHFULNESS requires, HIS JUSTICE requires that he forgive!
But let's not stop there...HIS FAITHFULNESS and HIS JUSTICE require that when we do confess, He purifies us from all unrighteousness.
This isn't about me convincing him that I deserve to be forgiven! This isn't about me proving that I am sorry. This is about HIS CHARACTER. The character of God, Who He Is requires some things...payment for sin is one of them because He is Holy, but in light of that perfect, complete payment for our sins (in Jesus) which the Father has provided and deemed sufficient, when we DO confess He has promised to forgive and purify us from ALL unrighteousness.
If you confess, you then stand before him PERFECTLY RIGHTEOUS, cleansed.
Do you believe Him? Do I?
But let's not stop there...HIS FAITHFULNESS and HIS JUSTICE require that when we do confess, He purifies us from all unrighteousness.
This isn't about me convincing him that I deserve to be forgiven! This isn't about me proving that I am sorry. This is about HIS CHARACTER. The character of God, Who He Is requires some things...payment for sin is one of them because He is Holy, but in light of that perfect, complete payment for our sins (in Jesus) which the Father has provided and deemed sufficient, when we DO confess He has promised to forgive and purify us from ALL unrighteousness.
If you confess, you then stand before him PERFECTLY RIGHTEOUS, cleansed.
Do you believe Him? Do I?
God made him who had no sin to be sin for us,
so that in him we might become
the righteousness of God.
- 2 Corinthians 5:21
so that in him we might become
the righteousness of God.
- 2 Corinthians 5:21
I apologize if my redundancy is tiresome, but let me explain why this is so important to being healed of eating disorders, whether overeating, bulimia, anorexia, an unhealthy body image, and all of the many things that plagues so many of us.
If we don't believe that God forgives us in Christ, we tend to take our insistence that we haven't "made the mark" as a badge of shame. Shame perpetuates the cycle of addiction and sin. Truly, there is NO way to escape when we are entrenched in shame.
If forgiveness is what opens wide the prison doors, then shame is what those prison doors are made of.Embracing--believing--that God has forgiven me RIGHT NOW, no matter how many times I have repeated the same offense, blows the door off the prison cell. In fact, I would be willing to guess (from my own experience with myself and others) that if we struggle with the same sin again and again, no matter what it is, it could be that, at the heart, is a belief that even when we have confessed before, we aren't really forgiven.
If not that, then it is a refusal to forgive ourselves.
Who do we really feel we are? Rotten, no good sinners? Or saints, saved by God's amazing grace who struggle with our flesh to surrender to God and not to sin? What we believe about ourselves will most assuredly affect how we behave.
When we fail to forgive ourselves, we are claiming that Christ's torture, death and resurrection were not sufficient. We claim to have a higher standard than God! This is a lie and slams God's character! He says in 1 John 1:9 that He is faithful to forgive us and to cleanse us of all unrighteousness!
Let us choose NOT to embrace shame, but let us confess our sins...ask God to show them all to us and go through them one by one and then confess just as strongly:
"Thank you God that
you see me as holy and righteous in your sight.
You have forgiven me.
I stand as one cleansed of
ALL unrighteousness right now."
you see me as holy and righteous in your sight.
You have forgiven me.
I stand as one cleansed of
ALL unrighteousness right now."
This is the way we will STOP seeing ourselves as "rebellious gluttons." When we continue to view ourselves as "rebellious gluttons" (or any other self-debasing label) we tend to live like that is what we are. When we believe God that we stand before Him as righteous children, we tend to live like that is what we are. The TRUTH is that we ARE righteous children in his sight if we have embraced the cross of Christ on our behalf. (If we haven't done that, then please do so! God wants a relationship with you personally...and he provides this through Jesus!)
If you haven't yet worked through the material in chapter 19, please don't skip it. Sequester yourself away where you won't be interrupted and beg God to help you believe Him--that He forgives you and cleanses you of ALL unrighteousness. Then ask Him to help you to forgive yourself very specifically for anything that you think you may yet be resenting yourself for.
This is vital.
And please don't assume this is a once for all process. We need to practice this daily...when I have a moment where I have given in to indiscretion, given way to my flesh, I quickly (without letting any time go by) confess again...both my sin and my praise and knowledge that as I confess, God forgives me and cleanses me.
This is the way we are to walk...applying His grace in the present moment...the power, pardon and provision for all that we need to believe that we have been redeemed and we are being sanctified!
If you haven't yet worked through the material in chapter 19, please don't skip it. Sequester yourself away where you won't be interrupted and beg God to help you believe Him--that He forgives you and cleanses you of ALL unrighteousness. Then ask Him to help you to forgive yourself very specifically for anything that you think you may yet be resenting yourself for.
This is vital.
And please don't assume this is a once for all process. We need to practice this daily...when I have a moment where I have given in to indiscretion, given way to my flesh, I quickly (without letting any time go by) confess again...both my sin and my praise and knowledge that as I confess, God forgives me and cleanses me.
This is the way we are to walk...applying His grace in the present moment...the power, pardon and provision for all that we need to believe that we have been redeemed and we are being sanctified!
Friday, July 24, 2009
Chapter 19 - Forgiveness is Deep and Changes Us
I want to give all who visit this blog and who are reading the Thin Within book by Arthur and Judy Halliday time to soak in chapter 19 if you are studying with us. Truly, forgiveness has been the hub of my journey--the driving force around which my life has been turning and being transformed. I don't want to gloss over the significance of this for others--for you. It is deep and penetrating.
So, if you are anything like me, I believe forgiveness is at the root of what can transform you, too.
I believe that many of us are caught in cycles of sin-repent-sin-repent because of shame. We think we will never change. We believe that our capacity to sin is, in effect, more powerful than God's capacity to change us. We then lose hope. Without hope, we remain stuck! Somehow, we have to get out of that place so that we believe God. He says he is transforming us. My choices don't somehow tie God's hands. He is in the business of transforming lives. So confessing my sin to God, receiving His forgiveness, confessing that I know He forgives me and then forgiving myself is vital. I couldn't overstate this. PLEASE don't blow this off!
Yes, he wants my cooperation. But he can work even a willingness into me. So, rather than speaking about this chapter right now in detail, I just want to tell you...if you really want to have this time be different for you, if you want to break free forever from the junk that keeps you binging, purging, overeating, compromising, hating yourself...(if you can relate to this at all), you have to have to have to (please!!!) work through chapter 19, pray through it, journal through it, whatever it takes to honestly do it. Forgiveness is vital to your next steps forward. I really believe it.
So, what do you believe? Which is more powerful: your sin? Or God's ability to overcome your sin?
Please take time to prayerfully ask God to show you if you are willing to allow Jesus' sacrifice on the cross be sufficient for you so that you might forgive yourself. Let the shame go. Whether it is the shame from one of the "Significant Times" experiences in chapter 16 or shame from 10 minutes ago (yelling at your kids, resenting a lady at church, or plowing through a bag of Oreos)...God IS doing a new thing in you right now. You have never been where you are right this moment. Take this moment captive for him (remember the marble jar!) and let Him wash you with the grace of His forgiveness. Believe Him. Let the shame go...as far as the east is from the west...
So, if you are anything like me, I believe forgiveness is at the root of what can transform you, too.
I believe that many of us are caught in cycles of sin-repent-sin-repent because of shame. We think we will never change. We believe that our capacity to sin is, in effect, more powerful than God's capacity to change us. We then lose hope. Without hope, we remain stuck! Somehow, we have to get out of that place so that we believe God. He says he is transforming us. My choices don't somehow tie God's hands. He is in the business of transforming lives. So confessing my sin to God, receiving His forgiveness, confessing that I know He forgives me and then forgiving myself is vital. I couldn't overstate this. PLEASE don't blow this off!
Yes, he wants my cooperation. But he can work even a willingness into me. So, rather than speaking about this chapter right now in detail, I just want to tell you...if you really want to have this time be different for you, if you want to break free forever from the junk that keeps you binging, purging, overeating, compromising, hating yourself...(if you can relate to this at all), you have to have to have to (please!!!) work through chapter 19, pray through it, journal through it, whatever it takes to honestly do it. Forgiveness is vital to your next steps forward. I really believe it.
So, what do you believe? Which is more powerful: your sin? Or God's ability to overcome your sin?
Please take time to prayerfully ask God to show you if you are willing to allow Jesus' sacrifice on the cross be sufficient for you so that you might forgive yourself. Let the shame go. Whether it is the shame from one of the "Significant Times" experiences in chapter 16 or shame from 10 minutes ago (yelling at your kids, resenting a lady at church, or plowing through a bag of Oreos)...God IS doing a new thing in you right now. You have never been where you are right this moment. Take this moment captive for him (remember the marble jar!) and let Him wash you with the grace of His forgiveness. Believe Him. Let the shame go...as far as the east is from the west...
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
The FUN Part of Boundaries!
In chapter 18, we are offered a challenge to begin to prayerfully exercise discernment. This can actually be a lot of fun! While we are free to enjoy any food we want when we are hungry, sometimes our bodies respond best to some foods than they do to others. This little video demonstrates (well, sort of) what I have found about my body over the years:
Obviously, godly boundaries are much more involved than merely what foods fit into "Pleaser," "Teaser," "Whole Body Pleaser," and "Total Reject" categories. But this is a great application of this principle.
In reading this chapter again, I became aware of how I have been settling for a lot of Teasers lately!
How about you? :-)
Heading off to add some things to my gratitude journal now. :-)
Obviously, godly boundaries are much more involved than merely what foods fit into "Pleaser," "Teaser," "Whole Body Pleaser," and "Total Reject" categories. But this is a great application of this principle.
In reading this chapter again, I became aware of how I have been settling for a lot of Teasers lately!
How about you? :-)
Heading off to add some things to my gratitude journal now. :-)
Monday, July 20, 2009
New Assignment for July 20 - 26
Hi, everyone.
Here is the assignment for this week:
1.) Recommit to finishing the summer with us--even if you feel you haven't made ANY progress!
2.) Do the perfect meal exercise from day 15.
3.) Spend some time practicing gratitude! Even better if you start a gratitude blog!
4.) Continue to add to your list of attributes of God.
5.) Take time each day (5 minutes?) to praise Him for His attributes and the things you are filled with gratitude for.
6.) This week, how about waiting until you are at a 0 each time you eat? Ok, a week seems like a long time. How about today...or your next meal. Can you wait for 0 for your next meal? :-)
7.) If you feel so led, try using the hunger graph as presented in chapter 17 of the book--or try using one of the other tools and let us know how it works. Again, ask God first. He may lead you NOT to use the tools. That is great. But some of us he DOES lead us to use the tools for a season here or there. Let us know what you experience.
8.) Chapters 18 and 19 are worthy of a slow go through. So this week, we will work prayerfully through chapter 18 and chapter 19. I anticipate you may have some questions or comments. Please please feel free to use the blog here for discussion. I feel like we have lost our momentum. Let's tell Satan what to do with the spirit of discouragement and apathy that he may be trying to spread. Let's trade our sorrow for the joy of the Lord and our spirit of despair for a garment of praise! Let's choose joy! :-)
Are you still with me? (Or, with me again? :-))
I would love to see a roll call! Let us know you are with us!
Here is the assignment for this week:
1.) Recommit to finishing the summer with us--even if you feel you haven't made ANY progress!
2.) Do the perfect meal exercise from day 15.
3.) Spend some time practicing gratitude! Even better if you start a gratitude blog!
4.) Continue to add to your list of attributes of God.
5.) Take time each day (5 minutes?) to praise Him for His attributes and the things you are filled with gratitude for.
6.) This week, how about waiting until you are at a 0 each time you eat? Ok, a week seems like a long time. How about today...or your next meal. Can you wait for 0 for your next meal? :-)
7.) If you feel so led, try using the hunger graph as presented in chapter 17 of the book--or try using one of the other tools and let us know how it works. Again, ask God first. He may lead you NOT to use the tools. That is great. But some of us he DOES lead us to use the tools for a season here or there. Let us know what you experience.
8.) Chapters 18 and 19 are worthy of a slow go through. So this week, we will work prayerfully through chapter 18 and chapter 19. I anticipate you may have some questions or comments. Please please feel free to use the blog here for discussion. I feel like we have lost our momentum. Let's tell Satan what to do with the spirit of discouragement and apathy that he may be trying to spread. Let's trade our sorrow for the joy of the Lord and our spirit of despair for a garment of praise! Let's choose joy! :-)
Are you still with me? (Or, with me again? :-))
I would love to see a roll call! Let us know you are with us!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Chapter 17 - Gratitude, The Path To Joy
I woke up this morning...first thing on my mind was the fact that today is our pastor's last Sunday. God has called him to leave.
As sadness and regret began to well up within me, I found God challenging me immediately to choose joy. To me, this means, praising and thanking God for His blessings and His character. I wrote about that here this morning.
When I showed up for worship team practice at 8:30 this morning and Pastor Tony(the pastor of worship and youth ministries) asked me how I was doing, I smiled genuinely and said "I am choosing joy!" He asked me to explain...Rationally, I figure if the scriptures say "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say rejoice!" (Philippians 4:4), or "Count it all joy when you encounter various trials" (James 1:2), or "Be joyful always" (1 Thessalonians 5:16), then I must have some sway over my own ability to be joyful. If that is the case, then HOW do I choose joy?
I believe gratitude is the path to joy. Setting aside my choice to grumble or complain...and choosing instead to praise him and thank him...well, it does something to my soul. Deep inside something changes.
For over a year, I have kept a gratitude blog. Well, that isn't accurate. I haven't "kept" it up to date at all! I can't help but wonder if this doesn't reflect a heart that hasn't been practicing gratitude. If I haven't been practicing gratitude, I dare say, I have likely been practicing something else...like griping and complaining...or elevating MY will, MY desires, MY problems above everything else. I really wonder what I have been magnifying! Whatever I magnify is what will fill my vision. If I magnify God, HE fills my vision. If I magnify something else...well, that is what will fill my vision and seem SO huge.
Today, this has been proven. I have been filled with joy as I have practiced gratitude. My husband may have left to go out of town, my pastor may be leaving, my presentation of special music at church less than what I had hoped it would be vocally :-), but I have joy. I praise him! I give thanks for a voice that can sing at all, for a job for my husband that provides for us, for Pastor Mike having 11 years at Cool Community Church!
In the past, I have found that when I practice forgiveness and gratitude, so much of what drives me to ungodly choices--including eating outside of 0 and 5--disappears.
I think these are the basics I need to return to. Again. :-) Truly, gratitude is the path to joy. When I am joyful in the Lord, I don't look to other things to make me happy. It really works.
As sadness and regret began to well up within me, I found God challenging me immediately to choose joy. To me, this means, praising and thanking God for His blessings and His character. I wrote about that here this morning.
When I showed up for worship team practice at 8:30 this morning and Pastor Tony(the pastor of worship and youth ministries) asked me how I was doing, I smiled genuinely and said "I am choosing joy!" He asked me to explain...Rationally, I figure if the scriptures say "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say rejoice!" (Philippians 4:4), or "Count it all joy when you encounter various trials" (James 1:2), or "Be joyful always" (1 Thessalonians 5:16), then I must have some sway over my own ability to be joyful. If that is the case, then HOW do I choose joy?
I believe gratitude is the path to joy. Setting aside my choice to grumble or complain...and choosing instead to praise him and thank him...well, it does something to my soul. Deep inside something changes.
For over a year, I have kept a gratitude blog. Well, that isn't accurate. I haven't "kept" it up to date at all! I can't help but wonder if this doesn't reflect a heart that hasn't been practicing gratitude. If I haven't been practicing gratitude, I dare say, I have likely been practicing something else...like griping and complaining...or elevating MY will, MY desires, MY problems above everything else. I really wonder what I have been magnifying! Whatever I magnify is what will fill my vision. If I magnify God, HE fills my vision. If I magnify something else...well, that is what will fill my vision and seem SO huge.
Today, this has been proven. I have been filled with joy as I have practiced gratitude. My husband may have left to go out of town, my pastor may be leaving, my presentation of special music at church less than what I had hoped it would be vocally :-), but I have joy. I praise him! I give thanks for a voice that can sing at all, for a job for my husband that provides for us, for Pastor Mike having 11 years at Cool Community Church!
In the past, I have found that when I practice forgiveness and gratitude, so much of what drives me to ungodly choices--including eating outside of 0 and 5--disappears.
I think these are the basics I need to return to. Again. :-) Truly, gratitude is the path to joy. When I am joyful in the Lord, I don't look to other things to make me happy. It really works.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Chapter 16 - Reality Check
Day 16 in the Thin Within book by Arthur and Judy Halliday provides opportunity to review the godly goals that were set on Day 3. As I look at how diligently I am pursuing these godly goals--the goals that I am convinced that God led me to establish at the beginning of our study--I am convicted that I am not giving the Lord my best. Not even my second best.
I am tempted to beat myself up over this. But the book reminds me that I can just observe and correct. Adjust things. Make changes:
No self-condemnation or wagging of fingers. No demerits. You can experience forgiveness, freedom, correction, and grace every step of the way. Thin Within, page 161
So here is where I want to call us on our tendency. If you are anything like me, if you are half way through a book or a program and haven't even begun to realize your goals, it is a HUGE temptation to just scrap the entire thing--to quit, to bail.
"Forget it! I am failing, so why bother trying? I could never accomplish my goals by the end of the book/program/whatever now!"
"This is a waste to keep going!"
Is this godly thinking, though?
No. God IS at work. He IS completing that which He has begun. Physical results aside, he is tilling the soil of our hearts, planting new teaching, reminding us of things that we have known before and so on.
To quit because we haven't started to make physical progress is to cave in to a dieting mentality.
Let's remember that God isn't about our body...he is about something deeper that, when surrendered, will translate into changes in our physical bodies. But for now, perseverance at this important time WILL make a difference! It is part of that marble jar again. The jar fills up with each moment that we return to Him with an "I blew it tonight, Lord, but I offer myself to you afresh. Please take me...make me yours..." He receives that with applause and marbles tossed with joy into the jar!
Remember that His grace was never intended to be merely a pardon for past, present, and future sins. His grace is also a provision for your daily, moment-by-moment needs. Invite Him to infuse your life, enabling you to have insight, wisdom, discernment, and power to live according to His best for you. Thin Within, page 162
The Significant Times Exercise on pages 164-166 may seem extreme. I urge you to prayerfully go through this if you haven't already. Even though I have done this exercise so many times, God was faithful to give me a new insight, even today. Every one of my four most significant times memories had a direct affect on my body or how I viewed my body at the time. I do believe that these moments in history were where I learned to cope with things inappropriately and resorted to eating for one reason or another.
This certainly encourages me that I am not nuts! There are reasons that I struggle as I do. I don't use this as an excuse for sin, but as a way of understanding myself and all that I must take to the Lord as I pray through my struggles to give God my eating.
Like Amanda, we too can take hold of God's hand and experience His grace and healing. He will turn even painful things to purposeful things--in fact He is glorified in doing so. Pray that God will help you to see your part as he sees it--as redeemable. It is so comforting to know that God does not waste anything in our lives. He uses everything to shape and mold us into His likeness. Thin Within, page 168
God is going to show us His redemption of all the years the locusts have eaten. Rather than give up or throwing in the towel, let's fix our eyes on Him again and look to Him for HIS solution, His will, His way.
If you haven't been generating your list of God's attributes and taking time to praise Him for His character, today is a great day to begin that practice again. I know I need to.
If you haven't yet done the "Perfect Meal" exercise in chapter 15, try to fit that into your life today, too! Tell us about it here!
I am tempted to beat myself up over this. But the book reminds me that I can just observe and correct. Adjust things. Make changes:
No self-condemnation or wagging of fingers. No demerits. You can experience forgiveness, freedom, correction, and grace every step of the way. Thin Within, page 161
So here is where I want to call us on our tendency. If you are anything like me, if you are half way through a book or a program and haven't even begun to realize your goals, it is a HUGE temptation to just scrap the entire thing--to quit, to bail.
"Forget it! I am failing, so why bother trying? I could never accomplish my goals by the end of the book/program/whatever now!"
"This is a waste to keep going!"
Is this godly thinking, though?
No. God IS at work. He IS completing that which He has begun. Physical results aside, he is tilling the soil of our hearts, planting new teaching, reminding us of things that we have known before and so on.
To quit because we haven't started to make physical progress is to cave in to a dieting mentality.
Let's remember that God isn't about our body...he is about something deeper that, when surrendered, will translate into changes in our physical bodies. But for now, perseverance at this important time WILL make a difference! It is part of that marble jar again. The jar fills up with each moment that we return to Him with an "I blew it tonight, Lord, but I offer myself to you afresh. Please take me...make me yours..." He receives that with applause and marbles tossed with joy into the jar!
Remember that His grace was never intended to be merely a pardon for past, present, and future sins. His grace is also a provision for your daily, moment-by-moment needs. Invite Him to infuse your life, enabling you to have insight, wisdom, discernment, and power to live according to His best for you. Thin Within, page 162
The Significant Times Exercise on pages 164-166 may seem extreme. I urge you to prayerfully go through this if you haven't already. Even though I have done this exercise so many times, God was faithful to give me a new insight, even today. Every one of my four most significant times memories had a direct affect on my body or how I viewed my body at the time. I do believe that these moments in history were where I learned to cope with things inappropriately and resorted to eating for one reason or another.
This certainly encourages me that I am not nuts! There are reasons that I struggle as I do. I don't use this as an excuse for sin, but as a way of understanding myself and all that I must take to the Lord as I pray through my struggles to give God my eating.
Like Amanda, we too can take hold of God's hand and experience His grace and healing. He will turn even painful things to purposeful things--in fact He is glorified in doing so. Pray that God will help you to see your part as he sees it--as redeemable. It is so comforting to know that God does not waste anything in our lives. He uses everything to shape and mold us into His likeness. Thin Within, page 168
God is going to show us His redemption of all the years the locusts have eaten. Rather than give up or throwing in the towel, let's fix our eyes on Him again and look to Him for HIS solution, His will, His way.
If you haven't been generating your list of God's attributes and taking time to praise Him for His character, today is a great day to begin that practice again. I know I need to.
If you haven't yet done the "Perfect Meal" exercise in chapter 15, try to fit that into your life today, too! Tell us about it here!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Chapter 15 - Prevailing in Prayer
If we allow ourselves to be conscious of His presence in the rhythms of life, we won't hesitate to include Him when we eat. Thin Within, page 153.
God has been working on me in a BIG way in my prayer life. There still seems to be a disconnect, but it is being worked on! Because of reading partway through the book, Soul Revolution, I set my timer on my watch to go off every hour. When it goes off, no matter what I am doing (well, most of the time), I try to reconnect with God. Sometimes it is a "Hi, Lord. Thank you for being constantly mindful of me." Sometimes it is "I praise you for being Almighty King..." Sometimes it is "Thank you for stopping me before I made a bad choice" or "Lord, I confess that I am in sin in this moment and I choose to set my flesh aside in favor of your will over my own..."
It really makes a difference.
Obviously, sometimes I use the reminder to lift up a specific prayer need as well.
If I am in a conversation with someone, the reminder causes me to commit my words to Him.
Please know that I don't believe for one minute this practice makes me some sort of "super Christian," either! In fact, what it does is humble me as so often, my heart is SO far from the Lord when the reminder comes that it blows me away...I mean, if I am to pray without ceasing, then I wonder what about the other 59 minutes in each hour! Yikes! I have set my timer more frequently, but it seemed to get a bit laborious.
It is something else when I am in the midst of eating beyond satisfied and the timer goes off. :-/ God's timing is impeccable!
Today I will do the favorite meal exercise that is on page 154 and 155. I hope you will do the same. Tell us here what you plan to do for your "Perfect Meal" and/or report what you experience. I would LOVE to hear about it. This is where the practical "rubber hits the road!"
I plan on buying some Chinese food at the local restaurant and bring it home to enjoy. I will be totally, 100% at a zero when I do this, will play some favorite soft music and make it a time of wonderful fellowship with the Lord, as well.
I am looking forward to it!
God has been working on me in a BIG way in my prayer life. There still seems to be a disconnect, but it is being worked on! Because of reading partway through the book, Soul Revolution, I set my timer on my watch to go off every hour. When it goes off, no matter what I am doing (well, most of the time), I try to reconnect with God. Sometimes it is a "Hi, Lord. Thank you for being constantly mindful of me." Sometimes it is "I praise you for being Almighty King..." Sometimes it is "Thank you for stopping me before I made a bad choice" or "Lord, I confess that I am in sin in this moment and I choose to set my flesh aside in favor of your will over my own..."
It really makes a difference.
Obviously, sometimes I use the reminder to lift up a specific prayer need as well.
If I am in a conversation with someone, the reminder causes me to commit my words to Him.
Please know that I don't believe for one minute this practice makes me some sort of "super Christian," either! In fact, what it does is humble me as so often, my heart is SO far from the Lord when the reminder comes that it blows me away...I mean, if I am to pray without ceasing, then I wonder what about the other 59 minutes in each hour! Yikes! I have set my timer more frequently, but it seemed to get a bit laborious.
It is something else when I am in the midst of eating beyond satisfied and the timer goes off. :-/ God's timing is impeccable!
Today I will do the favorite meal exercise that is on page 154 and 155. I hope you will do the same. Tell us here what you plan to do for your "Perfect Meal" and/or report what you experience. I would LOVE to hear about it. This is where the practical "rubber hits the road!"
I plan on buying some Chinese food at the local restaurant and bring it home to enjoy. I will be totally, 100% at a zero when I do this, will play some favorite soft music and make it a time of wonderful fellowship with the Lord, as well.
I am looking forward to it!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Let GO!
As long as we cling to things we have held on to for so long, we will never experience what God has for us.
Imagine a trapeze artist...he has to be willing to let go--with CONFIDENCE--to the bar that has been holding him, in order to sail with safety to the outstretched hands that await.
That which represents safety and security, must be released.
Last night at youth group :-), we were asked what God is asking us to let go of...what must be released to his hands in order to press on, to reach forward to lay a hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of us?
Please don't think this is "all or nothing." God will take our moment-by-moment (remember the marble jar illustration!) offerings to him. Let's do that...in THIS moment, let us choose to release our hold on that which we *think* brings us security...and let's fly...he waits to catch us in his strong, reliable arms...
(Yes, I am preaching to myself!)
Imagine a trapeze artist...he has to be willing to let go--with CONFIDENCE--to the bar that has been holding him, in order to sail with safety to the outstretched hands that await.
That which represents safety and security, must be released.
Last night at youth group :-), we were asked what God is asking us to let go of...what must be released to his hands in order to press on, to reach forward to lay a hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of us?
Please don't think this is "all or nothing." God will take our moment-by-moment (remember the marble jar illustration!) offerings to him. Let's do that...in THIS moment, let us choose to release our hold on that which we *think* brings us security...and let's fly...he waits to catch us in his strong, reliable arms...
(Yes, I am preaching to myself!)
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Chapter 14 (Part 2)- Replacing Lies with Truth
I hope you got to watch the Mark Hall testimony. If you are someone that comments to this blog and don't mind letting me know any input you have about that, I would sure appreciate it. Like if it didn't seem relevant, was too long for you to want to view, that sort of thing. It helps me to get some feedback about blog contents.
My own thoughts about chapter 14 of Thin Within by Arthur and Judy Halliday....
This chapter reminds me personally of some of the things that God has been teaching me...It is time to return to that which He has led me to KNOW.
There is a lot of value in looking at my reactions and evaluating what is behind it. Barb Raveling refers in Freedom From Emotional Eating to "truth journaling." In Search For Significance Robert McGee includes a process of the "Trip In." These are similar ideas to what is shared in chapter 14.
In a nutshell, the idea found in chapter 14 of Thin Within and my interpretation of these other two resources is that what I believe will affect my actions. If I evaluate what I believe to see if truth or lie is at the heart of my belief, and then replace lies I believe with truth, I can experience some positive changes in my behavior in the moment...which can radically transform my life in the longer haul.
It is powerful stuff and really makes a difference.
This was illustrated for me a week or so ago. My son will be 17 (I can't believe it!) on Thursday. He will have his driving test soon and drives whenever he can. We live in a small town and you have to drive a canyon road in order to get to "civilization." Having him drive that road has added many a gray hair to my already whitening head. But really? He is a pretty good driver for a young buck, if I say so myself. :-)
Last week, as he was driving through the canyon. In spite of driving well, a motorcycle law enforcement officer was following Daniel closely. This police officer or sheriff (whatever he was, I didn't notice) wasn't following Daniel because Daniel was doing anything wrong. The officer was doing what many people driving through the canyon do...pushing the person in front of him (Daniel). Frankly, the motorcycle cop was...tailgating!
Daniel pulled over as soon as he could (which is an issue on this road) in case the motorcycle cop wanted something...but no...the motorcycle blitzed on by. Daniel was beside himself. He didn't want to drive any more. He did drive the rest of the way out of the canyon, but wanted me to drive after that. He was devastated. It turned out that Daniel believed that he had been driving badly because of the officer's tailgating. This made Daniel afraid that we would have an accident...which made him want to no longer drive. (We have some maturity issues to deal with, certainly.)
No matter what I said or asked Daniel about what the FACTS indicated, because he believed a lie--that he was driving badly and could cause an accident--he couldn't get over how he felt and what he thought he had to DO as a result.
God used this experience to show me that I do the same thing. Even my rant here at the blog Monday is a parallel to this situation.
Think about it...
Something that has happened to me...something real (like Daniel being followed too closely by the motorcycle cop). I have ascribed meaning to it that may not be accurate or reflect God's truth, just like Daniel assumed that if a motorcycle cop was following closely it meant he was a bad driver and would have an accident.
I have then embraced that meaning as if it is truth, thus believing a lie. I have then clung to activity or inactivity based on my embracing this lie as truth, just as Daniel couldn't stand driving after that--interestingly enough, as with Daniel, believing this lie could have actually affected his driving. Driving with less confidence can make him have difficulty making wise on-the-spot decisions! He could then be a poor driver, all because of what he believed--the LIE!
The results seen in my life are all based on believing a lie...believing this lie affects how I "drive" through my life.
I have to take a step back and choose to replace the LIE with God's TRUTH.
Chapter 14 gives us an opportunity to do this practically. I hope you did this activity and actually wrote something in the blanks on pages 146 and 148.
What did you learn as you did?
Something that struck me on Monday...following my writing of my post about how I was feeling...I have been afraid that I would DIE if I waited on the Lord--that he would let me sit there in pain and I would suffer longer. I have been afraid to be still in my pain and to wait for him to come with healing. Therefore, I have filled up my life with too much busy-ness and returned to other coping mechanisms as well, as I shared on Monday.
You know what? This may be what happens...I may have to suffer longer...That IS truth in this! Case in point...
Jesus stayed two days where he was when he received word that Lazarus was sick. Jesus seemed to delay! Lazarus DID die.
If Jesus handles Lazarus like he does me, I MAY die as I wait for him. (Maybe not literally, as Lazarus did). But the TRUTH is that I MAY.
But...and this is the important part...if Jesus handles me as he did Lazarus, something greater is ahead as well...something that rocks my world (in a good way)...a resurrection.
So my fear...the lie I believe...that I will die and that will be the end of it and that is that...can be replaced by the truth that, yes, I may die, but Jesus can raise even the dead...and he does...I can bank on it.
God was glorified in that death and the following resurrection.
This gives me hope. That even if he allows me to feel such pain and even to "die," that God will work an amazing revelation of himself through it...and be glorified. I am sure that if we were to ask Lazarus if he would trade the sickness and death for what he learned through the experience and the subsequent resurrection, he would probably say no. He probably loved getting to know Jesus all that much more...and Mary and Martha would likely concur!
For the record...no, I haven't been binging. Nothing like that. Some of you have asked privately why I am drawn to food more now. Frankly, though I am drawn to food, I don't find eating my primary "failure." I am eating usually 0 to 5, but sometimes a bit before hunger and a bit more than I need. (Like 1 - 6.) Nothing blatantly "overeating." Though...it is the small compromises that can get in there and be problematic (the "little foxes that spoil the vineyard!").
The primary coping mechanisms that I have resorted to have been diet soda (again) and being overly busy. I am still the same size I was at the beginning of the summer.
My heart has had my biggest concern...and the lies I believe. These are changes in a direction I don't want to go...
My own thoughts about chapter 14 of Thin Within by Arthur and Judy Halliday....
This chapter reminds me personally of some of the things that God has been teaching me...It is time to return to that which He has led me to KNOW.
There is a lot of value in looking at my reactions and evaluating what is behind it. Barb Raveling refers in Freedom From Emotional Eating to "truth journaling." In Search For Significance Robert McGee includes a process of the "Trip In." These are similar ideas to what is shared in chapter 14.
In a nutshell, the idea found in chapter 14 of Thin Within and my interpretation of these other two resources is that what I believe will affect my actions. If I evaluate what I believe to see if truth or lie is at the heart of my belief, and then replace lies I believe with truth, I can experience some positive changes in my behavior in the moment...which can radically transform my life in the longer haul.
It is powerful stuff and really makes a difference.
This was illustrated for me a week or so ago. My son will be 17 (I can't believe it!) on Thursday. He will have his driving test soon and drives whenever he can. We live in a small town and you have to drive a canyon road in order to get to "civilization." Having him drive that road has added many a gray hair to my already whitening head. But really? He is a pretty good driver for a young buck, if I say so myself. :-)
Last week, as he was driving through the canyon. In spite of driving well, a motorcycle law enforcement officer was following Daniel closely. This police officer or sheriff (whatever he was, I didn't notice) wasn't following Daniel because Daniel was doing anything wrong. The officer was doing what many people driving through the canyon do...pushing the person in front of him (Daniel). Frankly, the motorcycle cop was...tailgating!
Daniel pulled over as soon as he could (which is an issue on this road) in case the motorcycle cop wanted something...but no...the motorcycle blitzed on by. Daniel was beside himself. He didn't want to drive any more. He did drive the rest of the way out of the canyon, but wanted me to drive after that. He was devastated. It turned out that Daniel believed that he had been driving badly because of the officer's tailgating. This made Daniel afraid that we would have an accident...which made him want to no longer drive. (We have some maturity issues to deal with, certainly.)
No matter what I said or asked Daniel about what the FACTS indicated, because he believed a lie--that he was driving badly and could cause an accident--he couldn't get over how he felt and what he thought he had to DO as a result.
God used this experience to show me that I do the same thing. Even my rant here at the blog Monday is a parallel to this situation.
Think about it...
Something that has happened to me...something real (like Daniel being followed too closely by the motorcycle cop). I have ascribed meaning to it that may not be accurate or reflect God's truth, just like Daniel assumed that if a motorcycle cop was following closely it meant he was a bad driver and would have an accident.
I have then embraced that meaning as if it is truth, thus believing a lie. I have then clung to activity or inactivity based on my embracing this lie as truth, just as Daniel couldn't stand driving after that--interestingly enough, as with Daniel, believing this lie could have actually affected his driving. Driving with less confidence can make him have difficulty making wise on-the-spot decisions! He could then be a poor driver, all because of what he believed--the LIE!
The results seen in my life are all based on believing a lie...believing this lie affects how I "drive" through my life.
I have to take a step back and choose to replace the LIE with God's TRUTH.
Chapter 14 gives us an opportunity to do this practically. I hope you did this activity and actually wrote something in the blanks on pages 146 and 148.
What did you learn as you did?
Something that struck me on Monday...following my writing of my post about how I was feeling...I have been afraid that I would DIE if I waited on the Lord--that he would let me sit there in pain and I would suffer longer. I have been afraid to be still in my pain and to wait for him to come with healing. Therefore, I have filled up my life with too much busy-ness and returned to other coping mechanisms as well, as I shared on Monday.
You know what? This may be what happens...I may have to suffer longer...That IS truth in this! Case in point...
Jesus stayed two days where he was when he received word that Lazarus was sick. Jesus seemed to delay! Lazarus DID die.
If Jesus handles Lazarus like he does me, I MAY die as I wait for him. (Maybe not literally, as Lazarus did). But the TRUTH is that I MAY.
But...and this is the important part...if Jesus handles me as he did Lazarus, something greater is ahead as well...something that rocks my world (in a good way)...a resurrection.
So my fear...the lie I believe...that I will die and that will be the end of it and that is that...can be replaced by the truth that, yes, I may die, but Jesus can raise even the dead...and he does...I can bank on it.
God was glorified in that death and the following resurrection.
This gives me hope. That even if he allows me to feel such pain and even to "die," that God will work an amazing revelation of himself through it...and be glorified. I am sure that if we were to ask Lazarus if he would trade the sickness and death for what he learned through the experience and the subsequent resurrection, he would probably say no. He probably loved getting to know Jesus all that much more...and Mary and Martha would likely concur!
For the record...no, I haven't been binging. Nothing like that. Some of you have asked privately why I am drawn to food more now. Frankly, though I am drawn to food, I don't find eating my primary "failure." I am eating usually 0 to 5, but sometimes a bit before hunger and a bit more than I need. (Like 1 - 6.) Nothing blatantly "overeating." Though...it is the small compromises that can get in there and be problematic (the "little foxes that spoil the vineyard!").
The primary coping mechanisms that I have resorted to have been diet soda (again) and being overly busy. I am still the same size I was at the beginning of the summer.
My heart has had my biggest concern...and the lies I believe. These are changes in a direction I don't want to go...
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
We Interrupt this regularly scheduled program...
This link and clicking the title of this blog entry, will take you to Barb Raveling's blog site for July 10th. There, she does some truth journaling. It is PERFECT timing! Have a look at how it works for Barb...it is a POWERFUL tool and VERY much related to chapter 14!!! Give it a try!
Chapter 14 - Mark Hall Testimony
Chapter 14 in Thin Within is definitely well timed for me personally. Even though I am a couple of weeks behind my initial projected tentative schedule, God is definitely making sure that each chapter is timed perfectly as far as *he* is concerned.
What do we believe about ourselves? What do I believe about MYself? Does this agree with what GOD says?
The following clips are each about 9 minutes long. They are part 1 and part 2 of Mark Hall's testimony...Mark Hall is the lead singer for the Christian Band, Casting Crowns. When I have led TW classes, I have found that this testimony resonates for some of us, so I found it at You Tube and have it here for you to benefit from. I would love to hear from you after you watch the two parts. Ask God to use this and I will as well...God is moving...
What do we believe about ourselves? What do I believe about MYself? Does this agree with what GOD says?
The following clips are each about 9 minutes long. They are part 1 and part 2 of Mark Hall's testimony...Mark Hall is the lead singer for the Christian Band, Casting Crowns. When I have led TW classes, I have found that this testimony resonates for some of us, so I found it at You Tube and have it here for you to benefit from. I would love to hear from you after you watch the two parts. Ask God to use this and I will as well...God is moving...
Part 1:
Part 2:
Monday, July 13, 2009
Clarity on the Trail...
Sometimes, even if I seem to be in a deep pit where I can't see my way clear, it doesn't take much for me to get clarity. Sometimes an honest step back is all it takes.
I haven't been taking time to be with my horses much lately. In the past week, I have taken way more time than in the previous 4 weeks put together!
Today, just after posting my previous blog entry, I met a friend out at the "Omstead Loop." There, I had a most amazing ride on my horse, Harley, my heartbeat. Once again, he was the perfect gentleman. Even my friend commented on how much he has changed... YAY!
It is funny how being out there is so cathartic, so therapeutic for me. I have said that in the past that if I would just allow myself that time with my horses out on the trail, perhaps things wouldn't seem so horribly intense when I am at home or facing "issues." None of the situations I am currently facing went away, certainly, but I found myself "softening"...which is a term we use in the kind of horsemanship I practice for a change in the mind and heart of the horse (and rider) that affects the body--the feet--the posture as well.
A softening of my heart and mind has happened that is affecting my posture toward the Lord in this...
As I returned home after such a delightful morning out on the trail, I found myself willing to at least work on the need to forgive, instead of shutting down. I *am* tired of always being soooo myopic, but I know that the Lord is using this time of processing to go deep...a deep cleansing is happening.
So far today, my eating has been fine. :-)
I haven't been taking time to be with my horses much lately. In the past week, I have taken way more time than in the previous 4 weeks put together!
Today, just after posting my previous blog entry, I met a friend out at the "Omstead Loop." There, I had a most amazing ride on my horse, Harley, my heartbeat. Once again, he was the perfect gentleman. Even my friend commented on how much he has changed... YAY!
It is funny how being out there is so cathartic, so therapeutic for me. I have said that in the past that if I would just allow myself that time with my horses out on the trail, perhaps things wouldn't seem so horribly intense when I am at home or facing "issues." None of the situations I am currently facing went away, certainly, but I found myself "softening"...which is a term we use in the kind of horsemanship I practice for a change in the mind and heart of the horse (and rider) that affects the body--the feet--the posture as well.
A softening of my heart and mind has happened that is affecting my posture toward the Lord in this...
As I returned home after such a delightful morning out on the trail, I found myself willing to at least work on the need to forgive, instead of shutting down. I *am* tired of always being soooo myopic, but I know that the Lord is using this time of processing to go deep...a deep cleansing is happening.
So far today, my eating has been fine. :-)
Chapter 13 Thoughts
I am becoming more and more aware of just how deeply God intends to go with his healing.
With this awareness has come another awareness of just how far I am willing to go NOT to feel the pain that is in that place.
I have come to believe that I need to feel the pain in order to bring it to God. But doing so means that I trust that God won't leave me in that place of feeling the pain without his rescue. I have begun to see just how much I don't trust him. I know that much of this is connected to the very things he wants to heal in me. I have major fear of abandonment where people are concerned and, during this season of my life, people are abandoning me, further reinforcing this fear. (Granted, this abandonment by others isn't about me at all...dear friends who have left our church, our pastor resigning and so on). But because of the way these things trigger past memories and experiences, they all FELL so real, so personal, so...intensely painful.
I believe this is why I am grasping as I haven't in a few years for coping mechanisms...some way to feel normal. Just to avoid being in pain all day long.
The busy-ness and, today, obviously, choosing anger over forgiveness...it is all an attempt to outrun pain and depression.
Drinking soothing drinks like diet cherry pepsi (which I had given up, but have returned to) or having a bit more food than I need (happily, I am not eating a ton of food, but I am eating outside of godly parameters) are all ways of self-gratifying my flesh which feels like it will die if it has to stay in this place of such pain.
I don't mean for this to be a "poor me, I am a victim" sort of journal entry. These things are everyday sorts of things for this season of my life. Being on the search team for a new pastor means that I will stick around for this season. So what is ahead is more of this same pain.
There are major transitions going on with others I care about, not just those who have left. People I love are feeling pain over all of this...and I have to pray that God will not let me take on *their* warfare as well as my own! We are to carry one another's burdens, but each one is to shoulder his own load in the Lord. (Galatians 6:1-5)
So I must wait for the Lord. He is calling me to release the hold on all my coping mechanisms. I was tra-la-ing along and now this test seems beyond my ability to withstand. This is real trial by fire for me...my instincts are to run for all I am worth. If I have to stay, then I want not to feel...so that is where I think I have been, why the busy-ness, why the sadness, why the inconsistency, why the struggle to string several consecutive moments together of godly behavior.
Chapter 13 addresses some of this. The lies I believe are keeping me from God's best. You see, I KNOW he will heal me, but I feel like I will die waiting for him to do it. His timing seems so long. I can't fathom waiting for him right now. I know he wants me to feel it all. It seems beyond overwhelming. So I have structured my life not to have any time where I am without something I must do. If I have time where I don't have a commitment, I tend to nap. The symptoms of depression are obvious.
The intimacy God wants to share with us increases as we release to Him our unmet needs and our expectations of others and ourselves. It occurs by degrees as we surrender our mind, emotions, and will to Him...He intends that His grace should infuse every aspect of our lives. Thin Within, page 131
Right now, the promise of "intimacy with God" seems too remote for what it will cost me. That is a lie, but it is one I believe for all I am worth, I guess. I just can't stand being left in my feeling. (I am praying about getting a therapist to work with me through some of this, as I can't stand being stuck this way...)
I can't relate right now to reverting back to the law in the way it is described in chapter 13, but I know I have in the past.
We will face battles and challenges, but anything this valuable is worth the fight. Call on Him and He will answer. His Spirit will inspire you, enable you, and empower you to fight in the strength He provides. With an act of your will and a sincere heart, you can call out for help in any moment, in any temptation. He has promised to come to your aid. Thin Within, page 134
I have to admit. I am not there right now. Today, rather than "the joy of the Lord" being my strength, I feel like my resentment and anger is my strength. I am fit to be tied at my former pastor and at some others...I know I have to bring these things to the Lord and choose to forgive, but right now that sounds too painful to me. I can't imagine.
For a long time, I have known that my eating is out of whack when I am harboring resentment, bitterness and not forgiving those that I know I need to. So I guess I am set up for failure in that regard today if I don't deal with this...
Questions for you to ponder:
1. Is there anything that keeps you from stopping using any coping mechanisms right now to feel any pain in your own life? These pains can be present time pain or those from your past. Or a combination. Often, pain in our present triggers painful memories or reactions to similar situations. We can often tell this is the case by our over-reactions to certain things.
2. Are you willing to sit with the Lord and to feel what he calls you to feel instead of to use coping mechanisms to avoid feelings from which you may be running? My answer in this moment is NO. That isn't a healthy place to be. I hope your answer isn't NO.
I hope that none of you are dealing with issues like those that face me right now. My own resistance is my greatest enemy. To surrender sounds so horribly frightening. I will come around, I know. But right now...yikes...no.
With this awareness has come another awareness of just how far I am willing to go NOT to feel the pain that is in that place.
I have come to believe that I need to feel the pain in order to bring it to God. But doing so means that I trust that God won't leave me in that place of feeling the pain without his rescue. I have begun to see just how much I don't trust him. I know that much of this is connected to the very things he wants to heal in me. I have major fear of abandonment where people are concerned and, during this season of my life, people are abandoning me, further reinforcing this fear. (Granted, this abandonment by others isn't about me at all...dear friends who have left our church, our pastor resigning and so on). But because of the way these things trigger past memories and experiences, they all FELL so real, so personal, so...intensely painful.
I believe this is why I am grasping as I haven't in a few years for coping mechanisms...some way to feel normal. Just to avoid being in pain all day long.
The busy-ness and, today, obviously, choosing anger over forgiveness...it is all an attempt to outrun pain and depression.
Drinking soothing drinks like diet cherry pepsi (which I had given up, but have returned to) or having a bit more food than I need (happily, I am not eating a ton of food, but I am eating outside of godly parameters) are all ways of self-gratifying my flesh which feels like it will die if it has to stay in this place of such pain.
I don't mean for this to be a "poor me, I am a victim" sort of journal entry. These things are everyday sorts of things for this season of my life. Being on the search team for a new pastor means that I will stick around for this season. So what is ahead is more of this same pain.
There are major transitions going on with others I care about, not just those who have left. People I love are feeling pain over all of this...and I have to pray that God will not let me take on *their* warfare as well as my own! We are to carry one another's burdens, but each one is to shoulder his own load in the Lord. (Galatians 6:1-5)
So I must wait for the Lord. He is calling me to release the hold on all my coping mechanisms. I was tra-la-ing along and now this test seems beyond my ability to withstand. This is real trial by fire for me...my instincts are to run for all I am worth. If I have to stay, then I want not to feel...so that is where I think I have been, why the busy-ness, why the sadness, why the inconsistency, why the struggle to string several consecutive moments together of godly behavior.
Chapter 13 addresses some of this. The lies I believe are keeping me from God's best. You see, I KNOW he will heal me, but I feel like I will die waiting for him to do it. His timing seems so long. I can't fathom waiting for him right now. I know he wants me to feel it all. It seems beyond overwhelming. So I have structured my life not to have any time where I am without something I must do. If I have time where I don't have a commitment, I tend to nap. The symptoms of depression are obvious.
The intimacy God wants to share with us increases as we release to Him our unmet needs and our expectations of others and ourselves. It occurs by degrees as we surrender our mind, emotions, and will to Him...He intends that His grace should infuse every aspect of our lives. Thin Within, page 131
Right now, the promise of "intimacy with God" seems too remote for what it will cost me. That is a lie, but it is one I believe for all I am worth, I guess. I just can't stand being left in my feeling. (I am praying about getting a therapist to work with me through some of this, as I can't stand being stuck this way...)
I can't relate right now to reverting back to the law in the way it is described in chapter 13, but I know I have in the past.
We will face battles and challenges, but anything this valuable is worth the fight. Call on Him and He will answer. His Spirit will inspire you, enable you, and empower you to fight in the strength He provides. With an act of your will and a sincere heart, you can call out for help in any moment, in any temptation. He has promised to come to your aid. Thin Within, page 134
I have to admit. I am not there right now. Today, rather than "the joy of the Lord" being my strength, I feel like my resentment and anger is my strength. I am fit to be tied at my former pastor and at some others...I know I have to bring these things to the Lord and choose to forgive, but right now that sounds too painful to me. I can't imagine.
For a long time, I have known that my eating is out of whack when I am harboring resentment, bitterness and not forgiving those that I know I need to. So I guess I am set up for failure in that regard today if I don't deal with this...
Questions for you to ponder:
1. Is there anything that keeps you from stopping using any coping mechanisms right now to feel any pain in your own life? These pains can be present time pain or those from your past. Or a combination. Often, pain in our present triggers painful memories or reactions to similar situations. We can often tell this is the case by our over-reactions to certain things.
2. Are you willing to sit with the Lord and to feel what he calls you to feel instead of to use coping mechanisms to avoid feelings from which you may be running? My answer in this moment is NO. That isn't a healthy place to be. I hope your answer isn't NO.
I hope that none of you are dealing with issues like those that face me right now. My own resistance is my greatest enemy. To surrender sounds so horribly frightening. I will come around, I know. But right now...yikes...no.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Crazy Fun and Crazy Busy
I have been majorly flaky with our study. Today was crazy busy and crazy fun.
Michaela and I started the day by getting on Harley and Breezy for a ride from home. We don't often do that. Poor Michaela was chafing because of the way the saddle hit her. She was miserable, so we cut it short and only rode about an hour (which I am sure seemed like an eternity to her).
After we got back, we went out to lunch in town. It was fun to stay in our little town of Cool at a little restaurant there for pizza. I love it when all four of us enjoy the same place to eat. What a novelty!
Then our family headed up to Loon Lake where our church is having family camp this weekend. We stayed just long enough to take a short canoe ride around the lake.
Fun fun fun!
You know, one of the things that God is bringing home to my heart...it has to do with the relationship I crave with my kids. I am seeing that this is something that motivates me to go to extreme lengths. I am protective of my kids and hubby, of our time together, we carve time out to be together--making it a priority.
I want my kids' hearts, not just their obedience. I want them to see them as I see them--beautiful inside and out. I want them to know truth and it breaks my heart when they don't...when they believe lies.
Gosh, all of these things that I struggle with from a parent's point of view, I know my Father in Heaven has an even more pure desire for me than I do for my kids. It really puts it into perspective for me in some ways...it tenders my heart to realize that his sweet parent's heart is so turned toward me in love...
More tomorrow.
:-)
Michaela and I started the day by getting on Harley and Breezy for a ride from home. We don't often do that. Poor Michaela was chafing because of the way the saddle hit her. She was miserable, so we cut it short and only rode about an hour (which I am sure seemed like an eternity to her).
After we got back, we went out to lunch in town. It was fun to stay in our little town of Cool at a little restaurant there for pizza. I love it when all four of us enjoy the same place to eat. What a novelty!
Then our family headed up to Loon Lake where our church is having family camp this weekend. We stayed just long enough to take a short canoe ride around the lake.
Fun fun fun!
You know, one of the things that God is bringing home to my heart...it has to do with the relationship I crave with my kids. I am seeing that this is something that motivates me to go to extreme lengths. I am protective of my kids and hubby, of our time together, we carve time out to be together--making it a priority.
I want my kids' hearts, not just their obedience. I want them to see them as I see them--beautiful inside and out. I want them to know truth and it breaks my heart when they don't...when they believe lies.
Gosh, all of these things that I struggle with from a parent's point of view, I know my Father in Heaven has an even more pure desire for me than I do for my kids. It really puts it into perspective for me in some ways...it tenders my heart to realize that his sweet parent's heart is so turned toward me in love...
More tomorrow.
:-)
Friday, July 10, 2009
Great Day, No Blogging Time!
Wow! Thanks, girls, for replying!
My day got away from me...all in a GOOD way.
Our horses actually got to BLESS another family. It was SO awesome! I was so blessed...I tell you, after all the time, money, effort we have put into them, it was so RICH to be able to see other people on TWO of them at once, smiling as they went. YAY! (In the picture below, my dark horse, Harley, carries my daughter. He actually carried three different people today...two brand new beginners and my daughter who hasn't ridden him much at all...and Breezy the white horse has my daughter's friend. It was SO cool! My ponies were SO GREAT today! Thank you Lord!!!)
Then a trip to the lake, McDonald's with the family and off to a community co-op vegetable garden for our church's feed-the-hungry program...Such a great day with family and friends!
THIS IS GREAT! But God showed me something...I had a chance to tell someone I interacted with during the day how I saw her when I first met her (and how I still see her). I don't know her well, but she is beautiful, strong, and absolutely healthy, and vibrant looking. I see one of those kind of "California girl" looks that most women would love to have...But she doesn't see herself that way at all. I wanted to cry...it made me sad the way she sees herself ...well, it is a lie from the pit. I wanted to tell her NO! That is a LIE!
God gently pointed out to me that I believe similar lies...that I see myself through just as warped a lens as my new friend does...wow...that really brought home just how deceived *I* might be...But then I also realized...I am still hyperfixating on appearance. I am called to let it go, warped view or not...let it go, let it go, let it go...other things are SO much more important! Oh my!!!!
Always a journey!
My day got away from me...all in a GOOD way.
Our horses actually got to BLESS another family. It was SO awesome! I was so blessed...I tell you, after all the time, money, effort we have put into them, it was so RICH to be able to see other people on TWO of them at once, smiling as they went. YAY! (In the picture below, my dark horse, Harley, carries my daughter. He actually carried three different people today...two brand new beginners and my daughter who hasn't ridden him much at all...and Breezy the white horse has my daughter's friend. It was SO cool! My ponies were SO GREAT today! Thank you Lord!!!)
Then a trip to the lake, McDonald's with the family and off to a community co-op vegetable garden for our church's feed-the-hungry program...Such a great day with family and friends!
THIS IS GREAT! But God showed me something...I had a chance to tell someone I interacted with during the day how I saw her when I first met her (and how I still see her). I don't know her well, but she is beautiful, strong, and absolutely healthy, and vibrant looking. I see one of those kind of "California girl" looks that most women would love to have...But she doesn't see herself that way at all. I wanted to cry...it made me sad the way she sees herself ...well, it is a lie from the pit. I wanted to tell her NO! That is a LIE!
God gently pointed out to me that I believe similar lies...that I see myself through just as warped a lens as my new friend does...wow...that really brought home just how deceived *I* might be...But then I also realized...I am still hyperfixating on appearance. I am called to let it go, warped view or not...let it go, let it go, let it go...other things are SO much more important! Oh my!!!!
Always a journey!
It's Friday!
Hi, everyone. Wow, time is flying by. It is Friday already. I plan to post on chapter 13 later today, but in the meantime, how about some of YOU share any meaningful parts with us? I would LOVE to hear from YOU about how God uses it.
I reread chapter 13 just after I posted my "Ugly" post. It was RIGHT what I needed to read! God is so kind.
More later! We are hosting a family up here to play with the horses and go to the lake, so I have to get things all ready for that!
I really would LOVE to hear from you!
I reread chapter 13 just after I posted my "Ugly" post. It was RIGHT what I needed to read! God is so kind.
More later! We are hosting a family up here to play with the horses and go to the lake, so I have to get things all ready for that!
I really would LOVE to hear from you!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Marble Jar Insights
Interesting...I decided to start using my marble jar to literally record moments captured for the Lord...you know, those moments when I knew I could have chosen one thing, but chose the better thing--the godly, Spirit-led thing.
I discovered something...I had just made a good choice and I thought:
"Good, I just made the RIGHT choice..a marble in the jar for me!"
And just as quickly came the accusing thought:
"Ah, but you don't DESERVE a marble in the jar because earlier you chose to do the lesser thing instead!"
Now whose voice do you suppose that was? It wasn't God's, as it was a condemning thought. But it was interesting how quickly that voice was there to challenge me to minimize the good choice instead of celebrating it.
Try it yourself and see what happens. Then, when that accusing voice wags a finger at you, clobber it with TRUTH! :-) I just did and relished the sound of the marble tinkling in the jar. :-)
WHOO HOO!
I discovered something...I had just made a good choice and I thought:
"Good, I just made the RIGHT choice..a marble in the jar for me!"
And just as quickly came the accusing thought:
"Ah, but you don't DESERVE a marble in the jar because earlier you chose to do the lesser thing instead!"
Now whose voice do you suppose that was? It wasn't God's, as it was a condemning thought. But it was interesting how quickly that voice was there to challenge me to minimize the good choice instead of celebrating it.
Try it yourself and see what happens. Then, when that accusing voice wags a finger at you, clobber it with TRUTH! :-) I just did and relished the sound of the marble tinkling in the jar. :-)
WHOO HOO!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Chapter 12 - This Post is UGLY
Ugly...isn't this creature ugly? Then again, I guess God created this creature and said "Good" when he did...Well, God hasn't created the ugly you are about to see in me... And no matter if you think this creature IS ugly, he (she?) is definitely not uglier than what you are about to read...so here it is...
I've become aware of how much I tend to make excuses for sinful choices...quite frequently, in fact. "I am tired." "I am stressed." "I am too busy..." These excuses seem to be a subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) way of justifying my sin! Usually, the truthful "excuses" are used to justify why I should let down my guard and eat what I want when I want or not care quite so much. All the while, my heart knows, God has made it clear that this choice, in this moment, is sin. Excuses, even if they are truthful (I AM tired. I AM stressed...etc...) don't minimize the fact that sin is sin.
The reality is, I need to *always* remain vigilant against my flesh. I am trying (still, after all this time) to train my mind. There are many lies I believe and I need to replace these lies with God's truth. I must remain vigilant to the fact that my "default" setting is actually NOT God's plan for me. Excuses keep me from depending on the Lord. As long as I allow for and welcome these excuses, I will struggle with this stronghold. I have a choice to make. NO excuses or NO lasting victory. Which will I choose?
As I read about the pendulum illustration for the umpteenth time, it sure was brought home in a new way. It has become an ever-so-accurate a portrayal of my life. Bleah! I thought I was free of that! Yet, here I am again...
I think it started off innocently enough. I was on this road back in November 2006, experiencing victory in the moment, leaning on God, needing him. NOT making excuses, but giving my choices to the Lord fairly consistently.
Then, as I realized that I could minister to others about this issue, I began to feel an understandable sense of responsibility... This isn't necessarily wrong. Though in my case, pride wasn't far behind. A sense of responsibility to those we minister to can be a good thing. I should be accountable for what I put out there to share with others. If I teach it, if I proclaim it, I need to live it. In the case of this material, there should be physical evidence if I am doing that...or so it seems to me. Not perfection, no...but a willing transformation. Sometimes it is three steps forward and two back, but the direction is set and consistent.
For the past 9 months, though, I have gone from 3 steps forward and 2 back to 1 step forward and 3 back. Now, I feel like I am on this path heading the WRONG direction completely! I am heading backward at break-neck speed now. Very few steps are heading forward.
At some point, I went from a God-calling awareness of ministering to others and the responsibility that brings with it in a godly way, to a fixation on PERFORMANCE for the sake of my reputation! Now I am stuck in a place where I am all about "What will so and so think?" or "How do I *appear*?" YUCK! If I were even half so concerned about GOD's reputation and glory because of my behavior as I am my own, I might really be able to make headway once again.
While it IS true that God doesn't look at outward appearance, that he looks on the heart, man, nevertheless does look at outward appearance.
I do believe there is some place in the Christian life for appearance since humans will use it to evaluate the validity of my message...how DO I appear? For instance, I don't go to another church for a Monday night service because the appearance can cause others in my own church to stumble right now. I have the freedom to do so, but with so many having left our church during a difficult transition time, I don't want it to appear that my heart is divided--and I don't want my heart to BE divided! Since agreeing to be on the search team for a new pastor at our church, my sense of responsibility is all the more heightened. So I willingly give up my freedom in Christ to go to that church on Monday night for teaching and worship so that others aren't caused to stumble by my appearance to be divided in heart.
Likewise, I know that my walk through the Thin Within material--dropping the weight and then finding some again--can cause others to stumble. I think part of my motivation to CLING to the lowest weight that I was initially had to do with an honest desire not to cause others to stumble. After all, my appearance has been what has caused people to be willing to listen to the message...that of depending on the Lord and the heart transformation that he will bring, causing a physical transformation, too! My physically releasing weight, gave validity in many peoples' eyes (understandably) to the message! So it stands to reason that just as many people would feel prone to think "Ha! That must not work, look at her now!" :-/
The number of people who say things like "I would like advice from someone who has lost all their weight and kept it off" is quite high. What it means, is that I am disqualified from having anything to offer them or to encourage them with if I have gained any weight back for any reason. Again, people aren't nearly so concerned about the heart issues as they are the physical body and outward appearance. I see this more and more and have trouble with it myself.
I know that some of my physical appearance changing is directly related to my ongoing struggle to give God my heart. Frankly, I bow before my tastebuds often enough! My heart IS divided! I want to honor the Lord, but when I want something sweet, well... "I want it." (I heard myself saying that to my husband this morning...eek!)
So some months back, in order to be able to minister to as many as possible, I wanted to keep the weight off...but then something shifted...the heart may have been in the right place initially (I guess that is in question!)...but then it shifted to MY reputation as I stated above. It began to shift toward serving pride.
Now it is once again a full blown obsession with how I appear...not for God's sake, not for ministry's sake... (though, this is a part of it, too) but, mostly, for my own sake. I am humiliated and embarrassed. With this has come a TRUCKLOAD of head junk that (in my pride) I thought I would never struggle with again. When I was thin, I didn't have to worry about these kinds of things. Of course, maybe I am looking back at Egypt forgetting some of the heartaches I *did* have. Right now with my size bigger than I am comfortable, I have a ton of junk messing with my head. More than in a long while. It is absolutely devastating for me.
Frankly, I have felt like I want to just let some things go (for instance, my intention to be free from nutrasweet and caffeine) and get back to a size that I like...and sort out the idols later. That has been my thinking! I know this is what in recovery is called "stinking thinking," but it seems so reasonable to me right now. I can take worrying about idols later so much better than I can take the mess my head is in right now.
So I end this blog entry where I started...sharing that there are many lies I have been believing in spite of how long I have been on this path. Right now, I believe the lie that says "Get thin again at all costs and deal with the rest of the damage later..." In my rational brain, I can know this is a lie. But my heart so wants to break free of the junk that being overweight brings with it. When I was thin...I didn't have *that* heartache. I had others. Right now, I would rather have those than these old familiar things that I thought I had left behind forever. This really stinks...I know that in my mind everything seems way worse than it all actually is...but I need it to go away. I just want it all to go away!
Wow...when I began this blog entry, this is NOT what I had planned to share with you. This is authentic, though. Yuck. Nothing like letting the entire world in on the whole ugly picture.
Yuck...as I read and re-read this blog entry, I began to feel so hopeless! I went to the fridge and opened the cookie dough tub, took out a finger-full. Took a bite...and instantly spit it out...and gave the rest to the dog...I guess I am not totally a goner. In the past I would have actually felt like it tasted good and was soothing. Right now, it mocks me...it is repulsive to me...but my having been drawn to do that sort of blows me away. Nevertheless...there is a MARBLE in my JAR today! LOL!
I need yet more time with the Lord, quiet before him, still...clinging to him...begging him to save me from lies I believe!
I warned you! This post is UGLY!
If you can at all identify with any of this, hang in there. I am not giving up. I am going to press on...
Assignment for This Week! July 6th-13th
Oops! Sorry I forgot to post an assignment for this week! If anyone is still with me, I am hoping to post about chapter 12, 13, and 14 this week. Three chapters each week seems to be one too many during these busy summer weeks! I can hardly believe it!
Of course, I will continue to keep my list AND to take time to praise the Lord for his attributes and the way he relates to me, His child. The other day when I had my "praise-fest" it made all the difference in the world for getting me out of the pit I had jumped into! So I will continue to praise. Sometimes, I need my NOW changed. Praising God changes my NOW in a radical way.
I confess to you that I haven't made my reading and posting here the priority that I feel in my heart I should, so choose in THIS "now" moment to get back on track. I will post about chapter 12 later today, chapter 13 on Friday and 14 on Saturday.
I hope you are hanging in there with me!
I could easily beat myself up for "failure" in being a "good" online study leader. Instead, I am going to lean on the Lord, allow His grace to flow over me...and press forward NOW.
You can, too, if you find yourself in a similar spot!
Of course, I will continue to keep my list AND to take time to praise the Lord for his attributes and the way he relates to me, His child. The other day when I had my "praise-fest" it made all the difference in the world for getting me out of the pit I had jumped into! So I will continue to praise. Sometimes, I need my NOW changed. Praising God changes my NOW in a radical way.
I confess to you that I haven't made my reading and posting here the priority that I feel in my heart I should, so choose in THIS "now" moment to get back on track. I will post about chapter 12 later today, chapter 13 on Friday and 14 on Saturday.
I hope you are hanging in there with me!
I could easily beat myself up for "failure" in being a "good" online study leader. Instead, I am going to lean on the Lord, allow His grace to flow over me...and press forward NOW.
You can, too, if you find yourself in a similar spot!
Monday, July 6, 2009
Fix Your Eyes
Being on the worship team, I sometimes get introduced to songs I haven't heard...in time to learn them and sing them for Sunday! HA! (That is on Thursday night!) :-)
Yesterday, as I enjoyed sitting with my family and worshipping before the Lord while holding them tight (we are dorks, what can I say?), the worship pastor revisited one of the songs we introduced to the congregation three weeks ago.
"Fix Your Eyes." Oh, how I needed...NEED...that.
Here are the lyrics...I hope you will hop over to your favorite mp3 (or whatever) online store and purchase this song, sung beautifully by Twila Paris. It is an OLD one...and every bit as timely now as ever:
When I look into Your eyes
I see the love that died for me
When I look into Your eyes
I see the hope that I will be a faithful child
Following close behind
Following ever blinded
To the things that should not move me
Saying to my soul
fix your eyes on Jesus
Saying to my soul
fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
When I look into Your eyes
I feel the grief when I have sinned
When I look into Your eyes
I find delight
When I have been a faithful child
Saying to my soul
fix your eyes on Jesus
Saying to my soul
fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes upon the prize
The highest calling you will find
Following close behind
Following ever blinded
To the things that should not move me
Saying to my soul
fix your eyes on Jesus
Saying to my soul
fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
------
I confess to you as I do to the Lord. I have not been walking my talk. It seems that I use everything under the sun to justify focusing on ME, MY weight, MY food, MY struggles... So, as I have been challenging anyone who reads this blog to focus on the Lord instead of your body, your clothes, your _______, I, too, have needed to fix my eyes...change my focus...OFF of me, on to the Lord.
I am going to go through that list I have been generating of characteristics of God and how he relates to me...and I am going to...RIGHT NOW...take some time to praise him and thank him for his character. Not just 5 of the things on my list...I think I need a massive praise party. So that is where I am heading now...out to my deck to worship the King of Kings.
What a great way to start the day...I hope you will join me.
What does this have to do with food, eating, and losing weight? Everything. I know it does from my experience. Try it with me and we will see...but not for the sake of weight and food related issues...I go out there to worship him because he is worthy. He alone is worthy of this much of my focus...(and more). He alone is worthy of all my thoughts and "obsession."
Yesterday, as I enjoyed sitting with my family and worshipping before the Lord while holding them tight (we are dorks, what can I say?), the worship pastor revisited one of the songs we introduced to the congregation three weeks ago.
"Fix Your Eyes." Oh, how I needed...NEED...that.
Here are the lyrics...I hope you will hop over to your favorite mp3 (or whatever) online store and purchase this song, sung beautifully by Twila Paris. It is an OLD one...and every bit as timely now as ever:
When I look into Your eyes
I see the love that died for me
When I look into Your eyes
I see the hope that I will be a faithful child
Following close behind
Following ever blinded
To the things that should not move me
Saying to my soul
fix your eyes on Jesus
Saying to my soul
fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
When I look into Your eyes
I feel the grief when I have sinned
When I look into Your eyes
I find delight
When I have been a faithful child
Saying to my soul
fix your eyes on Jesus
Saying to my soul
fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes upon the prize
The highest calling you will find
Following close behind
Following ever blinded
To the things that should not move me
Saying to my soul
fix your eyes on Jesus
Saying to my soul
fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus
------
I confess to you as I do to the Lord. I have not been walking my talk. It seems that I use everything under the sun to justify focusing on ME, MY weight, MY food, MY struggles... So, as I have been challenging anyone who reads this blog to focus on the Lord instead of your body, your clothes, your _______, I, too, have needed to fix my eyes...change my focus...OFF of me, on to the Lord.
I am going to go through that list I have been generating of characteristics of God and how he relates to me...and I am going to...RIGHT NOW...take some time to praise him and thank him for his character. Not just 5 of the things on my list...I think I need a massive praise party. So that is where I am heading now...out to my deck to worship the King of Kings.
What a great way to start the day...I hope you will join me.
What does this have to do with food, eating, and losing weight? Everything. I know it does from my experience. Try it with me and we will see...but not for the sake of weight and food related issues...I go out there to worship him because he is worthy. He alone is worthy of this much of my focus...(and more). He alone is worthy of all my thoughts and "obsession."
Friday, July 3, 2009
Chapter 11 - My Body, God's Temple
I needed this chapter this morning. I have reverted back to the mentality that I can do what I want. While I haven't been living with total abandon to SELF and my fleshly lusts and desires, I have definitely shifted...oh-so-subtly...away from this sense that my body is NOT my own! My body belongs to the Lord God. He has purchased it. He has claimed me for his use and his purposes.
How then am I to live?
I want to offer him the most healthy "residence" possible. That means no dependencies on caffeine or other things that I don't need medically. It means being aware of what I put in my body as affecting how I feel and how I operate as a result. For me, I also know that I want to quit fussing about it and start doing it...something to get and keep my body physically fit. I don't want to return to obsessions of my past, but this aversion I have to a routine form of activity is every bit out of God's will as my former obsession. I am fearful that I will be obsessive. God doesn't want me to live in fear. His perfect love casts out fear.
So, for me...for the remainder of this journey, I want to become more aware of this FACT that I have strayed from...that my body is not my own. It belongs to God.
Below is a video clip of a friend of mine sharing her thoughts on this. It is part of the Thin Within video series and I have permission to share it. This clip is just over 2 minutes long and I think her thoughts can shed some light on a new perspective. I hope you enjoy it.
Please continue to keep your list of God's attributes and how he responds to you, His child. Take time daily to praise him for his character! I know that if I would be more diligent about this myself, there would be joy and my own "wants" would fade in significance. I need to walk my talk!
How then am I to live?
I want to offer him the most healthy "residence" possible. That means no dependencies on caffeine or other things that I don't need medically. It means being aware of what I put in my body as affecting how I feel and how I operate as a result. For me, I also know that I want to quit fussing about it and start doing it...something to get and keep my body physically fit. I don't want to return to obsessions of my past, but this aversion I have to a routine form of activity is every bit out of God's will as my former obsession. I am fearful that I will be obsessive. God doesn't want me to live in fear. His perfect love casts out fear.
So, for me...for the remainder of this journey, I want to become more aware of this FACT that I have strayed from...that my body is not my own. It belongs to God.
Below is a video clip of a friend of mine sharing her thoughts on this. It is part of the Thin Within video series and I have permission to share it. This clip is just over 2 minutes long and I think her thoughts can shed some light on a new perspective. I hope you enjoy it.
Please continue to keep your list of God's attributes and how he responds to you, His child. Take time daily to praise him for his character! I know that if I would be more diligent about this myself, there would be joy and my own "wants" would fade in significance. I need to walk my talk!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Another Thought Or Two About the Marble Jar
It occurred to me...I didn't make a couple of comments that I meant to in the video about the marble jar...
I commented on the fact that, in a classroom, the children react to the sound of the marble dropping into the marble jar as if it is it's own reward. They get all excited and sit up straight and focus all the more. They thrill that this moment was captured! We, too, can do the same!
For instance, as I say NO to my flesh, capture my thoughts and actions for the Lord in this moment when I am tempted to have an Oreo milkshake when I am not hungry...that moment of temptation when I chose to say NO to me and "Not MY will, but THINE be done" to God...well, that is followed by a WHOLE bunch of moments where I get to do a happy dance! "YAY! I did it! WE did it! I gave this moment to the LORD! I said NO to my flesh! WHOO HOO!" So, in a sense, not only is the capturing of the moment a reward like the sound of the marble in the jar to the kids, but it is followed by a bunch of moments rejoicing.
Picture that compared to one moment of indiscretion...what is my tendency following a moment of having given in to my flesh? I follow that moment with a bunch of other moments where I beat myself up...YUCK! THIS moment matters as it can influence what comes next as well as the moment I am in!
Another thought about moments...sometimes, when I am faced with a choice, I may be tempted to say, "This bite doesn't matter. I can eat this. No, I am nut hungry any more (like at the end of a meal). But it won't matter to have a couple more bites."
It may not matter relative to weight loss...that much is true. But it DOES matter relative to the condition of my heart. This moment I choose to capture my heart and my thoughts and my actions to the Lord or for my flesh. And THAT is the divine investment I am making.
So we don't want to minimize the significance of the moment in that regard either.
I hope this makes sense!
In NO way am I claiming that we EARN God's favor. The marble jar isn't about "winning enough marbles" to get in to heaven. NO. If that is what it appears that I am teaching here, please listen to the video again. I assume that you are in Christ. Jesus is the only way to experience God's gift of salvation. He has paid the way for each of us. Now that we are IN Him, we want to live our lives FOR Him. This is about that progressive thing in life called "sanctification!" We want to build godly lives for him, given that he has done so much for us. We need His grace to do this in EACH moment, so if you struggle with capturing the moment for the Lord, please tell him so! He provides grace in the moment for the moment!
I commented on the fact that, in a classroom, the children react to the sound of the marble dropping into the marble jar as if it is it's own reward. They get all excited and sit up straight and focus all the more. They thrill that this moment was captured! We, too, can do the same!
For instance, as I say NO to my flesh, capture my thoughts and actions for the Lord in this moment when I am tempted to have an Oreo milkshake when I am not hungry...that moment of temptation when I chose to say NO to me and "Not MY will, but THINE be done" to God...well, that is followed by a WHOLE bunch of moments where I get to do a happy dance! "YAY! I did it! WE did it! I gave this moment to the LORD! I said NO to my flesh! WHOO HOO!" So, in a sense, not only is the capturing of the moment a reward like the sound of the marble in the jar to the kids, but it is followed by a bunch of moments rejoicing.
Picture that compared to one moment of indiscretion...what is my tendency following a moment of having given in to my flesh? I follow that moment with a bunch of other moments where I beat myself up...YUCK! THIS moment matters as it can influence what comes next as well as the moment I am in!
Another thought about moments...sometimes, when I am faced with a choice, I may be tempted to say, "This bite doesn't matter. I can eat this. No, I am nut hungry any more (like at the end of a meal). But it won't matter to have a couple more bites."
It may not matter relative to weight loss...that much is true. But it DOES matter relative to the condition of my heart. This moment I choose to capture my heart and my thoughts and my actions to the Lord or for my flesh. And THAT is the divine investment I am making.
So we don't want to minimize the significance of the moment in that regard either.
I hope this makes sense!
In NO way am I claiming that we EARN God's favor. The marble jar isn't about "winning enough marbles" to get in to heaven. NO. If that is what it appears that I am teaching here, please listen to the video again. I assume that you are in Christ. Jesus is the only way to experience God's gift of salvation. He has paid the way for each of us. Now that we are IN Him, we want to live our lives FOR Him. This is about that progressive thing in life called "sanctification!" We want to build godly lives for him, given that he has done so much for us. We need His grace to do this in EACH moment, so if you struggle with capturing the moment for the Lord, please tell him so! He provides grace in the moment for the moment!
Chapter 10 - Part 2 - THIS Moment Matters!
Minimizing the moments that we have made good choices and maximizing the moments where we have made poor ones...can you relate? If you are anything like me, you can be chugging along all day, praising God, walking closely with him...then a weak moment hits and POOF! You make a poor choice and conclude, "I blew this day! I may as well forget this stupid stuff..." Or something like that. Maybe that is only me. :-)
So, in this video, I share something that God has used to help me to see the value of the moment. I hope it encourages you. I am sorry it is so long (about 5 minutes, I think). I will try to make sure the next one is not longer than two minutes.
Praying for you all today! Please pray for me! Being this tired, I find my defenses are down.
So, in this video, I share something that God has used to help me to see the value of the moment. I hope it encourages you. I am sorry it is so long (about 5 minutes, I think). I will try to make sure the next one is not longer than two minutes.
Praying for you all today! Please pray for me! Being this tired, I find my defenses are down.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Chapter 10 Part 1 - Will I Let Failure Define Me?
If I were to consider "failure" in my life, I think I would be tempted to think most quickly about my horse "misadventures." Having dreamed of having horses all my life, at the ripe-old-age of 40, my family and I moved to the country and bought FOUR at once. The dream was that we would hit the trails together! Simple dream--or so we thought. We had been given the resources to acquire them (we have since found out that the cheapest thing about horses is the initial purchase...the rest is...well, that is fodder for another post...), so it certainly seemed like a simple thing. Four people, four horses and we would have years as a family in the Great Wide Open enjoying one another, nature and our trusty steeds.
We happened to get four horses with "special needs." We did everything wrong that could be done wrong in buying our four. One was a young, green 4 year old with 35 year old joints. One was a rip-snorting-fire breathing behemoth when out on the trail. One was formerly abused with rearing and bolting being his first line of defense if he thought he would be eaten...which was all the time. And one was Breezy. Well, Breezy was the first we acquired and had they all been like him, we would have been fine. Nevertheless, even Breezy was possibly older than featured.
So never, never, never have we had more than two of them on the trail at once.
It would be very easy to allow this failure to define me. We get jokes all the time about "Don't you ride them?" Well...yes...but I am the only one who can ride all of them...and I don't go for "Roman Riding" so they aren't all ridden at once. Breezy can be ridden by any member in our family so...well...I can go out with one other member of my family at a time. (Below is a photo of what I mean by "Roman Riding.")
After all this time, you would think we would have progressed some. Others say "Why don't you get rid of them and get horses that work for your family?"
The thing is, I believe God has been redeeming this situation. I see it so clearly with the horse thing. I wonder why I don't see it with other things?
God has used my horses to teach me about shaking loose from my past and not allowing it to define me. He has shown me about rewarding the try when my son was a pre-adolescent with hormones beginning to rage. He has shown me lessons about loyalty and even taught me things through the fungus in my horses' feet! God has taught me about how mechanical I can be in my relationship with him when he wants my *heart* just like I want the heart of my horses--not just their feet to go a certain direction.
I can go out to their pasture (they live here) and sit with them, smell them, talk with them, brush them...all kinds of joy is there...joy that I dreamed of all my life. And, of course, riding them is amazing. I have seen places that I wouldn't have been likely to see. And while my dream of having our family do these things together hasn't yet been realized, I still don't feel prone to call myself a "failure" because of this (although, I do have days when I am closer to it than others). God has obviously taken all these things and used them for a greater good to form and shape my character and I think the character of my family members, too. Yes, I still hope that one day my kids, hubby and I will experience fun together astride our own four horses (though it isn't likely it will be THESE four horses), but I am not sure I would trade what we have experienced in our "failure" for a superficial "success" riding on the trails together each weekend.
Something deeper has been at work. Something eternal.
2 Corinthians 4: 17-18, which I have probably quoted recently says:
We happened to get four horses with "special needs." We did everything wrong that could be done wrong in buying our four. One was a young, green 4 year old with 35 year old joints. One was a rip-snorting-fire breathing behemoth when out on the trail. One was formerly abused with rearing and bolting being his first line of defense if he thought he would be eaten...which was all the time. And one was Breezy. Well, Breezy was the first we acquired and had they all been like him, we would have been fine. Nevertheless, even Breezy was possibly older than featured.So never, never, never have we had more than two of them on the trail at once.
It would be very easy to allow this failure to define me. We get jokes all the time about "Don't you ride them?" Well...yes...but I am the only one who can ride all of them...and I don't go for "Roman Riding" so they aren't all ridden at once. Breezy can be ridden by any member in our family so...well...I can go out with one other member of my family at a time. (Below is a photo of what I mean by "Roman Riding.")
After all this time, you would think we would have progressed some. Others say "Why don't you get rid of them and get horses that work for your family?"
The thing is, I believe God has been redeeming this situation. I see it so clearly with the horse thing. I wonder why I don't see it with other things?
God has used my horses to teach me about shaking loose from my past and not allowing it to define me. He has shown me about rewarding the try when my son was a pre-adolescent with hormones beginning to rage. He has shown me lessons about loyalty and even taught me things through the fungus in my horses' feet! God has taught me about how mechanical I can be in my relationship with him when he wants my *heart* just like I want the heart of my horses--not just their feet to go a certain direction.
I can go out to their pasture (they live here) and sit with them, smell them, talk with them, brush them...all kinds of joy is there...joy that I dreamed of all my life. And, of course, riding them is amazing. I have seen places that I wouldn't have been likely to see. And while my dream of having our family do these things together hasn't yet been realized, I still don't feel prone to call myself a "failure" because of this (although, I do have days when I am closer to it than others). God has obviously taken all these things and used them for a greater good to form and shape my character and I think the character of my family members, too. Yes, I still hope that one day my kids, hubby and I will experience fun together astride our own four horses (though it isn't likely it will be THESE four horses), but I am not sure I would trade what we have experienced in our "failure" for a superficial "success" riding on the trails together each weekend.Something deeper has been at work. Something eternal.
2 Corinthians 4: 17-18, which I have probably quoted recently says:
For our light and momentary troubles
are achieving for us an eternal glory
that far outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary,
but what is unseen is eternal.
In our "failures," God is at work doing that which we may not even really even begin to fathom. He has shown me this with my horses. (And in other ways, too...)
So does it make sense to take on the identity of "Failure" when I struggle along with things? When I start my day with great intentions, commit to 0 to 5 eating, and by the end of the day discover I have "botched" it up...even so, I am not a failure! I am a saint, called by God, who sometimes fails. There is a HUGE difference as chapter 10 in Thin Within so clearly says.
If we see our "failures" through God's lens, we are much less likely to excuse our behavior or beat ourselves up over them. Through His eyes, perceived failures become opportunities. He sees our need and, in His grace, responds by coming alongside us to meet that need. Thin Within, page 95
Today, if you catch yourself in the midst of a "failure," rather than allow it to define you, ask God how HE sees you. He has declared you perfectly acceptable in Christ. If you belong to Him, he has attributed all of Christ's righteousness to you. He sees you as holy and beloved. Eating too much ice cream or hopping on the scale obsessively doesn't change that at all.
Our performance is never the basis of His love for us. Thin Within, page 99
Do you believe that he accepts you 100% just as you are right now? Surely, if what Romans 5:8 says--that even while we were yet sinners--God chose to demonstrate his love for us by having Jesus die for us, we can KNOW that right now, even mid-way through the bag of Oreo cookies, he loves us as well. We can capture THIS moment for the Lord. Stop what we are doing. And rest in his embrace right now. EVEN now. He stands with his arms open wide, not condemning us in our current behavior, but calling us to reach out to him to fill our hearts full with his presence. He doesn't define us by our performance. Christ's performance on the cross is how God defines us now. Attributing even Christ's righteousness to us. Let's BELIEVE GOD!
are achieving for us an eternal glory
that far outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary,
but what is unseen is eternal.
In our "failures," God is at work doing that which we may not even really even begin to fathom. He has shown me this with my horses. (And in other ways, too...)
So does it make sense to take on the identity of "Failure" when I struggle along with things? When I start my day with great intentions, commit to 0 to 5 eating, and by the end of the day discover I have "botched" it up...even so, I am not a failure! I am a saint, called by God, who sometimes fails. There is a HUGE difference as chapter 10 in Thin Within so clearly says.
If we see our "failures" through God's lens, we are much less likely to excuse our behavior or beat ourselves up over them. Through His eyes, perceived failures become opportunities. He sees our need and, in His grace, responds by coming alongside us to meet that need. Thin Within, page 95
Today, if you catch yourself in the midst of a "failure," rather than allow it to define you, ask God how HE sees you. He has declared you perfectly acceptable in Christ. If you belong to Him, he has attributed all of Christ's righteousness to you. He sees you as holy and beloved. Eating too much ice cream or hopping on the scale obsessively doesn't change that at all.
Our performance is never the basis of His love for us. Thin Within, page 99
Do you believe that he accepts you 100% just as you are right now? Surely, if what Romans 5:8 says--that even while we were yet sinners--God chose to demonstrate his love for us by having Jesus die for us, we can KNOW that right now, even mid-way through the bag of Oreo cookies, he loves us as well. We can capture THIS moment for the Lord. Stop what we are doing. And rest in his embrace right now. EVEN now. He stands with his arms open wide, not condemning us in our current behavior, but calling us to reach out to him to fill our hearts full with his presence. He doesn't define us by our performance. Christ's performance on the cross is how God defines us now. Attributing even Christ's righteousness to us. Let's BELIEVE GOD!